General Hospital: An Adult Mean Girl Kicks It Up a Notch
Carly, Carly, Carly. What are we going to do with you?
The return of original Jason has reverted her full force to her Queen Bee of the Cool Kids Quad that she held on so hard to back when Jason was married to Courtney (YES I TYPED OUT HER NAME).
Yesterday she hilariously went to Sam under the guise of being her friend and Drew's friend, to explain that Sam will never love Drew the way she loves Jason and will ultimately break Drew's heart as a result, so she should get rid of him now. In fact, Carly has a special understanding of this particular set of empirical facts because she and Jax were basically her version of Sam and Drew. Safe, comfortable, but not the deeeeeeeeep connection to the other dude. (No, Carly, you went to Jax because Laura Wright had more chemistry with Ingo Rademacher than Maurice Benard, unlike Carlys #1 and #2.)
So don't you see? It's not because she wants her Cool Kids crew back together at all. It's because she really cares about Sam and Drew's feelings!
Really, it was a selfless act.
Carly: Sam, you know I loved Jax. I did, I felt safe and secure and I was happy, and he was a nurturing father to my kids and our daughter. When I married Jax, I thought were were going to spend the rest of our lives together! But I wasn't honest with Jax or myself about the hold Sonny has on my heart. It definitely had nothing to do with Sonny marrying Brenda during that time since she is obviously meaningless and it totally didn't bother me at all, nope because soulmates. No big deal about the Claudia marriage or the whole Kate relationship, that didn't make me jealous at all.
Carly: And it doesn't make any sense, it's not logical because Jax is a dream come true and Sonny is a nightmare but it doesn't matter. My first loyalty is always to Sonny. If he needs me, I will be there. If he smiles, I'll cave, if he holds out his hand I will always take it. My sick dependence upon and addiction to Sonny is way more important than the lives and safety of my children, because it's hot, Sam. Don't you get it? Hot! I can't stop how I feel about Sonny and because of that, I broke Jax's heart. Don't do that to Drew.*
So heartfelt, Carly! So heartfelt.
But then look who showed up.
And of course she was immediately all...
But you know, it's totally for his own good, you guys. It has nothing to do with the fact that, in fact, she is obsessed with Jason and cannot have him and this is the next best thing. Really when you think about it, it's perfect. If Jason is single, he might meet another woman who is less passive than Sam and actually threatens Carly and Sonny's ownership of Jason. So let's stick with what works, and be the most popular kids at school. I mean....
You don't even go here.
But it's not her fault. It's not her fault that she is wiser and stronger and loves harder than anyone else in town, and is definitely in charge of everyone else's lives and feelings. Sure, she tried not getting her kids (and herself) shot in the head anymore by marrying a man with a more stable approach to life, but who wants a Brandon when you can have a Dylan? Get real, people. She's a good person who just knows best and anyone who disagrees with that might want to consider looking inward.
That pretty much sums it up.
Later she got up in Nelle's face.
Carly (of Ava): On the plus side you're probably going to sleep with her boyfriend and rob him blind. Oh wait, that actually doesn't make sense since it's something you've never done? What was I saying? Oh, I think maybe I was just projecting because you're pretty much just like me and that's my M.O.!*
She then went on some drivel about how, yes, she was a mess at Nelle's age but it's completely different because Jason believed in her and Jason is a deity. (If Nelle were smart -- which we don't know one way or the other because they don't bother telling us anything about who she is -- she would read between the lines here and figure out that what Carly is saying is that Nelle should go out and get herself the World's Biggest Enabler, and possibly make sure he's a brain-damaged hitman so he can protect her from consequences for her bullshit for the remainder of time.)
Most hilarious was Carly running through the litany of Ava's crimes, all of which are virtually identical to her own or her husband's.**
That's our Carly!
In totally unrelated news, if you haven't weighed in on the WORLD'S MOST IMPORTANT POLL, you have till tonight! And even more unrelated, for my fellow 80's and Lifetime fans, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be live-tweeting A Tale of Two Coreys (as in Feldman and Haim, obvs) tonight at the @SerialDrama handle, because how could I resist. Join me if you, too, are afraid to leave the house in this weather! (It's at 8pm eastern)
Have a lovely weekend!
*These are all clearly verbatim quotes from the actual dialogue and you shouldn't interpret the italics in any way at all.
**I can't believe I feel the need to even say this, but Laura Wright is an amazing actress so, you know, please don't send her death threats just because she plays a bitch? (Not that I think any regular Serial Drama readers would pull any of that insanity. Anyone who can comment-snark on soaps as well as y'all can has their head on straight about the whole "it's just a soap" thing.)