7:53pm: Who's ready?
8:00pm: They're doing a sketch about Ellen DeGeneres and Matt Lauer, which mostly seems about how they definitely will not show up for this thing. I mean it's for charity! That's the nicer thing. "Charity," unspecified.
8:03pm: Tyra's hosting, it's real! This is the first time she's ever hosted an awards show, and is nervous about her lack-of-weave. In her childhood, they watched GH and Y&R. Tyra is basically overdramatically wonderful. She is rapping. Should she rap? I don't know about that.
8:08pm: Steve Harvey is presenting, and requests that the producers stop filming the losers' faces.
8:09pm: Outstanding Actress! Finola, Elizabeth, Linsey, Amelia, and Lisa. Even Finola Hughes's clip made made me weepy. But, she did not win. Amelia Heinle won. She's insanely pretty. But she is not Finola Hughes. I feel crazy right now.
8:13pm: Something about a game show? At least everyone seems awake. Outstanding Entertainment News Program! Entertainment Tonight wins. I outright did not know this was still a thing, but I do not claim to be on the cutting edge.
Who's here? Is anyone actually watching? Are you drinking to get through, or just suffering alone in some more healthy manner?
8:16pm: Fan favorite award! Favorite talk show... audience? I don't even understand this award. I voted, but I don't remember being asked about an audience. Can we get Serial Drama readers an award now? If this is how things are working now, I'd like that very much.
8:20pm: The hostesses of The Talk are presenting, and mostly Aisha Tyler is really, really, really, really tall. And they're joking about audiences. Because they're about to give an audience award, and I'm still confused. Did they trick me into voting in this category? Sara Gilbert is staring to look almost exactly like her wife. But, Craig Ferguson wins. I still don't understand the category, but my dog has farted in protest.
THERE IS BETTY WHITE. So no matter what anyone says, this show is the most important thing on television right now. Because Betty White is there.
8:25pm: Kirsten Storms and Ryan Paevy present Outstanding Morning Program. CBS Sunday Morning wins, because it is a thing on the air. Some old white men accept the award and speak awkwardly into the microphone.
8:26pm: They show clips from the Best Bitch Slap nominees. I actually saw none of these when they happened, so this is a bit of a delight. (Brooke looks like she deserved it?) Oh hey! B&B won for Quinn slapping drunk Brooke!
8:30pm: Tyra is wearing very little, and now my dog is literally just standing in front of me, staring. She must be baffled as to why I'd be watching this. They're doing a video package of some fifth grade teacher. (I see some comments are coming in. soapbaby is with us!) Anyway the teacher is there and is crying and looks so beautiful and I love it!
8:34pm: They've already cut show clips for Outstanding Supporting Actor. That was fast! Chad Duell wins for General HospitalI! Good for him. Who can help but get behind him in Michael's new Sonny-hating mode? Truthfully, he's very good but this past year has given him a more generous showcase than the past sad-sack material. He thanks Ron Carlivati, Frank Valentini, Kristen Alderson, and God. Twice. Oh, Jesus made the cut, too.
8:36pm: Someone is singing "What I Did For Love" and they're doing a montage of actual soap scenes. ACTUAL SCENES. You guys. Among a hundred other things, they did the "Sonny sees Brenda outside the church in the rain alive" scene. And I actually really like this. No snark, y'all. None at all. Though I would still rather see nominees' clips.
8:40pm: Mario Lopez is presenting Outstanding Morning Program: Spanish Language. Una... nope, sorry, I did not understand the title of the winner. But AC Slater presented, so all is well! The dimples are all happening. My dog keeps shoving her face into my keyboard.
Glamorous life of a soap blogger: my dog has just pooped on the floor.
8:45pm: BETTY WHITE IS GETTING AN AWARD, EVERYONE SHOW RESPECT.
Those track suits do not bedazzle themselves, you guys.
Charo and Regis and Fred Willard and Marie Osmond are on hand to introduce her. Y'all. Betty White. Betty White. What is there to snark about? She is human perfection. Shut up. I'm not crying, your face is crying!
Okay, I'm crying. The tribute was a bit odd, though. Nothing from the past 35 years?? Aww, Fred Willard is acknowledging her time on B&B and her fantastic work in animal rights. And Charo says Betty is the one who "put the coochee in the coochee coochee coochee."
So Betty White, the world's most wonderful human, accepts her Lifetime Achievement Award. She loves the award, but she's not quite as hot for it as she was for the anatomically-correct SAG dude. Well, what's to say? Nobody can make fun of Betty.
Oh, O42 has joined us in the comments, hooray! Who else is playing along?
As a New Yorker, I do have to remind you that the Subway Series is happening right now, so this is totally unfair in every way. Currently: Yankees 3, Mets 2.
8:59pm: Tyra introduces Miss J, and Tyra is wearing a one-shouldered onesie of some sort. B&B recently had its 7000th episode, so they're there to celebrate. Jacob Young, Karla Moseley, and Linsey Godfrey (on no crutches!) are there to be adorable. Godfrey gets a bit choked up. She's so cute.
9:01pm Outstanding Younger Actor goes to Freddie Smith, who plays Sonny on Days. Aww, I like him and all the people crying for him!
9:04pm Outstanding Younger Actress goes to Hunter King for Y&R. Was she the one who sounded like she had laryngitis?
Commenter Anne understands that Finola was robbed.
9:08pm: I confess I got distracted and I have no idea what these people are introducing. Oh! Outstanding "Informative" Talk Show goes to Steve Harvey. I wrote a play about a dating expert and I read Think Like A Man, so.... that is my context. I do not recommend his dating advice if you were born after 1900. If you were born before that, you are freaking awesome.
9:12pm: Outstanding Entertainment Talk Show Host goes to Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, who are not there. I have just poured my first glass of wine.
9:13pm: Fan Favorite for wedding disasters. Not going to lie, I voted for Franco's "hell no," but I foolishly had not yet seen Ridge fall out of a helicopter.
What do you guys think of this Queens of Drama show?
9:17pm: Okay, so the cast of that show is there. WHY IS CRYSTAL HUNT INVOLVED?? Can I get a "what the....???" from my OLTL people?
Anyway, Outstanding Directing Team goes to The Bold and the Beautiful. I mean, sure! If Ridge is getting pushed out of a helicopter, we care about your mise-en-scène.
I feel like I missed the Matt Lauer joke. Who caught why they're doing this?
9:21pm: Alan Thicke, for some reason, presents the writing award, which goes to The Bold and the Beautiful. Um. Okee doke? I know it's sort of my job to be meanest to the writers, but I'm a writer and sometimes it's....well, you get it. But still. B&B?
9:24pm: Outstanding Game Show goes to upstart Jeopardy! Who'd have guessed? I'm so proud of them. They really are the Little Game Show That Could.
I see commenter C is in the house! (Can we talk about Kyle and Fish now???) (Y'all know I remember your particulars if you're regulars here!)
Okay, seriously. How did I miss the Matt Lauer thing??
Oh, thanks, soapbaby! "Charity!"
9:28pm: Outstanding "Informative" Talk Show Host goes to the hosts of The Chew. Hrmph. Still bitter!
I am now thinking maybe I got out of the late-night dog walk since she pooped on the floor? (Alas, life does not work that way.)
9:32pm: Outstanding Culinary Program goes to Barefoot Contessa. My day job has a legal relationship with her. THAT IS ALL I KNOW.
9:33pm: 50th anniversary of Days! Hell yeah. Oh dear. I might be a little teary-eyed. Thank god they covered demon Marlena!!!
9:40pm: Joan Rivers tribute. I will be quiet now.
Crystal Hunt is still on my screen. Not okay.
Yes, C, let's talk about Kim! Were you so sad when she got the Mindy Project boot?
Oh, the In Memoriam always makes me sad! Oh gosh, Matthew Cowles. My heart hurts for the spectacular Christine Baranski.
Is it nuts that they showed acting clips on literally only one category? Come on, y'all!
9:50pm: They are giving the fans a vacuum cleaner. What the eff year is this?
Are we feeling like this is not actually ending in 8 minutes?
9:53pm: Outstanding Talk Show "Entertainment" goes to Ellen because Ellen and so obviously she is not there. Did you guys see Amy Schumer on her show? Can we talk? And laugh?
Um, I think we're going to run long, y'all.
9:56pm: Uh-oh, some suit is there to convince us that daytime is in great shape. Outstanding Lead Actor. Anthony? Billy? Jason? Christian? Well, it's Anthony Geary.
I will let you guys comment.
10:02pm: Outstanding Lead Actress. Is it Laura? Peggy? Maura? Alison? Gina? Well, of course it's Maura. Multi-network love. She is so happy and I love it.
Seriously, we're spamming now?
Carvilati? I feel like people keep saying this.
10:09pm: Pretty sure Tyra just said "Gene" Francis, so here we are.
Whoa! A tie! Days won. For one.
Y&R won for the second!
10:13pm: That wasn't too far over! And y'all? I still love soaps. So flippin' much. Thanks for still playing with us!
Okay, I walked my dog. Thank you guys for hanging out, whether live or not!