If you've been fortunate enough to have missed any of General Hospital this week and have no idea what's going on, your luck's about to run out because I'm going to quickly recap (because if I have to suffer, we all should!): rather than bring Roger Howarth back as literally any other character in General Hospital history or in the imaginations of the writing staff (LITERALLY any other character. ANY ONE. Steven Webber. Tom Hardy, the fictional doctor. Tom Hardy, a fictionalized version of the British actor. Casey the Alien. Casey The Alien's cousin Pacey. Serena Baldwin. ANY ONE!), the decision was made to bring him back as Franco, daytime's most popular genius artist/serial murderer whose stint on this show amounted to a bulleted list of completely criminal and unforgivable misdeeds mixed with embarrassing performance art and a vibe of deeply uncomfortable weirdness.
I know what you're thinking: "Mallory, are you having a fever dream. Because every word you just typed is pretty ludicrous". I totally agree with you.
And I know what you're thinking now, too (I'm slightly psychic): "But...he was so terrible and there's absolutely no way to redeem him, so bringing him back and trying to make him a viable character is--" Is kind of impossible? Is that how you were going to end that sentence? I know, it seems like it's kind of impossible. I was worried about that, too; how on earth do you expect a character to stick around town when he's drugged people arranged rapes and faked rapes and kidnapped babies and basically sexually harassed Jason whenever he got the chance and also MURDERED A LOT OF PEOPLE?
Well, the writers have thought of that: a lot of it never happened. Franco just made people think that it happened and he totally has proof, you guys! He has DVD evidence! Let's all watch the DVDs, which all include a musical break in which Franco performs Shaggy's "It Wasn't Me" and okay, that didn't actually happen (but you know James Franco's Franco TOTALLY would have taken it there in spoken word form). Yeah, that song popped in my head when Franco popped open his first DVD and now it is stuck in there on an endless loop. I hope you're happy, Ron Carlivati. You have me singing Shaggy.
Franco: I don't mean to hurt you. Just trying to hurt Jason because he rejected me. You're safe, you know. Not gonna touch you. But Jason will always wonder if I have. I'm so sorry. I didn't rape you. But I am so sorry that I let you think that I had.
Carter: Okay, I got it.
Franco: No, you don't got it. You don't got it, Carter. You don't got it.
Carter: You just told me to do a number on this kid.
Franco: That was solely for my brother's benefit. I'm making this so that I can torture Jason. The goal is to hurt Jason. Never Michael. NEVER Michael. Do you understand? Say that you understand.
Carter: I understand.
Franco: You don't touch Michael. Just the opposite. You do everything you can to protect Michael.
Bygones to infinity! Not only is he NOT a rape procurer, he is a kind-hearted person who doesn't want to see anything bad happen to Michael! All misdeeds forgiven! Even the murders, because you know there are probably DVDs of him clearly trying to prevent all of the murders he committed but he keeps getting hampered by some guy in a mask, like a villain on Scooby do. Let's decide who we'd like to see him couple up with, amirite?