Serial Drama

Overheard In Port Charles

This is something that Dante, a police officer, said to his younger brother who spent time behind bars incarcerated for a crime he had absolutely no involvement with because he is pure and just and a citizen who abides all laws completely and respectfully. Oh, really? That's not how it happened? So explain to me why, exactly, anyone would say this:

Dante: Michael. Michael, you got to be careful, man. Trey is exactly the kind of weasel who will press charges against you. And with your record, you cannot afford that.

Please insert one of my thousand--that's probably understating things substantially, actually. It is probably more like million, because of this show's habit of repeating itself constantly and my own habit of obsessively criticizing the show for its own repetition--rants about the good people of Port Charles and their bizarre willingness to look at the crimes of Sonny and his nearest and dearest and write them off with, like, a commendation because people are just so damn hard on them! Someone might press charges against Michael for being violent when he should know better on just an ethical level and also an "I don't want to go back to jail" level? What a jerk that person would be! I'm so glad that Dante the police detective is willing to take a stand against such awfulness.

I'm going to go to my happy place, which is watching Kelly Sullivan and a can of whipped cream redefine the word "camp".

I wish the above section didn't read quite as pervily as it does...

 

Bachelor(ette) 2012

You know, the utter nonsense that Konnie's behavior is a signal to absolutely no one that this is not just an integrated Kate and my continuing consternation regarding the implication that Elizabeth, a grieving mother, decided to alter DNA results to keep another grieving mother from finding out her child is alive are two major, major things that made it hard to enjoy today's episode unencumbered. But you know what? Oops. I did!

Now, the guest list was a bit baffling. Lulu, sure. Olivia, sure. Felicia being the mother of the planner and the girlfriend of the bartender, sure. Kristina, as the daughter of the groom and Sam, as her sister? Okay. Starr, as a favor to Michael? Please. Elizabeth, as a.... way to show her looking guiltily at Sam? That's about all I got there, other than a tenuous connection to Olivia. Remember OriginalKate and her friendships with Alexis and Diane? HELLO? (Plus, don't we love those two in party mode?)

And it was equally contrived to have Spinelli at the bachelor party, since Sonny treats him like he's lower than spit. But no matter. It was fun anyway.

First of, damn, Lizzie!

First of, looking seriously hot. Second of all, that's some serious Lizzie bitchface she's throwing at Sam there! That made me a little nervous, but fortunately her later looks were about a million times more guilty.

I think this might just be the former teacher in me, but was anyone else super-stressed that Kristina and Starr, both under 21, were in the bar drinking?

Look, I'm not going to pretend that I didn't do plenty of boozin' before 21, but that's when I was under 21 and thought I was all manner of grown up. Now it makes me nervous! God I hate getting older, I've gotten so uptight! But isn't Mac going to get sued? Or Coleman? Or... aww, I bet Coleman will be sad he missed this party.

The Sad & the Sniffles

Just a few DayQuil-laden thoughts on yesterday's incredibly moving episode (written wonderfully by Adam Dusevoir) of The Bold & the Beautiful (hey, go figure, the show works when they focus on OTHER CHARACTERS).

- Katie had an out-of-body experience!

Hee!

Now of course since this is a soap, the whole "going into the light" thing looked at cheesy as humanly possible, but we soap viewers are used to accepting these things. It's sort of part of the trade-off for them offering us up a full episode of entertainment (well, depends on your definition) five days a week.

- But who cares if it looks cheesy when right there in the light to welcome her is... Storm!

- Donna had flashbacks to the "Storm accidentally shoots Katie" storyline!

D'oh! Sorry, Sis!

First Dates and Famous Last Words

Since I have a nasty cold (that half the city seems to be sharing with me) and am all manner of doped up on cold medicines, I'm going to recap General Hospital today as I watch. The idea that I could somehow watch, take notes, and put together some sort of cohesive post on a specific topic is... it's just out of my realm right now. And hey, who knows what kind of loony halluncinations I might come up with because of the meds? I'll be like Olivia and able to see the future! Right?

Jason and Sam, mid-lip lock. She asks what they're doing.

Anna is busy on her Blackberry while Todd lingers in the interrogation room at the PCPD, explaining to Anna that he has intimacy issues (damn straight he does!).

Oh wait! She's on his smartphone, and plays him back his ring tone for Heather (the excellent "Crazy calling!").

Carly frets over Johnny and they cuddle. I feel nothing. Carly wonders why Kate wants to have her wedding reception at the Haunted Star.

Connie plays Excited Kate for Sonny's sake and tells him the paper she's holding (the one we saw Johnny sign yesterday) is a surprise for him.

Patrick, shirtless (thank you Frank Valentini!), tells Britt on the phone that he'll meet her at the Floating Rib for their date. He answers the door, still shirtless (thank you Frank Valentini!) to what's-her-name. The one with the big glasses who acts like Molly used to.

Britt adjusts her dress at the GH elevators and tells Liz she's got a hot date. Liz, who looks two feet tall next to this Britt person, says that she's lucky.

Britt is surprised that a "pretty girl like" Liz would be single. (Britt, you should congratulate her on that since at the moment her taste in men is terrible.)

Speaking of which, Jason tries to kiss Sam again and she tells him she has to go. Some physical contrivance yields the divorce papers. Jason blinks. Once.

Credits. War Games! Oh, I don't know. The opening credits look like that movie's era is all.

Sabrina (that's her name!) acts like an idiot and "accidentally" tells Patrick his eyes are beautiful. Patrick is oblivious to her drool.

Liz tells Britt that the fella she's got eyes for is unavailable. "Make him available," says Britt, explaining that when one sees something one wants, one must go for it. Okay, seriously, I always knew Becky Herbst was a petite li'l thing, but she looks three feet shorter than Britt. 

Jason notices that Sam already signed the divorce papers, but of course he gets interrupted (by John texting him that he has the DNA sample of the baby), so they don't discuss it.

Anna continues to question Todd about Heather. Finola Hughes is a living goddess. 

What A Day For A Daydream

I knew this was coming.

I knew that General Hospital wouldn't let Patrick mourn for forever and, really, that I should be grateful the writers managed to keep Patrick unattached for even this long, because the show's historical tendency to haphazardly rush storylines and ignore any sort of emotional resonance easily could have given us a story that saw Patrick in love by the time mid-July rolled around. And they didn't. And that makes me happy.

So, in return, I feel like it's only fair for me to watch things unfold and not judge. This is extraordinarily difficult because my default emotion is judgment, and because I am a reformed (please don't point out that my reformation came about only because of the faked death of one half of the couple) Patrick and Robin squealing and flailing devotee. But I'm going to trust the writers, who have done a pretty fantastic job with this story thus far, not to completely ass this up and rush Patrick into an absolutely ridiculous love triangle rife with overacting and cringe-worthy moments. Yup. This is me just sitting back and not jumping to conclusions. I'm just along for the ride, all pleasant optimism.

But if I were still the kind of person who would mire herself in a bottomless pit of pre-hate, these are the kinds of things I think I would say. You know...hypothetically.

• Where on earth did these two even come from? The show didn't even have the common decency to have them lurk around in the background like extras for a few weeks before being given non-essential lines and then a storyline. No, all of a sudden they were just there and I assumed I had forgotten about their introductions, which led me to seriously and melodramatically wonder if I have an injury that is causing me to forget large chunks of information. Luckily for me, I'm not injured, I just watch a show that has gotten markedly better but is still staggeringly inept.
• Britt seems extremely predatory. I can't tell if it's because of her smile, the strident way she speaks or because all of her dialogue has a touch of crazy aggression. Or all of the above! All I know is that I physically worried for Patrick's life when he hesitated after Britt roped Sabrina (basically a stranger) into babysitting for Emma (who must be rolling her eyes like, "I don't need a babysitter, I need a bodyguard to keep me safe from the unhinged women you bring home").
• Sabrina's fantasy was so awkward on every single level that I had to cover my eyes like I do when I'm watching a gory scene in a horror movie. I JUST stopped cringing.
• Also, she's strongly coming across as young-teen, which gave her scenes this week a Lifetime movie sort of feeling.
• I say all of this like there is even a small chance I won't devour every single second because I am the kind of person who smiles every time Jason Thompson is onscreen.

Marriages to End, Thwart, and Begin

If I were married, I'd totally save today's episode of General Hospital to watch on our anniversary every year. So romantic! Sam talking to John about divorcing Jason (on their anniversary), Alexis hoping to get Kristina and Trey's marriage annulled (oopsie, it's consummated!), John talking about the restraining order his common-law wife and baby-mama has against him, Connie twirling her D.I.D. mustache regarding "her" wedding to Sonny, and Sonny explaining to one of his thirty-four babymamas that he's about to become stepfather to his son-in-law.

And oh yeah, and the divorce that happened off screen that Carly told Johnny about, the one with which I take the most umbrage. Last we saw Carly and Jax, she was telling him it's time to sign the divorce papers... and, scene. And next we see it's another day and she's just filling in her lame new douchebag boyfriend about it? Look, I know in a way Carly and Jax ended their marriage on screen about 47 times, but dammit, this was the only hint of a pairing that Laura Wright's Carly has ever been in that I could get behind personally (and yeah, yeah, I know the whole objection about how the show made Jax the loser in that relationship at every turn, but they're under a new regime now that I trust more on that front, and I'm a sucker for Laura Wright and Ingo Rademacher's chemistry, regardless of writing). And this is a couple that's been a major pairing for more than half of the past decade. They couldn't give us scenes of the two sitting down to sign the papers and saying goodbye? What's worse is that I find it impossible to care about the stakes here. Johnny's going to lose Carly when she finds out what he did to Cole and Hope? Or when he goes along with whatever plan Connie has for him? I cannot find a way to muster up a damn about Johnny anymore, which bums me out because I used to find him uber-charming. And worse, the union of Carly and Johnny has never rung true for me, not for one second. It looks like he needed a mommy figure and she's around to provide nurturing. This is not because of the age difference -- please, I like an older woman/younger man coupling a lot -- but they seem so forced to me. Am I the only one who feels like they look like they're playing house or something? And it's weird because neither Wright nor Barash is an actor who usually has trouble selling anything. And this whole storyline hinges so much on the stakes of this "great love." And I'm just left with a big fat shrug.

The Blah & the Blue

Straight recap of today's The Bold & the Beautiful!

Deacon explains to Hope that he's sorry he left before her wedding and that he's come back because he heard it didn't stick.

(Does he know just how many of Liam's weddings didn't stick?)

Katie talks about the strongly kicking baby and Bill says a bunch of dumb sexist crap about what Spencer men are supposed to be like. Katie is mysteriously charmed while still scolding him for it, as per usual. They say a few words about Hope and Liam and I glaze right over.

Hope tells her father she thought she'd never see him again. She catches Deacon up on all the latest tedious drama with Liam, and Deacon expresses appreciation for Hope's forgiveness and acceptance. "I'm as responsible as anyone else for things not working out between you and Liam," he tells her. 

Credits.

Thomas and Caroline canoodle and then start chatting about Hope. And Liam. Because it's a day ending in "y" and what the hell else would they talk about. Rick rushes in and raves about the photos that poor Oliver took of Thomas and Hope. Rick is as unsubtle as ever.

Liam comes in all dressed up like a Real Spencer Man in a leather jacket.

Hope starts to tell Deacon about the misunderstanding regarding "his" note back in Italy, which he starts to ask about but she interrupts him because this is a soap opera and people never just get revealing questions out the first time.

Ads.

Oliver! He's adorbs. Pam and Donna act ridiculous about this "prestigious" receptionist position they share. 

Bill insists to Katie and Liam that Hope doesn't love Liam anymore and they "both know all there is to know." Which they don't, so we cut to Deacon listening to Hope explain how things fell apart at all of the many weddings. He looks less than pleased about how this all played out, and keeps things vague with, "If I had just stayed [in Italy] there never would have been a letter for Liam to misinterpret." Deacon tells Hope she sure doesn't sound like she's finished with Liam. OH IF ONLY.

Ads.

Gasp! Choke! Wheeze! Wail!

As I watched Kelly Sullivan nearly asphyxiate today as she gasped and wheezed and shrieked while Kate pieced together the clues that seem to indicate that Trey is the child she abandoned in a drawer, I scoffed to no one in particular and said, "Right, because that's how people respond to news. With a series of increasingly melodramatic and oxygen deprived sounds. Right".

Kate: How old are you?
Trey: ...25
Kate: GASP! WAIL! GASP! CHOKE! ASTHMA ATTACK! PRIMAL SCREAM!

And then I realized that I had those exact responses to today's General Hospital and today's General Hospital related news, so either I am a melodramatic mess or perhaps I ought to give Kelly Sullivan a little more credit for a performance that turned out to actually be highly realistic and nuanced.

(Of course at the very second I typed the above sentence, my rewatch of today's show aired the exact moment that Kate-Now-Connie screamed at Trey, "Do I have to spell it out for you? I WANTED TO AB. ORT. YOU!" So, uh, never mind. It's just me being a mess.)

Things I Want To See More Of, Part II

Y'all. It's just been an embarrassment of riches this week on General Hospital. First there was Monday's super-fun stage combat goodness (McBain's hilarious roll was on The Soup last night!), then there was Tuesday's heart-wrenchiness (over which Mallory appropriately shed So Many Tears), and then yesterday was this terrific sort of celebratory release from all the tension and the tugged heartstrings. So, I present to you a few pieces of awesome that I hope we get more of in the future!

1. Olivia-as-Cassandra-by-way-of-LSD.

Don't do drugs, kids! Or maybe do, because then you'll see the future. You could probably market such a skill for a pretty penny.

2. Long, hot kisses on location with the camera sweeping around the hottest couple in town. 

Yes, please. More, please!

The World According to Bill Spencer

Oh, Bill. That lovable rascal! He's certainly been in top form these last couple of episodes, hasn't he? First, there was that bizarre speech he made at the end of Monday's episode after strong-arming Liam into eating rare steak he didn't want and drinking his twelfth glass of wine.

Bill:It's no secret that I want you two back together. With Hope, you've been regressing. Liam, come on. That's not what being a Spencer is about. Look at these women. Katie, Steffy -- Spencer women -- two of the strongest women I know. With Katie, you have love, strength, guidance. Isn't that what you want, Liam? You had it when you were with Steffy. And you could have it again. A true partner.  Hope turned you into a boy, but you're not a boy. You're a man. You're a Spencer. Start acting like it.

And the women just kind of sat there in silence letting him blather on. You know, because they're so strong. And Liam, the "man," just sat there in silence as well. Because he's so tough that he lets everyone else on the planet tell him who he is and what he wants. And Steffy is a Spencer woman now? Bill! YOU ARE CREEPY.

And then yesterday in some warped verion of Pygmalionfrom Hell, Bill forced Liam into smoking a cigar (because that's what men do) and drinking port (because that's what men do) as once again the women sat around virtually silent (because that's what strong women do). When Katie told him he couldn't smoke the cigar indoors around her (what with her being preggers and all), Bill told Liam that's what women do -- they try to control you, and you must not let them succeed. After which he did exactly what Katie had told him to do and went outside for the cigar.

During this little man-to-man chat, Bill explained to Liam that he must not try to measure up to other expectations and should just be himself. And then Bill tried to turn Liam into someone else entirely, because Bill really just wants Liam to live up to Bill's expectations and, in fact, not be himself at all. Thankfully Katie later pointed this out, reminding Bill that he's just trying to turn Liam into him. 

Which Bill naturally denied, as well as denying that he's trying to push Steffy and Liam together. Yes, Bill, it's clear that inviting Steffy to your family dinners and referring to her as a Spencer woman and telling Liam he should be with her is not trying to push them together.