Serial Drama

Please Let This Be a Cliffhanger

I am really hoping that this was less a statement of fact and more a lead-in to some sort of spectacular putdown on tomorrow's episode:

Atlantic City police officer: What about him?
John McBain: He's clean.
Atlantic City police officer: You sure?
John McBain: Yeah, I'm sure.

I hope Friday's show opens with a gravelly voiced tantrum, like, "Yeah, I'm sure that the sweaty, coke-eyed ball of RAGE is a-ok. Look at him standing there, shaking and muttering. I bet he's muttering about law-abiding things. Yeah. He's clean".

Otherwise, my imaginary boyfriend and I will be in a fight (notice that I did not say an "imaginary" fight, because arguments with fictional characters are very real; Jason Morgan knows what he did), because I can't stomach ANOTHER character just shrugging off the fits of violence and crime that make Sonny Sonny. I am hoping that this is a one-time freebie and that he at least gets in a few quality jabs at Mr. Corinthos tomorrow, because the number of characters I can tolerate in Port Charles is ever dwindling* and I'd hate to have to cross John off the list, especially because that would mean the list is populated only by Sam, Josslyn and Cameron.

*Like, I want so badly to write a really long, really profane rant about how utterly freaking AWFUL Kristina is in every single way, but every time I try, all I can type is hate, hate, hate, like father like daughter, hate, hate, HATE". AWFUL.

So Few Words, So Much Laughter

Maybe I'm devolving, or maybe I'm so in the throes of a John McBain obsession that I unreservedly love everything he does and Michael Easton's family and friends should be possibly be concerned, or maybe I was so desperate for something--anything!--in yesterday's episode to provide me with even the barest minimum of entertainment (as Louise pointed out, the entire show was an exercise in "not quite right" mingled with a level of interest that can only be described as negative, if it could be described at all in between your snoring. I mean, really, spending precious seconds on Kristina and Trey that could have been better spent on, I don't know, Fat-Headed Joss or even one of Fat-Headed Joss's stuffed animals is like kicking us all when we're down. The only people who could be remotely interested in these two and Mafia Princess are the actors playing Kristina and Trey and that's less "interest" and more "I'M ON TV!"). Or maybe it's a combination of the three. But at any rate, I can't delete yesterday's GH from my DVR, because I keep rewatching this exchange between John and Jason.

John: Morgan here works for Corinthos, who's got some not so fond memories of you. And by the looks of it, he's going to get some payback. [To Jason] Thanks for the save.
Jason: Yeah, you're welcome.

I cannot stop giggling*. I think it's the fact that this exchange featured exactly one tone of voice (gravelly) and absolutely no eye contact. They, in fact, contorted their necks in a variety of ways to avoid having to look in the other's general direction. It was amazing**.

*I think it's option (A), devolving.
**Yup, clearly devolving. Because I WAS amazed. And laughed heartily.

The World According to Heather Webber

I think Heather could make a few observations in her column to help everyone understand a few things, details that even that ball of crazy would know are.... off.

- Heather might have a few things to say about Kate's "conditional" charge dismissal. Heather knows from crazycakes, but when she gets caught committing crimes, they actually get her off the streets. Sure it's Ferncliffe and not prison, but boy must it irk her to see Kate's only condition for complete freedom is "outpatient" psychiatric care. Who the hell treats allegedly sociopathic multiple personalities in once-a-week outpatient therapy sessions?? (And she can ask Michael; the local authorities don't really make you show up for your appointments after the first two or three.)

- There are about four million non-John McBain reasons for Jason Morgan (publicly acknowledged hitman) to be on a watch list. Suck it, Jason.

- The new opening looks like someone made it in 1978 as their idea of what 2012 would look like. Holy hell is that cheesy!

- It's already polarized enough in the United States in this general election year. Must we add fuel to the fire by pitting Sam/Jason fans against Liz/Jason fans again? Is that really going to advance humanity?

- Oh look, Trey is Joe Scully, Jr.'s son. In other shocking news, Kristina smirks a lot and Michael thinks Starr is just the most wonderful thing ever. Stop the presses, y'all. (Admittedly, I'm excited to find out what nonsense led Joe to find out about his rape baby son who was left in a drawer in Connecticut and manage to get himself custody.)

- As evidenced by today's scenes, various members of the Falconeri family should actually be involved in one another's storylines. It makes them a lot more likable. (Okay, Heather probably wouldn't agree with me on that one.)

- However, as Falconeris go, Olivia needs to wise up. You know the thing about crazy evil people, Liv? They don't respond well to intimidation. Openly telling them you're onto them is not really the way to stop the insanity. When folks know they're being investigated, it's a heck of a lot harder to investigate them.