The One With My Identity Crisis
"Thank you, Sonny. THANK you."
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I recoiled and suppressed the urge to scream a scary movie scream. It was a real life "The call is coming from inside the house" moment except it was somehow more terrifying. I wish I was dealing with a crazed killer at this point. That would be a walk in the park! But no, instead I'm dealing with the disruption (destruction?!) of my entire worldview. We all know how I feel about Sonny; I...don't care for him, to an extreme and possibly semi-obsessive degree. But today? Today I didn't just tolerate him. I didn't just agree with him. I ENJOYED HIM. What is my life?! Up is down and left is right and what, will I turn on the ESPN 30 For 30 on Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan tonight and think "No, this isn't for me" and will I root for the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, reasoning that "You know, Pete Carroll seems like a really great guy"? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN THIS NEW REALITY AND IT HORRIFIES ME.
Sonny: Is it that hard to believe that Carly would leave you?
Franco: Yes, you know why? Because things were really good with us.
Sonny, voice dripping with disdain. A disdain that I recognize and admire: Oh, really?
Sonny. Oh. [Sarcastically] Okay.
Franco: Carly was wonderful to me. Really, she was. She was going to go to Michael, she was going to tell him we WEREN'T going to break up. She was going to tell him that RIGHT NOW there's NOTHING that was going to break us up.
Who are you, Taylor Swift?
Franco: It's terrifying to love a woman. To care about her so much and to know she may never care back because of all the things you've done wrong in your life. And no one in the world seems to get it. No one seems to believe you may be different now because you love someone.
Try to throw in a few more cliches, Franco. You don't sound EXACTLY like a tween girl just yet.
Franco: I've done some horrible things in my life.
Sonny, deadpan: Oh?
Franco: So have you.
Sonny, shrugging: Eh.
I laughed out loud, you guys. OUT LOUD.
Franco: I'm not capable of hurting Carly.
Sonny: You're not? Oh, you're not [At this point, Maurice Benard did a full body eyeroll and I am completely genuine when I say that it should be the centerpiece of his Emmy reel]. The tumor.
If you ignore Sonny's history (the writers do, so why can't we?) and literally every aspect of his personality aside from his disgust with Franco, he's sort of okay. I could--and I am ashamed to be typing this. Really, I am. The new me is scary--watch him threaten Franco all day, every day (mostly because Franco is the worst but also, a little, because Sonny really means that SHAWN will hurt Franco in a million different ways but it's not as menacing if you phrase it like "You better pray, because my henchman will totally destroy you on my orders and fill me in on it later. Yeah. Think about that."), even though that will just give Franco more fodder for his lame diary. "OMG, Sonny was sooooooo mean..."