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« Pregnancy Test(ing My Patience) | Main | The Fosters: Things Unknown »

June 03, 2014

There Is A D.I.D. Joke Somewhere That I Am Too Tired To Make

This one is sort of my fault: I've been strangely indecisive all day. About really, embarrassingly dumb things, like which of the ten (!) books on my coffee table I should read first (this is not even getting into the Anastasia Krupnik series, which I have a burning desire to reread after meeting Lois Lowry next week. Sorry for the namedropping but LOIS LOWRY!) or what to wear, or...even more ridiculous things ("Would you like lemon or lime in your seltzer?" "Oh, gosh, I don't know! Ummm...hmm." I am a joy to be around), so of course when I sat down to watch General Hospital, I wasn't sure what kind of show I was really in the mood for (I mean, I am always in the mood for a GOOD show, but that seemed too much to hope for). 

General Hospital, in all of its unfocused glory, was all too willing to offer me as many alternatives as possible in the space of a single hour.

GENERAL HOSPITAL: Are you in the mood for something SAD?
MALLORY: Um...maybe. I could use a good cry.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: All right. Here it is: Sabrina and Patrick's son is dying.
MALLORY: ...
GENERAL HOSPITAL: I know.
MALLORY: ...
GENERAL HOSPITAL: Do you need me to grab you tissues? I'll grab you tissues. You're crying every tear in the world, right? Sad.
MALLORY: Yes, it's sad, because who isn't sad about dead babies, but REALLY? What was the point of this entire story? Why could you not have just hidden Teresa Castillo behind plants and purses for the duration of her pregnancy which, the more I think about it, would have been hilarious?! But no, you needed to make her pregnant, have her lie about the paternity for like eighteen seconds, then disappear for months and then all of a sudden go into premature labor just to see her child die? What kind of a story is that?!
GENERAL HOSPITAL: You're angry when you're sad.

GENERAL HOSPITAL: Maybe you're in the mood for some dramatic tension, with Sonny and---
MALLORY: Nope.

GENERAL HOSPITAL: How about a total "You go, girl!" moment? Because Molly had a major YGG! moment today, let me tell you.
MALLORY: Is it about Ric and the ridiculousness of Julian claiming that he's the big bad?
GENERAL HOSPITAL: Yes!
MALLORY: Can we talk about how ill-equipped this and every other writing staff is to write for Ric Lansing? What about him is so complicated that everybody just throws up their hands and says "Never mind, let's just backburner him?" Who doesn't want to write something awesome for Rick Hearts? *I* want to write something awesome for Rick Hearst! Like my outgoing voicemail message. And then ask him to record it, because it needs a sense of gravitas and awesome that he is uniquely qualified to provide. Well, him and Benjamin Bratt....
GENERAL HOSPITAL: You made this weird.

GENERAL HOSPITAL: What about a laugh? Do you want to laugh, out loud? Like, the LOUD laughing out loud? 
MALLORY: Yes! I, too, laughed out loud at Rafe's sudden drug addiction. The dramatic music that played--the EARRINGS! It's like he stumbled outside of a particularly embarrassing early 90s PSA about the dangers of doing whip-its.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: No, I meant--
MALLORY: The confusion on Morgan's face when Ava announced that she was pregnant and looked at Carly, like, "Baby in her belly?"
MALLORY: Sonny saying "If the pregnancy test isn't positive, Kiki's gonna be dining alone and you're gonna be dining...in hell"? 
GENERAL HOSPITAL: That was supposed to be scary...
MALLORY: Or Nina--NINA!--NINA! winding up at Danny's birthday party because WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING? NINA, who we have heard about every day for like SEVEN YEARS, being out and about with a fresh haircut and no muscle atrophy, stumbling upon the birthday celebration of her husband's girlfriend's baby?
GENERAL HOSPITAL: I meant Franco. All those shenanigans! Doing caricatures in the park, like whaaaaa? Offering Kiki ice cream when she thought her mother was dead, LOLOL!
MALLORY: I do not like you.

Comments

Wow, I need a cigarette after that. A delightful takedown, Mallory my dear!

Per usual, your summation of GH was PERFECTION.

The show is overstuffed and none of it interesting (though Molly's reaction to Julian is the most I have ever liked the character.) Ugh. Julian is just the worst. Wait, scratch that...Nina is the worst. Let's buckle up for it's gonna be a bumpy ride! A ride full of lunatics. Like, who shows up to a child's birthday party to confront their estranged husband? So, there's no hope that Nina (if we must have the character) could at least be somewhat reasonable. And all over Silas who is as dull as dishwater.

Also, if we must have Rafe return after being inexplicably missing, can he wear a new shirt?

Also, also, Lois Lowry is SUCH A BIG DEAL! Congratulations.

strangely enough Michelle Stafford said she dyed her hair mousy brown to make it look at least limp and discolored. I think it kinda worked.

Sabrina could have spent her time reverting back to her old self and eating bonbons instead of this lame baby story.

It's been one year since Kiki, Silas and Franco rolled into PC, and Franco has got to go! Kiki can hang out with a serial killer but constantly throws shade at her mother?

Morgan must be good in bed, because he sure sounded silly in those scenes with his mother, Ava and Sonny.

I have zero interest in sneaky Rafe, non dead Nina and a host of other nonsense including Franco.

Your commentary was GREAT. Too bad the show itself has less interest than an hour long test pattern.

But you gotta give RH credit. His WTF attitude about the crappiest role he's EVER had gets more obvious every time he's on screen.

And, Sonny's line delivery makes Danny sound like a thespian. I can't tell anymore whether Sonny is having a dramatic moment of needs a strong laxative.

A normal soap would have fixed the baby storyline by making him or her Dante and Lulu's other embryo. That way, we wouldn't have to sit through an entire year plus of more baby drama with Lulu's medically impossible magic pregnancy, either, multiple birds, one stone. But of course, turns out instead this whole annoying mess just was absolutely pointless from the jump like everything else on this show.

Franco is really reminding me of the recent but preFluke version of Luke, the one that I've grown to really not like over the years after loving Luke way back when. Exactly what this show needed more of!

I had to Google "whip-its" because...well...I'm so out of touch with the lingo!

I'll tell you what the point of the whole Sabrina baby story was: to make us feel more sympathy for that character & to drive an even bigger wedge between Patrick & Robin. (Because she wasn't there to support him when his son died). Hate it!!

Oh, Mallory. Even when being indecisive about this show, your dislike for Sonny remains pure and undiluted.

How is Franco supposed to be amusing, really? The best part of that scene was the lady telling him to get a real job. I kind of want to tell that to Howarth.

As far as Sabrina goes, I agree about why go there when we barely saw her through the pregnancy. It would have been better to have hidden her lower half, considering she was onscreen barely through the whole thing.

I'm highly amused that the most interesting part of Rafe yesterday were his earrings. I expected someone to ask to borrow them.

On your book dilemma, I saw a fabulous idea for this just last week. Write all of the book titles on scraps of paper and put them into jar, then randomly select one and read that book. This suggestion made me so happy b/c I am currently subconsciously phasing myself out of my bedroom, with my over abundance of books. It is insane.

I don't think this creates much sympathy for Sabrina. Dead baby storylines are intended to showcase stellar writing and acting, all this does is emphasize how bad this show is. We're supposed to invest in poorly written, poorly produced scenes featuring a blanket that most people never thought was a good idea, born to a couple that isn't very popular? It just sort of emphasizes how weird it is that TPTB are determined to push a couple that dated for a few months as the love story for the ages, and that a lot of kids are killed off on GH, mostly not very well.

Michelle Stafford is already getting on my nerves. The best part of the show, in an unintentionally hilarious way, is all the people standing around awkwardly in the background.

There's something wrong with Ron, I swear. The baby needed to be un-Draked, which would've been easy, but it didn't need to die. Audiences hate dead children stories in general, but due to Castillo's real life pregnancy, that was wrong bordering on cruel. There's been spec about how they'll de-Drake the kid for months, but nobody thought they would go there and put her through that. I watched some of the scenes and while I wasn't moved, if I were pregnant I'd be a basket case if forced to do that. Ugh!

Lois Lowry??!! THAT IS AMAZING I AM JEALOUS. (However it clearly doesn't seem like I should be jealous of anyone watching GH right now.)

The only reason I can fathom for this painful Sabrina/Patrick SL is that THIS will happen:

* Nina and Silas will fall back in love, leaving Sam in the cold.
* Sam and Patrick will turn to each other when everything around them has fallen apart.
* Just as Sam and Patrick are getting involved in an incredibly HOT affair, Robin shows up with undead Jason in tow.

Hey, it could happen. It's the only way ANY of this baby stuff makes a lick of sense.

Absolutely completely agree with the above. And Sabrina is way overdue to turn evil and slutty.

"Sam and Patrick will turn to each other when everything around them has fallen apart.
* Just as Sam and Patrick are getting involved in an incredibly HOT affair, Robin shows up with undead Jason in tow."

Please let me know if this starts happening. Because this might get me watching again!

Just finished watching today's ep (Thursday). I already hate Nina. They have written her like a teenager. Ugh.

So agree about the baby's death. I watched today and just thought "WTF did they do this damn storyline for?"

Anne, I like your explanation! Wish that would happen, but the capriciousness of the recent s/ls make me filled with doubt that anything on this show could ever happen for a REASON.

I felt the same way as Silverstone as soon as they telegraphed the car accident. Why would you make a pregnant woman go through acting this out? Aside from that horribleness, this story is just of no interest. During the mourning scenes today, I was reading Arrested Development quotes. As I was cracking up, I realized it probably wasn't what I was supposed to doing during these scenes.

Nina and Clay are both terrible, but I loved the Sam and Alexis scenes today. Also, Morgan has grown on me.

If I hear one more insult to AJ out of Sonny, Carly, Franco, or Olivia (the last two didn't even really know him!), I swear I'll stop watching.

Even though I normally mutter "don't care" and FF whenever I see Sabrina onscreen, a tiny part of me felt the story was worth it just to see the awesomeness of Jason Thompson today (Thu.). He is one of the best cryers in the business. He made me feel Patrick's pain, even though Sabrina is not one of my faves. I felt bad the actress had to play this story while pregnant. I wish Thompson would win an Emmy for the work he's done the past couple of years.

I am so sick of Franco's shtick and him mocking GH characters he doesn't even know. He needs to go STAT.

Mallory, I love the conversations you have with GH. You'll always win that war of words!

Actually if you read comments on the Soap Opera Digest & General Hospital Facebook pages, there are a lot of people who love the character of Sabrina & her & Patrick as a couple. I totally don't get it but there seem to be more of them these days than those of us who hate the pairing. (Or at least they are more vocal)

I feel sorry for me. I haven.t watched this mess since they killed off AJ. His ghost giving it to Sonny was fun. Now no thinks. I don't hate Subrina,with or without Patrick.I just don't care. Couldn't stand to listen or watch MS on Y&R so I also don't care about her. Franco makes me ill. he was Todd on OLTL, ATWTS and now GH. Haven't liked him on any of them. He actually made me turn off the show I watched for 35 years ATWT. Now MW is on GH and she is and will always be carley from ATWT. Does it seem to anyone else, tptb are TRYING to get us to just do it. Turn it off ? I have always hated Sonny with the fire from a thousand suns and it won't change. Whats left? As for all the fans on the facebook GH pages, ever wonder what these people do for a living ?

always love your blog... stopped watching GH. I like Anne explanation on Patrick and Sam --b/c that makes some sense. I don't care for Sabrina but I HATE how GH kills off children... I have never forgiven GH for killing Jake off (another Q). I really don't understand why the baby boy was killed off-- if Patrick and Sabrina are the couple I am to root for (which I don't) but wouldn't having a baby and bonding with Emma and the baby make sense??!!!

Hate GH for killing off AJ-- loved SK. Love RH as Ric and he once again is getting the short end of s/l.

I HATE Franco-- he is IMO the worst character EVER on GH ... I can't believe Carly is involved with a person who hurt Jason. I don't like Carly but that was it one good character trait loyalty to Jason.

With the addition of all these new characters -- I don't care even be a causal viewer anymore b/c I don't know who anyone is nor do I care....

still love your take on stuff...

GH: You're angry when you're sad.

Mallory, you are the best!

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