Serial Drama

In Which I Could Not Possibly Be More Anxious

It's amazing what a well-timed piece of General Hospital history can do. We all knew Sean Kanan was returning. We all knew his first airdate. We all knew that, despite the vague way the casting announcement was worded, he'd be back as AJ because of the (roughly) thirty thousand mentions of AJ Quartermaine this week on a show that historically referred to him hardly at all unless it was to denounce him some more, like he was the town's war criminal, or during the annual listing of the Quartermaines who have been lost throughout the years.

So why did I SCREAM at the end of Friday's show and flail my hands and generally make a spectacle of myself?

BECAUSE OF THE AWESOME IS WHY. THE AWESOME.

The worst part of this looming hurricane/Frankenstorm is my worry that I will not have electricity on Monday, which would be a TRAGEDY, because I cannot even wait for Monday's show. I have so many questions: Where was he? Why is he back now? How did he once again rearannge his facial features and change his height and body type?

The Lazy & the Lovely

Now that enough episodes have passed for the pattern to become clear, I do have to say how impressed I am with the structure they're using for Stephanie's departure on The Bold & the Beautiful. True, they were provided with two luxuries: a departing actress willing to give a couple more months of her time after the "official" end of her final contract, and a character already established to have cancer -- making a sudden out-of-nowhere terminal illness unnecessary, and also allowing Stephanie's easy acceptance of her prognosis a little less eyebrow-raising than it would be if this were her first time at the rodeo.

I don't honestly remember ever seeing this much reverence shown for an actress and a character's legacy. They are giving entire episodes to each of Stephanie's goodbyes with her loved ones (and B&B is smartly having that loved one's actor live-tweet each corresponding episode), complete with flashbacks and trips down memory lane. Not only is all of this great for the audience and for the characters, but it's so lovely that each actor is getting a chance to do a full set of one-on-one scenes with Susan Flannery. It's clear she's a beloved mentor around there, and equally clear that the on-screen tears are quite real.

And it's fun to guess which character will be next and which flashbacks we'll see. And whether or not non-contract folks will be invited to the one-episode each party (Felicia and Kristen, for instance). And recasts have made some of the flashback sequences a wee bit disappointing -- I think it's safe to say we would have all willingly suspended our disbelief to see flashbacks of older Stephanie/Thorne scenes with pre-Winsor Harmon actors, right? So much to pull from!

But speaking of limited flashbacks, what the heck was up with the Steffy-and-Stephanie flashbacks yesterday? They were only from two different storylines! I had so hoped to take a tour through Steffy Hairstyles Past.

 

I mean we got two, but that's not near enough!

Hello, cleavage!

Paying...Respect To a...Multifaceted Man. That's Diplomatic, Right?

Ever since Jason Morgan was shot in the back and rolled nonchalantly into the harbor by a man insinuating himself into Duke Lavery's life using Duke Lavery's face and voice and height and exact fingerprints, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I haven't been thinking about the future circumstances of Jason's inevitable miraculous return to Port Charles but if I put money on it, it would include amnesia of some sort and it would most certainly end with Jason recovering all of his Jason Morgan memories but still having a mental block on all Jason Quartermaine memories.

And I haven't been thinking of how the writers could possibly rehabilitate Duke and recapture what made him such a popular and hugely loved character twenty years ago, because there is no way that this person is Duke. An imposter, a charlatan, a wealthy evildoer with enough funding to corrupt DNA Databases and perform unnecessary body lengthening (or shortening) and bone shaving surgery, yes; Duke Lavery, no. So rehabilitation is not even an issue.

I certainly haven't been thinking about how I had a moment of "...aww!" today when Sonny nuzzled Baby Daniel and remarked of Jason "He's been shot, but he's been shot before. He's resourceful. He's going to come back to us. He's got to"...mostly because I tried to repress how sweet I found that whole scene. Is it just me? I give all the credit to that baby, who is just too damn cute.

And I haven't even been thinking of how I am possibly going to cope with the scenes in which Carly and Spinelli and the rest of Port Charles discover the sad fate of their friend. Well, technically that's not true; I HAVE contemplated buying a hearing aid because I know the moans and wails from Carly will deafen me and I might as well be prepared.

No, what I have been thinking of is Jason's obituary. Because I have long been interested in/fixated on the lives of people who live offscreen in Port Charles. Like, the local florist. She must have it pretty good, with all the weddings and funerals that happen in that town. Between Sonny's marriages and the casualties in his various mob wars, he probably financed her vacation house singlehandedly.

So how will local reporters spin this one? Because Jason was (is!) a man of so many contradictions! How can you best pay homage to him? "Famed mafia killer and spiritual adviser Jason Morgan is presumed dead after a shootout at the docks, where he no doubt went to read to the blind or provide solace to a disciple in need. The semi-devoted husband and newly doting father enjoyed learning about guns and using them. He was predeceased by nearly all of his biological family, because Bob Guza was a relentless killer of joy."  It must be a hard balance to strike, but I know that if anyone is up to the task, it's Serial Drama readers. Pay homage to The Holy Hitman in the comments!

Farewell to the Nation's Cuddliest Hitman

Well, gang, today's the day. The day we all have to weep and join hands in our mutual grief over saying goodbye to Saint Jasus of Assassin. Or, you know, it's Steve Burton's last air date. Whichever.

I'm of mixed feelings on this departure. I'm not a fan of this character, but I don't hold this against Steve Burton. I know he can be polarizing at times, but I honestly think he's done the job that's been asked of him (and he always has a refreshingly humble sense of humor about how few facial expressions are required of him at his job, and oh yeah -- he says Jason's a serial killer and always seems to be appropriately amused that he's treated as the moral center of the show). And I have to respect the man for being able to be at the center of two of the most unhinged couple-shipping fanbases in the history of television (disclaimer: I'm in no way suggesting that all Jason/Sam fans or all Jason/Liz fans are insane. I'm in every way suggesting that plenty of them are, and they tend to be the loudest ones), though admittedly I respect both Becky Herbst and Kelly Monaco for this even more, since they tend to bear the brunt of the more malicious lunatics. Can y'all tell I'm a little psyched that the Liz/Sam wars won't get any new ammunition anytime soon because of Jason's departure? Oh, who am I kidding. I'm sure message boards will be ablaze at the way Sam's mouth moved three scenes after a Liz scene or the way Liz cocked an eyebrow at Sam while handing her a piece of hospital paperwork. And each of these will be proof that the one gal is and always really was Jason's Tru Wuv. Plus, there are obviously at least 36 of Jason's long-lost spawn still out there to be discovered, and the warring contingencies will no doubt be keeping tally of how many of these were borne of "Liason" or "JaSam" or... aw, hell. The conspiracy theories are already hurting my head. I CAN'T WAIT. (I liked both pairings at times, by the way. Is there a firing squad nearby? I also could not give a crap who his soulmate "really" is since I wouldn't wish that on any character I really like.)

I have gone off the rails here.

Point is, Jason is still a Quartermaine and has still been a major character on this show for a couple of decades now. And Steve Burton really did a nice job making the character his own after replacing a string of random light-haired young boys who ran across the screen twice a year when the brothers were home from boarding school. I mean who ever really believed a new actor could replace the indelible mark left on us by young thespian Quinn Carlson? Or Bryan Beck?

Did I digress? I believe I did. What I'm trying to get at here is that I'm going to recap the show just as soon as I can get my DVR to stop punking out. Okay.

Here we go.

Lulu can't have a baby. Dante is adorable. And Lulu is sad.

The cops go to see Trey, who handles their arrival by crossing away from them so that he's at the opposite end of the screen. Was that weird blocking to anyone else? Sonny shows up and Michael tells him Joe had been there.

Jason shoots Joe and kicks away the gun.

He runs to Bernie, who does that awful soapy thing of spending a long time saying how he "needs to tell him about something," and phrases it several different ways and never gets it out anyway since EvilMeanBadDuke shows up and shoots Jason.

Anna tells Luke that Duke has no DNA on record, so his sample is meaningless. Luke sighs, as do I.

Willing To Accept Table Scraps

In a way it's just masochism. I mean what is the point of basking in all the excellent flashbacks to Duke and Anna's love story if we already know that Duke is the big, bad evil man behind all of the non-Heather-related evil in the world? (By the way, why do General Hospital's Twitter and Facebook accounts pose ridiculous questions like, "Do you trust Duke?" Uh, they've shown us that he's up to all sorts of dastardly and murderous deeds, so we know for sure he's lying. I almost felt sorry for all the people who answered, "No!" as if it were some astute instinct on their part. Boy, way to spot a liar! HOW DID YOU KNOW??)

And I'm not saying I'm over it. I'm so not. I don't care what happened over the last 20 years, nobody would change thismuch. So yeah, unless this is all smoke and mirrors (which I'll take! with any explanation, no matter how absurd!), GH and I are totally still in a fight.

But.

I melt! I just melt. I'm having flashbacks to the kids I must have mowed over on the way out of the school bus that afternoon to practically fly home to catch as much of this wedding as I could.

So fine. If this reminiscing and these flashbacks are all I get, I'll take 'em. Because as I've said, I never expected to see these two on screen together again. Ever. So this is better than nothing.

But seriously?

How gorgeous are these people? How do you get that good-looking? (I know, I know. Lucky gene pool.)

The Bold & the Therapeutic

Well then! I feel a little out of my comfort zone here because I'm about to talk about how good The Bold & the Beautiful has been. It's not that I've never praised an episode before, but typically they've been outliers and we've just gone back to the status quo the following day. And typically they've been part of that storyline I've complained about for over a year now, so there are qualifiers: "This was a well-written episode for a storyline I want to murder in the face!"

Now I don't want to jinx anything, but it's been a good solid two or three weeks now of balanced episodes and multiple storylines. You know, like soaps do. Steffy, Liam, and Hope are still part of a story arc, but it's just one of a handful. And no episodes have focused exclusively on that long-dead triangle. We're also dealing with the aftermath of Ridge having left Brooke, we're dealing with Stephanie's diagnosis, we're dealing with Katie's post-partum depression. Sometimes all of those things in one single 18-minute episode! I feel like my prayers to the soap gods are finally being answered, and I can only knock on wood that the Nielsen gods will respond in kind. (How heinous would it be if the show somehow dropped in ratings during all this awesomeness and Bell decided to revert to ALL LIAM ALL THE TIME?!)

Yesterday's episode was especially lovely and understated. We got Taylor showing up and actually being a psychiatrist! Sure, we could get into the ethics of treating a woman who is the sister of your decades-long romantic rival and the stepmother to your daughter's boyfriend (not to mention the cuckolded and current wife of your daughter's previous fling!), but soaps are soaps and doctors and cops and lawyers never have a conflict of interest (which sometimes flies because you imagine the town to be tiny, but hilariously this show takes place in Los Angeles). Point being, the therapy was actually therapeutic!

Katie: I just don't know what is wrong with me. Why can't I be a good mother?

Taylor: You're not doing anything wrong.

Katie: I'm doing everything wrong.

Taylor: No, you're protecting your son.

Katie: From what?

Taylor: From yourself.

Katie: What do you mean?

Taylor: You're afraid that you're going to abandon him. You're afraid that you're going to die. So you're not allowing him to get attached to you. You've been through... probably the most two intense emotions that you can go through in life, in one day. You know, you - -you had a heart attack at a time that was already stressful. You were facing the fear of possibly dying when your baby was being born. So maybe you're thinking that, you know, if I failed my baby once, I might do that again.

Katie: Maybe.

Thanks for Nothin'!

Wow.

Boy, remember last week when I was over the moon about Duke's return, and the possibilities of a reunion I've waited almost an entire quarter century for? 

I'm sorry to say this, but I would have rather he stayed dead.

 

Duke: The only woman I want to hear you talk about is Corinthos's daughter. And when you talk about her I want to hear only three words: SHE IS DEAD.

No. It's just not. I just don't. This is another impostor. Look, I'm totally fine with Duke being a gray-area kind of guy -- it makes sense with his introduction story back in the 80s (though not his departure story, thankyouverymuch), and they dominate this show. But having a teenage girl murdered? Nope. He wouldn't. Not in a million years. I don't care what kind of torture he was subjected to in his Turkish prison or who he's evolved into, it wouldn't be this. It wouldn't. Not in a billion trillion years. Running a scam on Sonny? No problem-o. Having innocent young women offed in order to do so? BIG PROBLEM-O.

I See The Writing (Repeating?) On The Wall

Maybe I'm wrong; maybe the dialogue we heard today, so death-obsessed and accompanied by the most dramatic of music, was just typical General Hospital morbidity and not foreshadowing for a poorly-paced and shoddily-resolved murder (or attempted murder. Which, from what I understand, is considered a capital crime and mortal sin in Port Charles. Actual murder is sort of a tricky gray area) mystery. I'd love to be wrong! Mostly because I don't think I have the wherewithal to survive another Port Charles trial (do you know how embarrassing it is to scream "I OBJECT!" at a fictional judge on your television screen?! Of course you do, because you have the same knowledge of the American justice system as a typical third grader and are therefore also horrified by the legal inaccuracies depicted on this show), but also because I don't want to lose the campy villainy of Heather Webber, who has raised daffily and terrifyingly talking to herself to an art form.

So, yeah, I'm hoping that the following are just a series of random dark moments, unconnected to each other and to the future plot of the show.

Dante: I'm not going to go near her until I know I'm not going to kill her or she's already dead. Whichever comes first.

Steve: Olivia's going to be fine and so are you.
Elizabeth:

"Yeah, sure. 'Fine'. Right. 'Fine', 'murdered', same diff."

Heather: What if I'm not? What if something happens?
Elizabeth:
 

"Something like fucking MURDER you nutter? Something like that? You know what will happen then? PEOPLE WILL CHEER AND FEEL SAFE AT NIGHT!"

Steve: It won't.
Elizabeth:

"Honestly, did none of you see me menacingly raise my eyebrows and seethe with hatred? What is the point of having perfectly manicured and surprisingly mobile eyebrows if no one is going to pay attention to them?"

Anna: I am going to see to it that you are confined to a hellhole a hundred times worse than Ferncliff for the rest of your miserable life.
Heather: Please don't.
Anna, mockingly: Oh, don't! Why? You'll never breathe fresh air again or feel the sun on your skin or see your precious Steven Lars again.

Steven: Maybe it's better for everyone if she just never wakes up.

That's a whole lot of people wanting to physically harm, or otherwise erase from this earth any sign of, Heather. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's the start of a mystery. Maybe Heather is immortal and can't be killed, so all of this is extremely moot. All I know is that if Heather winds up dead, my money is on Elizabeth's eyebrows.

Stuck On Repeat

I am more invested in Sam's reunion with her son than I ever anticipated being. "I think Sam is finally going to get her baby back this week!" I excitedly announced to a co-worker today who does not watch General Hospital and who did not even bother feigning interest when I explained that this was a soap plot and not a real life situation that could be the basis for a Lifetime Original Movie. "Sam and Jason are face to face with Heather in a dangerous situation?!" I asked my DVR before double checking my recording for tomorrow's show, which will possibly feature the conclusion of this story, and even making sure I was recording it on two channels just in case, because the thought of missing any of it is worrisome.

Is it just me? It's just me, isn't it? But it IS sort of emotional and awesome, right? And the moment where Jason showed Sam photos of her son was seriously heart-melting, wasn't it?

Jason: He looks like you, remember?
Sam: No, Jason. I don't remember. I only got to hold my son for a few minutes. I don't think I could even picture his face.

Sam, after seeing pictures: Oh my god, Jason. He's so beautiful! No, that's the wrong word. He's handsome. I mean, I don't know much about babies, but I'd say he looks pretty big for his age. I wish I could hold him.
Jason: You will.

It's like I'm a pod person. Although in my defense, I DID spend much of the episode hoping that Olivia will be this storyline's fatality because she so heartily deserves it ("Hey, dangerous wackadoo standing menacingly at the top of the stairs! Let me run UP the stairs in an effort to run past you because what could possibly go wrong?!") and...I'm operating at less than one hundred percent, mentally, because all of Tea's scenes today BROKE MY MIND. And MY EARS. The shrieking and the gasping! The wheezing! The constant repetition of shrill lines delivered in the midst of complete hyperventilation!

Tea: If I don't get him back, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to do. Help me, help me!

Tea: I'm going to stay calm. I'm going to stay calm.

Tea: What is it? Do you know something I don't know? What is it? Do you know something?

Tea: I don't know how I'm going to forgive myself. How am I going to forgive myself. I don't know. I don't know how I'm going to forgive myself?

Tea: I'm going to calm down, I'm going to calm down, I'm going to calm down, I'm going to calm down. Okay. Okay. I'm going to calm down. I'm going to calm down. Okay. I'm going to calm down, I'm going to calm down.

While all of this is probably an incredibly realistic portrayal of a horrified mother whose son is missing, I'd gladly give up realism (I mean, I've stuck with this show for a couple decades, haven't I?) to spare my hearing, and Florencia Lozano's vocal cords.

The No & the Please Don't!

Oh boy.

I... don't want to complain. I want to rave because we got three full episodes in a row that had absolutely nothing to do with Hope, Liam, and Steffy. We had a Deacon visit. We got a lot of great moments and great acting from the grownups. We got Heather Tom, just kicking ass and taking names with her stellar thespian skills in her post-pardum depression scenes. And even yesterday, when we did get subjected to some Hope/Steffy scenes, there were other storylines on display as well. You know, like a soap should do.

But there was something about this...

...and the way they lingered just a little too long... 

 

Uh oh.