General Hospital: Disorderly Conduct
Stray cents' worth on yesterday's General Hospital:
- Oh, Scott. Your dear son Franco locking a man in a dog crate for days is not, in fact, "OCD behavior." OCD behavior might include, say, having to touch a doorknob twice before leaving a room or compulsively counting your number of M&Ms or being unable to use a public restroom. Please consult your DSM-V. Perhaps dig a little deeper, like under Psychopathy or Antisocial Personality Disorder. Also, I don't know where you got "monkey cage" from because Franco said "metal dog crate" about 30 times. Nevertheless, it's a delight to see yet another person accept "Okay I locked him in a dog crate for days but goodness gracious I wouldn't murder him!" as a perfectly reasonable thing to say that essentially absolves him of all guilt.
- Speaking of which, Laura and her terrible advice to Elizabeth about how deeply wonderful, decent people can occasionally do heinous, selfish things and we just have to accept that... well, no, Laura. Get better at advice. Please consult a list of Franco's actions and then tell Liz again that it could ever be a safe, healthy relationship. But again! He only locked a man in a dog crate for days but goodness gracious he didn't murder him! Not that big a deal, don't get so judgmental, sheesh! (I am, however, grateful that the show still considers Laura grandmother to all three of Liz's children.)
- Speaking of who maybe did murder him, what if the real bad guy wasn't a known serial killer/kidnapper/assaulter/rape-staging rage monkey, but instead an attorney and mother of three with a drinking problem? Those are the real menaces to society! And thank goodness for Alexis, she has a serial killer ex-husband who can mansplain alcoholism to her. He's here to save her life! He owes her, what with having tried to murder her in the throat! And since he knows best (I assume he got his addiction counseling training at the same special school in the sky where Franco learned how to do art therapy for children), he knows full well that the best way to help a woman with a bad habit is to blackmail her and force her to live with the man who hurt and terrorized her more than anyone else ever has. Every day. Lord knows adding massive trauma and stressors to her life and isolating her from her friends and family is the textbook solution to a growing addiction and in no way is going to exacerbate it at all. Nope, no chance. Not at all a situation in which even a non-drinker would turn to the bottle just for a brain-escape. Nah. Thanks, GH, for your sensitively-told story about a woman grappling with substance abuse!
- In the "most important storyline of the day" category, Kiki and Dillon are hungry. They are really hungry, you guys. They are sick of eating out of vending machines. Do you know how hungry they are? Super hungry. They are so hungry that they could eat anything. They never want to stop eating. They are so hungry that they will literally talk about being hungry for almost an hour before actually thinking to open a damn cupboard. It's riveting television.
- Sometimes churches have soup kitchens. And at some of these soup kitchens, apparently the management is so bad that they don't even notice two of their only volunteers leaving their posts to corner a homeless man and harrass him for hours. And as for Jason and Curtis just happily freeing the man who planted the bomb that killed Morgan? Come on now. I guess this new, cuddly Jason 3.0 I keep hearing about is real. Really, it's just sympathy from one hired killer to another. He's not the one ultimately responsible!
- But who is? I'll tell you who is! My favorite soap trope! A mystery lady, and all you can see of her is her hands! She doesn't say anything, but she sure is menacing to Budge or Trudge or Bungee or whoever the hell that dude is, just by nature of the way she drums her fingers or lightly bangs her fists down "angrily" on a desk!
Oh, Afternoon Television Program. You take so much, but we stick around because occasionally (and less and less) you give.