Forget Carly--I'm The One Being Held Hostage Here
As I'm sure you can imagine, I was all set to whine, loudly and longly, about the ENDLESS scenes showing a captive Carly (complete with the world's laziest gag) at Heather's mercy while Heather screeched and screamed and flared her nostrils and threatened repeatedly to kill Carly. It's a trifecta of bad, you know? There is so much over-the-top shtick (I'm not saying Robin Mattson isn't good at what she does, but I'm not not saying that she'd be enjoyable if she dialed it down ten notches. Or, better yet, was written off the show and brought back a year or two from now). All of these scenes are just dramatically deficient: does anyone actually think Carly is going to die? I know many/most of you are fervently HOPING that she will and have probably pitched your remotes at your TVs because she hasn't yet, but she's basically immortal--I'm sort of convinced that she's an actual demon and the reveal will come the next time the show goes to the supernatural camp realm--and come on, would the show really deprive Franco of his happily ever after with his one true love? No, they wouldn't (oh my god, how sad is it that we are discussing Carly in terms of how it will impact Franco? VERY). And did I mention that they are so very endless? Heather has had Carly for days, which means that she's been telling her about her impending death for HOURS. I'm sort of intrigued by the conversations they have off camera--is Heather just on an endless loop with the death threats, repeating herself constantly? It seems that way to me as a viewer and I'm about to lose my mind, so who knows the mental anguish Carly is experiencing? Maybe the thick, gelatinous substance on Heather's knife was blood spatter from Carly'd exploding from absolute misery.
But then Kiki happened and it took the wind out of my ranty sails (think about how much longer that rant would have been had I really had my heart in it!).
There are characters that I hate more than I hate Kiki--Franco, for one. And Sonny. And Felix. And, and, and, etc. But at least there is a point to those characters. Felix, of course, is responsible for broadcasting Sabrina's awesome to the rest of town. Sonny is the "dark" "hero" and "romantic" "leading man" from what I've been led to believe. And Franco exists as a means for the show to basically give us all the finger and taunt us into following through on our empty threats to "REALLY QUIT, FOR REAL THIS TIME. REALLY. REAL". These are terrible purposes and I'd be a lot happier without them, but they have reasons for existing. Why is Kiki? I am mystified every time she appears onscreen shouting at people and generally being terrible. This is supposed to be entertainment? I'm supposed to be interested in this person? I'm interested in envisioning scenarios in which she's written off the show and never mentioned again, that's for sure.
Ava: You'll take him at his word, but not me? You would believe the word of a serial killer but not the word of your own mother?
Kiki: As far as I know, Franco has never lied to me.
What circle of hell are liars sent to and how much worse is it than that of serial murderers with tumors? Sorry, that was unfair of me. Serial killers with tumors clearly aren't going to hell. I overstated that. I'm not saying that Ava is a candidate for mother of the year, but I am also saying that I have literally no interest in Kiki's feelings or their relationship in general so lie away if you want to, I'm just going to fast forward it.
And watching Kiki be all jokey and give Franco relationship advice had me wanting to gargle Clorox.
Kiki: Just because we're not related doesn't mean that I don't care about you.
"You know how we're legally prohibited from talking about how we used to be father and daughter on that other show but we were, like, really great together? Remember? You can still love us now, even though we're not on, um...Feline Evil, Too. We're still great!"
And then the teary and heartfelt Franco, sick with worry over Carly and refusing to believe that his True Love 4Eva would ever hurt him--just, ugh. I cannot ugh enough.
- Silas having a wife who has been in a coma for decades and whose comatose state he feels responsible for because said wife was so distraught about Silas's affair with Ava is exactly as uninteresting as I anticipated it being. Oh, Michael Easton, you try to make me care and yet I can't! I am mildly interested--no, interested isn't the right word. I am sort of curious--like the bare minimum of curiosity. Like I am slightly more curious than Silas's wife. Too soon?--to learn why this is coming up all of a sudden and why Nathan West relocated to Port Charles so that he could nail Silas for it. It's been 20 years!
- Nathan's phone call to Ava led to a predictably underplayed Ava reaction shot. Just kidding, her eyes bugged out and then darted in a million different directions. Coupled with her elaborately teased hair, it came across as way less than mentally stable.
- "I know that's procedure, but this is my mom. Can't you make an exception?!" Oh, Michael, you are so your mother's son.
- Oh, goody, another paternity lie. How new and fresh! ("Um, excuse me, this IS new," says GH. "What other paternity story featured this many rolled r's? BOO-YAH!")
- Carlos is gross. "Protection was the last thing on our minds?" I vomit.