General Hospital: The MOST Romantic Stalkers on Television!
I don't know why I'm punishing myself twice this week, but here we go again.
Alexis has her bar hearing today and Diane thinks she's got a shot. Diane and Alexis are still friends? I can never remember their latest status.
Liz gets into her car in an empty garage and Franco sits right up from the back seat like Michael Meyers, scaring the crap out of her.
Romantic! I swoon! Is Lucky the only non-serial killer who's ever been in love with Elizabeth? I guess Ric wasn't technically a serial killer, but he was often unhinged and dangerous. (Lucky was a child abandoner, however, and has a case of "THE DARKNESS.")
Kristina appears to be drunk-dialing Parker. Molly runs up, grabs the phone and throws it into the bushes.
Molly. That doesn't erase the voicemail.
Laura and Tracy are at the hospital waiting for the test results to see if Luke died on Cassadine Island or whatever.
Dante and Lulu are also discussing this, as well as Nikolas's "death," which literally nobody should give a shit about since he's not dead for the fiftieth time. Yesterday I went on a trip down memory lane, back to when we called Dante "Dominante" and he was so utterly charming and delightful and dreamy and also got attempted-murdered in the chest by his father, the lovingest Dad in town, and Lulu was played by somebody who made her accidentally interesting once she stopped screaming about Johnny, and oh yeah, Dante didn't press charges against Sonny for the murdering for the dumbest reason in the history of all soap operas, and also Olivia's character got permanently ruined for deciding to let Sonny get away with it.
Kristina refers to what Molly did as having "javelined" her phone, which is amusing, and announces that Alexis was the reason Parker bailed and she hopes they throw the book at her at her hearing. Speaking of sucky Olivia and Alexis's hearing, Olivia runs in with a "Am I too late?" Because this is a soap opera and apparently the producers get fined every time there's a legal proceeding that doesn't include the dialogue "This is highly irregular! But I'll allow it," Valentini opts for not getting fined and the dialogue is delivered.
Liz jumps out of her car since a serial killer is in the back seat, but he insists that he has no choice since otherwise she won't talk to him. THEN DON'T TALK TO HER. This show is seriously going to have him wear her down, aren't they? Like this is some sick charm offensive and if a woman says no to you and won't talk to you all you have do is make it impossible for her to avoid you and she'll eventually "come to her senses" and love you. Everyone's favorite message! Feminism at its finest! If a woman says no, TAKE AWAY HER AGENCY, SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR HER, YOU DO!
Molly tells Kristina that what Alexis did was out of love, the kind of love where you let someone hate you to prevent them from hurting themselves. I did a little math and learned that Kristina was 17 in 2010 so unless they de-SORAS-ed her, she's now 23, so yeah, no leg to stand on here, folks. Alexis was way out of line, despite having done it to prevent her daughter's pain. Back off.
Olivia starts in on how Mayor Lomax has a grudge against Alexis because of the breastfeeding incident, which I refuse to ever address again because that little courtroom drama was some of the most embarrassing and insulting shit I've ever seen. I fast-forward.
Tracy looks amazing.
But I'm not watching this because I don't care about Luke, nor about the possibility that Tracy is in love with someone who is, in fact, not a character on this show. TRACY ANGELICA QUARTERMAINE DESERVES BETTER!
Molly yells at Kristina that Parker used her and doesn't care about her at all. I love Lexi Ainsworth these days (so much less smug than her first stint!) but she cannot play drunk (though "soap opera drunk" is, of course, its own animal upon which it's not fair to apply normal standards). Kristina says nasty things back at Molly, and Molly insists that Kristina's a mess who always chooses the wrong thing, that she leans toward chaos, and latches on to whomever will hurt her the most.
In what is actually a rather masterfully appropriate transition, we cut right to Liz talking to Franco and accepting his apology. Heh. Not bad, show. We see you.
Anyway, Liz explains that it made her uncomfortable to be in his studio with him since he's creepy. She doesn't mention that HE KIDNAPPED HER CHILD THE MOMENT HE WAS BORN and that should automatically rule him out as a potential romantic partner no matter what his mental state was at the time -- even if he looked like a stoned movie star with way too many vanity projects. She tells him she cannot see him anymore, in a rare moment of common sense regarding this situation.
Lulu and Dante are talking about flea market purchases. I fast forward.
Molly and Kristina continue to yell at each other and Kristina breaks down crying and Molly comforts her because that's what you do when somebody's little heart has been crushed.
Aww. Two of the coven!
Alexis gets suspended indefinitely. They'll reconvene in a year to decide whether she should be reinstated. Alexis should 100% be disbarred, but that was long ago and why start with verisimilitude now?
Olivia had an "instinct" that she has a granddaughter out there somewhere (this one is not a wolf puppy, but an actual human baby I suppose). Anvil-icious! Frozen Embryos alert! (And no, not Jordan Catalano's band.)
Holy hell, Franco actually tells Elizabeth she is "AN ANGEL" and is his hope for salvation. So creepy. Thankfully she says nobody can be his angel or his salvation, he has to handle that shit on his own. These two have chemistry and that's a shame, but of course Becky Herbst pretty much can generate chemistry with any living organism not named Tyler Christopher, so it's not like the options are limited here. Anyway, she encourages him to keep painting and he kisses her goodbye and she's obviously not okay.
Sure, sure, that's the end of that story.
Alexis is now as drunk as her middle daughter, though Grahn's not playing it, and she orders another martini after seeing that Kristina has not texted her back. We know that she has had at least three martinis already since soap opera drinking establishments always leave every empty glass on the table instead of clearing them like normal restaurants that are worried more about cleanliness and getting the dishes washed for re-use than they are about a probable mob shootout or hostage situation or, who knows, a monkey with a virus carrying toxic balls. In the bushes, we see that Parker is calling Kristina's phone (which was completely visible at waist level and easily retrievable but I guess when you have rich parents, no need to just casually pick up a phone that is now four whole feet away from you! Time to get a new one!). More Ashley Jones, please!
Also, you can usually retrieve your voice mails even if you don't have a phone, Molly.