All My Profound Thanks
I promise* that I will soon stop making "All My..." jokes. It just feels so good to be able to make them again and have them be relevant! And the truth of the matter is that I really do have so many reasons to be thankful for All My Children, like how it's back in my life, for starters, but also for the half hour long running time that means episodes zip by breezily and I don't even have the chance to be bored and for Lindsay Hartley's shiny shiny hair and so on and so forth.
So I am grateful for a lot of Pine Valley related things, but today nothing even comes close to my gratefulness for David Hayward just existing and for Vincent Irizarry's classic soap acting. His monologue at a comatose (and also SORASed? I know that the new JR is roughly the same age as Jacob Young, but the latter had such a baby face that it makes the former look like a contemporary of Dixie's, not her son) JR was all sorts of amazing because it contained a lot of emoting and also really stilted explanations of what happened at the Chandler Mansion five years ago/the day of the ABC finale.
David: Hello, JR. It's me, your old friend David.
Your neurological responses are surprisingly good. No wonder they haven't pulled the plug. "Pulled the plug". Such an evocative expression, don't you think? It sounds so simple, but it really isn't, because to actually pull the plug, one would really want to turn this machine off. See, the first thing one would do would be to silence the alarms--like this [At this point, obviously, David proceeds to turn the machines off very dramatically] And then again like this [Another machine, off]. And then of course there's the circuit breaker, which helps the machine switch up into the backup battery if need be. [Chuckles. And you know how I know he chuckles? Because he enunciates every single "Heh" in "Heh, heh, heh" and also because the closed captioning says so].
I may have tried to end your miserable life five years ago. From the look of things, it's much better than I ever could have hoped for. Yeah, that's right. Because you're in jail now, just as much as I was. The only difference is I'm a free man and where you are must be much worse. You don't deserve any better, JR. Not after what you took away from me [What was taken away from him was Marissa. And while it's utterly tragic that the man lost ANOTHER one of his children, I think we can all agree that Marissa was lame at best and it's upsetting to see Bianca still so deep in grief for someone who has no real personality that I can remember]. Even death would be a reprieve for you, so enjoy your living hell, JR. I hope you never leave it.
David: Who were you really out to kill that night? Did you even know? And what would have happened if I hadn't seen you peeking out from the tunnels and made my way to get behind you and try to stop you? [This, OBVIOUSLY, was accompanied by a flashback of this very event shaking out]. When I saw her lying there, I almost put the gun to my own head [ANOTHER FLASHBACK where you could actually see him talk himself out of suicide]
I mean, really. Amazing, right? It was both a clumsy way to explain a huge, confusing, offscreen situation and it was also SO SOAPY. And his horror when JR's fingers started to move? I laughed out loud and looked at my clock impatiently to see just how many hours I'd have to wait for a new episode.