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« Brief Musings on Nashville: Crazy | Main | Tuesday One-Liners »

April 03, 2014

The More Things Change...

I was traipsing through the Serial Drama archives looking for a particularly unsettling screencap of the Quartermaine crypt (which I found--I should warn you, these images are not safe for your blood pressure) and I stumbled upon my reaction--a rageful and very, very long reaction--to finding out that Diego was the Text Message Killer and aside from the reference to Maxie's unfortunate experimentation with babushkas, which clearly dates it as an early 2008 piece, it's something I could have written today. About yet another shitty story featuring someone who died multiple times.

"We all know that the GH powers-that-be exert effort as often as they give screentime to Jacklyn Zeman. After all, WHY write for a dozen characters when you can just have the same four people have the same conversation every day? And WHY write stories about women being strong and independent when you can just use scripts from the 1950s and have women on your show solely to be victims or incubators? And WHY dress your cast in clothes that seem like they could be sold in actual stores when you can instead borrow hats from kindly grandmothers?

...the GH powers-that-be DO sometimes work hard to do something and when they do it, they are unfailingly committed to it. Unfortunately, that "something" is not "creating an entertaining, engaging soap opera" but is, rather "rewrite history with a blatant disregard for medical science, an overriding lack of originality and a massive amount of disrespect for the audience watching at home".

 Three things struck me:

1. All of this is still true.

2. I have been writing about General Hospital for a LONG time (and I used to write much more and much longer. This show is stealing both my creativity and my sunshine) (I apologize for the reference to Len. The "90s Teen Dreams" station on iHeartRadio played it this morning before Ginuwine and after Hanson. Obviously I was having a good day before I watched GH).

3. All of this is still true. Which I already said, I know, but it started to make me paranoid. Is life just one big episode of Groundhog Day?

I am, of course, still peeved about AJ's murder--his second murder, actually. Because killing off a dynamic legacy character with lots of storyline potential just once isn't enough; we have to keep going back to that well, The Killing Well, repeatedly. The only way this will even REMOTELY approach being okay is if AJ returns to town all fresh and alive in a few years and writes a book with a ridiculous title like My Two Deaths: Tales From The Quartermaine Crypt: The AJ Quartermaine Story: A Tragedy and even then, we'll have to deal with a lot of garbage aftermath stories before we get thirty seconds of comic payoff with a mock book cover--because it's basically a perfect storm of things designed to irritate me. It's short-sighted, it's wasteful (remember how excited we all were when Sean Kanan first brought AJ back from the dead? I find our 2012 childlike innocence both adorable and completely enraging. "You fools! How can you not see this is going to go straight to hell? Literally, he will soon die and then everyone in town will talk about how he's going straight to hell like the war criminal they all think he is!"), it's burying another Quartermaine. It's an ugh. It is a total ugh--yes, it is the kind of thing that completely saps me of any and all verbal ability and leads me to instead quote Britney Spears. Federline era Britney.

But truly: what else can you say about this, aside from "UGH"?

Sonny: I didn't shoot him because I had to, I shot him because I wanted to?

Sure, you could substitute things like "Ew" or "[Dramatic gasp intended to convey both horror and disgust" or "I always knew you were a goddamn psychopath, you garbage person!".

And this conversation:

Carly: I would choose you over and over again. You know that I would. You and Michael have been through so much and he's never lost faith in you.
Sonny: I need that.
Carly: HE needs that and he needs you, and AJ doesn't get it tear it apart. Look at me. We take this to our grave.

UGH, right? And also "SIGH". And also also "Jesus, AJ's corpse, stop ruining things for everyone! Don't ruin even more of Sonny's life from beyond the grave, you selfish dead bastard!"

But "UGH" just says so much with so few letters. And two of them just happen to be "GH"...


@Poker face: SK saying that he "wasn't over the moon about the writing" in that TV Guide article REALLY MEANT that he DIDN'T LIKE the writing for his character!

It doesn't say he was fed up and quit. It says he saw the writing on the wall, nothing good was coming for AJ, FV released him from his contract. It's after, in the TV guide interview that SK said he wasn't over the moon with the writing. It doesn't mean he was fed up.

Anyway, just because SK left doesn't mean they had to kill AJ.

Recast - Recast - Recast!!! When a legacy character is integral to the storyline, and the actor wants to move on, RECAST!!!

We may hate the new actor for a time, but eventually we'll get used to them. There have been some awesome recasts on soaps in the past. A recast for both Robin and AJ would have made MUCH MORE SENSE!! C'mon. Surely to heavens two unknown, but basically GOOD actors could have been taken on board instead of "NATHAN AND MOMMA". Or TJ's mom. There are SO many new characters on here now - but still there's no real writing for the core company. I'm so frustrated. Why not have AJ team up with Ava, have a romance there. . . instead of her hopping into bed with the boy/man Morgan?

Ava and AJ could have taken on Tracy at ELQ and given her a real run for her money. Then with the Luke issue of trying to take over ELQ - Tracy and AJ could've teamed up. So much awesome GONE!!

Stupid storylines!!!

But the problem is that as he was being written in his last months, AJ WASN'T integral to the storyline. I don't know of any self respecting actor who would have taken that job or an agent who wouldn't have warned him away from it like the plague.

RC would rather have this stupid Nina story than write for legacy characters. Fine. Whatever. Send them off to Moldavia, put them in comas, but don't kill them just because the actor playing them decided to call you on your crap. It's not about you getting your wittle feelings hurt. It's about being respectful to the longtime audience and the show.

I GUARANTEE YOU we wouldnt even be having this conversation if Sean Kanan didnt struggle with his weight; the character AND actor would still be in the forefront if he was hitting the gym every day. But instead we got fat jokes and panic attacks. Speaking as a gay man myself u dont get more shallow and stereotypical than CarToony. Sad!

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