Days of our Lives: Second Time in Salem
Well folks, I decided to watch Days of Our Lives today. So before I start live-blogging it (which really will just be recap since it's not like I'm posting in real time, but I don't know what else to call it), this is my relationship with the show: I have watched two episodes of it. Ever. Those two episodes were when Marlena was possessed by the devil. Or some other demon? I don't know but it was freakin' awesome. My point, though, is that I really am coming in knowing absolutely nothing. Running in soap circles means I know a few of the couples and a few of the names but truly not many. So bear with me, as I will probably get some names wrong or not know names at all or accidentally call them by names of characters they played on other shows or just identify them by the actors' names or just be all "this other middle aged white dude" about it. I don't know what I'm doing here. So this should be fun.
A blonde is flashing back to catching a young dude in bed with BLAIR DAIMLER, let's call her (no, let's not, I do know she's Eve on here but I had to get that out of my system) (any of you who ever read my OLTL posts know full well that Blair was my favorite character on that show, so let's all just face the fact that I'm biased in her direction here, especially if she's a bitch).
Apparently it was bad news for this blonde. I think this blonde is married to Scott Reeves. In real life, not on the show. I don't think he's on this show. Although he might be.
Some other blonde is flashing back to a friendly moment with Lucky Spencer Actor #3, Greg Vaughan, my second-favorite Lucky.
Dylan McKay's dad is talking to Kelly Taylor's ex-fiance and I can't really what they're talking about because Dylan McKay's dad has truly bizarre speech patterns. I wonder how many times this version of Dylan McKay's dad has come back from the dead. Just once on BH90210, I think. Sky's the limit on daytime, though.
Hey, it's Natalie Vega! (Notice how I am just going to pick my favorite last name for all the women, since all soap women have had like forty last names.)
Temporary Maxie Jones is coming to visit Eve. I think her name is Theresa? Lord this is going to confuse me. You know those two-hander plays where two actors play thirty-seven characters and you have to play mental olympics to keep up? That's what this is already feeling like.
Blonde is confronting.... JJ? To ask him why he did it. "It," I presume, being Eve. Which, have you seen her? Why is an explanation necessary? There's some brunette individual listening in, in plain sight since this is a soap and that's how we do.
Opening credits! Y'all, I could not be more psyched that they've kept their classic opening! That's so awesome! Did they ever try to do something cheesy-contemporary at any point and then go back?
Other blonde is monologue-ing to herself about how she doesn't have feelings for Eric, who I suppose is Greg Vaughan's character? Anyway, she's flashing back.... or having a fantasy. She's making out with some dark-haired guy who I think has been on this show forever.
Natalie Vega has a flashback:
Serena: Eric, can't you just tell me who has the elephant?
Okay, her name is Serena and that's really the sentence she just said.
Oh lord, I'm only six minutes in. I should probably not break down every single second of this, I'll be here all night!
The brunette individual assures herself that she doesn't care what's going on with JJ.
Hope? Is this Hope? She's having a conversation.
Jack McKay and Kelly Taylor's ex are talking about Hope. So I guess Kelly Taylor's ex/Daniel Cosgrove is... dating Hope?
Okay, other blonde is still talking to herself in public.
Serena is trying to get to know dark-haired man. He's game. She's up to something.
Theresa accuses Eve of having done something to Paige, whoever Paige is.
First Blonde is yelling at JJ because he "let" Eve seduce him. Which he claims was about this Paige person. Paige is important to a lot of people, that's for sure.
Serena is taking a phone call in front of some sort of porcelain elephant, so I guess this is the elephant she was worried about earlier? Anyway, she's worried and getting somewhat threatened on the phone.
Other Blonde, who I have now learned is called Nicole, has stopped by Dark-Haired Dude's apartment.
She drops some stuff and there's a "moment" followed by a literal moment. The soap moment. Close-up. "Is the oven still on? Who farted?"
Okay JJ's dad raped Kayla? Or something? Is Kayla still on this show? JJ and Paige had a terrible fight, so apparently he got super drunk and... something with Eve. Wait, is Paige Eve's daughter. Hoo boy.
So Hope and Daniel Cosgrove are definitely a thing, sealed with a smooch.
Nicole and Dark Haired Dude almost kiss, but he seems unsure about this whole thing. He needs time. This wasn't the answer she was looking for. She looks hopefully back at him and he essentially shuts the door right in her face. Daniel! That's his name! She continues talking to herself outside his door. Is she supposed to be batshit crazy or is this just standard soapy self-talk?
Eve tells Paige she loves her. So basically she slept with her daughter's ex-boyfriend? Come on, Eve, there's only one Brooke Logan! Anyway she pulls the Soap Vixen I'm A Mom And You're Not card on Theresa and off she goes.
Original Blonde is continuing to berate JJ for his negligible bed buddy decision. Apparently JJ and Eve have been hooking up for a while? Oops! Eve is naughty! Original Blonde is displeased by this!
Some children run up to Daniel Cosgrove and Hope and everyone is delighted!
Theresa and Dark Haired Dude's daughter exchange some bitchy barbs at the hospital.
JJ is having a self-pity/weak-acting party at his mother. Speaking of mothers, Eve goes to see Paige and is laying it on way too thick, and helpfully offers to buy her a new phone COMPLETE WITH A NEW NUMBER! She's just feeling super generous today, and when we're feeling generous we get people brand new phone numbers!
What could be more natural?
JJ's mother asks if he has feelings for Eve. Smell the fart.
Daniel Cosgrove and Hope are... filling time.
Theresa continues to insult Daniel's daughter when Nicole approaches.
I like Jen Lilley.
Daniel does not want to help Serena with some issue or another regarding Eric. I think Eric is Lucky Spencer #3 aka Donna Martin's Firefighter Boyfriend Cliff.
JJ insists he hates Eve. So they've been hate-fucking? ADORABLE! "I saw your eyes when you were looking at me in that bed," he says TO HIS MOTHER about having caught him mid-hate-sex with her worst enemy? Soaps, y'all. Soaps.
Back to Serena and Daniel. Something something something elephant.
Original Blonde promises JJ that Paige will never find out about him and Eve, and that maybe things aren't that hopeless after all between him and Paige. Oh, Blonde. Don't you know this is a soap?
In general, Paige seems really bland and perhaps not worth all this trouble. My other take-away from this episode is mostly that Theresa is the only character I'm immediately drawn to. What are the good stories that weren't on today? I wanted to see Will and Sonny! That's a thing, right? Those are people on this show? They're paired up?