And The Phrase of The Day "Because Of Course"
Is there a word for the feeling of being disappointed and irritated by something, but certainly not surprised by it and also not even really angry because you know in your heart of hearts that it's only going to get much worse from here and it's much better for you to pace yourself on your long and strenuous marathon of disdain and not jump to seething rage immediately? I bet the Germans have a word for it.
Whatever the term is (pre-rage apathy? The eyeroll before the rage? Watch this space for a pithy, and maybe even punny, zing that we will all try to make happen), that's where I am at with General Hospital today. So much of what went on today pushed all of the wrong buttons, the buttons that would normally make me shriek in a way that only dogs could hear:
- Carly is still being held captive by Heather (who could really use some pointers on kidnapping, because Carly is barely even tied up. Like, her feet aren't bound, are they? She could literally just get up and walk away to look for help and if one of Heather's goons caught her--because of course Heather has goons, why wouldn't she?--she could just get sassy and annoying around the gag that is barely in her mouth and they'd be like "Fine, go, I can't stand to be around you for one second longer.") and Luke stumbled upon her and it seemed for a second to people unfamiliar with soap operas that she was about to be saved but then Luke got knocked out. BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DID. Because this story is not going to end for at least three more months of poor Franco being persecuted by mean Sonny and even meaner Michael (and being defended by Kiki who, like Carly, is just suuuuuuch a good judge of character and knows when someone is good, you guys, and Franco is rilly rilly good!) and endless scenes of Heather doing her "Look at me, I'm soooooo crazyyyyy!" shtick.
- There are a bunch of new candidates for Chief of Staff--basically every regular character who holds a medical degree, actually. We can go back and forth on whether any of them are remotely qualified to hold the job or even if some of them should still have their medical license, but it doesn't even matter because this entire debacle is just the excuse to bring Dr. Obrecht in as the new Chief of Staff. BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE IS. That totally makes sense, doesn't it? That the board of directors at a hospital would elect a psychotic criminal mastermind whose last known whereabouts were "Prison, because she was arrested on account of the psychosis and criminal masterminding"? Because Dr. Obrecht needs to create more chaos and this is as good a reason as any to bring her back to do it, right? Even the rest of the room wasn't shocked by her entrance--Monica rolled her eyes and Britt looked grossed out. You speak to my soul, ladies!
- Felix and Sabrina LOUDLY and PUBLICLY discussed the huge secret that Patrick is really the father of Sabrina's baby and Elizabeth overheard. BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DID. That's what happens when you have a personal conversation and EXPLICITLY NAME EVERY SINGLE PERSON AND EVENT INVOLVED (Actual quote: "No one will hear from me that Carlos isn't the father of your baby and that Patrick is"). What the hell? I know when I am discussing an enormous and life-altering secret in public--which I wouldn't, because I have the minimal understanding of what a secret actually is, but if I was forced under duress to discuss a secret in a highly traficked public place, I'd whisper and also be incredibly vague about the entire thing. "Sabrina, I promise, I won't say anything about the thing". Or I'd be even less mysterious and provocative than that and just say "I promise". Fucking Felix.
Speaking of Felix, can we discuss how he is the worst? Because he is. THE WORST.
He started the episode by saying "I get it, it's not my place", which I have to assume was an ironic line, because he certainly doesn't understand what either of those phrases means. THEN he proceeded to make rage inducing faces at Sabrina while she made pleasant smalltalk with Patrick and Robin about morning sickness.
And after that, the Crown Prince of Doucheville climbed up on his thoroughbred high horse and decided to lecture Patrick on the way he said goodbye to Sabrina.
Patrick: If you need anything, obviously let me know.
Sabrina: I appreciate that.
Felix: Wait, hold up. Doc, is that all you have to say? "Want some coffee, catch you later"?
Patrick: What would you like me to say?
Felix: Well, you could acknowledge that Sabrina is having a BABY [Note: you should just assume that at least three words in each of Felix's lines are (over)emphasized all snottily. Just in case I forget to type them in caps. You can also assume that he makes wildly judgmental and smug faces while delivering all these lines. Because he did. It was awful]
Patrick: I thought I just did that.
Felix: Yeah, in a "mildly concerned acquaintance" kind of way.
THEN when Sabrina lied that Carlos is the father of her baby, he was all appalled and made sort of hilarious/entirely angry-making faces of betrayal and decided to interrogate her about it. In front of Patrick and Robin. And anyone else who happened to walk by. Because this conversation was taking place in a hallway at their place of employment ohmigod you guys, I hate him so much. When Patrick and Robin were mercifully allowed to leave and Patrick tossed off an incredibly bland "All right, we'll see you guys later", all I could imagine was how grateful he must be that he dodged a bullet and doesn't have to deal with Felix being a part of every single second of his married life (Spoiler alert: Patrick, you have dodged no such bullet. He will be a part of your life forever. Like a cockroach. A loud, hammy cockroach).
I don't know why I don't just fast forward these scenes--it's not like Robin and Patrick were really even a part of them aside from window dressing. Maybe my critics are right and I do like being miserable.