Fireworks and Other Explosions
While I was fast-forwarding General Hospital (don't worry, I had already watched it once. It wasn't one of those episodes that I fast-forward through just to get to the last five minutes and make up dialogue in my head for the super speedy action that usually, if I am being honest, corresponds pretty well to what happens onscreen. It's not like that's a real skill, since so much of this show is repetitive. My real skill lies in the totally hilarious meathead impression of Morgan I do, not to toot my own horn or anything. Where was I? And how did this parentheses get so long? Oh, right, fast-forwarding: If I HAD been fast-forwarding just to get to the end of the show, the joke would have been on me since the episode ended with Olivia and Sonny in a liplock, which I think we can all agree is wrong and off-putting and a lot of other words that will come later in this entry. It wasn't exactly the "Have a good weekend!" note I wanted to end on!), I yelped at the sight of AJ and Elizabeth for obvious "Cuteness, yay!" reasons and because at superspeed, Sean Kanan's resemblance to Steve Burton is even more noticeable.
It was REALLY weird. Like, how did I miss a big-name return like that and how did I miss it the first time I watched the show?! But, no, the kiss that actually did occur without a back from the dead hitman was so cute and adorable that I clapped my hands a little. Aww!
It was nice to celebrate something, since much of the show was...angry-making.
Shawn: Look, my job is protection and security.
Alexis: So, in order to protect and secure Sonny, sometimes you may have to take a life? And not because it's self-defense, but as a matter of strategy.
Shawn: It's not about killing, Alexis. It's about keeping people safe by any means necessary.
Shawn: Look, maybe it's the risk -- the life-and-deathness of it. Maybe I got addicted to the adrenaline, to the -- to the fight-or-flight instinct when i was in Afghanistan or later when I worked for the Balkan. Hell, I don't know. Maybe I just like the way Sonny thinks--
Oh god, does he have a brain tumor? Is that it? Is this the start of a brain tumor story? Because a patently insane comment like that seems to be a huge indicator that something isn' t right, healthwise--
Shawn: --how he takes, you know -- he takes things into his own hands.
And throws it violently across the room? I am not following any of this and I almost wish there had just been a crawl at the bottom of the screen saying "Since Jason is dead, Sonny needs a new yes-man who will kill on command and everybody else is kind of wrapped up in storylines. Shawn's just floating around kind of uselessly though, so...now he kills people for money. Thank you for your time. Don't forget to stick around for Katie at 3PM!" because these rationalizations are just bizarre. "I don't kill people because I'm into it, I kill people so that people stay safe. Except for the people I kill, obviously."
All of the above complaining will never be mentioned again if Shawn takes a hit out on Kiki, though, and puts an end to the most shoddily constructed star-crossed lovers stories in recent memory. I mean, really, Michael and KIki's sad faces are so obnoxious. "Woe is me, I have it bad for my cousin". "My life is so unfair. My boyfriend's brother is the man of my dreams but we share genetic material. Why is God so cruel?!" Maybe I'd feel more sympathy for them if they've interacted for more than like eight minutes.
Yes, the world is so unfair for keeping you apart! You're barely even acquaintances and as far as I can tell, Kiki has exactly zero appealing characteristics, which makes this even less sad. Jesus, Michael, just sign up for OKCupid, say that you are looking for someone not related to you and MOVE ON.
Speaking of moving on...move on, Olivia. Move out of town. You've been SHOT. Your cousin has been SHOT. Your son has been SHOT. And I know you're not particularly concerned with the fact that it was Sonny who shot him (IN THE CHEST!) because he didn't know Dante was his son and he felt, like, really bad after that, but the point remains that even if you ignore the glaring and horrifying fact that Sonny shot your son, your ENTIRE FAMILY HAS BEEN SHOT IN THIS TOWN BECAUSE OF MOB VIOLENCE! And not only do you NOT SKIP TOWN and run away to a SAFE SUBURB OR EVEN A LESS DANGEROUS CITY, you find yourself MAKING OUT with the town's resident mobster who was involved IN ALL OF THOSE SHOOTINGS?!
When she gets shot again, are we all supposed to be sad during the scenes where everyone has vigils at her bedside? Because I'm calling it right now, I won't be and I'll prove it to you when this scenario comes true around October and my face is cold and my heart is black.