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« The 2013 Daytime Emmy Awards Live Blogging Extravaganza | Main | In The Worst Way »

June 18, 2013

A Cacophony of Awful


I can honestly say that today's episode of General Hospital didn't bore me. Wait, no I can't--I had forgotten, probably from boredom, about the ongoing Molly/Rafe/TJ/Taylor quadrangle, which is completely uninteresting. I don't mind a teen story in theory, but Molly and Rafe's instant connection has always driven me mildly nutty, or at least as nutty as something this dull can drive a person which isn't very and is more along the lines of "I can see how that would bother somebody who cares more than I do", and now Taylor is all of a sudden all about TJ after a whopping two seconds? If something doesn't work the first time, I guess we can keep doing it repeatedly with no tweaks.

But aside from THAT, I wasn't bored. Mostly because when my mind did wander, it wandered to thinking of how I could best and most hilariously describe the utter badness that was abounding. When Sonny was reaming Carly out for having terrible plans that ruin peoples lives because he is suffering from amnesia and thinks it's 1997 again and that this layer of Carly's character was new and shocking ("You made a bad situation worse!" he shouted like it was a scathing indictment and not a testimonial on her business card) and Maurice Benard looked like he was pretty blatantly reading off of cue cards, I started brainstorming. "Is it too much alliteration to have Sonny and shout and scream and spittle in the same sentence? Probably".

Really, though, that confrontation was just...not very good.

Carly: What are you doing here?
Sonny: Like I told you, Olivia dies, you die.
Carly, like she was asking if she shrunk someone's sweater: Did Olivia die?
Sonny: (Raises his gun)
Carly: My god, Sonny, Olivia can't be dead. I'm so sorry.
Sonny, turning the volume up to eleven: SAVE IT! SHE'S NOT DEAD! She isn't doing any better!
Carly: What are you doing?
Sonny: I just wanted you to know how serious I was and what's going to happen to you if she dies.

For some reason, he punctuated about every other word by dramatically poking his chest for emphasis. I don't know if he was trying to remind her of who he meant when he said "I" or what, but the guy was probably bruised when he left the set that day.

Carly: Okay, you're serious. Now get out.
Sonny: DON'T GIVE ME ORDERS! I give the orders! Me! You have any idea how much pain you've caused? How much trouble and chaos?
Carly: I know, I know. Olivia's fighting for her life. I know.
Sonny: Not just Olivia! Her son! What about my son? Dante's in the hospital praying to god right now that his mother doesn't die!

"How can I bring this back to me and my victimization? Oh, right, the kid!" Shut it, Sonny--I also loved when he told Dante that Olivia's always been his "lifeline", because everything is about Sonny. I bet he's one of those people who attaches himself to national tragedies. "Oh, man, something bad happened in Alaska? I LOVE Alaska! This is really getting to me!"

Sonny: You went behind my [He actually said "mah", but I think he meant my] back and look what happened, Olivia's fighting for her life. [Overcome by rage and absolutely hoarse by the time he finishes the sentence which, to be fair, took about six full minutes]FRANCO IS STILL ALIVE! HE KNOWS THE HIT WAS MEANT FOR HIM AND WE PLANNED IT!

Sonny, getting louder with every syllable: How long before that son of a bitch Franco [long, uncomfortable silence] talks? He's just waiting to use it against us, Carly [at this point, breaking the sound barrier]!


But Sonny's not the only one getting all-caps angry! Morgan and Kiki are both SUPER MAD, too!

Morgan, because people at the Quartermaine mansion were talking all at once and he was like "Um, there is no way I can follow all of this and why are you using such big words?!" interrupting with a loud and obnoxious "EVERYONE JUST BACK OFF!" that made everyone, well, back off and probably silently fantasize about punching him in his stupid face.

The anger turned to whining really quickly when he found out that Michael was raped. That part bothered him, but what was really bothersome is that Kiki knew about it before Morgan did. Priorities! But, to be fair, it was a very Sonny reaction.

Oh, and Kiki got all enraged because of her father's part in Michael's rape and because someone decided it's never too early to start padding Kristen Alderson's Emmy reel for 2014. I'm not saying that the following was Emmy worthy--I'm saying that someone told her to ACT and she did! Or at least she tried to. She probably went home very sore because she contorted all of the muscles she has above the shoulders. She was jutting her chin out and wildly craning her neck and bugging her eyes out and screaming super loudly.

Kiki: You're the reason why all that happened to him! [...] It's not okay! [At the top of her lungs] UGH! It's making me sick to my stomach! Don't touch me! I don't understand! Don't call me Kiki, either!

It will probably not surprise you to learn that she gestured crazily during all of that.

Roger Howarth didn't want to be left out of the overacting club, either! I think he must have studied James Franco's GH scenes in order to best capture some of the Franco tics and if that is the case, I pray for him because I can only imagine how horrible such a marathon was. But it worked! Because I've been complaining that he doesn't seem very Franco, but at the very end of today's show, he totally did.

Franco: Can I ask you something? Michael's Jason's nephew, but he's named after Sonny. You're Sonny's son, but you're named after Jason. Don't you think that's a little weird?
AJ, seeming like an uncomfortable middle school field trip chaperone: How's it going in here?
Franco: It's going great, great.

Franco: Your parents want me dead. You know that, right?
Morgan: Do you blame them?
Franco: Not really. AJ can't either, can you big brother?

Franco then did something that I can only describe as "laughing wildly, sticking his tongue out and jumping up and down" which was weird and horrifying to watch, but also totally Franco.

Oh! Sean Blackmore also went to town today. "Remember when you guys all made fun of my Daytime Emmy nomination? THE JOKE'S ON YOU, I CAN YELL LOUDLY AND DRAMATICALLY, TOO!" Alexis was less than happy to hear about Shawn's role in the most botched hit of all time and Shawn was more than happy to turn the tables on her and make the discussion about her hypocrisy instead of his own misdeeds.

Alexis: I don't commit murder on [Sonny's] behalf.
Shawn: Oh, no. No, no, no. You just cover it up.
Alexis: Are you really going to turn this around on me now?
Shawn: So you don't bend the law to make sure he walks?

Shawn: Part of you wants to [turn him into the cops].
Alexis: Yes.
Shawn: Because I'm a killer. Well, so are you.

Shawn: You hit [Kiefer] and you left him lying on the road. The boy may have lived if you called the ambulance. No, no, no. You didn't and he died. So how are you going to sit there and judge me? We're not all that different, are we?

So much laryngitis must have gone down after these scenes were filmed. All the yelling!


Let's end this post less angrily and more...incestily. Yes, Michael and Kiki now know that they are cousins and are doing everything in their power to make sure that nobody knows about their kiss. Just kidding--they are making it insanely obvious by constantly exchanging weirdo glances. Normal! And how hilarious was the very last shot of the episode, with Michael all sad and depressed at HIS COUSIN telling him that their kiss never happened because she's with his brother and also with his DNA? When Kiki and Morgan went upstairs and he just watched them, dejected, I laughed for like a full minute. He looked like Scarlett O'Hara watching Ashley and Melanie go off together (speaking of kissing cousins!)! Something about his sadness just brings me joy.


Yet, Michael kissing his cousin Kiki disturbs me less than similar B&B shenanigans, like Ridge kissing Bridget, his almost daughter/sister, or Steffy & Phoebe dating Rick after they thought he was their uncle for 90% of their life (to name just a few of the gross incesty B&B moments.)Regardless, Mr. Carlivati, PLEASE DON'T GO THERE.

Hmmm, first cousins fighting a "powerful" attraction? Sounds uncomfortably like shades of Jammy from GL, which makes me suddenly fight the urge to vomit.

Every time Sonny acts all outraged about someone causing Dante pain or says "he's my son!" I would love for someone - anyone - to remind him of the time that he shot Dante point-blank in the chest and left him for dead even though he knew that Dante was his son. Sorry Sonny, but you have no moral highground to condemn anyone from. You are the worst.

How come Sonny didn't kill her? :(

Once Sonny shot Dante point blank in the chest-- and NOTHING HAPPENED TO HIM!! I was done with Sonny. The whole character is done to me. I can never forgive GH for Sonny shooting an unarmed man and no penalty. So anything Sonny says to Carly is a joke about Olivia.

Kiki and Michael ICK ICK triple ICK. I had high hopes for Morgan --I was hoping he was going to be more like Jax than Sonny...

Hillary, Sonny didn't actually know Dante was his son but he knew Dante was a) an innocent man and b) Sonny was not in danger of dying or even of going to prison for life. If he had just gone along with Dante Diane could have had him out on bail in a day. And then, of course, there was the way Sonny acted like everyone should immediately forgive him and why couldn't Dante just get over it as soon as Sonny found out the truth, which may have been even worse. To this day I'm pretty sure the only remorse Sonny feels is that people still bring it up every once in a while.

Having missed most of James Franco's (horrible) Franco run, after my initial disgust I sat back and decided to enjoy Roger Howarth's portrayal of Franco. And then, and I know the moment you speak of, he creeped me out because suddenly it was like James Franco was there. Only blonde. And almost better acted, but I swear, a chill went down my spine.

If you are going to play Franco you must overact, otherwise you aren't Franco...That said I am open minded for RH as Franco but damn, that was damned creepy as hell. The guy knows how to pull my emotions from me I must say Brava. Still CREEPY as all get out, shudders~

Sonny's mad that the mother of two of his children may cause the death of the mother of one of his children, so if that mother dies and his one child suffers, he will then kill the mother of the two children so...those two children suffer too? And now three of his children won't have mothers? Uh...Sonny, I don't get your reasoning. Oh wait, Sonny doesn't have any.

I think the hypocrisy of Sonny's speech is laughable. When he was shouting " Do you know the pain you've caused" I wish Carly would've shouted back..."You mean like the time you shot me in the head and hurt me, Michael, Morgan, my mother, & Jason, and I STILL forgave you". I wish Carly would also remind Sonny he's no innocent...

I've hated and loathed Sonny since Day One, but my hate for that Slagbeast, known as Carly exceeds my hate for Sonny, so I don't care how hypocritical is of him, I'm loving every second he's threatening to kill her, because her plans ALWAYS Explode and she never Learns. NEVER.

And hasn't GH done the cousin incest before? Celia Quartermaine and Jimmy Lee Holt, anyone? And they actually had sex! Eww.

And Mallory, if Morgan had been raised by Sonny during his formative years, I could say, not surprised by how Morgan turned out, but he was raised by JAX. He was a decent, sensitive, and SMART kid. Not counting the actor who played him before being SORAS'd. So we should just finally admit, nurture doesn't mean shit.

I know, it's amazing how the smart, sensitive, decent kid who worshipped Jax, has now turned into Sonny jr. The way he tried to make Michael's rape all about him because Michael didn't tell him and Kiki learned about it first. It's classic Sonny. If it rains or snows in Port Charles, it's all about Sonny. The whole bunch of them disgust me, particularly when they all get down on how horrible AJ is supposed to be. Seriously AJ's crimes are nothing compared to what Sonny has done over the years in Port Charles.

Frankly the Molly/Rafe/TJ/Taylor scenes were a nice palate cleanser after the horribleness of the rest of the show.

Were there any AJ fat jokes today?

@Deprived, unless I'm getting the days mixed up, I believe there was a joke on Tuesday about AJ's weight. Something about 30 pounds and I think it was Franco who said it. I don't understand this piling on Sean Kanan by the writers about his weight.

"Don't call me Kiki, either!"

How cruel can you get!

It would be nice if Carly went to trial and ended up losing everything that she earned over the years (mainly on her backside) and ended up at Pentonville Prison.

@deprived @Janet B. I think it was Tracey who made the crack about the 30 lbs to AJ. I don't get piling this all on Sean Kanan either. I think he looks great.

----It would be nice if Carly went to trial and ended up losing everything that she earned over the years (mainly on her backside) and ended up at Pentonville Prison.-----

This works for me, especially if it means Dullivia is dead and Sonny has been smothered to dead by an overdose of his tanning lotion.
Oh, and if Kiki and Franco fall down a well.

@uliis - my bad. I could have sworn that Sonny knew Dante was his kid before he shot him, but I guess I was confusing that with the audience knowing. At any rate, Sonny is still THE WORST and I wish there was a Greek Chorus that would call him out on his shit whenever he spouts off about other people causing pain.

I thankfully didnt see the show (haven't really since Robin disappeared along with the real Patrick). But the Sonny/Carly scenes sounds like a rehash of Jason after finding a sick,kidnapped Robin. Didn't he say something like 'the moment she dies you die" to Tony after he had already busted his hand. I paraphrased but sounded like that but it seems Jason was a lot scarier and believable. Awww, the good old days...

I'm still cracking up over people getting outraged over the AJ/fat jokes. Now Sean Kanan knows how female actresses have felt for the past 40+ years!

Sort of on topic but not. Using the Swype on my phone I tried to type agony... Oddly enough (or fitting) it came up as Sonny. I'm not saying just saying

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