Serial Drama

Oh My Jason, I'm Totally Bugging

If you had told me a few years ago that Steve Burton would be leaving General Hospital and that we'd soon be seeing a Jason-free Port Charles, I'd...I'd probably be chagrined that my 2012 was still watching General Hospital. But after THAT, I'd say "No! You lie!" because the thought of Port Charles without its religious idol/mafia hitman is so bizarre that the very thought of it would have to be a joke.

Except that it is not: Steve Burton is leaving General Hospital and taking the amoral, non-blinking hired killer with him.

And I have nothing to say about it. Actually, I have plenty to say about it. I have been stockpiling things to say about this very event for EONS because such an event would have a prominent spot on my dream board, if I had a dream board, and now that it finally happened, it's like so many things are running through my head at once that I can only stammer and then throw my hands up (literally--I'm nothing if not dramatic and prone to wild gesticulations) but you can't see me do that, you can only see me abruptly end this post with a series of exclamation points. Me of a few years ago would be so disappointed at my complete and utter speechlessness!

!!!

 

Four (Or So) Minutes of PURE SOAP

I dare you to name a television moment today better and more exhilarating than the last few minutes of today's General Hospital. Actually, I don't dare you to do that because I am sure we could come up with a list of any number of things that were better than the ending of today's show and there is nothing more embarrassing than a dare that's met easily, so let me rephrase: when was the last time the ending of an episode of General Hospital had you speechless and flailing and anxious for the next day to arrive? Louise knows what I'm saying.

The residents of Port Charles grappled with the realization that Jerry Jacks is, for one, ALIVE and also DEADLY AND NEFARIOUS, STILL, THIS TIME WITH LITERAL TOXICITY.

Carly dealt with her feelings of terror and anguish by, apparently, retreating into a fantasy realm in which she gives some sort of a damn about Jax and--get this--looks to him as a hero.

Carly: Oh, baby girl. You know everything's going to be okay. Everything. Because your Daddy's going to fix everything. He's going to take care of us just like he always does.

It takes the threat of a biochemical death to get Jax a little bit of love around here (and a little bit of lovingly shot airtime, but that comes in a bit).

Tracy seems to already be suffering from the effects of the poison judging by her erratic and deluded manner of thinking.

Tracy: I finally met a man who's intelligent and attractive, and not my ex-husband, and we're going to die.

You already know this and have already undoubtedly try to repress it, but just to remind you: she is referring here to Joe Scully, Jr. I mean, ew, right? Like, so ew.

How Happy Is This Girl??

SO FREAKING UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY! That's how happy!

I am the busiest person in the world at the moment and can't write the fourteen-paragraph festival of glee that I'd like to write right now, but I couldn't not stop by and mention this. Because today, General Hospital gave me a gift I've been waiting for for decades. Plural. It's big. 

Swiss Doctor Lady: I'm sorry. It must have been difficult for you, seeing Miss Devane struggle like that. I know how much you care for her.

 

Which is already great because you know at that moment every unspoiled viewer dug into their memory banks and thought of several possibilities. But even though I have wished for this, I did not see it coming.

(I'm putting the next screencap after the jump, just in case anyone who's just browsing hasn't seen the episode yet.)

 

Sucks So Good (And So Belatedly): Thoughts on True Blood's 5th Season

You think I'd have prepared better for this; after all, it happens every year after one of HBO's awesome yet depressingly abbreviated seasons and I've been thinking about it since June 11th (I am a sick person. I realize this). But here I am, the way that I am every year when True Blood draws to what I am sure will be a blood-drenched, dizzying-ly awesome finale: depressed at spending Sunday nights during a long autumn and winter and fall somewhere besides Bon Temps. WHY are the seasons only twelve episodes long?! HBO is the cruelest of all the networks.

As you have surely noticed, True Blood coverage stopped around these parts this season and it certainly wasn't for a lack of discussion topics because--holy shit--this show continues to be insane and nearly every episode this season was a nonstop rollercoster of INSANE. No, life got completely crazy and my schedule was all thrown off. And no, none of the above is code for "I was legally prohibited by court order from discussing Alexander Skarsgard", I swear!

There is SO MUCH to say about this season and I am sure there will be SO MUCH to say about tonight's season finale--I think I may need to spend the next few hours coming up with just the right phrase to describe the kind of awesome-soaked WTF?! this finale will surely bring us--but I am going to start with a list of stray thoughts and observations from this season, few of which will make sense and none of which are presented in any sort of logical order. When I phrase it like that, how can you not click behind the cut? My advertising skills are seriously stellar.

Jax Schmax and Weezie's Wine

Y'all, my last wine-induced General Hospital post went so "well" that I've decided to do another recap in just that manner. (Why did I get so many nice comments? Is it because the deeper into the recap I got, the more wine I'd obviously consumed and was therefore loopier and just a kinder, gentler version of myself? Or maybe I was even snarkier and more cynical? Well, whichever it was, I'm takin' one for the team!) I don't have anything from Laura Wright's winery tonight, so I'm just going to pull something from my monthly wine club -- they send me two recommended reds each month, and it's always a surprise. And I've really only ever been fully disappointed when they go with a dessert red.

Tonight's wine in question is the Tabali Reserva Syrah from 2010. It's Chilean, which I generally dig, so I'm psyched. I'm going to let it breathe until the first commercial break, though.

So here we go!

Jason's at the always-empty mob front restaurant, which makes no sense as an effective front, but then again the mobsters in this town are quite open with anyone and everyone about being mobsters, so who needs a front! He leaves Spinelli a voicemail about Ewen, just as Elizabeth flashes back to her conversation with SuperWiseJason about Ewen. Elizabeth is lighting candles looking obscenely gorgeous, just as Jerry intercepts Ewen outside her front door.

Sonny tells Jason he got a visit from and old friend, just as said old friend (Joe Jr.) gets run into by Tracy and a big pot of food of some sort. Well, if anyone can make this dude interesting, it's Jane Elliot. If that doesn't work, I got nothin'.

Starr and Michael discover that Kristina and Trey "escaped" outside the window, because Sonny provides wonderful security for his children. They're like hawks!

Carly is chatting with Josslyn at the hospital room just as Jax shows up with a giant smile and the twinkliest damn eyes in the world.

"How're my best girls?" Oh em gee. Jax! I am giddy.

Credits. Ads. Wine time! Okay. Hmm. Mmm. Oooh! Okay, yeah. Super-super-dry (Weezie like!) and big. I like it already.

Josslyn lights up at Jax -- the most character she's shown since this new actress started in the role. This is sort of a strange exchange between Jax and Carly since it's allegedly the first time they've seen each other or even spoken since he disappeared. A bit muted. He gives Joss a music box. Crap. I love these three as a family. I'm feeling feelings.

The Hopeful & the Awesome

Yesterday's fantastic episode of The Bold & the Beautiful was incredibly satisfying. And no, I am not being sarcastic. If you're on the viewing wagon due to Steffy/Liam/Hope fatigue, you should check it out -- not because it was about something else (let's not get crazy here), but because it was great soap.

I can't quite tell what direction they're going in here, but Liam really seems to be in the throes of some sort of nervous breakdown. And, joy of joys, they actually deliberately made him look like the buffoon that he is:

You can only imagine how fun this was for someone who's spent the better part of the past year making voodoo dolls of this character. 

When Liam showed up a hot mess to his wedding after partying all night with his ex-wife, Hope quite correctly called it off immediately. This awesomely led to his literally begging her on hands and knees to take him back and forgive him. This was just unbridled joy from a viewer's perspective. True to form, though, he did of course occasionally throw in a jab as if Hope were overreacting. (I loved his, "It's not me -- it's her, right?" No, Liam, YOU'RE THE JACKASS HERE! Nice try, though!)

In typical soap fashion, this all of course took place inexplicably in front of all the wedding guests, mostly because Stephanie demanded it (hilariously). And Ridge, of all people, had to drag Liam over to a mirror to force him to take a look at himself. He still wasn't convinced. And then Hope got fabulous.

Hope: I am not a doormat! The night before our wedding, where are you? You're out with Steffy, and I am just supposed to accept that? Did you do it deliberately to hurt me?

Liam: No.

Hope: Then to remind me that, what, if I don't do what you want when you want, you've got somebody else who will? [Like she needs reminding at this point.  --Ed.]

Liam: No. No. Not -- nothing even happened. I mean, I was just -- I was just having a little fun is all. I didn't do anything wrong. [I could provide in screencap form all the many things he did wrong, but he apparently doesn't think sleeping next to your ex the night before your wedding is wrong, nor does he think repeatedly kissing her is wrong. So I guess my evidence might not help.  --Ed.]

 "I'm not leaving till you come down here!"

Please Explain This To Me Slowly, Using Small Words

I am about as easily distracted as they come, which means that it's possible (probable?) (definite?) that there was an explanation for the following which appeared onscreen in scenes that were logical, well-written and detailed and that I missed them because I was busy writing fanfiction in my head about Dante and Lulu's adventures in domesticity (all I want in life right now is for these two crazy kids to be happy and have hilarious stories about their adventures in parenting the hundreds of babies I am hoping they have. That will go down in history as one of the saddest sentences ever typed) or trying my hardest to come up with an adjective that best describes Carly and Johnny or maybe I just fell asleep because so much of this show is deadly dull, but: is there any part of Joe Jr.'s plan to marry off Trey and Kristina that makes any real sort of sense? Because I am desperately confused. Like, something about money and revenge and bad acting?

Please note that I am not confused or interested enough to go back and rewatch episodes that might give me some sort of clue; I'm just confused enough to sort of wonder about it if only so that I can be a fully educated hater.

The Hot & the Neverending

First, let's talk about RJ. Who, you ask? Yeah, I'd completely forgotten he exists, too. Despite about half the scenes on the show taking place at Brooke and Ridge's home, despite Brooke and Ridge being on at least three episodes each week, I had completely forgotten they actually have a young son. It's not so much that he doesn't turn up very often -- there's not a whole hell of a lot to do with little kids on a soap (there are some notable exceptions, of course, such as little Starr on OLTL and little Robin on GH for starters) unless they're being kidnapped or in the middle of a custody or Who's-the-Daddy storyline -- but even so, the last time I remember seeing him was well over a year ago right around the time Thomas and Brooke were in that plane crash. Regardless of frequency of appearance, they never even mention his name! So imagine my surprise when Daddy Ridge had a brief phone conversation with him yesterday. Apparently he's at camp and not off getting SORAS'ed into a college student with a chiseled face and six-pack abs, and he's certainly not coming home for his sister's wedding. Why would he? She'll have plenty more. It's kind of her thing.

Anyway, his parents had some sexytimes that were hot, y'all. They talked about surprises and Brooke told Ridge she had a special surprise for him right now.

To which he responded, "Yum." 

No, seriously.

Things That Make Me Weepy, Part I

1. Jason Thompson

2. Jason Thompson

3. Jason Thompson

4. Jason Thompson

5. Patrick

6. The evolution and recent expression of Patrick and Epiphany's friendship

The Subtle & the... Just Kidding, This Show Doesn't Do Subtle

I'm here to explain a few things that The Bold & the Beautiful has been awfully coy about -- things that they expect us to be really sharp viewers to understand because, you see, it's all so between-the-lines. I mean you have to be a pretty clever observer to see through to this subtext. So what I'm going to tell you might shock you.

Did y'all know that Hope is the more conservative, family-oriented, traditional-values-driven choice for Liam? Did y'all know that Steffy is super-fun, full of life, wild and unpredictable, and is always a good time?

You're pretty blown away right now, aren't you? Just reflecting back on the past year of this show and thinking, "Oh! How did I not see this? They were so careful to leave it up to our own interpretation without beating us over the head with it AT ALL!"

Yesterday they drove the point home in a particularly delicate manner.

When Liam's with Steffy, he wakes up after having partied all night!

When Liam's with Steffy, he gets to go on motorcycle rides through the city!