General Hospital: Snowcap Edition
I always get SO excited when I can watch General Hospital LIVE. I have no idea why this is. You wouldn't think I'd be so delighted about something that prohibits me from fast-forwarding, but it was one of the very first things I celebrated this morning when I saw that we had gotten more snow ("OH! I can have another cup of coffee! OH! I don't need to blow my hair out. OH! Leggings! OH! General Hospital LIVE!"). I can only imagine that it's a psychological thing and it gives me warm and fuzzy memories of being home from school and being able to watch GH without going through the hassle of recording on a--yeah, that's right: VHS tape (Remember how long it would take to decide which tape to tape over when you ran out of blank, um, tapes? It was such an ordeal!). I even remembered that GH has been on at 2PM for well over a year, which up until this point I have been completely unable to comprehend. Everything's coming up Mallory, basically!
So: It's a snow day. I'm excited. Let's all make hot chocolate and recap GH together, shall we? And we'll ignore the elephant in the room wryly raising an eyebrow and saying "Exactly how many seconds will it be before your happiness with this show dwindles to angst and anger? 45? 50, maybe?"
PCPD!I am actually kind of shocked that we opened with the show and not a special weather announcement alerting us to the fact that it is snowing. Nathan brings apologetic coffees to Dante as a way to say that he's sorry for overstepping when it comes to Lulu. Dante raises an eyebrow.
Wyndemere! Lulu notices a weird rash on Ben's arm, because of course Ben is going have some weird sickness, hasn't anyone here watched a soap opera before? But she's quickly distracted by the arrival of Nikolas, who did not find a chupacabra anywhere. He swears that he searched all over, but let's be real, nobody really looks at him and thinks "Tireless go-getter". I'm surprised he even put on a coat and went to take a look and didn't just change his mind when he got to the front door. "Eh, it's probably fine".
The chupacabra is in the catacombs. Heather rages at Carly for a little while and reminds her that "there's a gag in your mouth. Remember what it's for?" Um, maybe if you actually GAGGED HER FOR REAL, she wouldn't be able to show off her sass mouth, Heather.
PCPD: Kiki visits Franco and starts to apologize that her theory was wrong and that Heather isn't framing him. He's perplexed that she thinks she saw Heather. It's all incredibly uninteresting and I can't promise I will be able to write in any detail about any of their scenes that follow.
Hospital! Liz comes in to talk to Sabrina and says the magic words "Patrick is the father of your baby", because once again we are explicitly spelling things out when we are carrying around major secrets and not talking in code or making vague references to "the thing". Surprise: Emma overheard the whole thing and looks baffled. "Sabrina, I thought you said your baby isn't my Daddy's baby".
Patrick leaves Robin a voicemail. "I hope you're enjoying your downtime and doing something fun". She IS doing something fun, because she's talking to Victor Cassadine and his amazing round spectacles. He's asking her to bring assorted Cassadine crazies back from the dead because he wants to "restore the Cassadine family back to its former glory". Robin makes a pretty amazing WTF Face that says "You want me to build a time machine to take us back to the late 90s?!"
Robin says the only Cassadine she's ever cared for is Nikolas and pretty much has no interest in resurrecting Helena and her crazy ilk, no matter how awesome it would make May sweeps. Victor says that Robin came back from the dead, so why can't they? Robin points out the pretty obvious fact that she was never actually dead and these people are. He's uninterested in her pedantic protesting and says that she's the only person smart and resourceful enough to revive them, with a pretty evil underlying tone of "And you will revive them".
The most awkward conversation on earth is still taking place at the hospital. Emma actually says "Sabrina, you said your friend from Puerto Rico helped make your baby". It is every bit as uncomfortable as it reads. She's like a really hardcore interviewer here, too, and keeps hammering at the pretty little liars. "Who's that baby's daddy?" And they just let her!
Britt approaches Patrick to apologize. He assumes that it's about Dr. Obrecht, but she wants to apologize for what she did. Patrick reacts with a classic soap double take. If he were in a comic strip, there would be squiggly lines all around his head.
Nikolas may not have found a monster, but he DID find an enormous knife in the stables. He's not as worried about this as I feel he should be.
In the catacombs, Heather is bugging because she lost her knife. She panics and starts to recap the last few minutes of their story for anyone lucky enough to have not seen it.
Yeah, I am going to just skip over Kiki and Franco, especially after he says "I don't know what I'd do without you". I often fantasize about what I'd do without Kiki Jerome on canvas, Franco, and it is nowhere near as sad as you're making it sound!
Dante tells Nathan that they are cool and totally bros, and says that he and Lulu are making headway with their issues but keep getting distracted by the Franco case and Carly being missing. Nathan wonders why on earth Kiki is in there with Franco and Dante tells him that they got really close during the eight minutes Kiki thought Franco was her father. Nathan offers to help Dante look through Franco evidence since the Silas Clay case is on hold.
Kiki and Franco. I wasn't fast enough with the mute button. Franco tells Kiki "I'm preeeeeeety sure [Heather's] dead. I killed her". Kiki reacts with a blank stare. Maybe she was going for a combination of shock and horror, but she landed on "I can't believe I still have goddamn 'Royals' stuck in my head".
Victor laughs a classic soap villain/Sesame Street Count von Count laugh at Robin's assertion that the world is a better place without Helena and Stavros.
Emma is still grilling Sabrina and Liz, and instead of doing what any normal person would do (run away and pull the fire alarm), Liz tries to cover, passing it off as jumping to a totally false conclusion. While Emma recharges her computer, Liz apologizes for making a terrible situation even worse.
Britt is actually apologizing to Patrick about her paternity lie. "O...kay. What about it?" Uh, that she's sorry? She apologizes for manipulating him.
Lulu wonders if the knife is one of Nikolas's, which he doubts but does admit that he rarely goes into the kitchen. He then drops a pretty horrifying bombshell: Alfred has been leaving things in odd places and Nikolas wonders if he left a knife in the stables. OH MY GOD, IS ALFRED OKAY? I'm worried!
Dante and Nathan sift through the box of evidence and inside a Metro Court bible, Dante just happens to to find a nasty note to Carly that Heather had drafted. Imagine that! Dante wonders if Heather could possibly be framing her son. Dante takes advantage of Nathan's newness/the audience's perceived dumbness and recaps her latest crimes and misdemeanors, as if any of us could forget. We get it, you guys: Heather is crazy and bad and has done bad things. Enough traipsing down memory lane.
In the catacombs, Heather is doing some cleansing yoga breaths to deal with the stress of her plan going straight to hell.
Kiki responds to hearing a very dangerous secret like any drama queen would: jumping up and down in the interrogation room and Valley Girling at the top of her lungs.
Robin still doesn't understand why she should help Victor Cassadine, but before he can make more pleasant threats, they are interrupted by Mac. He and his henchmen go to hide, but not before telling Robin that Mac will be killed if she alerts him to their presence.
Sabrina angsts over her lying ways.
Patrick tells Britt that he has his family back and their thing feels like forever ago, so he is basically over it. She wants to own up to what she did even though he tries very, very hard to let her off the hook to save them both from a very awkward conversation. But she goes on, babbling at length about her misdeeds before ending with a very heartfelt (and adorable) declaration of love for Ben and how she'd die if she ever lost him. Patrick wonders "Why would you ever lose him?" Britt makes a "God damn it, I always say too much" face.
Lulu wonders if they should taken Ben to the hospital, but Nikolas says it's no big. Just a run of the mill latex allergy. "WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!" Lulu says, her eyes huge with wonder. "DANTE IS ALLERGIC TO LATEX, TOO, OMG!"
On cue, Dante is all itchy after he takes off his gloves.
Kiki and Franco talk about things.
Nathan apologizes for giving latex gloves to Dante and we are treated to a pretty riveting closeup of Dante putting on allergy cream.
Kiki storms out of the interrogation room and screams that she hates Franco, you guys, like she hates him sooooooo much! She creates a huge scene that is pretty clearly designed to help Franco escape because he's so innocent and falsely accused or whatever and he needs to find Carly, and she wheezes a little bit and pretends to faint. The silence when she swoons is basically the highlight of her time on this show.
Robin lies to Mac that she was just taking a nap. In jeans?! That is the worst. Robin, please, anybody besides Mac would see through that immediately. Luckily, your uncle is damn oblivious, but think on your feet a little better next time! Robert asked Mac to hand deliver a good luck charm that he wants Robin to have on her person at all times. She thanks him and says, "I could use this. Especially now". Mac is all concerned that someone is giving her a hard time and she tells him that it's true. Victor is listening to all of this like "Jesus Christ, I'm back on the show for five scenes and I'm already going to have to kill someone?"
Sabrina tells Emma that there is no such thing as a chupacabra, and that sometimes grownups don't tell the truth. Idiot. Emma takes advantage of this unnatural segue and steers it back to the baby thing. "But you're telling the truth about the baby, aren't you Sabrina?" "If you're mad at me, you don't have to be because of how mad I got when Dr. Britt was having Daddy's baby. But if you were having Daddy's baby, I'd love it because I love you". I am having a very hard time with all of these scenes.
Britt tries to cover and points out that we all have that morbid part of yourself makes you envision horrible things that could happen to your loved ones. Doesn't everyone imagine terrible, tragic scenarios, she wonders? But motherhood has changed her and Nikolas has changed her and she is so cute and endearing right now that it will be triply sad when her lies are exposed.
Okay, you guys, Ben is really freaking cute and all, and this convenient latex allergy is a handy way to get the truth out in the open sooner but honestly, I am REALLY WORRIED ABOUT ALFRED. I'd much rather have Kiki's airtime devoted to finding a cure for Alfred's illness. Anyway, Lulu gives us some backstory about Latex Fruit Syndrome and she and her brother are both blown away at Ben and Dante sharing all the same allergies. "This is an incredible coincidence!" Lulu says ignorantly as Ben gives her what I can only describe as a baby side-eye. "Are you not putting the pieces together, lady?" he seems to be saying. "Haven't you ever watched TV before? I'm your freaking adorable child."
While all of the police are tending to Kiki, Franco picks the lock on his handcuffs. Yet Carly hasn't been able to successfully untie herself. Okay.
Heather monologues in the catacombs some more, loudly.
As Dante yells for someone to call for an ambulance, Franco starts to escape. Dante, luckily, has a brain and turns his gun on him, yelling at him to freeze.
At Wyndemere, Nikolas is all impressed by how starry eyed Ben gets around Lulu. She asks if she can come with Nikolas to put him down for a nap. They joke around about Nik's awful singing voice and I have to say I really love Emme Rylan and Tyler Christopher as siblings. It works. The baby who plays Ben was having a grand old time during this scene, blabbering loudly and happily. Perhaps it was an acting choice, and Ben was trying to expose the secret of his parentage but, alas, the grown ups don't understand his language.
Robin explains to Mac that the Bad Guy she needs protecting from is Dr. O. He's disgusted that she has become the GH Chief of Staff and has some less than kind words for "the clown running the WSB...he's one stupid SOB for giving her that much power". Hidden in the hallway, Victor is offended at the assessment of his job performance.
Liz promises that Patrick won't hear about the baby from her in a heart to heart she and Sabrina decide to have three feet away from Emma. Emma wants to go visit the maternity ward and Liz offers to take her.
Heather prowls Wyndemere and sees her knife just hanging around on a table (BUT ALFRED IS THE SICK ONE, NIK?!), but can't get it before Lulu and Nikolas come back.
At the hospital, Emma once again asserts that "Stable Lady wasn't lying. Not the way that Britt lied when she told us about the baby". HOLY GOD, HOW MUCH HARDER CAN THIS BE BEATEN TO DEATH?
Britt tells Patrick she wishes she could take the whole beginning of her time at GH back and he tells her they are both in good places with Nik and Robin, and she cutely asks "All's well that ends well?" Because everyone on this show is a chronic overstepper, she asks if he and Robin are planning to have another baby. Totally your business, girl! He pauses and tells her it's just not the right time for them right now.
Robin thanks Mac for bringing the charm over and offers to help her if the charm fails. He leaves and Victor tells her she won't need a good luck charm at all. She sasses that she has no intention to cooperate with him and won't be forced to bring back his crazy relatives. He says there will be no force involved--Helena and Stavros aren't the only dead people who could be revived. Robin doesn't want to be intrigued, but she is, as am I.
Nik reports that Alfred has never seen the knife and it didn't match anything they have at Wyndemere (I like to imagine that Alfred was disgusted that Nik would assume the Cassadines would own such a low class piece of cutlery) and Britt then comes home from work. Lulu thanks Britt for her marriage advice and says that her encouragement to work things out with Dante helped. Nikolas, sensing the theme of gratitude, points out that Lulu was the one who caught Ben's allergic reaction and golly-gees 'You'll never believe this, but Dante has the same allergy as Ben!"
Dante tells Franco not to move and for a second, Franco pauses, but then he makes a run for it. Directly into Dante at first, but then he runs out the door with a grand statement about how he has to find Carly and Dante shoots. It's amazing. The sound of her not-father/serial-killer pal possibly (hopefully! But definitely not! But a girl can dream!) being killed as he attempted to escape from jail perks Kiki up and she shrills "Franco!" I especially loved Dante's "Oh, god, what an asshole. Now I have to shoot him. Thanks, Franco!" annoyance when he pulled the trigger.
Heather makes a pretty hilarious shoutout to Stuart Smalley ("Gosh darn it, people fear me!" made me laugh harder than it had any right to. Are my standards so low?) and tells her to make peace with the fact that she's about to die, because as soon as Heather returns from the Metro Court, where she has to go to get a new knife, Carly is tooootally going to die for real this time. As soon as she's gone, Carly tries some more to break her rope and we're treated to a nice closeup of her hair, which is still perfect after all this time in captivity. Maybe Heather spritzes dry shampoo in the midst of her ranting.
Sabrina approaches Patrick and after some awkward silence after Patrick tells her Emma has babies on the brain, asks "Patrick" and receives the least interested "Yeah?" in response. It was sort of hilarious. Sabrina thend--I honestly wasn't expecting this. I thought it would be drawn out for a few more months--apologizes to him. "I'm sorry, I lied. This baby isn't Carlos's. It's yours."
Robin is still not really sold on helping Victor resurrect some creepy friend of his but Victor gleefully says, "He isn't a friend of mine. He's a friend of yours" and takes out a picture of JASON. JASON! JASON. JASON. JASON. I didn't think Jason was for real DEAD, but knowing that the Cassadines fished him out of the water took the wind out of my sails a little bit. I'd be willing to call it even if he comes back to life and Franco dies, though. Yeah. That's how much I hate Franco, you guys. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?