Four (Or So) Minutes of PURE SOAP
I dare you to name a television moment today better and more exhilarating than the last few minutes of today's General Hospital. Actually, I don't dare you to do that because I am sure we could come up with a list of any number of things that were better than the ending of today's show and there is nothing more embarrassing than a dare that's met easily, so let me rephrase: when was the last time the ending of an episode of General Hospital had you speechless and flailing and anxious for the next day to arrive? Louise knows what I'm saying.
The residents of Port Charles grappled with the realization that Jerry Jacks is, for one, ALIVE and also DEADLY AND NEFARIOUS, STILL, THIS TIME WITH LITERAL TOXICITY.
Carly dealt with her feelings of terror and anguish by, apparently, retreating into a fantasy realm in which she gives some sort of a damn about Jax and--get this--looks to him as a hero.
Carly: Oh, baby girl. You know everything's going to be okay. Everything. Because your Daddy's going to fix everything. He's going to take care of us just like he always does.
It takes the threat of a biochemical death to get Jax a little bit of love around here (and a little bit of lovingly shot airtime, but that comes in a bit).
Tracy seems to already be suffering from the effects of the poison judging by her erratic and deluded manner of thinking.
Tracy: I finally met a man who's intelligent and attractive, and not my ex-husband, and we're going to die.
You already know this and have already undoubtedly try to repress it, but just to remind you: she is referring here to Joe Scully, Jr. I mean, ew, right? Like, so ew.
Ewen, who has become wholly incapable of keeping his super secret hidden identity of evil a, well, secret, got flustered and handsy and grabbed a clearly terrified Elizabeth who screamed--and was saved (or will be saved, I should say) but a protective and angry Patrick!
Sam dealt with the fallout of this bombshell calmly and rationally because she has religion on her side; and by "religion" I mean, "blind devotion to Jason's unwavering heroism". I wondered for a moment if an old script had resurfaced, but that's silly; the General Hospital of 2007 would have NEVER included someone else's name alongside Jason and here, John is given equal weight.
Sam: You saw John tear out of here, he must have a lead. And Jason's working on it too, Mom.
Alexis: And that reassures you?
Sam: They'll figure out what to do. They have to.
Somewhere, Bob Guza threw a glass at his television and screamed "JOHN WISHES!" (I should probably take that out, because I don't want to get sued for insinuating something as outright awful as Bob Guza having so little to do with his days that he watches this show).
Sam was right to have faith in her men, though--although it's probably not faith so much as it is "having seen this show before" because John and Jason tracked Jerry down and John watched snarkily as Jason beat the crap out of him. And, bloodied and battered, Jerry STILL had an attitude, until...
Jerry: Do you honestly think you can get me to talk?
Jax: No, but I can.
Ingo Rademacher, you sexy bitch. I LOVED this. I loved Jax's kickass entrance and the way John and Jason were mystified by him. I loved thinking, for a second, that maybe--just maybe!--Jax will be allowed to be, you know...useful.
...am I forgetting something? Oh, right, the minor point that DUKE FUCKING LAVERY IS ALIVE AND HAS HIS ORIGINAL FACE AND IS THE ONE WHO IS HOLDING ROBIN AND OHMIGOD MY HEAD EXPLODED.
Twitter has been all, well, atwitter over Frank Valentini's comments that today's GH would feature a huge surprise and I rolled my eyes like a cynic. Like, right. This show is always proclaiming that something is a game-changer and nothing ever changes. I thought this big reveal would be neither large or revelatory but oh my WOW, was I wrong.
Doctor: If you hadn't moved Scorpio-Drake when you did, her mother surely would have discovered her. I'm sorry. It must have been difficult for you seeing Miss Devane struggle like that. I know how much you care for her. I hope soon you get what you so desperately want.
I'm sorry, what?! WHAT?! !!!! OHMIGOD! I was convinced that this would be either Helena or Faison, and I was convinced when the shadowy figure of a man appeared that it was Faison and my eye was in mid-roll when DUKE! I CAN'T! I don't know why he is doing this or why he has this face or WHAT, but OH MY GOD, WELL FUCKING PLAYED, GH.