All I Need (Is More Ridiculousness Because It Brings Me Joy)
Only two important things happened on today's General Hospital and the word "important" is probably the understatement of this short year. "Momentous" would be more apt, I think. Perhaps even "life-changing".
The first is, obviously, Frisco's return.
I knew Jack Wagner was coming back. Even if I didn't know Jack Wagner was coming back, the entirety of today's Mac/Felicia/Kevin scenes were filled with so much foreshadowing amidst the 90s nostalgia and Felicia annoyingness (I am able to stand Felicia about 60 percent of the time and the rest of the time, she makes me nutty. I can't even predict it! There are some entire episodes that I watch thinking "Aw, Felicia! So good to have you back" and they are in no way different from the episode that makes me rage-y. I think the moral of this story is that I am an obnoxious person) that I'd still have a pretty good idea that Frisco would be showing his well-preserved face at some point before 3PM.
Felicia: Mac and I have been apart a lot, and that's my fault. But I know -- well, I've always known that, deep down, if I really needed him and I got into trouble, he would be there for me.
Mac: I would. I would. Just like I know felicia would show up for me.
Kevin: And I'm happy for both of you. But this situation is a little different, don't you think? You don't have a vampire between you.
Mac: We had Frisco. Does that count?
Felicia: The point is, is that we got past it. I put Frisco behind me.
So even with all of that obviousness and prior knowledge and DUH in mind, I still clapped a little when he made his grand entrance. It was so soapy! Frisco!
The second was Caleb's hair extensions.
I'm not sure I will ever stop laughing. They are RIDICULOUS. It's like they took hay, dyed it with shoe polish and then made poor Michael Easton wear it on his head. This is clearly a high point of soaps in 2013.
The story itself--the evil vampire doppelganger murder mystery. This is a thing!--makes not a lick of sense. The stories that are connected to this story (the issues between Kevin and Lucy, the you-know-it's-totally-coming teen love triangle between Molly, Rafe, and TJ with Danny playing the "What is happening right now?" chorus like he did, adorably, at the police station today) are either depressing or not incredibly interesting. And yet, I want more. Specifically, more flashbacks of a broadly smiling Michael Easton wearing a dead plant on his head.
Meanwhile, over at the hospital side of General Hospital, Patrick Drake continues to make women crazy and by that I mean, certifiably insane. Remember when he and Lisa slept together and her break with reality started, like, minutes later? It's like that all over again. One breakup and a handful of harsh words later, and Britt is all snarls and unethical medical practices and blackmail.
Britt: Well, when you didn't respond, I assumed you changed your mind. You know, it's probably for the best. I can call Lulu, and I will make a full disclosure. I'll explain that you're having Spinelli's baby and not hers.
Maxie: No, no! Okay. Whatever you want, I'll do it. I'm in.
Britt: Glad to hear it.
Maxie: So, what are we talking about here? You want a makeover? Not that you need one. Um -- some personal shopping, I'm hoping?
Britt: You're gonna help me destroy Sabrina Santiago.
First of all: Maxie, your life is terrible because you have never made a life choice that is anything but terrible.
Also, this has disaster and boredom written all over it. "Destroy" how? Like, murder her? Britt is aggressive enough at the best of times that I wouldn't be surprised, but it will more likely involve public humiliation in the manner of a very special episode of Blossom and unless a Joey Lawrence stand in is around to say "Whoa", I'm not into it.
Third of all: Sabrina kind of deserves to be destroyed. Or at least publicly humiliated or slapped upside the head because this is just sad and pathetic.
Sabrina: Because what am I supposed to do? Just walk right up to him and say, "Hey, excuse me, Patrick. I'm sorry for interrupting your phone call, but I just wanted to let you know that I have been madly in love with you from the first moment I laid eyes on you"?
Really? A grown person actually said that and wasn't joking, the way I was joking when I said almost exactly the same words to Colin Kaepernick during his first Monday Night Football start (really, I could watch him play football all day, every day. Also, I miss football already). She was serious. It worries me. Can I arrange a psych consult for a fictional character?