Serial Drama

Why, Caroline, Why?

Caroline Spencer, why must you ruin the lovely clip-clop-clip-clop of Central Park horse carriages for me for the rest of my life?

Because seriously, this happened yesterday.

Caroline: So, then you should grab a bottle of champagne and take a carriage ride through Central Park. That's what I used to do on nights like this.

Rick: This is not New York, Caroline.

Caroline: No. But I'm New York. And you can ride in my carriage all night.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My ears, my ears!

I don't know why I should be surprised, as this is the same show that came up with, "I'm a 1200cc twin-pipe crotch-rocket ready to burn rubber on that heart o' yours. How can you say no to that?"

The Day's Most Old School Soapy Dialogue

As much as I rolled my eyes over the continuing saga (with the amount of time this so-called story has gotten, you'd think it was actually an epic storyline of its own!) of Milo being straight that has seen Felix pout for the past few days and Sabrina stare into space all doe-eyed and awkward--and I rolled my eyes at that A LOT!--and as much as I groaned over Scott whining again some more incessantly about Luke and Laura--and I groaned over that A LOT like, ohmigod, there is so much more to Scott Baldwin than JUST being the guy who lost Laura to Luke and when he made a remark the other day that he blamed BOBBIE for bringing Luke to town in the first place, I guffawed a horrified guffaw. A horrifaw. Although the petty, grudge-holding part of me kind of respects his commitment to not letting things go--I ended today's episode of General Hospital squealing and saying "Holy 1994!" because, really, this moment?

Laura: WAIT! I'm coming with you.

I could not have loved it anymore. I'm STILL squealing.

 

Unsurprising Surprises and Surprises of Fun

Today's episode promptly revealed that Shawn didn't really shoot Nikolas which, I mean, duh. We pretty much all knew that, despite yesterday's attempted fake-out.

But here's where it got awesome.

Shawn: C'mon, Dante, you know me. I didn't shoot anyone, I'm just trying to help!

What? Yeah, I'm sure Dante would never side-eye this dude considering his early storylines. If I do recall correctly, Shawn was deeply involved in the car explosion at Dante's father's wedding. A former mercenary who reformed and then got bored again and started acting as muscle for the local mob boss. You know me! (But he's a good guy now, y'all, 'cause remember that one time he found a dog in a car? Where is that dog these days?)

Anyway, naturally he took a bullet for the police commissioner today because while they've done a great job of making GH wildly and blissfully less mob-focused over the past year, we have to have some way to recognize our show. And what better way than allowing one of Sonny's associates to be valiant and heroic and more competent than cops?

Things Happened In Port Charles And I Loved All Of Them

I can't explain exactly what made Friday's episode of General Hospital such a delight--the big returns? The great performances? The fairy wings? The noticeable absence of Carly?--but I do think I bore more than a passing resemblance to Nelson Muntz when he watched Andy Williams perform, all adoring and blissful.

I mean, NIKOLAS! For the past few years, I was uninterested in Nik at best and disgusted and horrified by him at worst (I'm doing a kind thing for all of us and NOT going through the archives to find the grossest and most upsetting Nikolas/Elizabeth link to use as proof of said disgust. You're welcome!), but the second he appeared at the end of the show, all of my fond memories came rushing back and I'm pretty sure that I started clapping. Nostalgia is a crazy thing. 

Cop played by Rick Springfied's real life son, which I guess was the most important thing on his resume and landed him this gig because oh my gosh, is he not good at acting: There's someone here to see you.
Luke: Well, let him in.
Laura: Nikolas. Son. Thank you.

Eeeeeeee, right?

The Bold & the Beautiful: Half(ish) Week In Review

So I finally got around to binge-viewing the last four episodes of The Bold & the Beautiful all in one sitting, and I'm kind of excited. Sure, I'm still fast-forwarding through anything Hope/Liam/Steffy-related, but really that only meant skipping yesterday's scenes between Liam and Hope (though I did catch a few blips here and there before and after my finger hit the button -- I heard Hope say "We were robbed!" for the 872nd time, so at least I know no one has any new insight, and I'm pretty sure she told Liam about how she asked Steffy to quit her job because Hope has the sads and Liam didn't tell her she was an asshole for it because he, too, is an asshole so it doesn't even matter). But otherwise? I have not had this much fun watching B&B in a long, long time.

Correct me if I'm mistaken, but I think B&B is done for the week due to something basketball-related? Seems like as good a time as any to reflect.

First of all: physician, heal thyself! Okay, not really. Because the more ridiculous Taylor's behavior, the happier I am. The more frequently she uses the word "inappropriate" and infuses it with the ugliest kind of judgment and condescension there is, the more amused I get.

Not that she's wrong. Brooke is totally hot for Bill, and he's even admitted that he's super-into her and is struggling with it. And she is milking that for all it's worth, because Brooke is going to be Brooke. And of course Katie walked in on the two of them horizontal in a bed alone with champagne.

D'oh!

How hilarious was it that Brooke's response to Katie's accusations wasn't "I am not interested in your husband and you can trust me," but instead was "now seems like a good time to lecture you about how hot and awesome your husband is and how you need to start treating him like it."

The Most Relatable Moment In The World

Let's face it, we've all been there. We're just liars if we say we haven't.

I mean who hasn't found out that a convicted gang rapist was spying on us through a camera hidden in our toddler daughter's toy and then just finally found ourselves completely and utterly unable to resist his advances?

No one, that's who. It's happened to all of us. Three times this week for me so far.

But alas, because Carly is so emotionally mature, she cut it off before it went too far. She regrets nothing, but is wise enough to understand that she and Todd are both just terrified of love, despite the fact that the two of them combined have been madly in forever-love with a combined total of at least five people in the last two years.

Again, this is emotional wisdom and has nothing to do with a bunch of intellectual property issues still being sorted out behind the scenes, nor does it have to do with Roger Howarth being on contract for the first six weeks of the re-launch of that show that created this here Todd Manning character. (Where perhaps big sis Viki will make him start being less douchey or... something?)

We're all worried, right? Oh, stop. There's no way these two won't come back together! How could they not, when they are the greatest love to ever love and the most unique relationship in history and the most passion either has ever known?

So Utterly Trivial!

It didn't quite achieve the comedic heights of the "Helena faked Lucky's death and it was hilarious" caper, but Heather and Todd's dead baby switch was a constant source of amusement to all of us, right? Or it was to some of us, at least. Namely Todd Manning. That scamp!

As Louise ranted on Facebook, Todd had a run-in with Sam that was basically the opposite of everything I've ever wanted for these two characters from an entertainment standpoint and it was also incredibly angry-making. 

Todd: Sam, we live in the same town. We're gonna run into each other. Don't you think?
Sam: You think you just got away with it. Stealing my son, leaving me to grieve.
Todd: You got your kid back. Why can't it be over?
Sam: Because it's not.
Todd: Okay. You're an angry Sam. I see that. I get it. You want revenge. I know how that feels.
Sam: Well, maybe, one day, something really awful will happen to your family. Then you can tell me you know how it feels.

Rage, right? RAGE.

Okay, first of all, THIS WAS THE ENTIRETY OF THEIR CONFRONTATION and I'm sorry to YELL AT YOU IN CAPS LOCK, but I am angry that what could have been an EPIC confrontation was reduced to a couple of dozen words when it could have taken place over the course of the entire week or, at the very least, a few different scenes! It's only sort of a huge deal! I mean, it's clearly not as huge as Todd and Carly's estrangement, which is the most important thing to ever take place in the history of Port Charles (stalking and non-consensual video surveillance are also pretty hilarious to the GH writers. "Creepy? More like cre---creazy that these crazy kids can't work it out, amirite?!"), but still!

The writing--and Roger Howarth's performance--were so tone-deaf and wrong that it actually IS almost funny in how spectacularly it misses the point. Like, Todd was so irritated that he had to have this conversation with this random lady (who was destroyed--albeit temporarily, like, get over it, woman!--by his actions) instead of creepily monitoring the woman he's crushing on. And peeved at having a conversation that was so below him, like Sam was the one being petty over borrowed clothes.

"Ohmigod, Sam. Are you really going to roll your eyes at me every time you see me? I'm sorry that you're upset with me for returning your sweater with a hole in it, but it was an accident. Can't we just move on? It's not like it's cashmere!"

RAGE.

Nonsense And Sensibility

So in the latest episode of General Hospital, Sonny made this face:

What else is new, right?

But wait! There was a catch. He was full of accuracy. Insight. Sensible thoughts. Good advice. Reasonable human empathy and sensitivity. He basically displayed the most emotional intelligence and maturity of anyone on this show. 

I'M NOT EVEN LYING.

He told Connie that he loves both her and Kate because they are, in fact, two parts of the same person and so he can't cheat on her with... her. And he told her that she needs to get psychiatric treatment, like, pronto. And get integrated.

Sonny: You can't live like that! At constant war with Kate, being afraid that she's gonna, you know, take over!

Which was an excellent point, one that he hilariously followed up by challenging Connie to go have the sex with him and show him how long she can stay Connie. His magical alter-emergence-inducing rod to the rescue!

Sonny: I told you that I love you both and I want both of you to be happy, but that can't happen unless you see a doctor. Can you trust me on that? Can you let me help you? 

Who is this supporting, patient, thoughtful man and what has he done with Sonny Corinthos, the man who tried to have Jax murdered for giving Brenda a ride to Europe???

Connie: What if I'm wrong and she's stronger than me? What if I just disappear?

Sonny: No, you will be a whole person!

Connie: I can't, I can't, I'm scared!

Is That A Little Sun Peeking From Behind Those Clouds?

What with the later-afternoon shows being pre-empted for white papal smoke and the like, I decided to spend my evening catching up on the week's B&B episodes so far. I think I might not have even fast-forwarded anything! (If I'm not mistaken, Liam hasn't even shown up once this week.)

The primary stories right now seem mostly to be about the various Forrester Creations dramas, the new cohabitation status of Taylor and Eric, Caroline's new obsession with sushi and her freshly-minted Manhattan Princess attitude (seriously, no one who lives here without being a billionaire is afraid to get a Iittle dirty -- the sidewalks alone on a rainy day mean you find a system for dealing with mess in expensive shoes, and that's to say nothing of the rats, and let's not pretend any New Yorker isn't quite accustomed to regular interactions with homeless people... but okay, show! we'll take your word for all this!), and the budding romance between Maya and Rick.

Maya and Rick, who I'm pretty sure made out in broad daylight on a median strip. Which, really, if you have a serious girlfriend and you're also an allegedy fairly high-profile public figure... it just doesn't seem wise. 

But no matter! Rick and Maya played "rich girl tries on fashions" at the FC boutique and Rick was quite smitten.

And really, who can blame him?

Super-pretty. And she wasn't the least bit suspicious when Rick seemed to know precisely the right poses she should make to properly display a garment. 

Anyway, Rick finally 'fessed up that he's really Rick Forrester, president of Forrester Creations, and Maya promptly fled back toward the median strip. Most young women recently out of jail who are pursuing acting careers generally run away as fast as they can when they find out their new suitor is a multi-millionaire, right? Makes perfect sense! Wealth? What a turnoff!

From The Dumpster Outside PCU's Nursing School

Y'all, it helps to have an "in" amongst the sanititation department at Port Charles University.

Check out this piece of paper someone found outside one of the nursing classes last week:

Wow, I wonder who it belongs to! Seems like some important conclusions were drawn.

Editor's Note: Okay, so I'm adding this because a lot of people have inquired about the MASH game. Different regions had different rules, and I don't know when it was at its height of popularity (I played it in the late 70s/early 80s) or if kids still play it today, but here's a little primer: http://www.wikihow.com/Play-M.A.S.H

(I'd take issue with the "teen savvy" part of that entry because, really, I think any kid would have been mocked mercilessly for playing it after at most age 11. But otherwise it's a good breakdown of how it worked!)