Soap Crazy Is Catching
I know it would be safe to assume that General Hospital, with its grim and unappealing blend of dull and awful, finally broke my brain and caused me to storm away from the soap opera genre and my soap opera blog with a loud and defiant "Mallory OUT!" and microphone drop. But it's not outrage or integrity that's leading to my infrequent posting--it's a complete and utter physically inability to think about this show. I feel like I have a mild form of brain damage that you'd see on, ironically, a soap opera.
Hear me out: I watch General Hospital every day. Sometimes I even watch it twice a day, which is bonkers, because I cannot remember anything that happened earlier in the hour. Like, I'll watch and I will feel repulsion at what I'm watching, but when those sixty minutes are over, I'm like "Was GH on today? Did my DVR not record it? Oh, it did, let me watch!" and it's a horrible, weird cycle that I have absolutely no memory of.
So I apologize for my neglect and to make it up to you, I have a list of random notes I jotted down while watching today's episode, that are basically half-baked thoughts to prove to myself that I did inded sit through this show. Let the sound of all of you hastily exiting your browser windows be the soundtrack for the rest of this post...
- Nothing in the world sounded more unnatural to my ears than Silas telling Rafe "I'm cool with that".
- Sam wearing red was, perhaps, the most shocking moment in recent memory. I melodramatically gasped to my empty living room!
- The plaintive music that plays whenever Michael and Kiki see each other, which is often because they won't stay away from each other and also because of contrivance, makes me want to throw things.
- Everything about Taylor and Rafe and their ridiculous plan to get TJ and Molly back is sad and terrible. Literally, everything: the recast Taylor looks easily ten years older than the rest of the teen scene. Rafe makes a single facial expression in all of his scenes, regardless of whether he's supposed to be sad or happy or hungry or anything.
And Operation: Main Squeeze is the dumbest name I have ever heard for a teenage shenanigan, and I am speaking as someone who assigned code names to every person she knew and every situation she was a part of throughout middle school.
- I am SO SURE that Carlos would spend more than a minute and a half longing for Sabrina.
He definitely seems like the kind of man who would indulge an immature perpetual middle schooler and carry a torch for her indefinitely because of her great qualities, like...all of those qualities so great they need not be named.
- All of us could brainstorm for less than ten seconds and still come up with half a dozen different examples of the classic "I love you"/"Thank you" conversation that has been the basis for sitcom episode A-plots over the years. It's probably the most cliched five word conversation in television history and yet no amount of overuse could make me love this moment any less:
Sabrina: I love you, Patrick. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you and Emma.
Patrick: Thank you, I'll call you in a little bit.
Cold as ice! Which is a Drake trait, because Emma, possibly having read soap opera spoilers that told her that her mother will be returning from the dead in a matter of days and it's in her best interest to shake up her own storyline a little bit, hit Sabrina where it hurt: right in her mental image of her, Patrick and Emma as the happiest little family in all of Port Charles.
Sabrina: I'm sorry your mommy can't be here for you right now, but you know what? She's looking down on you from heaven and send you all of her love and she always will be.
Emma: I want her here, though!
Sabrina: I'm here!
Emma, pausing for a moment to really twist the knife: ...it's not the same.
I don't know if I'm punchy/mean, but oh how I laughed.