Shock Of All Shocks (Insert Your Own Sarcastic Airquotes As You Please)
From the very second Franco conveniently stumbled upon a freshly dug grave at the very moment he needed to dispose of a body before a hot date with Carly*, I knew it was just a matter of time before the classic horror movie "OHMIGOD THE VILLAIN ISN'T REALLY DEAD, HIS/HER HAND JUST DRAMATICALLY BURST OUT FROM HIS/HER GRAVE OHMIGOD I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING BECAUSE I NEVER GOT AROUND TO SEEING CARRIE OR THAT EPISODE OF PRETTY LITTLE LIARS OR THAT EPISODE OF MELROSE PLACE OR BASICALLY ANY TELEVISION EPISODE OR MOVIE THAT INCLUDED A BAD PERSON BEING BURIED" moment came and even though I was prepared for it, I still groaned out loud because of lameness.
Lame is actually a pretty good overview of today's entire episode--I almost kept hoping the news would break in with a special alert that it had snowed earlier this morning and is also cold.
- LAME: AJ's trial taking place basically over the course of eight minutes. I am not saying that I wanted a prolonged trial, because this show's grasp of the legal system is mind-exploding at best. But this was the murder trial of a legacy character who was charged with killing someone who...well, I hesitate to overstate the importance of Connie to the canvas, so I'll just say "someone who sure ate up a lot of screentime". At the very least they could have aired implausible courtroom scenes for me to fast-forward through!
- LAME: Carly attempting to justify being smitten with Franco with a snotty "Jason would disagree with me but he'd also let me do whatever I want because I am Carly". I know we are talking about someone who is outlandishly delusional but the only way Jason would be okay with Carly dating Franco is if he secretly wanted Carly dead and for Franco to be the one to put Jason out of his misery. So never mind, maybe he WOULD be okay with Carly dating Franco.
- LAME: I am one of the major proponents of 90s era GH nostalgia and almost any reference to the show's glory days will make me smile, but HOLY GOD I cannot stomach the thought of hearing Lily's name mentioned one more time.
- LAME: The fact that my DVR didn't record the previous two episodes filled with things I am actually moderately interested in/absolutely obsessed with. But it sure made sure to capture every moment of today's show.
*I could not stop cringing during Carly and Franco's phone conversation when she was nervous about wondering where he was and he was awkwardly trying not to let on that he was burying a body. "Hurry back, I have a surprise for you!" ""A surprise? That sounds awesome. It's got to be a good surprise, right? Why would you tell me about a bad surprise? Would you mind telling me just how good it is?" She was so flirtatious that I half expected her to just dispense with the subtext and tell him "The surprise is my vagina".