The World According to Heather Webber
I think Heather could make a few observations in her column to help everyone understand a few things, details that even that ball of crazy would know are.... off.
- Heather might have a few things to say about Kate's "conditional" charge dismissal. Heather knows from crazycakes, but when she gets caught committing crimes, they actually get her off the streets. Sure it's Ferncliffe and not prison, but boy must it irk her to see Kate's only condition for complete freedom is "outpatient" psychiatric care. Who the hell treats allegedly sociopathic multiple personalities in once-a-week outpatient therapy sessions?? (And she can ask Michael; the local authorities don't really make you show up for your appointments after the first two or three.)
- There are about four million non-John McBain reasons for Jason Morgan (publicly acknowledged hitman) to be on a watch list. Suck it, Jason.
- The new opening looks like someone made it in 1978 as their idea of what 2012 would look like. Holy hell is that cheesy!
- It's already polarized enough in the United States in this general election year. Must we add fuel to the fire by pitting Sam/Jason fans against Liz/Jason fans again? Is that really going to advance humanity?
- Oh look, Trey is Joe Scully, Jr.'s son. In other shocking news, Kristina smirks a lot and Michael thinks Starr is just the most wonderful thing ever. Stop the presses, y'all. (Admittedly, I'm excited to find out what nonsense led Joe to find out about his rape baby son who was left in a drawer in Connecticut and manage to get himself custody.)
- As evidenced by today's scenes, various members of the Falconeri family should actually be involved in one another's storylines. It makes them a lot more likable. (Okay, Heather probably wouldn't agree with me on that one.)
- However, as Falconeris go, Olivia needs to wise up. You know the thing about crazy evil people, Liv? They don't respond well to intimidation. Openly telling them you're onto them is not really the way to stop the insanity. When folks know they're being investigated, it's a heck of a lot harder to investigate them.
- In a lifestyle column, perhaps Heather could explain to Starr and Michael that responding to a messy roommate by vandalizing and throwing away most of his possessions is in fact not quid pro quo to anyone who graduated nursery school. And believe me, I know a thing or two about messy roommates. You don't then have the right to destroy their property. And what's even more offensive? I felt angry on Trey's behalf. Trey! Unacceptable, Afternoon Television Program!
- Starr and Michael are really not a half-bad match (well, for two characters I admittedly do not particularly enjoy), but come on now. Too soon! And sure, it's not as if Starr doesn't have a history of overlapping relationships, but can you imagine the reaction if Patrick got into a new relationship right now? Same elapsed time! People would take torches to Carlivati's house (which for his sake, I hope is not easy to find... pitting Sam and Liz against each other again is going to lead to more crazies following him around here than Katie Holmes).
- Sweet mercy Jason is a terrible hitman! You don't just admit to a police officer that you're about to abduct and off some dude! Oh wait, this is GH. You totally do, and no one bats an eye or presses a charge.
- Did I mention Heather should include a special weekly news feature called, "Suck It, Jason"? Because she should.