A Big (Nurses) Ball Of Fun
As I predicted, I lost a considerable portion of my life this weekend wading through classic Nurse's Ball videos (and while I wouldn't consider last year's ball a "classic", I did spend a tremendous amount of time watching Brenda throw a dinner roll at Carly. As I have said many times in the past, my standards for entertainment are incredibly low, which makes daytime's failure to entertain me quite concerning) and purchasing Greek yogurt (FUN FACT: the cashier at Stop and Shop commented on the quantity of Greek yogurt and English muffins I was buying, which wasn't actually that many, but apparently enough to raise an eyebrow. In my defense, the limited edition cinnamon vanilla English muffins are amazing and it was worth the heaps of scorn I brought on myself. Go buy a package. I'll wait.). I did not, however, recap General Hospital. I thought about General Hospital, clearly, and I even talked about it a lot (and not just sending swoony "Remember Robin?!" texts as I finished watching clips. Like, I texted about modern day General Hospital. It was mostly complaining about the grade school love triangle, but still, it happened), but writing did not happen. Can I make it up to you with a recap?
Toast yourself an English muffin (or grab a spoon and a container of yogurt)* and away we go!
*This post is not sponsored by the breakfast industry**
**I now want to create a breakfast blog called CEREAL Drama and I can post definitive rankings on breakfast cereals, host heated debates on pancakes vs. waffles...
***Best idea ever.
We open on butts--the male butts of Magic Milo and the Magic Wands that ended Friday's show. Epiphany is in her glory, cat-calling the handsome men of Port Charles ("Lose those drawers!"). Olivia looks uncomfortable, ostensibly because she is still reeling from the disturbing and, I guess, heartbreaking news that Sonny cheated on her, but she could also be upset by Michael's inclusion in this performance--he looks 14! It's just weird. Over her shoulder, from another table, Sonny just watches her and he looks more like a villain in a slasher movie than he ever has.
While Lucy babbles about Richard Simmons, Olivia gets up and Sonny immediately follows her. Like, he's in her personal space at the speed of light. "Olivia, can you talk to me?" "No, you are gross". "I know you're angry, but isn't this a little much? If you don't take me back, kiss ever having a storyline again goodbye". He says he needs to talk to her and they should go somewhere else, and I am reminded of Jack Donaghy warning Liz Lemon never to go with a hippie to a second location. I am not exactly sure what Sonny's end game is here--is he planning to just whine until Olivia forgives him/his eye is caught by another attractive woman and he realizes he doesn't need her? He asks her for another chance and petulantly ends with "Can you do that?". It's douchey.
Lulu and Maxie hug.
Brad is horrified by Lucas and Felix stripping together and asks Britt, who looks like an eight foot tall glamazon, if the night could get any worse. IRONY BECAUSE IT CAN AND WILL!
Like, in a matter of seconds. Nik and Spencer arrive and immediately run into Liz, Ric, Cam, and Emma.
The "Whose Life Is Sadder?" competition Britt and Brad are embroiled in continues and Britt urges Brad to do something about it. With a swig of liquid courage, he goes to do just that.
Lucy sprints onstage to introduce a special surprise--one of Port Charles's favorite sons, on the road to stardom, stint in jail...Blackie Parrish. I will admit to having a moment, or several, of absolute terror at that introduction. Since it pretty clearly wasn't going to be John Stamos (more's the pity! The world needs more John Stamos. I feel that, since I am among friends, I can share that I had a big crush on him before I knew what a crush even was. I was in, like, kindergarten and I used to turn on VH1 in hopes that the Kokomo video would be on and I could catch a glimpse of him playing the drums. Even the mullet didn't bother me. I won't go so far as to say that I liked it, but I guess I took my Stamos however I could get it. I can still picture that pink tank top he wore whenever I hear "Kokomo", which is very rarely, but still. I eventually moved on to Christian Bale and ended my elementary school career hopelessly in love with Tim Daly. I was a little weirdo), I worried that it would just be some rando extra with a black wig or, more horrifyingly, Ronn Moss as a recast Blackie which would be so much of a CAN NOT moment that I'd probably spontaneously develop asthma and need an inhaler. It was quite the relief when Lucy said something about a scheduling conflict and ran around semi-hysterically trying to fix her show.
Lulu and Levi meet and, politely, she referred from punching him in the face on sight. She asks Maxie to be a part of her performance. Maxie says no. Lulu begs and charms and blackmails and Maxie eventually and delightedly says yes, which Levi looks miserable and dead inside.
Spencer and Cam spar at each other, complete with sneers and snide comments about family heirlooms found in Europe. Ric, because he is normal, stares into space and, mercifully, herds two of the children offscreen.
Yogurt product placement! Everyone refuels with protein, including Nathan, whose shirtless presence gets Maxie all flustered. I have to say, his eating of yogurt was pretty natural and almost human-seeming! He was like a robot who has gotten very, very good at mimicking the behavior of humans. That...sounded like way more of a compliment (or at least far less of an insult) before I typed it.
Lucas and Felix toast with water and laugh, while Brad lurks awkwardly behind a curtain. No, that...happened.
I can't recap Kiki and Michael's flirting on account of the grossness. Until it is over, let's talk about Solange Knowles attacking Jay-Z in an elevator! Whaaaat? Crazy!
Fake Luke offers himself a profane and alliterative toast to the success of his plan. Julian sidles up and they use husky voices to say very little. Poor Tracy arrives and when she says she's ecstatic about their engagement, it's like the saddest thing I have ever seen. I practically stand up and cheer Ned when he interrupts their making out.
Lucy introduces the new act who offered to pinch hit for Blackie: it's Brad. Britt's eyes almost bug out of her head as he comes onstage to sing Karmin's "Brokenhearted" and she earns bona fide Awesome Friend status (if you can look past the felonies, lies, and other horrible behavior) when she jumps up and starts to dance, giving him a thumbs up. It's adorable. She claps along as Lucas and Felix look dumbfounded. Random backup dancers come out of nowhere. I need to confess that I can't stand this song--it gets stuck in my head for days at a time. I am going to be stuck with it until the end of the week (and I only JUST got rid of "Royals", which was making me so miserable that I almost took hostages). Anyway, the crowd reaction is mixed. Most people seem to dislike it and wish they could be swallowed up by the ground, but the people who DO like it are really enjoying themselves. There was some shimmying and fistbumping going on. Lucas is horrified, though.
Epiphany sexually harrasses Milo.
Ned says Luke will no longer be working at ELQ!
Brad runs up and asks Lucas what he thought of his performance. Like wink-wink, nudge-nudge "Get it? Get it? Brokenhearted?" Britt watches in the background, wondering what the hell Brad is doing and wills him to stop, but the babble continues. Lucas says Brad will get no second chances, which makes him too sad-faced to even enjoy the applause he receives.
Lucy is horrified by the appearance of Mac and Mr. Marbles, but Mac points out that if Dr. Obrecht can perform, he can participate in an embarrassing and, let's just say it, creepy routine of his own (ventriloquist dummies are awful. I couldn't even enjoy Soap reruns because of them). It goes on for about ten seconds, although it feels MUCH longer, before Epiphany storms the stage and attacks Mr. Marbles. She stomps him--to death?--and gets huge applause. I want to chime in with cheers of my own, but then there is dramatic music and Mac looking for a pulse and I am collapsing under the weight of how funny this show thinks it is. When we come back from commercial, Mac is sad. Felicia assures him that she didn't laugh at Mr. Marbles's brutal murder. Lame.
Milo shakes Epiphany's hand and thanks her profusely for the dummy murder (this one-note joke has been stretched to like a full length song) and she makes a cojones joke. Bad touch.
Tracy is confused--why won't Luke be working at ELQ? Ned says he's been fired...and that Tracy is no longer CEO.
Shawn and Julian make angry alpha man faces at each other.
Britt tells Brad he did a great job and she's in the middle of suggesting that they leave when an annoying Tasmanian devil sprints in and tackles her. It's Spencer, who squeals that he misses her. She kneels down to hug him and looks meaningfully at Nikolas when she says she misses Spencer so much. He suggests that they have an adult beverage and catch up, and takes the opportunity to force Nikolas and Britt to spend some time together, which is uncomfortable in and of itself, but that means that they also have to listen to HIM, which...ugh.
It's time for the Haunted Starlets, singing Icona Pop's "I Love It", which is like the anthem for bachelorette parties. Sonny's into it--he keeps smiling happily and glancing at Olivia, like "Pop songs, amirite?"
Fake Luke is horrified at the idea that Tracy wasn't CEO, but it's true: the Board voted to remove her from office. Ned voted against her, Brook Lynn did, Dillon did...all to fire Luke. And the new CEO is Michael! I was not expecting that! I don't know what I was expecting, or if I was actually expecting anything, but I made an "Oh!" of surprise.
Lucy introduces Eddie Gomez. Eddie Gomez sings a song. It's pretty.
Julian starts to ask Alexis about Sonny and Olivia's problems, because gag, and he saves the conversation from the toilet by mentioning how happy he is, which is echoed by Lucas. Felix asks Lucas about Brad's performance, and Lucas says Brad is a lying liar who lies and Felix is like, "Obviously, he's a character on a soap opera. But aside from the lies, do you like him like him?"
Awkwardness abounds with Nik and Britt. She tries WAY too hard, he radiates discomfort and grunts most of his responses to the idle chitchat she offers so as not to be sitting in complete silence. When she asks what's the deal with Liz going to the ball with Ric, Nikolas acts hilariously put out that she'd assume he was interested in Liz. "Do you really think I could move on that easily?!" Um..yes, Nik. Why don't you dial down the self-righteousness like ten notches and take a look back at your checkered romantic history, which is tinted with a light aura of sleaze.
Lucy introduces Emma and Cameron's tango. Everyone is very delighted by how freaking precocious it all is. All of a sudden there is some really awful feedback and suddenly Spencer appears with a microphone, in a rhinestone encrusted suit because this is the world we live in, and tells them that they were fantastic, but he has a surprise of his own for her and introduces a song for Emma, performed by...Player.
And here we are, the much hyped appearance by Ronn Moss on the bass, in a tank top, performing "Baby Come Back". The audience reactions are amazing: Olivia reflects on her own broken heart, Dante is pretty hilariously feeling the beat, Sonny looks to be on the verge of tears (not because of his heartbreak, but because he is really feeling the music. He's nodding his head along to the beat and everything), Scott and Lucy look tremendously uncomfortable. It...goes on for a really long time. There is a lot of falsetto. And a lot of tank tops. It weirdly gets a huge smile out of Levi, which basically confirms that he is a psychopath who will try to murder Maxie.
Olivia runs away, too emotionally overcome by Player. Sonny chases after her, but she won't talk to him.
Fake Luke is pissed that Michae would do this to him--"And Tracy", he adds immediately and makes a comment about them being family. Michael says they weren't family when Luke groped Kiki, and Tracy is sticking to her delusion that Kiki is a liar. Kiki is having a ton of fun watching this go down--she's all ecstatic smiles and hair tosses. Ned apologizes to Tracy and says he'll do whatever he has to do protect the Q Legacy. Luke tells Tracy that they can fight the ELQ Board, but she's made peace with being stripped of the CEO title. She's remarkably zen about it and, as Fake Luke slowly dies inside, happily says that they still have each other. She even sighs contentedly!
Nikolas wonders how on earth Spencer got a bunch of has-been pop stars to travel to a charity ball in upstate New York--the man himself is high-fiving Ronn Moss, who says he's happy to help, because he'd do anything for Lesley. Who he calls a real peach. OHMIGOD, IS LESLEY A GROUPIE?! I demand follow up on this, like ASAP. Can she get a spinoff?! Spencer blah blahs about the new Player CD--oh god--and Ronn Moss wishes him luck in getting Emma back.
Speaking of, she walks in and Spencer throws himself at her feet, quoting the song lyrics--screaming the song lyrics, actually--at her.
Liz wants to run off after Cameron to make sure he's all right with his performance being ruined, but Ric stops her and asks her for another chance.
Britt is ALSO asking for another chance, because she misses and loves Nikolas, and wonders if he'll ever forgive her.
Felix has literally JUST started to ask Lucas about Brad when Brad runs over and starts to kiss Lucas, which has Bobbie all atwitter from across the room.
Scott is in Lucy's dressing room and says she made the wrong choice: she should have picked Scott instead.
DUN DUN DUN! To be continued...hopefully with no more Ronn Moss.