There Is A D.I.D. Joke Somewhere That I Am Too Tired To Make
This one is sort of my fault: I've been strangely indecisive all day. About really, embarrassingly dumb things, like which of the ten (!) books on my coffee table I should read first (this is not even getting into the Anastasia Krupnik series, which I have a burning desire to reread after meeting Lois Lowry next week. Sorry for the namedropping but LOIS LOWRY!) or what to wear, or...even more ridiculous things ("Would you like lemon or lime in your seltzer?" "Oh, gosh, I don't know! Ummm...hmm." I am a joy to be around), so of course when I sat down to watch General Hospital, I wasn't sure what kind of show I was really in the mood for (I mean, I am always in the mood for a GOOD show, but that seemed too much to hope for).
General Hospital, in all of its unfocused glory, was all too willing to offer me as many alternatives as possible in the space of a single hour.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: Are you in the mood for something SAD?
MALLORY: Um...maybe. I could use a good cry.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: All right. Here it is: Sabrina and Patrick's son is dying.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: I know.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: Do you need me to grab you tissues? I'll grab you tissues. You're crying every tear in the world, right? Sad.
MALLORY: Yes, it's sad, because who isn't sad about dead babies, but REALLY? What was the point of this entire story? Why could you not have just hidden Teresa Castillo behind plants and purses for the duration of her pregnancy which, the more I think about it, would have been hilarious?! But no, you needed to make her pregnant, have her lie about the paternity for like eighteen seconds, then disappear for months and then all of a sudden go into premature labor just to see her child die? What kind of a story is that?!
GENERAL HOSPITAL: You're angry when you're sad.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: Maybe you're in the mood for some dramatic tension, with Sonny and---
GENERAL HOSPITAL: How about a total "You go, girl!" moment? Because Molly had a major YGG! moment today, let me tell you.
MALLORY: Is it about Ric and the ridiculousness of Julian claiming that he's the big bad?
GENERAL HOSPITAL: Yes!
MALLORY: Can we talk about how ill-equipped this and every other writing staff is to write for Ric Lansing? What about him is so complicated that everybody just throws up their hands and says "Never mind, let's just backburner him?" Who doesn't want to write something awesome for Rick Hearts? *I* want to write something awesome for Rick Hearst! Like my outgoing voicemail message. And then ask him to record it, because it needs a sense of gravitas and awesome that he is uniquely qualified to provide. Well, him and Benjamin Bratt....
GENERAL HOSPITAL: You made this weird.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: What about a laugh? Do you want to laugh, out loud? Like, the LOUD laughing out loud?
MALLORY: Yes! I, too, laughed out loud at Rafe's sudden drug addiction. The dramatic music that played--the EARRINGS! It's like he stumbled outside of a particularly embarrassing early 90s PSA about the dangers of doing whip-its.
GENERAL HOSPITAL: No, I meant--
MALLORY: The confusion on Morgan's face when Ava announced that she was pregnant and looked at Carly, like, "Baby in her belly?"
MALLORY: Sonny saying "If the pregnancy test isn't positive, Kiki's gonna be dining alone and you're gonna be dining...in hell"?
GENERAL HOSPITAL: That was supposed to be scary...
MALLORY: Or Nina--NINA!--NINA! winding up at Danny's birthday party because WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING? NINA, who we have heard about every day for like SEVEN YEARS, being out and about with a fresh haircut and no muscle atrophy, stumbling upon the birthday celebration of her husband's girlfriend's baby?
GENERAL HOSPITAL: I meant Franco. All those shenanigans! Doing caricatures in the park, like whaaaaa? Offering Kiki ice cream when she thought her mother was dead, LOLOL!
MALLORY: I do not like you.