Once More, For Old Time's Sake
Well, it's happened.
I was constantly worried about it, especially when Josslyn went from Fat-Headed to Elementary-Aged and Super Blonde. I just figured that when the adorably expressive Braden Walkes vacated the role of Cameron, it would be because the show was going to SORAS him, not just...replace him randomly, with someone about his exact age. I am crossing my fingers that he exited under adorable circumstances, like there was some cute little extracurricular activity that gave him a major scheduling conflict. Like, "Oh, man, I'd love to film a little scene with Laura, but I have karate class and then archeology club! Darn!"
At least I was prepared for it--while I waited for my coffee (iced coffee, even though it was hardly iced coffee weather and is actually frigid out; I'm operating under the delusion that if I think spring, spring would come, as if I, Mallory Harlen, am the person controlling the weather. Like Mother Nature will take notice of my three quarter sleeved shirts, ballet flats and frozen drinks and think, "Oh, right, I should end winter right about now), I received word from Louise telling me the terrible news. And I was glad to hear it from a friend, well in advance of actually seeing it unfold, because I was at least prepared. If I had been watching General Hospital live and saw this Brooklyn Beckham looking moppet responding to the name Cameron, I probably would have been beside myself.
So how can we best pay homage to a hilariously emotive little guy who brought some moments of levity to a dark, dreary era of GH? By letting his most iconic moment do the recapping of some of today's worst lines. Because, ironically, if there was ever sixty minutes of this show that could have used Cam's sneer, they were the sixty minutes that aired today...
Okay, first of all, what was up with Jack Wagner's random shouting? Why does "SO MANY FEELINGS!" have to be conveyed with an utter lack of volume modulation?
And secondly, how the hell would Maxie know of Frisco's tunnel-vision approach to getting what's important to him? She hasn't had contact with him since the 90s. She--and her sister, and her sister's FUNERAL--wouldn't seem to be things that matter to him, so maybe dial back the smug a notch or six, Mr. Jones.
I haven't felt genuine sympathy for Maxie in eons, but Olivia's squawking had me squirming uncomfortably for her (Olivia's next line, "Is it my grandbaby she's carrying or not?" had me squirming as well, from the pain of rolling my eyes at the show's complete ineptitude at subtlety, and then it reminded me of Maxie and Spinelli's tryst and Maxie being a mostly terrible human being, and any sympathy I had for her for, like, seven seconds evaporated in a haze of hatred and annoyance). I did love Dante's "Ma, could you take it down a notch and leave Maxie alone?" because it so perfectly blended the minor embarrassment and annoyance that would be the default tone of any child of Olivia's.
Also, why did Steve sprint over and introduce himself to Frisco? That...was weird.
That is something that happened.
I CANNOT DEAL WITH HER, YOU GUYS.
I get that losing a patient--and believing that you are solely responsible for it--is traumatic. I get that Sabrina would be depressed. But the moaning and dissolving into tears without the slightest provocation and caterwauling that all she wants to do is confess to anyone/everyone that she is a murderer is already tiresome, especially since she reacts the same way (tearfully) to any personal or professional setback: her crush doesn't know she's been in love with him since the second she met him? TEARS! Her crush is dating a mega-bitch? TEARS! Her ipod skipped over the Adele song that she really wanted to listen to? TEARS! STOP PICKING ON SABRINA, WORLD!
But really, she was breathless with self-loathing because she believes she's a murderer and in the exact same sentence, she sighed:
Sabrina: On top of everything else, I don't have a Valentine.
"On top of everything else--like, murder! MURDER, which I keep saying hysterically at the top of my lungs. I freaking killed a man!--I don't have a Valentine! I'm SINGLE. How could my life POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE THAN IT IS RIGHT NOW? I'd almost rather be the dead cop! At least HE had a FAMILY".