Precisely What No One Needed
If you were to look at General Hospital in a charitable light (I know, it's weird to me that I typed that, too. I approach very few things charitably--my default state is usually a blend of judgment and skepticism, which probably doesn't make me a very happy person but DOES mean that I have an A++ eyebrow raise. I don't exactly know what came over me), you could technically say that they are giving the people what they want.
I mean, how long have I been clamoring for more Quartermaines? Since always, basically; every chance I have, I demand more Quartermaines. And we've gotten...well, we've gotten more scenes that are Quartermaine-related. It's just that, somehow, a story about Alice's heart has become a showcase for Michael and Morgan and goddamn Kiki and you guys, I can't handle that. I don't even like Alice, aside for a mild appreciation that Alice scenes mean one or more Quartermaines will appear onscreen and even that appreciation is hidden under a few layers of irritation at the whole shtick but honestly, I hate Kiki so much that I can't even hear people talk when she's onscreen; everything is muffled by the sound of my inner monologue saying "Why? Why is she on this show? Why is she so terrible? WHY?!"
Although not even my righteously annoyed inner monologue could drown this out:
Alice: I've got Miss Lila to take care of, and Mr. Edward and Dr. Alan, and Miss Emily and Mr Jason. And Mr. AJ and Mr. Justus...
"Isn't it HILARIOUS that one of the long-standing families on this show was basically decimated over the years? We totally killed all of them off as cheap sweeps stunts and brought some of them back as ghosts, which were even cheaper stunts. We have so many shenanigans, you guys. Do we at least get a high-five for shouting out Justus? We totally read up on GH history, for real!"
And we all wanted more Robin, because she was written out in probably the worst way possible. And...well, we got more Robin. With an awful haircut and an even more awful story and honestly, can we discuss Victor for a second? Isn't he a noted Evil Person, with Evil Plans and Criminal Acts? Shouldn't he have henchmen? It seems like his Scarsdale (!) clinic is crawling with henchmen, but when he needs to send a message to Robin that he can control her through threats to hurt her family even though, from their conversation today, it sounds like she's capitulating to his control entirely and following all of his orders but whatever, probably because of the aforementioned Evil Plans and Criminal Acts, he has the bright idea to run Patrick off the road and has RAFE do it. Because an Evil Person with millions of dollars at his disposal and lackeys all over the damn place would OBVIOUSLY turn to a TEENAGER with a DRUG PROBLEM. Because TEENAGERS with DRUG PROBLEMS are SO EXCELLENT AT FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS. OBVIOUSLY.
"You said you wanted Robin!" "I didn't say I wanted Robin's scenes to be terrible." "Well, maybe you should have specified that you wanted them to be good." "ISN'T THAT IMPLIED IN THE WISH ITSELF?" "Why do you screen so much?!"
But I cannot--and I have tried--understand why the show would do...the thing that happened at the 30 minute mark. The thing that I don't want to talk about but I HAVE TO. I need to get my feelings out. It's like an emotional cleansing: guys, Sonny and Carly talked at length about the time that he shot her in the head and then he kissed her and it was AWFUL. It was so AWFUL and GROSS. Do they have fans? Maybe they have a fan, and that fan was like "Finally!" and I am happy for that person/hopeful that they are under scientific observation because that is some fascinating brain activity there, but the rest of the world was shocked and horrified and couldn't even appreciate its merciful end because the end of the kiss led to Carly declaring her love for Franco, which is bad enough, but that made Sonny laugh uproariously and I hate agreeing with Sonny and also, when Carly pointed out that Sonny loves ("loves") Olivia, he responded with "Well...yeah, but..." and it was as douchey as you'd imagine. All of it was awful and bad. Can we never speak of it again? Thank you in advance (and I am sorry if any of you were reading this while eating dinner).