All My (New and Returning and Rapidly Aged) Children
The most ridiculous part of my day was not the sheer and utter GLEE I had at the return of All My Children and the way I actually squealed when the show opened with Brooke and Adam, because none of that is ridiculous at all. It's expected: Chandlers and Hubbards and Cortlandts are back in our lives. The only reaction a person should be having is GLEE.
No, the most ridiculous part of my day was looking at the AMC/OLTL Premiere note I had written in my planner, as if I actually needed a reminder. I have an impeccable memory to start with so I almost definitely wouldn't have forgotten it and also, it's kind of a huge deal that I've been talking about incessantly for weeks to anyone who would listen and by "would" I mean, "was in close quarters in which escape wasn't an option". So why I felt the need to write myself a note is a little beyond me, unless Early-April Mallory just wanted to leave it there as a treat so that Mid and Late-April Mallory could get all flaily everytime she noticed it.
I'm not even going to pretend like I have the presence of mind to write this in any sort of coherent way--planning and structure is just too hard to do when you're clapping constantly. What you're going to get is a list of thoughts. Many, many thoughts. Probably more thoughts than you thought possible to get out of a 27 minute long show and they may not even make much sense, on account of the aforementioned clapping. How's that for an enticing opening?! I can almost hear you all exiting your browsers.
**Opening with Brooke (still suffering from PTSD symptoms from the event at her engagement party, which is only alluded to, making it very mysterious and intriguing) and Adam (who is just the greatest. He's been absent from our lives for so long and has returned even more charming than he left it!) was just a genius move.
Who better to be the center of this show than Adam and Brooke? Nobody and if you have any suggestions, I don't want to hear them because they are wrong (I kid. Actually, I don't kid, but because fair is fair, I promise to at least listen to your wrong suggestions). They're engaged again! It was delightful.
**Dixie can weep all she wants and Opal can mournfully talk about Tad being "gone", but I refuse to believe that he's dead. Sorry, can't do it, won't do it. The man is in a coma, you guys.
**Speaking of Opal, I'm so glad she still dresses so...colorfully.
**AJ is a little terrible, isn't he? I know it's wrong to rush to judgment and that the kid was only oncsreen for like eight minutes and I should give people chances, but I've never been one to let reason and fairness get in the way of making snap judgements. Something about the overly dramatic way he was snarking on everyone to let go of the past in a strident tone straight out of an afterschool special made me raise an eyebrow in distaste.
AJ: It was five years ago! The only way to deal is to move on!
AJ, like this is all anyone has talked about for the past five years which I'm sure is what it feels like to him but we literally just heard him have a conversation about normal high school angst, so...: Can we let it go, people! It happened, it's over. We need to move on!
I get that it must be very difficult for him to deal with the fallout from the MYSTERIOUS NIGHT OF THE PARTY since his father was responsible for whatever happened that MYSTERIOUS NIGHT OF THE PARTY but put your manners back in, kid! Although it's fitting, I guess, that he'd be so annoying. He IS the child of two walking personality disorders.
**Miranda, on the other hand, is just perfect. She's exactly what I imagine Bianca's daughter (and Erica's daughter's daughter!) to be like.
**Gosh, Jesse and Angie are just too swoon worthy, aren't they? All flirtatious and bantering and hot.
I'm excited to see where this "Cassandra in peril" story goes, and not just because it is what's bringing Zach bach. Okay, mostly because it's bringing Zach back and also because I'd watch Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams sit on a couch recapping their trips to the grocery store.
**They really ARE having fun with no network censors, aren't they? Four-letter words, the repeated use of the phrase "vagitarian" and some pretty steamy sex fantasies, all in the premiere episode.
**I had a moment of sheer panic that the actor playing Petey--sorry, Pete!--was incredibly and appallingly young and then I felt like a sex predator, but word on the street is that he's 24, which...I was going to say some variation of "do-able" or "I can work with that" and then I felt dirty, because that's still quite young, but! He's very, very pretty.
**The insta-love between him and teacher Celia could not have been handled with less finesse. A meet cute should not include a woman eating an apple off the ground. No, that happened--she became so clumsy and flustered after meeting Pete, which I sort of understand but STILL, that she just randomly chomped into an apple that she had dropped on the ground.
Okay. Sure, people do that. Yup.
**I love soapy editing.
Griffin, who I hope might actually get a personality this time around: David's buried behind bars for manslaughter. He's not getting out for a long, long time.
Literally milliseconds later, David strolls the hell out of prison and enjoys the feel of sunshine on his skin for a very long time which I suppose is the kind of realistic reaction a recently released prisoner would have but which made me laugh because everything David Hayward does makes me laugh, like the single tear he cried while visiting someone's grave. A SINGLE TEAR and then angry grave-talking. Vincent Irizarry, what did we all do without you for so long?!
**Was David's cab driven by Tommy Lee Jones?
Overall, I REALLY enjoyed it. The casting, for the most part, was quite good and the half hour running time really made things zip along (does anyone else think sitting down for General Hospital is going to feel like suuuuuuch a slog now?) and they dangled enough intriguing hints that I'm curious about what is going to happen next--and what happened five years ago..