A Cacophony of Awful
I can honestly say that today's episode of General Hospital didn't bore me. Wait, no I can't--I had forgotten, probably from boredom, about the ongoing Molly/Rafe/TJ/Taylor quadrangle, which is completely uninteresting. I don't mind a teen story in theory, but Molly and Rafe's instant connection has always driven me mildly nutty, or at least as nutty as something this dull can drive a person which isn't very and is more along the lines of "I can see how that would bother somebody who cares more than I do", and now Taylor is all of a sudden all about TJ after a whopping two seconds? If something doesn't work the first time, I guess we can keep doing it repeatedly with no tweaks.
But aside from THAT, I wasn't bored. Mostly because when my mind did wander, it wandered to thinking of how I could best and most hilariously describe the utter badness that was abounding. When Sonny was reaming Carly out for having terrible plans that ruin peoples lives because he is suffering from amnesia and thinks it's 1997 again and that this layer of Carly's character was new and shocking ("You made a bad situation worse!" he shouted like it was a scathing indictment and not a testimonial on her business card) and Maurice Benard looked like he was pretty blatantly reading off of cue cards, I started brainstorming. "Is it too much alliteration to have Sonny and shout and scream and spittle in the same sentence? Probably".
Really, though, that confrontation was just...not very good.
Carly: What are you doing here?
Sonny: Like I told you, Olivia dies, you die.
Carly, like she was asking if she shrunk someone's sweater: Did Olivia die?
Sonny: (Raises his gun)
Carly: My god, Sonny, Olivia can't be dead. I'm so sorry.
Sonny, turning the volume up to eleven: SAVE IT! SHE'S NOT DEAD! She isn't doing any better!
Carly: What are you doing?
Sonny: I just wanted you to know how serious I was and what's going to happen to you if she dies.
For some reason, he punctuated about every other word by dramatically poking his chest for emphasis. I don't know if he was trying to remind her of who he meant when he said "I" or what, but the guy was probably bruised when he left the set that day.
Carly: Okay, you're serious. Now get out.
Sonny: DON'T GIVE ME ORDERS! I give the orders! Me! You have any idea how much pain you've caused? How much trouble and chaos?
Carly: I know, I know. Olivia's fighting for her life. I know.
Sonny: Not just Olivia! Her son! What about my son? Dante's in the hospital praying to god right now that his mother doesn't die!
"How can I bring this back to me and my victimization? Oh, right, the kid!" Shut it, Sonny--I also loved when he told Dante that Olivia's always been his "lifeline", because everything is about Sonny. I bet he's one of those people who attaches himself to national tragedies. "Oh, man, something bad happened in Alaska? I LOVE Alaska! This is really getting to me!"
Sonny: You went behind my [He actually said "mah", but I think he meant my] back and look what happened, Olivia's fighting for her life. [Overcome by rage and absolutely hoarse by the time he finishes the sentence which, to be fair, took about six full minutes]FRANCO IS STILL ALIVE! HE KNOWS THE HIT WAS MEANT FOR HIM AND WE PLANNED IT!
Sonny, getting louder with every syllable: How long before that son of a bitch Franco [long, uncomfortable silence] talks? He's just waiting to use it against us, Carly [at this point, breaking the sound barrier]!
But Sonny's not the only one getting all-caps angry! Morgan and Kiki are both SUPER MAD, too!
Morgan, because people at the Quartermaine mansion were talking all at once and he was like "Um, there is no way I can follow all of this and why are you using such big words?!" interrupting with a loud and obnoxious "EVERYONE JUST BACK OFF!" that made everyone, well, back off and probably silently fantasize about punching him in his stupid face.
The anger turned to whining really quickly when he found out that Michael was raped. That part bothered him, but what was really bothersome is that Kiki knew about it before Morgan did. Priorities! But, to be fair, it was a very Sonny reaction.
Oh, and Kiki got all enraged because of her father's part in Michael's rape and because someone decided it's never too early to start padding Kristen Alderson's Emmy reel for 2014. I'm not saying that the following was Emmy worthy--I'm saying that someone told her to ACT and she did! Or at least she tried to. She probably went home very sore because she contorted all of the muscles she has above the shoulders. She was jutting her chin out and wildly craning her neck and bugging her eyes out and screaming super loudly.
Kiki: You're the reason why all that happened to him! [...] It's not okay! [At the top of her lungs] UGH! It's making me sick to my stomach! Don't touch me! I don't understand! Don't call me Kiki, either!
It will probably not surprise you to learn that she gestured crazily during all of that.
Roger Howarth didn't want to be left out of the overacting club, either! I think he must have studied James Franco's GH scenes in order to best capture some of the Franco tics and if that is the case, I pray for him because I can only imagine how horrible such a marathon was. But it worked! Because I've been complaining that he doesn't seem very Franco, but at the very end of today's show, he totally did.
Franco: Can I ask you something? Michael's Jason's nephew, but he's named after Sonny. You're Sonny's son, but you're named after Jason. Don't you think that's a little weird?
AJ, seeming like an uncomfortable middle school field trip chaperone: How's it going in here?
Franco: It's going great, great.
Franco: Your parents want me dead. You know that, right?
Morgan: Do you blame them?
Franco: Not really. AJ can't either, can you big brother?
Franco then did something that I can only describe as "laughing wildly, sticking his tongue out and jumping up and down" which was weird and horrifying to watch, but also totally Franco.
Oh! Sean Blackmore also went to town today. "Remember when you guys all made fun of my Daytime Emmy nomination? THE JOKE'S ON YOU, I CAN YELL LOUDLY AND DRAMATICALLY, TOO!" Alexis was less than happy to hear about Shawn's role in the most botched hit of all time and Shawn was more than happy to turn the tables on her and make the discussion about her hypocrisy instead of his own misdeeds.
Alexis: I don't commit murder on [Sonny's] behalf.
Shawn: Oh, no. No, no, no. You just cover it up.
Alexis: Are you really going to turn this around on me now?
Shawn: So you don't bend the law to make sure he walks?
Shawn: Part of you wants to [turn him into the cops].
Shawn: Because I'm a killer. Well, so are you.
Shawn: You hit [Kiefer] and you left him lying on the road. The boy may have lived if you called the ambulance. No, no, no. You didn't and he died. So how are you going to sit there and judge me? We're not all that different, are we?
So much laryngitis must have gone down after these scenes were filmed. All the yelling!
Let's end this post less angrily and more...incestily. Yes, Michael and Kiki now know that they are cousins and are doing everything in their power to make sure that nobody knows about their kiss. Just kidding--they are making it insanely obvious by constantly exchanging weirdo glances. Normal! And how hilarious was the very last shot of the episode, with Michael all sad and depressed at HIS COUSIN telling him that their kiss never happened because she's with his brother and also with his DNA? When Kiki and Morgan went upstairs and he just watched them, dejected, I laughed for like a full minute. He looked like Scarlett O'Hara watching Ashley and Melanie go off together (speaking of kissing cousins!)! Something about his sadness just brings me joy.