Well, They Can't All Be Victories
For the past few months and, most especially, the past couple of weeks, I have been absolutely besotted with General Hospital and if that conjures up images of me batting my eyelashes and giggling demurely at my television, well, it should. Because I adore it. I have been talking about it relentlessly, to those who watch it and those who don't ("I made a doctor's appointment for the 12th..." "Are you talking about General Hospital?!" "...no." "Oh, well, since you brought it up--" "I didn't. Oh my god, are you BLUSHING?) and the slightest bit of traffic on my commute home completely ruins my mood, because I so badly want to get home and watch my recording.
Yesterday's episode continued the streak of adorability. Maxie and Lulu's somewhat absurd surrogacy conversation made me smile. I didn't fully hate the tortured and wholly unrealistic vocabulary during Spinelli and Ellie's scenes together. And I found myself aww-ing at Molly and Starr, even though the former has always irked me and I have absolutely no feelings about the latter unless "For the love of god, child, stop pulling those faces!" counts as a feeling.
And the Quartermaines! Oh, the Quartermaine squabbling made me feel right at home, even though my family is much more functional than the Q's have ever been. The discussion of ELQ Stock and, well, Wally Kurth's face gave me flashbacks to the golden era of this show. The reading of the will was equal parts humorous ("I guess Mr. Quartermaine preferred Big Bird to Oscar the Grouch") and awful--every time Tracy stridently and incredulously gasped, "Daddy is making me share x percent with my ragtag extended family?!", I became a little more suffocated by the growing dread that she would be left nothing and that the two of us would just melt into a puddle of humiliation, hers public and mine secondhand. I almost couldn't watch the very end, where it was confirmed that, nope, Tracy got nothing, but I was afraid to miss it because...well, because Jane Elliot has a hold on me.
Almost perfect, right? Then came the record scratch that is Kristina.
Whenever this girl is onscreen, I cringe. I'm sorry! I feel so mean saying it, but it's true. The writing and the recast have made me completely forget everything I ever liked about Kristina and the WTFness of her squawking in the midst of an otherwise perfect episode was glaring. The "sudden" realization she had about Joe Scully Jr. actually made me mute my TV.
Kristina: But that doesn't make sense. Why would your dad give up his only chance of survival -- no. Your dad had a thing for Tracy Q.? And he saved her life?
Sudden is in sarcastic airquotes because it actually took her about AN HOUR to deliver that line in a robotic monotone and move her eyes around wildly to convey "epiphany". It made me uncomfortable and also made me fervently wish that Trey wasn't the one leaving the show. And it's not like I care even a little about this half-assed history rewrite (I don't think ANYONE does, except maybe Erik Valdez and I think he was more interested in job security than the character itself, because he is a human being). I just think it's unfair that the person TRYING in this scenario is the one to exit and take with him lines like "My mother hates me even more than the day she left me in the drawer". It's a cruel world.