General Hospital: Hypochondria Edition (My Eyes Still Hurt!)
After Dante sighed in annoyance, no doubt thinking of the mountain of paperwork he'd need to fill out about this useless moron, and shot Franco on Monday's General Hospital, I suddenly found myself in the midst of a pretty substantial existential crisis: do I keep watching or do I end my GH-watching career on a high note, knowing that if I never watched another episode, I could live in a blissful fantasy world and pretend that Franco actually died. Most of me realized that it would be patently absurd to do that (I have Serial Drama to think about and my Soap Opera Digest column and a weird sense of pride. "Really, GH? This is all you've got? Do you know how much worse I've sat through? I blogged the Text Message Killer, mofo. Your weird obsessive love for Franco is like amateur hour. I'll be there tomorrow at 2 or whenever I get around to watching it on DVR with bells on. With bells on") (General Hospital, please note that while it reads as such, it is not actually a dare to attempt to top yourself) but a small, insane part of me smiled at the thought of imagining the fallout. Would Dante get a hero's parade? Would he walk back inside to all of his colleagues in slow motion while a wildly expensive to license celebratory song played over scenes of him shaking hands while everyone applauded? I hope so.
But here we are. I have not quit General Hospital and General Hospital has not quit Franco. On the contrary: they keep...I don't know what the opposite of quit in this context is, because hiring isn't quite right, but: they sure do love Franco and making him do ridiculous things.
No less than three minutes into today's show (which I got to watch live, again, thanks to the snow. Punxsutawney Phil was not playing around), we were treated to an unfathomably uncomfortable meltdown after Franco found Heather's bloody note.
Franco, reading out loud: You're going to pay for this.
Franco, gritting his teeth and growling like a weird feral canine on uppers: HEATHER...WEBBERRRRRR. HOWWWWWWWWW?
Franco: [Screams a high pitched scream]
Franco: [Thrusts against the wind in wordless agony]
Franco: You...survived. How? I...killed you. I....[Screams at the top of his lungs. It kind of reminded me of Dave Seville, which just made the entire ordeal even more awkward to watch] HEATHERRRRRRR!
Franco: [Runs around in a weird circle, jumps up and down, kicks the air]
Unless this was an intentional homage to Great Sportsperson Jim Harbaugh (never forget!) in which case all is forgiven.
I cringed so hard that I might have seriously hurt myself, is what I'm trying to say. I could only half pay attention to the rest of the show (did I miss anything? I heard Felix make a comment about Liz "running her mouth which was awful, and then Nikolas spilled a lot of personal information about Britt to Liz who then put together that Dante is Ben's father because of course she did and what is the point of this character if we're not awkwardly inserting her into paternity storylines, right? And Patrick told Robin about Sabrina. Also, Dr. Obrecht has been rocking some amazingly ornate buns and half-chignons, which I enjoy. Was there anything else? DID WE GET MORE INFO ON ALFRED?! That would be worth a rewatch).