A Likely Story
I don't expect the people who write up daily episode summaries for the various cable guides to be well-versed in soap histories or personality traits, but a passing familiarity with the genre would be helpful, if only to save us from episode recaps like today's, which teased "Sam is on the verge of discovering the truth". Delightfully naive at best and wholly unrealistic at worst. Doesn't everybody know that soap storylines are wrapped up no less than six months after they began?! Unless they've just created a macro and plan to use this summary for every episode of General Hospital for the next year or so, in which case I redact the withering tone of the above and replace it with kudos for efficient planning...
Sam continues, and will continue, to have near-misses with discovering the truth about the myriad horrendous things that have happened to her in recent weeks, this time coming seriously close to finding the paternity results Heather had hanging out of her purse in the most tantalizing manner. And to add misery to misery, she then had to counsel Maxie on her love life and make excuses for Spinelli, which is just an awful thing to do to a woman who has experienced unbearable tragedy in recent weeks. I mean, she DID get to live out my dream and make out with John McBain, but I would hardly call this week a win on her end, overall because...Spinelli. Ugh. I know she doesn't have the complete aversion to him that I do and she even cares about him, but still! It just seems like a surefire way to make her even more miserable.
Speaking of near-misses, Patrick's drug theft was "almost" "discovered" by Epiphany today. Like, the show tried to get some dramatic tension out of him getting caught stealing. AGAIN, this is the mere beginning of a story (...does it actually count as a story if it happens onscreen no more than three times a month?), the truth won't be discovered by characters who actually matter (no offense intended, Ramon) for another couple of seasons, so you can save it with your dramatic end-of-scene "Epiphany declares that she knows what happened to the drugs like Patrick looks overwhelmingly guilty and attempts to contort his face into one of mere curiosity, failing miserably".
I do feel awful for Patrick, and happy that Jason Thompson is getting some more epic material with which to pad his Emmy reel next year, but this addiction story is leaving me cold. And you know me; I LOVE addiction storylines. Interventions are basically my favorite thing in the world to watch (except for the actual show Intervention, which just depresses me; I prefer my interventions scripted, preferably in a bottle episode) but this one was just half-assed. Lulu? Really? She does have an awful lot of experience with addiction and having an aggressive, emotionless person confront him was an interesting twist, since she doesn't seem to care enough about him to buy into any of his excuses, but they've barely interacted during their time on the show. I think I know my barista better than Lulu knows Patrick (at the very least, he knows my drink order and often is in the process of making it as I am walking through the door), and I'd feel uncomfortable confronting him about his grief-induced hypothetical drug addiction!
But anyway, Lulu dropped some truth on Patrick and he paid some lip service to quitting and Maxie basically danced around today, giddy that they had cured Patrick and gotten him to seek treatment. Because addicts totally always follow through on promises that they've made, right? If Maxie had watched a few more very special episodes of 90s television dramas, she'd know a little more about drug use! And planning successful interventions, for that matter.
I have nothing to say about Molly and Alexis's ongoing battle because it has been giving me visceral flashbacks to my freshman year of high school and the fights I had with my parents about dating that consisted mainly of me screeching loudly and storming off to my room to blast music; I was in the midst of a serious Spice Girls phase during that era of my life, so it's safe to say that I missed the point of angry blaring by quite a large margin. I'd rather repress the entire thing, so I am just going to briefly say that I totally sympathize with Molly and move along from there.
Todd: See, this is why -- this is why you never, never trust a stranger that you meet in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night if she's pushing around a dead body in a wheelbarrow.
I want the truth about Heather and Todd to come out because I think Sam deserves a happy ending, but I also want their uneasy partnership to go on FOREVER because they are seriously entertaining together.