Valiantly Refusing To Make A Handful Of "Relish" Jokes
It's not that I wasn't excited to have a snow day and an impromptu three-day weekend and the opportunity to nap and spend the entire day in leggings; I was excited about all of those things. But what I was MOST excited for was the chance to watch General Hospital live. It was the very first thing that ran through my head when I heard work was closed (and I'm eternally grateful that I managed to only think my excited thoughts and not blurt them out, because that would have been quite the awkward conversation), which says a lot about how much I am enjoying most of General Hospital these days.
And then, because I am terrible at change and hardly ever home during the week to watch GH as it airs, I promptly forgot that the show moved to 2 and was halfway through a batch of scones (is there anything more perfect on a cold day than a good scone?) when I realized that I'd have to give up the dream of liveblogging the show. But I will settle for a good old-fashioned recap!
Spinelli and Tracy at the Quartermaine mansion. She, like any rational person, is absolutely disgusted that he'd come into her home using the front door where anybody could see him.
General Hospital: Sabrina is beside herself looking for Epiphany about the results of the exam re-do and whines at Elizabeth that she can't find Pip anywhere. Elizabeth, having a terrible day of her own, turns around and reveals a face covered in pretty tears. Her phone reveals an incoming call from one Mr. AJ Quartermaine, who leaves her a(-n adorable) voicemail expressing his sympathy for what's going on with Steve and says he'd understand if she cancels lunch. But I wouldn't understand, AJ!
Tracy is disgruntled and horrified by having to associate with Spinelli in her scheme for the Pickle Lila recipe. Spinelli has failed at his task so far.
Speaking of Pickle Lila, Starr and Ellie are trying to solve this mystery, too. Well, Ellie is trying to solve it; Starr is reading a Sun article about her father accompanied by the blaring headline "Teflon Todd Trial Today", which is pretty good, but it doesn't really rank in comparison to some of the wordplay the Daily News and the Post come up with.
At the Metro Court, Carly is reading the same newspaper and puts it down in disgust when she's greeted by Michael and junk food in the form of faux Cheez-Its. Michael says he thought she'd want to eat her feelings today, but Carly plays dumb. "What? Today? Hmm?"
Teflon Todd and Diane stalk into court surrounded by a mob of reporters who shout stupid questions about him and shove microphones in his face. Diane stridently (a descriptor I probably didn't need, because does she speak any other way?) says her client has no comment, but Todd does. And prepare yourself--you're going to cringe. Hard.
Todd: I do have something to say to Carly Jacks.
Kate and Sonny are in bed. She flashes back to the feud she had with...well, with Connie, because there is nothing soapier than flashbacks to things that happened 24 hours ago (it's one of those uniquely soap things that I could really do without). She nuzzles up to Sonny, who is thrilled that she's still here "after everything". Like boning Connie? He seems momentarily annoyed that she'd bring that up and tries to evade what, in his defense, is a terribly uncomfortable conversation by thanking her for listening. She says she doesn't want to bury all of this and asks if he had real feelings for Connie to which he sputters for a while and saves, suavely, by saying he's happy now and flashing his dimples. They smile together over Connie being gone (which means that by the end of this hour, Kate will be revealed to be Connie and I will punch myself in the face) and Kate asks Sonny to tell her he loves her. He does: "I love you, Kate. And I want to spend the rest of my life proving that to you".
Liz shares, through sniffles, that she had to say goodbye to Steve because he's going to prison in Memphis. I think she's laying it on a little thick, because shared DNA or not, nobody cares that much about Steve. Tears? Really Liz? Please.
Q Mansion: Tracy snarls at Spinelli and then pushes him to the ground when AJ enters with a pleasant "Oh, Auntie!" The exchange hate-filled words. After AJ leaves, Spinelli says "Quartermaine snark never disappoints". Please don't try to butter me up, Spinelli. Tracy yells a lot and Spinelli shares that he's learned that Michael and AJ have employed a lab technician.
Tracy: All you have to do is snatch it from some pasty, beady-eyed lab rat.
Spinelli: "Pasty" is a little bit harsh. She is fair.
Okay, ha. Like, an actual ha, out loud.
At the hospital, Starr is recapping her father's various criminal escapades to Ellie, who sweetly refers to them as "adventures". Starr expresses love for her father and worries that his luck might have finally run out. Ellie offers to finish the analysis by herself in case Starr wants to actually go see her father in court.
At the Metro, Carly is still playing dumb about Todd's trial and says she's so totally over Todd. Michael says Starr also has some complicated issues with Todd, and Carly rambles for a while about how Todd WANTS to be a better person, and after about an hour of that (approximately), cuts herself off and wonders why she's even talking about that and Michael theorizes that she's in love with the guy. She makes a face like, "Sooo not"...
...which is followed up with Todd declaring in front of television cameras that HE loves HER and it's so juvenile and ridiculous that I actually want to shriek in discomfort.
Todd: I love you. We belong together and I don't know how, but I'm going to make that happen.
UGH. All of this is terrible: Todd so brazenly declaring his love for this woman that he's known for all of a few months and saying they belong together. That woman in question being CARLY, who I think is wonderful as a soap character but is an absolute disaster as a romantic partner, and I can't help but think that any person with even an iota of sense would run the other way from her and the complex mental issues she brings to the table. Also, both of these people are ADULTS. In their late 30s if not 40s (soap ages are so weird). I CANNOT STOP CRINGING.
Inside the court room, Diane shares that Johnny wouldn't agree to calling off his associates and Todd starts to get a little terrified. The judge helpfully informs us that Todd agreed to a bench trial and I'm sorry, where is Sam? Shouldn't she have been hanging out amongst the reporters waiting for an opportunity to scream at Todd for completely ruining her life? Shouldn't she be just as obsessed with his court case as Starr and Carly? Anyway, the prosecution (in the form of a very serious man who speaks in a monotone) calls Heather Webber to the stand and Todd just about passes out.
After another roll in the hay, Kate lets out a contented sigh, which is gross. Sonny offers her one of his "world famous" breakfasts, and I started to take issue with that term, but then I realized that with the number of women Sonny has slept with, it's probably a fair assessment.
"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told your father," Carly says to Michael, because burdening your young son and ex-husband with immature rambling about your romantic life is a perfectly normal thing to do. She says she'll NEVER take Todd back. Like, ever.
I'm sorry that that Taylor Swift song is now in your head.
Heather takes the stand after a long and stilted introduction by the prosecutor, who says that she's a pretty awesome witness despite the whole "comitted to a hospital for the criminally insane" thing.
Starr pretends that she's totally unconcerned with her father's trial and she and Ellie continue to work on the great relish experiment of 2013. There's a lot of giggling. Ellie is left-handed! I might have known that, but it's all I want to pay attention to in this scene. I love seeing fellow lefties out and about.
Spinelli tells Tracy that because of his relationship with Ellie, he obviously can't steal the relish recipe from her. Snark on the Trout name and heartfelt pleas from Spinelli follow.
Hospital: Sabrina admires Steve for owning up to what he did, because she is so pure and gracious and wonderful. Liz says that Steve is done with all the lying and somehow--seriously, I watched this scene at least five times and I still have no idea how it turned into this--this segues into Liz encouraging Sabrina to be honest with her feelings for Patrick. "My life is in shambles, but don't worry about that! Tell me more about the outfit you dream Patrick will wear on your first date? Will he hold your hand while you walk down the street with ice cream cones, or is that too forward?" Sabrina, to her credit, says she's a little more interested in the results of her exam, but since she can't find Epiphany anywhere, Liz said she should take this time to call Patrick and let him know about her feelings. Huh? Sabrina says she can't, because they are friends now and she doesn't want to lose their friendship in case he doesn't like her back, because then who will she walk to the bus with after school?
Michael wonders if his mother is talking herself out of having feelings for Todd and she says that as Michael is her witness, her life is now a loser-free zone. And then in walks AJ, which is just rude!
Todd worries that Heather made a deal with the prosecution. There is some very tense music happening right now, and I think we're supposed to think that there is a chance Heather will rat Todd out and that he will go to jail, but I think we've all watched television long enough to know that there is no chance of either of those things happening, so the music department can calm it down a little.
Sonny's! He finds the grisly remnants of the Kate/Connie fight and violently smashes a piece of already broken glass, which seems like overkill, and shouts that somebody smashed his mirror. Oh, good job, Sonny! You got something right!
Spinelli tries to explain to Tracy that he betrayed Ellie once already but since she's horrified at the sight of him sitting on her furniture, you can imagine that she's less than sympathetic to his plight.
Relish taste test in the hospital lab! Yum, delicious, etc. Their relish is missing a certain something. Something "ethereal", Starr says. That's not what that word means, but moving on.
AJ is delighted to see his happy family at the Metro Court and pulls up a chair to join them.
AJ: You and me, and baby makes three!
Hee! They spar some more and AJ makes a nice reference to all the times Carly has tried to forcibly push him off the wagon and Michael implores his parents to both grow up a little bit. He says he wants them both in his life but refuses to take sides. AJ apologizes and Carly immediately apologizes, too, determined to not let AJ have the upper hand for even eight seconds. Michael asks AJ to come to the hospital to follow up with Ellie, but AJ wants to stick around and talk to Carly. Michael warns them to play nice, which lasts for even LESS than eight seconds. They start arguing loudly, Carly calls him self-serving, which is a really outrageous pot-kettle-black situation, and looks at him like he's a particularly disgusting medical specimen. He asks if she knows anything about the Quartermaine mystery heir.
Liz checks her voicemail and she and Sabrina have some smiley girl talk. Liz said she needs to remember how AJ used to be and the conversation springs back to Steven and how his mom stabbed him, because that is how people talk: with absolutely no rhyme or reason. I'm not being sarcastic--that's exactly how I have conversations with people, jumping from point to point and going back to a tangent we'd gone on three weeks ago. Anyway, because the show needs a clever set-up for Heather on the witness stand, Sabrina asks what kind of a mother would attack her own son and Liz, with some prime bitchface, says "A crazy one".
Monotone prosecutor asks if Todd and Heather conspired during the baby switch, but Heather totally covers for him and takes full responsibility for the entire ordeal. What a shocking plot twist! Monotone prosecutor is disgusted by the performance of his star witness, but not disgusted enough to, I don't know, ask her follow up questions or try to catch her in a lie. He's only disgusted enough to glare at her and snap that he has no further questions. Diane, wearing a particularly ugly ensemble that combines an unnecessarily complicated jacket with a dress made from fabric last seen on the couch in a posh hotel in 1985, has no questions for Heather, who winks at Todd and exits. The prosecution calls Pete Fillmore, who works for Johnny, and the judge waits less than ten seconds before angrily declaring that the witness is a no-show. Todd starts to celebrate and then, to the surprise of no one, Johnny's pal strolls in. With an angry Sam hot on his heels! No, that's not what happened. What happened was another minute of Todd worrying that he'll go to prison, as if that's a thing that would possibly happen.
Liz and Sabrina talk about AJ some more. Liz is conflicted and for some reason, seeks Sabrina's guidance, because who best to give romantic advice than a woman with the world experience of your typical nursery schooler?! Sabrina says, as though she's had an adult relationship with another human being and isn't merely quoting the lines she has her Barbies say to each othe, "There's always a risk in getting close with someone. The question is, is AJ worth it?"
Metro: Carly gets in a good line at the surprising fertility of the Quartermaine clan and AJ explains that Tracy will never let the loss of ELQ go and he wants a backup plan. You know, for Michael. AJ gets a text and tells Carly to shut it, complete with a hilarious full-handed shush. It turns out that he'll need dinner reservations at 7, because he has a date! He gets adorably protective when Carly wonders what "skank" would willingly spend time with him and gets all bashful when he tells her that his date is with Elizabeth Webber. Carly may feel a potent combination of loathing and jealousy when it comes to Liz, but she hates AJ more and wonders what on earth Liz is thinking.
Tracy and Spinelli: long story short, Tracy is Spinelli's landlord and will evict him in a hot second if he doesn't get her the relish formula.
At the lab: Starr exits to call Michael, who is actually there, and they kiss. She gives him a relish update and he asks if she'd maybe like to go to the trial. She blank stares.
Trial: "May as well cuff me now," Todd declares as Johnny's goon begins to testify. "HANDCUFFS AREN'T HALF OF WHAT YOU DESERVE" an enraged Sam screams as she interrupts the proceedings. No, that didn't happen. What happened was that the goon talked for a long time and said Todd had nothing to do with the baby switch and Monotone Prosecutor once again loses control of a witness and ends with the same exact "No further questions" that he did when Heather ruined the first half of his case. I think they might have actually brought in a robot to play this part. Diane asks if the charges can be dismissed and Todd smiles what is possibly the smuggest smile I've seen in some time.
Sonny is disgusted by the broken mirror, because he's the only person allowed to violently abuse glassware in his home. Kate, after ANOTHER flashback to the fight she had with herself, lies and says she has no idea what happened. She wonders if Sonny heard anything last night--and he didn't, because he sleeps so soundly that the obnoxious screaming of a mentally unwell woman AND the sound of shattering glass aren't enough to wake him. He says that nobody broke in because nothing is stolen and Kate jokes that Max and Milo are clumsy enough to have done it, but Sonny thinks that they're not so oafish that they'd break something and not clean it up. Then they joke about Sonny's seven years of bad luck and when they get all gushy and start to kiss I begin to believe that I'M actually the one with the bad luck here.
World famous breakfast time! Egg white omelettes and fresh squeezed orange juice. Don't ruin omelettes for me, show. Kate toasts to the end of Connie and they smile brightly about how she's gone forever and ohmigod, Kate is totally Connie and this story will NEVER BE OVER and the show will have to continue to add thousands of dollars a year to their budget just to cover all of the mirrors they will need to destroy every time these two personalities fight with each other.
Starr and Michael. They talk about complicated fathers and he offers to go to court with her.
Spinelli goes to see Ellie who is SO excited to have almost solved the mystery that it breaks my heart a little bit. Since when are my heartstrings tugged by relish? She's so happy to see Spinelli and has him taste the relish and it's all much sadder than you thought a story about pickles would be.
Liz and Sabrina continue to gab, and when Sabrina says that no matter how things turn out, it's important that Liz at least tries, Liz almost bugs her eyeballs clear out of her head at Sabrina's lack of self awareness and tells Sabrina that she has to tell Patrick the truth about how she feels.
Metro Court: Carly mocks AJ and then drops some truth on him.
Carly: The part of Elizabeth's heart that doesn't belong to Lucky, well it belongs to Jason. So there you go, don't say I didn't warn you.
"Enjoy dying alone" was heavily implied at the end of that sentence.
AJ points out that Carly's love life is also an abyss of failure and misery, and says he has a better shot at a relationship with Liz than Carly does with Todd, who he refers to as "This", which he accompanies with an overexaggerated "EUGH" that tickles me.
Courtoom: Diane asks that the charges against Todd be dropped. "OVER MY DEAD BODY" Sam does not say, because she is not there.
Sonny and Kate talk treatment, and Kate says she'll get a referral to a psychiatrist just as soon as she runs her errands, and as soon as Sonny goes upstairs, she steals a piece of bacon from his plate and is in the middle of staring evilly at a piece of broken glass when she hears an annoying buzzing in her ear. The annoying buzz is KATE from INSIDE THE BROKEN MIRROR begging Connie to let her out. I AM PUNCHING MYSELF IN THE FACE AS WE SPEAK, HOLD ON ONE SECOND. Connie taunts Kate and dramatically declares that Sonny is going to pay for cheating on her with...her.
I hate things.
Liz is still encouraging Sabrina to tell Patrick that she likes him and almost jumps up and down with glee when Sabrina agrees to call him. What happens next is the most uncomfortable one-sided phone conversation I've witnessed since 1996, when I was part of a similar phone conversation with a boy I had a crush on. She has something important to tell him! Liz watches all of this with such glee that I am slowly becoming convinced that maybe she's secretly plotting AGAINST Sabrina and wants her to humiliate herself in new and embarrassing ways because I can't comprehend anybody genuinely thinking this is a good idea.
AJ goes to visit Ellie at the lab and when she tries to tell him the secret ingredient, she realizes that she can't. Because her notes are gone. As in stolen...
...by Spinelli. Who is TERRIBLE. GOD, everything about him is loathsome.
Starr and Michael burst into the courtroom and find...nobody there except for Diane. Who informs them that the charges have been dropped. And where's Todd? "Probably at General Hospital receiving treatment for the vicious assault he suffered at the hands of Sam McCall," Diane does not say because Sam did not factor into this at all and she instead blathers something about Todd going off to rebuild his broken life.
Metro Court: Carly is a sad panda. A sad panda watching Todd's heartfelt and terrible declaration of love. And wouldn't you know it, Todd walks in at that very moment and they share a very meaningful look.
And with that, it's the weekend! Happy Friday, all!