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« Like, You Know...Whatever | Main | Wait For Me, Connie, I'm Dying, Too (Too Soon?) »

August 19, 2013

Pregnant Pauses

Okay, before I get to my major point here, can we address the fug in the corner? Maxie's hair is a tragedy.

20130819_15063-vi

I probably should have noted at the top of the post that this was obviously NSFW or For Sanity! It's horrifying on so many levels:

1. It's shockingly, depressingly ugly.

2. Her hair was styled this way in two hugely important moments in her life--Mac and Felicia's wedding and going into labor. Do you know what this means? Whenever the show flashes back to either of these two incidents (which, judging by how memory-happy this show has gotten in recent months, will probably be at least three or four times per episode for the next two years), we will be confronted with this unkempt poodle looking fiasco. Why, woe, etc.

...okay, there are only two levels on which it is horrifying but those two levels are big ones! Awful. So, so awful.

Now that that's out of the way (or as out of the way is it can be, which is not very, since I worry that it is always going to be lurking in the corner of my mind), let's talk about subtext. You see, the most captivating parts of today's General Hospital didn't actually happen onscreen--they took place entirely between the lines and by "between the lines" I sort of mean "my head". What can I say, the GH I've got going on in my mind is pretty okay, given the materials with which I am working.

LAURA AND HOLLY
WHAT THEY SAID:

Laura: I've met Ethan, by the way. He's a lovely young man.
Holly: He is, yes. And congratulations on your marriage to Scott. Um, I wish you all of the happiness you deserve.


WHAT THEY MEANT:

Laura: Kid's a douche.
Holly: ...
Laura: Like, grade-A.
Holly: ...
Laura: Call Black and Decker, because someone's missing a tool.
Holly: You want to have a douche-off? You're married to Scott Baldwin.
Laura: Pocket chain.
Luke: Game, set, match, English.

 

SONNY AND CONNIE AND OLIVIA (OH, MY!)
WHAT THEY SAID:

Connie: I ran the story. I went against my word and according to Olivia, I'm unworthy of you.
Olivia: That isn't remotely what I said.
Connie: But that's what you meant, right?
Olivia: ...


WHAT THEY MEANT:

Connie: But that's what you meant, right?
Olivia: Well, I mean...basically.
Sonny: What the hell does "remotely" mean?!

There was a scene in Skyfall where Ralph Fiennes (as Gareth Mallory--to the surprise of no one, I became obsessed with him after this movie. There are so few pop culture Mallorys and even fewer good ones, Mallory Keaton aside, that I just felt like he needed to be celebrated. Plus, his filmography is pretty epic, so it's not the worst random obsession to have) made the most perfect face ever captured on film and one I've been attempting to emulate ever since, but I lack the dapperness and, let's be honest, cragginess to really pull it off (he was also the subject of my new favorite movie line: "You know, Mallory's not as bad as you think". I'm considering putting it on my resume!). But if I COULD pull it off, this is the fact I'd have been making throughout the entirety of Sonny's scenes with the Falconeri cousins.

Because REALLY.

Olivia: I never should have stepped aside for you and Connie. I should have stood up and I should have fought for you. I made a mistake walking and you made a mistake letting me.

OH EM GEE, HE SHOT YOUR SON IN THE CHEST. Your "mistake" was not engineering his murder or at the very least a botched hit on his life. SHOT YOUR SON IN THE CHEST! And even if we take that out of the equation, and I'm not sure why we would because OH MY GOD YOUR SON ALMOST DIED BECAUSE OF THAT OH MY GOD, HOW IS THAT NOT ON YOUR MIND EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT HIS STUPID FACE OH MY GOD, does the man even have one redeeming quality? A single one? Not that it would be enough to counteract the fact that HE SHOT YOUR SON IN THE CHEST, but if you could even point to something like "He has really good health benefits" or "He is the only person I know who can fold a fitted sheet", I'd maybe understand a little, but no! Those random statements are almost assuredly not true (can't you see Sonny ATTEMPTING to fold a sheet and becoming so enraged that he shoots it?) so we're back to square one, which is that Sonny is terrible in every conceivable way.

Sonny: You don't have a right to ask about a conversation that was not meant for your ears.

SEE? TERRIBLE!

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Assorted random thoughts:

  • AJ seeing Nikolas and Elizabeth hug and then storming away in a fit of rage was so hilarious that I had to watch it twice. Yes, it got MUCH darker when AJ went to the Floating Rib for an angry drink, but that one moment brought joy to my life. It reminded me of a wacky misunderstanding on a TGIF sitcom, like some sort of plotline for DJ and Steve on Full House.
  • Not to make ridiculous pronouncements, but for real: if we have to listen to more "HA, GET IT? GET IT? THIS IS MAXIE AND SPINELLI'S KID, LOL, #DAMNWEREGOOD" lines like Spinelli's "This baby has nothing to do with me" or Felicia's "All that pain and it's not even her baby", I will...I will not be responsible for my actions. That's right. I won't! I will post all sorts of angry comments on the internet! Fear me, GH writers! 
  • Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, my favorite former celebrity couple (can anyone else believe she is dating The Douche now? I will never be able to refer to Nick Kroll as anything but), have two (adorable!) sons and I often (creepily) wonder: are their children going to harnass the epic hilarity of their parents and become the funniest human beings the world has never seen? Or will the doubly funny DNA backfire and turn them into stern, serious folk? I bring this up now because...

20130819_1412-vi
For the daughter of a legendary pychotic criminal and a newly beloved psychotic criminal, Britt is not so good at...villainy. Her inability to lie convincingly or think on her feet or plot at all is worrisome!

Comments

OMG hilarious.

The image of Sonny shooting a sheet after failing to make it fit the bed properly has made me laugh aloud after a spectacularly bad day. Thank you, Mallory.

Thank you for that brilliant update--much better than the show. Wow-- KS knows how NOT to wear her hair if she ever gets married. That is horrid--

Sonny shooting the sheet priceless imagery...
Once Sonny shot Dante/Dominic in the chest --I lost all respect for the character --I can't forget -- that Olivia has the hots for the man who SHOT her SON in the chest-- is something I will never understand...

Laura: Kid's a douche.

Me: Word.

Ethan: Aren't pocket chains cool?

Laura and Me: Noooooo.

Olivia: Sonny, you just shot our FITTED SHEET!

Sonny: (blank face)

Why is Spinelli getting a kid on this show?

Well, Britt keeps the line of children who are seriously disappointing when compared to their parents alive.

Example: Robin Soltini Scorpio Drake. She is the daughter of awesome spies and she couldn't be more mind numbingly boring and self-righteous if she tried. Her parents and the people who kidnap her are the most interesting aspects about her.

Poor Emma started off with a dud mom and now she is stuck with an even worse option as a step-mom. :(

Mallory... Come on give Anna a little love! Had to watch her scenes with Britt twice tonight. She's all sorts of awesome! My only complaint is that tptb will put her away in the closet for another 8 months and not use her! Menacing & threatening Anna Devane is my favorite Anna!!

I saw Nathan Parsons on a Lifetime movie (only watched because I was curious to see him in something else) and his character wore that pocket chain. I thought the chain was an "Ethan" thing, but it must be a Nathan Parsons thing. He was basically dressed the same way Ethan dressed. I liked him on GH but he should never have been Luke's son.

Why would Olivia or anyone want to fight for Sonny! Is he that great? When Sonny spouted about betrayal last week, I kept wondering wasn't Olivia keeping Dante away from him for 30 years "betrayal"? Sonny is such a hypocrite. And Sonny shot Dante in the chest. Someone should just repeat that over and over in the background. Great imaginary dialog!

Thank you for some much needed laughs today. . . and I am one (perhaps among many) who see the kids of epic parents as epic in their own right. . .

Robin
Lucky (sometimes epically awful but that counts right? :/ )
Tracey and Alan
Cameron
Kinda liking AJ lately too!

EPIC!!

Brandon Barash n Kirsten Storms are married and expecting a little girl in January
Who knew, wasn't he engaged to someone else?

I know I should put aside "reality" and all of that....but wouldn't the doctor notice that the baby is smaller than it should be? After all, Maxie got pregnant w Spinelli's baby weeks after being impregnated w Lulu's baby. But them again, that's not realistic either. It's the little things that bother me.

Now, see, I thought the baby was larger than a newborn. Lulu also said Maxie wasn't due yet.

pairing olivia with Sonny is killing the last decent shred of dignity the character had

Olivia with Sonny is just another thing to zone out of this show.* he shot your son*.that's betrayal.
first original Lucky was a lot like his parents. The rest not so much. Robin ,no spy. She is a good person. and I like the character, when she isn't spouting the Sonny mantra. Then I wonder if she was switched as a baby. Britt Faison is her father .Poor girl, poor baby if its hers. If she ends up with Nic,won't matter it will be who has the nuttier more evil family. Instead of killing off Konnie it should be Olivia, she should be killed because she was standing next to Sonny. Then Dante can see she was right to never let him near him. Then maybe Dante who is just like his father could go back to being an honest cop. When he lied on the stand and said he shot himself, I thought .He shot himself in the chest by accident, and he's a cop. They should have taken that gun and his badge and let him just go to work for Sonny. Jason wanted to kill him, they could have had a shootout in the middle of the street the way the cowboys did it in the old westens. Morgan is just like his father me, me, me. You love Mikey more. Everyone loves Mikey more??? I'M gonna eat some worms.

Technically, Dante was fired; he was working for the NYPD when Sonny shot him, oops, I mean when he shot himself in the chest while cleaning his gun. It was Mac who re-hired him to work for the inept PCPD. Which, has gotten better and stronger under the auspices of Anna Devane, if you ask me. Now, Robin may not be a spy like her Mum and Dad, but she can also kick ass. I remember when Robert came back in 2006, and Anna approached in that copter, and proceeded to drop kick Robert, Wee Robin Scorpio knew how to handle that machine gun and how to use that axe to deal with the poisonous snakes.

Not sure if this is a spoiler or not** but at least now that Robin is coming back (on contract so this won't be a fly by visit like so many other actors do) this pregnancy storyline with Britt should really start to heat up and get interesting. What's Patrick going to do once his other baby mama comes back?

In addition to the awful hair on Maxie, can we talk about Holly's makeup? Hello, this is the 80s - we'd like our eye shadow and mascara back. Seriously.

Cara said: "What's Patrick going to do once his other baby mama comes back?"

Technically, Robin is Patrick's wife, not someone he also only had a child with.

Mallory, your whole rant about Sonny had me giggling but the sheet-shooting was the piece de resistance! Thank you for the epic belly laugh :)

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