The Young & the Restless: Since the Radio
Before I launch into watching the show and hammering out my real-time stream-of-consciousness reactions, I will give Y&R the same treatment I gave to DAYS last week. My history with the show: there was one summer at my grandmother's house that watched a few weeks' worth of episode. This was sometime in the mid-80s. I couldn't tell you much about storylines, but I vaguely recall a Nina/Danny/Cricket triangle. And some breaking up and reuniting between Victor and Nikki (are they still doing that dance?). I think there was an Ashley and a Lauren and a Paul. When I was that age, I was only allowed to watch 2 total hours of television per week, and I stuck with Y&R for a few months because it offered a loophole: CBS came in loud and clear on my radio. So I listened to it. Like it was some other century! Well, technically it was. It was some other millennium. I got radio fatigue after a while, though, since of course the show wasn't meant to just be heard and it was really tough to keep track of who was who and what was going on. The point is that it's been nearly 30 years since I followed the show at all, so I am jumping in mostly blind here. I'm frightened!
A man is angrily bursting into a room. He's drunk and someone is helping him to another room.
He's feeling guilty about something and wants to tell the police. A younger lady pops into the frame and wonders aloud what he means to confess to.
Oh! Cricket and Paul! Right? I know these characters!
They're talking to Dixie Martin, Cliff Warner, and Kelly Cramer!
It's old home week! (I have no idea who any of them are playing.) Cricket looks like someone took a mallet to her face. Dixie... oh, Kelly! I think her name is Kelly here. Kelly pretends that she lied about somebody named Phyllis being guilty of...something. She pretends that she lied to hang on to Jack. Cricket doesn't believe her, which is good because her lying is laughably bad. "Is somebody threatening you?" asks Paul. Kelly's eyes dart from side to side. Cliff Warner looks suspiciously over at... Victor! Who is poking at a smartphone in a nearby armchair, as you do.
Credits! Original song still intact! I dig it.
A blonde has a flashback to talking to some other girl about who killed... Austin, I think? And then another flashback to another girl yelling at her for sleeping with her husband. Blonde seems popular!
Okay so that other girl is at a cafe complaining to some dude that Abby slept with her husband. Oh! Okay, so Blonde is Abby. Got it. She opens her powder and someone spelled out "I know what you did" on the mirror! (I just watched Pretty Little Liars so got a little disoriented when there was no "-A." at the end of that.)
Cricket keeps talking about prosecuting people. I guess she's an attorney now? District Attorney or something? Anyway, Kelly is sticking to her story and getting slightly less awful at lying, as Victor looks on smarmily.
Drunk Guy's wife cheated on him, I guess? And he maintains that he's going to jail. Neil! His name is Neil!
Back at this cabin where Abby is, the other girl lists a bunch of names and something about Summer sending a text. Oh look, there she is! Oh, so she's Summer? Summer sounds like she has laryngitis. She accuses Abby of leaving the lipstick message. There are other people there too, now, so I'm really lost. Holy crap! There was just a 30-second ending to that scene that was just a close-up of each character individually making a soapy face. It was awesome.
Who left the oven on and THEN WHO FARTED?
(My dog just now, that's who.)
Okay so one of these chicks is named Mariah. Abby stomps off, she doesn't like that people are angry at her for sleeping with Austin. The attractive chiseled young white people continue to talk about Who Knows What They Did Last Summer. Or whatever the hell happened.
Neil's wife is getting paid off by his buddy to leave. Wait, Hilary? Is that her name? That's what I'm calling her for now. Neil continues to drone on about going to jail again, and when Hilary asks why, he says that he killed a baby. Hey, killing a baby would be bad news! Bummer?
Paul takes Cricket aside and calls her... Chris? Oh, because her real name was always Christine, I think?
Cliff Warner doesn't understand what Kelly is up to, and Kelly Cramer is mad. Okay, they haven't said her name yet so I actually have to look this one up or I'll go nuts.
Oh, she's Phyllis? And he's Jack? WHY HAVE THEY BEEN SPOKEN ABOUT IN THE THIRD PERSON THIS WHOLE EPISODE? I seriously thought they were talking about people who weren't in the room! Anyway, yet another scene ends with a closeup of Victor with a completely ridiculous expression on his face.
Phyllis is very angry at Kelly. "When I woke up from that coma and lost a year of my life.... you tried to get me out of the way, and convince him I was a jealous psycho who tried to kill you!" SOAPS! Oh and then naturally...
Phyllis: I'm gonna make you pay because you're a crazy bitch.
Later she says something about how Kelly is going to be locked up for "days in that jail!" Really? All she's going to do for a false accusation of attempted murder is make sure this chick gets a few days in jail? Does Genoa City have sentences as light as Port Charles, I guess? Wait, is her name Callie and not Kelly? Maybe. I think they just said that. My brain is melting. Dixie Cooney's face doesn't move much these days. I mean Callie's. Or Kelly's.
Back to Laryngitis/Summer. The young people are trying to figure out who is writing the messages, and they're not getting along. Summer says "You couldn't even get a guy who was willing to cheat on his wife to do it with you!" to Mariah. WHAT A WEIRD INSULT! I mean seriously. "You're so lame even my husband wouldn't sleep with you!" Ha. Anyway, fisticuffs almost ensue.
Abby is talking to one of the dudes wearing too much foundation and he thinks she was sending the messages. Her alibi is that she would never associate with that shade of lipstick! GOOD POINT, LADY.
The attractive young white people are still arguing at the cabin. Okay, mostly Summer and Mariah. The other girl also has a scratchy voice. Courtney? They're trying to piece together what happened and then they hear a noise outside. They all go outside and one of them yells "Hey!" but a magical force field is keeping all five of them from advancing beyond the front porch to see who it is. Oh well! I guess they'll never know!
Victor goes up to the rest of the gang and says several things very, very slowly. Paul arrests CallieKelly.
Hilary wants to know what Neil meant by "killed a baby" and I guess he passes out? Oh wait! So, Neil was driving to an AA meeting and hit Cricket and she lost her baby? He's the reason her face is all jacked up? I can't tell if it was a drunk driving hit-and-run or just an accident followed by a hit-and-run. But here we are.
So the kids go back into the cabin because of the invisible force field on the porch and they continue bickering. Apparently Summer used to think she killed Austin but no longer does. Oh, soaps, where people constantly forget whether or not they murdered someone!
Hilary wants to help with this Neil situation, but the other guy (they've said his name but I can't quite.... Duonn? Or something? I don't understand what it was) isn't having it.
Kelly (it's not Callie, I finally gave in and looked it up) is giving her statement. Wait, is this the same character that Cynthia Watros used to play? I love her on Finding Carter. Anyway, Kelly is claiming to have poisoned herself in order to pin it on Phyllis. And Phyllis is angry at Jack for not being happier that she's off the hook now. I'm exhausted. Jack feels bad for Kelly, still, and is still suspicious of Victor having played some hand in this.
Paul brings the recording of the confession to Cricket. So, is Paul a police detective now or something? I feel like in the old days he was some sort of corporate type. Wasn't he a major part of business storylines? Huh. Oddly, things have evolved in 30 years. I have weird memories of him in boardrooms.
And sure enough Victor and Kelly had some sort of deal that yielded this confession.
The youngsters are strolling through the park when they happen upon a bloody and unconscious Abby. And by "bloody" I mean that some red corn syrup has been smeared on her right temple.
I may have chosen the wrong day. I feel like there were some characters I'd heard about that I expected to see and didn't. It was a little heavy on the young crowd's plot for this old lady, I think.
So what are the current stories everyone loves/hates? What storyline do you wish was on this episode?
Thanks for letting me visit Wisconsin!