Farewell to the Nation's Cuddliest Hitman
Well, gang, today's the day. The day we all have to weep and join hands in our mutual grief over saying goodbye to Saint Jasus of Assassin. Or, you know, it's Steve Burton's last air date. Whichever.
I'm of mixed feelings on this departure. I'm not a fan of this character, but I don't hold this against Steve Burton. I know he can be polarizing at times, but I honestly think he's done the job that's been asked of him (and he always has a refreshingly humble sense of humor about how few facial expressions are required of him at his job, and oh yeah -- he says Jason's a serial killer and always seems to be appropriately amused that he's treated as the moral center of the show). And I have to respect the man for being able to be at the center of two of the most unhinged couple-shipping fanbases in the history of television (disclaimer: I'm in no way suggesting that all Jason/Sam fans or all Jason/Liz fans are insane. I'm in every way suggesting that plenty of them are, and they tend to be the loudest ones), though admittedly I respect both Becky Herbst and Kelly Monaco for this even more, since they tend to bear the brunt of the more malicious lunatics. Can y'all tell I'm a little psyched that the Liz/Sam wars won't get any new ammunition anytime soon because of Jason's departure? Oh, who am I kidding. I'm sure message boards will be ablaze at the way Sam's mouth moved three scenes after a Liz scene or the way Liz cocked an eyebrow at Sam while handing her a piece of hospital paperwork. And each of these will be proof that the one gal is and always really was Jason's Tru Wuv. Plus, there are obviously at least 36 of Jason's long-lost spawn still out there to be discovered, and the warring contingencies will no doubt be keeping tally of how many of these were borne of "Liason" or "JaSam" or... aw, hell. The conspiracy theories are already hurting my head. I CAN'T WAIT. (I liked both pairings at times, by the way. Is there a firing squad nearby? I also could not give a crap who his soulmate "really" is since I wouldn't wish that on any character I really like.)
I have gone off the rails here.
Point is, Jason is still a Quartermaine and has still been a major character on this show for a couple of decades now. And Steve Burton really did a nice job making the character his own after replacing a string of random light-haired young boys who ran across the screen twice a year when the brothers were home from boarding school. I mean who ever really believed a new actor could replace the indelible mark left on us by young thespian Quinn Carlson? Or Bryan Beck?
Did I digress? I believe I did. What I'm trying to get at here is that I'm going to recap the show just as soon as I can get my DVR to stop punking out. Okay.
Here we go.
Lulu can't have a baby. Dante is adorable. And Lulu is sad.
The cops go to see Trey, who handles their arrival by crossing away from them so that he's at the opposite end of the screen. Was that weird blocking to anyone else? Sonny shows up and Michael tells him Joe had been there.
Jason shoots Joe and kicks away the gun.
He runs to Bernie, who does that awful soapy thing of spending a long time saying how he "needs to tell him about something," and phrases it several different ways and never gets it out anyway since EvilMeanBadDuke shows up and shoots Jason.
Anna tells Luke that Duke has no DNA on record, so his sample is meaningless. Luke sighs, as do I.
Monica's all excited about being a grandma again! Well, yeah, since Michael got stolen from the family and Jake got concealed and then killed, I can see how she'd be psyched. Too bad she's in for more bad news!
Duke kicks Jason off the dock into the water, ensuring that his body will not be found so that everyone can declare him dead and he can come back when Steve Burton gets tired of Tennessee or hanging out with James Franco, whichever comes first (my bet is on the latter).
This also ensures that the Jason-lovin' masses will hope Duke burns in a fiery inferno, just in case they hadn't stacked the decks against him enough yet (because of course, plenty of people might have thanked him for attempting to have Kristina offed). So, you know, yay. Great management of a beloved character's return from the dead after 23 years. Rock solid.
Lulu can't carry a child past the second trimester, and explains to Dante that it can't be fixed. She apologizes to Dante, who tells her not to apologize because he is the best.
Tracy mocks Monica, and also points out that Monica is not technically Danny's grandmother (so she thinks, as Monica adopted Jason but obviously not Franco), and then gets in a STELLAR POINT about how obviously Jason can accept the baby "because he clearly has no problem with other men's babies" (when she's right she's right!). Monica accuses Tracy of being worried about sharing the inheritance, and tells Tracy that the baby was named after Edward. Tracy gets pissy about this and again makes a STELLAR POINT about how Jason rejected the family and is a career criminal and has brought bloodshed down on the family, which Monica refers to as "dramatics." Or, in my dictionary, "facts." Anyway, Tracy tells Monica about removing the bullet from Joe a couple weeks back.
Sam fills John in on her reunion with Jason.
Bernie's all bleeding out on the docks and calls Sonny and whispers his location. Sonny asks what's wrong and Bernie says, hilariously, "Jason."
Lulu's adorable little doctor comes in and Dante explains that Lulu thinks her condition is her fault because of the abortion she had as a teenager.
Sonny and the beat cops run off to Pier 52. Michael wants to be manly and go help, but Sonny won't allow it. Trey tries to go, too, but Starr announces that they're both staying put, because Starr is a dominant. (I hope she and Michael have a solid safe word.)
Tracy and Monica bicker some more.
Luke moans on to Anna about investigating Duke. Alas, I'm pretty sure he's Duke. Speaking of whom, Duke shoots Bernie and then shoots after Joe, who gets away and Duke goes chasing after.
Sam tells John that the feelings they'd shared were real and they can't forget that. He suggests that they do.
Adorable Doc tells Lulu her condition is congenital and has absolutely nothing to do with the termination, which ultimately would have resulted in a miscarriage. The doctor suggests getting a second opinion, though she believes herself to be quite correct. She recommends that Lulu go back on birth control, for obvious reasons. Dante tries to reassure Lulu, who is not reassured. He gives her a bear hug and she bursts into sobs. I can't deal with how cute these two are.
Starr yells a lot.
Joe shows up at Tracy's, shot. Again. She forgets to say, "We have to stop meeting like this!"
Anna tells Luke she's sure about Duke and I am borrrrrrred. He tells her he has feelings for her. "Real, strong, important feelings." Seriously? Well, of course they're important, Luke! It's not like they're someone else's feelings!
This little baby playing Danny (or "sitting in the frame as Danny") is just the cutest. Sam thanks John for helping find Danny, and then lets him hold him.
Sonny finds a still-breathing Bernie, who tells him that Jason got shot and pushed into the harbor. Sonny takes off his jacket and shoes to jump in the water. I don't know why that cracked me up so much. But hooo boy, did it. (Also, Duke is apparently a really bad shot for such a Big Evil Menace To Society.)
Lulu and Dante share their sadness and how they pictured their future kids, and talk about how they at least have each other. Because they live in some weird paradigm where this means they can never be parents?
Joe tells some old Sonny stories to Tracy, about how Sonny used to call him a coward. His under-eye "I got shot and am dying!" makeup is really bad. Joe tells Tracy he saved her life.
Michael blathers on to Starr about how she doesn't understand "the business." She thanks him for staying.
Duke goes in to chat with Anna and Luke, the latter of whom decides to speak for Anna, and they continue with the same conversation they've been having. Luke suggests they get Duke's fingerprints. Duke asks Anna if she really wants to indulge Luke's paranoia.
John fills Sam in on his personal life. Natalie's restraining order against him is still in effect. John tells her a bunch of ridiculous stuff that Natalie would never say -- that his job is too high-risk, that he's not financially stable enough to accommodate Natalie's lifestyle, that he doesn't play well with others. Uh, she loves all that shit. And financially? She wouldn't care, but even if she did? She's a freakin' multi-millionaire! This is silly. I'll just assume that it's not real and Natalie's just saying this shit to hurt him because he hurt her. Anyway, Sam wants to know if John is staying in Port Charles.
Sonny comes back above water and screams about how he has to find Jason.
Doing these straight recaps was way more fun with wine.
Dante tells Lulu she is perfect to him. These two are such a down-to-earth pairing. I love it.
Bernie fades while, you know, trying to tell Sonny something.
Anna tells Duke she believes he is who he says he is, but it'll be easier for everyone if he just does the fingerprint test. Luke grins evilly at Duke. Duke furrows his brow evilly at Luke. This is not really the exciting vets' love triangle we were all looking for.
Joe tells Tracy he saved her life with the antidote, and he guilts her into calling Trey to get him over there. Trey lies that he's going to help Kristina. Michael gets all worried about something maybe happening to Jason. Starr asks, appropriately, "Isn't that his job?" Michael makes his Droopy Dog face.
Sam asks John how Tea is doing, which is a very nice touch. John heads out and Sam tells him she really hopes he gets his family back. He tells her to always cherish what she has with Jason and Danny, you know, to lay it on real thick.
Some divers swim around looking for Jason, but Sonny feels the effort is insufficient. Jason, he points out, has a wife and a kid! (Which I'm sure is not the case for any of Jason's or Sonny's victims, right? I'm assuming.)
Adorable Doctor brings Lulu her birth control prescription and a packet of information of "alternatives" of creating a family, and reminds them that there are still many ways they can have children. Duh!
The cops zip up Bernie in a body bag, and comment that he was shot by two different guns.
Duke's fingerprints match those they have on file. Luke pouts.
Yay! The smug got wiped right off his face.
Michael and Starr see the news report about the shooting, and Michael's sure that Trey went to help his father. Which he did. Joe starts to say his goodbyes to his son, and lies that it was Sonny who shot him.
There's a knock at Sam's door. Probably not good news! It's Sonny, who looks like he had a rough swim.
And again, I worry for what's about to be demanded of Kelly Monaco's tear ducts.