The Fosters: House and Home
So I'm pretty sure we were all just on the edge of our seats waiting for the "romantic" "Brallie" reunion tonight on The Fosters, right? If by "on the edge our seats" I probably mean sick to my stomach and super-annoyed that this seems to be the primary reason people watch the show if the PR department is to be believed. The number of "I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE BRANDON AND CALLIE TOGETHER AGAIN 2NITE!!!" tweets I saw today were just... chilling.
At any rate, we started off nicely for the grownup viewers. Callie's behind bars again.
We were all hoping for some Orange Is The New Black-esque jailhouse shenanigans, right? They have to understand their adult demographic, yes? Because I feel like it lines up.
Jude is sad and is worried they no longer want to adopt Callie. FIX IT FOR JUDE, DON'T YOU DARE MAKE MY LITTLE JUDE SAD, JERKS! Brandon and his dopey droopy face confesses to sucking face with his foster sister.
And he's all self-righteous about it, because apparently when teenagers are self-righteous about inappropriate relationships it increases viewership and couple fandom on ABC Family (y'all, I'm flying through Pretty Little Liars right now and the whole teacher/student gross relationship thing is making my skin crawl so my haunches are totally up at this stuff).
Stef and Lena go to Callie's hearing to speak on her behalf, but also to say they're not prepared to give her a home "at this time." They go on to explain how they're newlyweds and Callie running away totally ruined their post-wedding sexytimes. Okay, no they don't, but I think it would have been a good argument.
Mariana meets a new cute boy (I couldn't tell if his name was Chase or Jason) who wants her to volunteer to do crew for the school production of The Glass Menagerie.
That definitely seems like a good choice for a high school production. I mean what could they possibly relate to more? Mariana volunteers to work on costumes for the show (while the light designer attaches himself to her but I can't tell if he has a crush on her or on the cute boy Chase/Jason who is coordinating the crew and making bad jokes) and unfortunately gets paired with Kelsey, the friend of hers she'd sold drugs to who lied and blamed Callie for the dealing of said drugs.
Oh and Brandon dumps Talya.
Because Brandon is a douche. He later gets self-righteous with his moms again and yells about how he and Callie are in love and are going to be together whether they like it or not. Because clearly that's more important than Callie having parents and a home outside of the system. He sure knows how to show his love! (Yeah, yeah, he's a teenager, I know.)
Speaking of the system, Callie moves in to a girls' home with none other than Rosie O'Donnell as the home director!
There's a group meeting and all the girls talk about why they're there and it's all way more violent and sketchy than anything Callie did, which she gets all haughty about, explaining that she doesn't belong there. Turns out -- shockingly! -- that none of the girls think they belong there because duh.
Brandon apologizes to Jude for letting LittleBrandon motivate him to take action that made Jude's sister have to go live in a group home. Jude, appropriately, is not hearing it. Good man, Jude. Good man.
The family is playing basketball and Jesus collapses. Turns out it was dehydration related to his ADHD meds. Mike thinks Jesus should go off his meds and play sports to deal with his ADHD. The moms agree to let him give wrestling a shot, but he's bummed about the outfit he'll have to wear while pinning other boys to a mat.
Back at the group home, we're learning a little more about Cole. Cole is one of the residents and is a trans guy and not all the girls in the home are super-accepting about this (I LOVE THIS SHOW) (no, seriously, sometimes I'd just laugh at a show that worked so hard to cover every possible social issue on the planet, but they do it so damn sweetly!). Oh, and one of the girls is Daphne, the one who fought with Callie back in juvie. She tries to apologize to Callie, and then asks, "So are we straight?" Callie says they are not straight and walks away. SUBTEXT. (I said we were flirting with Orange Is The New Black territory here, did I not??) (Okay, I know that's not what she meant. But a girl can dream.)
Mike tries to counsel Brandon out of his crush on Callie, to no avail. Callie and her group home roomie bond a little over their brothers, and Callie learns that if she's nice to the other gals they'll vote for her to get privileges for visitation with Jude. Jude, meanwhile, is getting invited to bunk in Mariana's room in Callie's now-empty bed.
Kelsey and Mariana go shopping for costumes where Kelsey does a little shoplifting and announces to Mariana that she (Kelsey) plans on banging Chase that very night.
Back at the girls' home, there's a group meeting and they all talk about their addictions and childhoods and traumas and it makes me weepy. Cole is upset that he's not allowed to be placed in an LGBT home and then demands some honesty from Callie. What is her addiction, they ask? She's too cool for this, but does 'fess up about making out with her foster brother. Later there's an incident between Callie and Cole, when Callie walks in on Cole getting out of the shower. Callie sees Cole binding and Cole freaks out from having this private moment intruded upon and pushes Callie a bit -- and Callie freaks out like a psycho and shoves Cole through the glass shower door, shattering it. But the kids all close ranks and refuse to give up any information on what happened, so Counselor Rosie announces that Callie and Cole will now be roommates, because that's how they handle conflict in this group home.
Jude is disappointed to learn that Callie's visitation privileges got revoked as a result of this incident. Stef and Lena try to cheer him up and it's adorable and makes me want to cry a little. Or a lot, I can't tell, I'm hanging on by a thread here, people.
Mariana calls Kelsey out for shoplifting. It turns out it's a brown fedora for Chase. He loves it. It looks great, he thinks. "Totes," he keeps saying, making me want to murder him. He's in a fedora and says "totes?" WHAT IS THE APPEAL, MARIANA? What is it??
Jesus goes to wrestling practice and a girl shows him up. Oh, he's so emasculated!
Counselor Rosie tries to bond with Callie, but Callie just has attitude about it. Counselor Rosie is like the most patient saint in the group home system. Regardless, Callie spots Brandon hanging around on the sidewalk outside the group home and she runs out and leaps into his arms while the music swells and everybody goes out onto the front steps to watch as if this is some sort of beautiful thing.
Oh, just stab me. Gross.