Return of the Goddess (and I Don't Mean Katie Couric)
Because that's what Robin Mattson is.
All right, let's do this thing as we go, shall we?
Spinelli goes to see Heather in the crazy lady hospital.
Welcome back, Heather.
Felix gives Sabrina a hard time for ruining his makeover by pulling her hair back for work. You know, her job at the hospital. As a nurse. I'm going with, "Yes. Pull your hair back." He has actually referred to having turned her into Cinderella. I'm glad they spelled it out because thus far it sure had been subtle.
Britt tells Patrick she's aborting her baby which, based on that bump, is about two months from birth. So yeah, that makes sense?
Nik is talking on the phone to Spencer. I wonder if a SORAS'ed Spencer will return soon in the form of Michael Easton. Oh, and Katie Couric is Nik's doctor today.
Lulu still hasn't seen "any of you people" in her life.
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? (Confession: I totally love soap amnesia!)
Konnie is at Sonny's door. She's been released from treatment. Oh I like her little outfit!
He asks if she's Kate or Connie, which.... isn't how integration works, but okay. It's Soap D.I.D., so we just get to do what we're told.
Ads. Something about some stupid reality diving show. I'm never going to understand this.
Tracy is trying to get Shawn to carry PickleLila at Kelly's. So Shawn is Sonny's enforcer and still the manager of Kelly's? He's not interested, so she thinks Wyndham's will jump at the chance. Wyndham's!
Konnie wants to know if Sonny was hoping she was Kate or Connie.
Lulu continues to ask people who they are. She insists that Stavros Cassadine is her hubby.
Felix does a rather hilarious routine mocking how Britt will try to trap Patrick with her pregnancy (Marc Anthony Samuel is awesome and I really hope Felix gets more story soon beyond "I Celebrate Sabrina!" because he needs it).
Anyway, Sabrina totally agrees that Britt got pregnant on purpose to tie Patrick to her (no mention of how Patrick voluntary rode bareback with Britt in the shower at work DESPITE HIS BEING THE WIDOWER OF AN HIV-POSITIVE WOMAN but whatevs, apparently Britt did it all on her own or maybe Sabrina hasn't had Sex Ed yet in her health classes) (and yes, we know Britt is a baddie and quite possibly did some sort of OB-GYN voodoo to make this happen, but I'm talking in the context of what the characters know).
Patrick is not big on the abortion plan, and questions Britt's sincerity about it since she made such a big show of announcing the pregnancy.
AJ and Tracy bicker and remind the audience that Franco's daughter is still out there somewhere and that Spinelli is on the case.
Dr. Kelly Curtis (aka Katie Couric) kind of flirts with Nikolas and seems way impressed that her patient is a prince.
Lulu's loved ones try to talk some sense into her, but she doesn't remember anything.
All Sonny ever wanted was for Konnie to be healthy and happy. But she's not happy.
And she tells Sonny she is neither Kate nor Connie.
Felix wants to know what Sabrina is waiting for and suggests that she and Patrick should hit the sheets right away. (See above, Felix. What would she do? She squealed and jumped up and down with you guys over a kiss.)
Britt explains to Patrick that she doesn't want to be a mother if it doesn't include the full nuclear family. She seems like an Ozzie and Harriet kind of dreamer, doesn't she?
Heather is grumpy about Sam not having delivered that letter to Steven Lars, and therefore is not interested in helping Sam's business partner with anything. Heather calls Spinelli out on a few more of his "betrayals" of her and then asks after Luke. She feels a little sheepish about having tried to kill "that limey broad" since Luke and Anna actually didn't last very long at all. Apparently it was a real "time thief." I LOVE YOU HEATHER WEBBER. Spinelli lies that Luke is busy with Tracy Quartermaine. Heather doesn't buy it, but Spinelli assures her a romantic reunion is imminent and the only way Heather can stop it is by filling Spinelli in about Franco's kid.
Dr. Curtis asks Nik a bunch more really personal questions about his family scandals and Epiphany pops in to read her the riot act.
Dante's trying to convince Lulu to remember their love and Laura wisely comes in and suggests they ease off a bit because Lulu is obviously frightened. Dante is pissy about this idea and is already concerned that Lulu may never remember any of them.
Konnie explains that she's actually both Kate and Connie because that is how integration works. Yay! And so she's chosen to go by her given name (Connie). Hurrah, hurrah! She explains that she has to live with the good and bad and all of the memories of both Kate and Connie, but she also has to live without Sonny.
Britt knows what it's like to grow up with a father (well, Britt, evil as your mother is? Still probably better off without Pappy Faison) and doesn't want to put her child through that.
Or at least that's what she tells Patrick.
Connie is afraid that being with Sonny is too risky and puts her in danger of a relapse.
Luke insists that no Cassadine ever got the better of a Spencer which is a way overly-positive spin on some of the shit that's gone down over the years. Lulu expresses dismay at her given name. Laura tells her the background of her name and is just being an awesome maternal machine right now.
Heather claims to be unaware that Franco had a daughter. She is also concerned that her human rights are being violated. Spinelli appeals to Heather's pride in her depth of knowledge about Franco.
AJ and Tracy continue to bicker, and he refers to her as his "great aunt." Huh? Was that a script slip-up or an actor slip-up? She's just his plain old aunt! (Well, nothing "plain" about Tracy Quartermaine, but you know what I mean!) He asks her to step aside gracefully, and she tells him that he wins and that ELQ is his. She wants to start her own company. TAQ! And then it'll be so awesome that eventually AJ will be lucky to get a job dressed as a hot dog. (Please do not remind me of ABC soap characters with jobs dressed as hot dogs! Please!)
Heather starts to be swayed over to Spinelli's argument that it's in her best interest to help him.
Britt tells Patrick she's getting the abortion, it's a done deal. "Congratulations! You're free!"
Connie tells Sonny she can't ever be with him again. She asks him to understand, but he doesn't want to. He starts going into yell-y mode and apologizes. Anyway I already really like Integrated Connie so much more than Kate or Alter Connie.
Anyway, "Dr. Curtis" is really just a reporter trying to get information.
Epiphany kicks her out so that she can give Nikolas a sponge bath, the idea of which naturally makes her chuckle.
Luke tells Lulu that Stavros is dead (though nobody's bothered to check, naturally!). She's terrified and they ask her to let them take her home.
Patrick tells Sabrina about Britt's abortion announcement.
Felix needles Britt and Britt points out that the doctors and nurses should really have different changing rooms. That's the primary problem with the GH changing rooms??!! That they aren't separated by caste?
AJ tells Tracy he'll get an injunction against her use of the name PickleLila, and she acknowledges that ELQ owns the rights to the name -- but she owns the rights to the recipe and everything else, so she'll just call it something new.
Heather tells Spinelli she needs him to do something for her. She needs him to take a letter to Steven Lars -- which makes Spinelli look hilariously miserable until Heather starts laughing that she was just messing with him.
OH MY GOD HEATHER WEBBER I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOREVER. She tells him if he comes closer she'll tell him all about Lauren Frank.
Lulu doesn't want to go with Laura and Luke and Dante because she doesn't know them and thinks Stavros is her husband. Luke tells her the rest of the Cassadines will actually want her out of the way so she should come with them. "When you put it that way," she says, and goes with them. Seriously? That was easy!
Connie apologizes to Sonny and tries to say goodbye. He tries to kiss her, but she stops him and just gives him a kiss on the cheek and leaves. SONNY SAD FACE.
And there we are. Huh. Pretty good episode! I figured with soap amnesia and the presence of Sabrina I'd churn out a regular SnarkFest but I will not complain about a solid episode and am never disappointed when I in fact do not fly into irrational rages about a soap opera. It's that kind of week.
Stay safe, everyone, and enjoy our favorite form of escapism!