Serial Drama

The Town Where Personal Space Goes To Die

If there is someone out there who is legitimately entertained by multiple (MULTIPLE!) episodes about Ryan's sperm and how well it functions, I would like to meet them. In a laboratory setting, preferably, where they can be closely monitored by medical professionals, because I'm pretty sure their synapses aren't firing properly.

I mean, I'd like to explain the whole thing away as a dare, like, "Okay, okay, I've got the best plan: let's do a show all about Ryan's sperm and see how low the ratings can get! It will be awesome!" (or, even better, repress it) but the part of me who has watched AMC for years and understands all too well the depths of love the powers-that-be have for Ryan knows better and knows that somewhere, some misguided soul thinks that this show is genuinely good, rather than ultra disturbing.

DISTURBING

Annie telling Ryan that she's pregnant and him IMMEDIATELY accusing her of cheating and telling her he'll divorce her and getting the vapors

Ryan: Look, um -- I'm not going to use this against you, ok? I'm not. We can settle everything fairly. And, you know, we'll both tell Emma together. And we'll do it in a way that she can understand. And we'll make sure, most importantly, that she knows that we love her no matter what, all right?

Um, I know I ranted to hell and back about the ludicrousness of Victor getting Sabrina pregnant on Y&R* but, you know, vasectomies don't always work. It's almost like he was all, "YES! A reason to dump your bland ass for Greenlee. Thanks so much for being a cheating whore, you made my life so much easier! We'll make sure to tell Emma really nicely together so that she doesn't get mad at me, which means that I can eventually sue you for custody down the road".

I know Annie is insane and that her machinations regarding Ryan's vasectomy are crazy, but Ryan doesn't know that! So who is he to judge?

DISTURBING

Aiden's concern over the discovery of the vasectomy that wasn't was so weird.

(I promise that he was trying to express concern at that moment. Trying and failing, but trying nonetheless)

It wasn't just that he was concerned with the fallout for his girlfriend, it was like he was sympathizing with her over the injustice of someone else having Ryan's spawn and not Greenlee. Or him, for that matter. He was like, way more depressed over a friend's failed vasectomy than most people would be. I'm just saying, there's fanfic potential here.

DISTURBING

Petey's glasses

Okay, that may not have anything to do with the discussion at hand and I have actually really, really enjoyed Petey and the way his scheming has gotten Adam to go back to his old tricks, but I just felt the need to go on record as being totally against that.

DISTURBING

Of course the most disturbing thing of all was that FOUR ADULTS sat around and waited for test results to see whether or not Ryan can have children.

Why on earth would you hang around a hospital waiting room so you can see whether or not your girlfriend's ex-husband got his wife pregnant? When your wife insists that you stick around to see if her ex's sperm works, why don't you say "You know what, you stay here, but I have better things to do. I'm going to go stare at a wall for a little while and then maybe clip coupons even though I'm richer than God just because there's something fun about seeing what's on sale and putting the best coupons in a little envelope to bring to the grocery store"? Ryan's sperm has always gotten Greenlee and Kendall all atwitter (...there's really no way to read that sentence and not think it needs an NSFW designation, is there?), so their tomfoolery is sadly in character for them, but Zach and Aidan totally should have hightailed it out of there and left the two lunatics behind.

I'm sorry, no one in the world is that important. No one needs this sort of entourage while they wait and see if their parts are functioning. That is absolutely ludicrous on a "You're a hitman, but you performed, like, the best C-section ever" level!

*I...spend an awful lot of time talking about the sperm of fictional people. My parents must be so proud of me.

New Feature Alert: Vintage Suds

We are so terribly bored by our soaps these days, and find blogging about them so taxing, that we decided to go back in time to try to recapture our enthusiasm for the genre.  We therefore announce the launch of a new feature, Vintage Suds, in which we recap episodes from our shows when our love/hate relationship was more on "love" and less on "hate."  Not surprisingly, we had to go a looong way back.  Well, also the tapes that Becca found in her basement during a fit of OCD-like cleaning are NBC shows from the late 80s and early 90s, so that was a time-determining factor as well. 

Maybe you have more recent -- or even more dated, for that matter -- episodes you'd like one of us to recap?  Head on over to our Serial Drama Dish forums and post a link to the ep online, or email us if you'd like to arrange to send us a tape. 

We're so excited about this new venture that we've sprayed our bangs high, padded our shoulders wide, and applied our makeup with a trowel.  We're nothing if not committed.  Well, we're not really committed to our shows these days, but we're committed to being enthusiastic about detailing the many ways in which our shows used to be much, much better than they are now. 

Our Column in the 7/22 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Our latest My Take/My Take, Too column appears in the July 22nd issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today. Our editors asked us to give our thoughts on the Daytime Emmy Awards and, remarkably, we were able to do so without swearing. We wonder what some Emmy voters were thinking, question the production values of the pre-show and ceremony and weep again over the fact that General Hospital was named Outstanding Daytime Drama.

I Heart Schadenfreude

I wish that I could explain my blogging absence away by regaling you with stories about the interesting things I've been doing, but...I don't know, do "working" and "devouring the either awesomely bad or just plain awesome Pretty Little Liars series" and "being bored to the point of literal physical pain by soap operas" count as interesting?  No? Oh. Okay. Sorry.

I had been so uninspired by All My Children that I kept putting off actually sitting down and watching it and then I realized I had, like, seven episodes to watch and then I did that thing I do where I occupy myself with minutia rather than subject myself to the combination of boring and awful that AMC excels in, but I couldn't avoid it forever, and I wound up watching them all in a row (foolish!) and it was kind of painful, to put it mildly. I'm still bitter that they recasted Colby and I don't understand why Randi takes up so much screen time and Babe having the audacity to complain AGAIN about the fact that Kendall and Greenlee do things like treat her, their employee, as an employee made me almost apoplectic, and, of course, I hate that they killed Richie off, because he had the potential to drive years and years of story, but I'm not quite ready to talk about it yet. Maybe once the mourning period ends...

But! What better to bring me out of my blogging hiatus than the brilliant, beautiful moment where Ryan Lavery had to hear, even for a moment, that the world does not revolve around him? And that no matter how long he pours his heart out for, his whims over who he loves today don't actually matter? I literally busted out with a Nelson Muntz HA-HA.

Greenlee: I love you, Ryan Lavery. I love you. For saving me for Aidan.

HA-HA!

HA-HA!

I mean, yes, we were subjected to an interminable amount of Ryan/Greenlee flashbacks in an attempt to--well, I guess they were trying to remind viewers of how great their love was. It merely made my headache even worse.

And, no, no human being would actually speak the worlds "I love you. For saving me for Aidan", because nobody outside of Danielle Steele novels talks like that. In any other situation, it would be a shoe in for The Day's Dumbest Dialogue. Who wouldn't say "Thank you for saving my life, because I kind of didn't want to die"? ESPECIALLY Greenlee! And even if they did say "Thank you for saving me, because now I can spend my life with my significant other", they wouldn't say it in such a horribly stilted way.

But in response to Ryan? Who now has to consider the fact that she is choosing someone else over him? It's as close to someone saying the words "Suck it, Lavery" as we are ever going to get on this show.

Oh, Show. Why Are You This Way?

I was recently told that I am "too judgmental", which I guess is a bad thing? I tried to point out that I am a soap critic, after all, and also, who says that judgmental people can't be awesome? Because I'm pretty sure that The Muppet Show was as great as it was partly because of Statler and Waldorf.

But then I got to wondering: what if I AM too judgmental? What if I'm expending too much negative energy? What if karma kicks me in the ass for my bitchiness?

So I decided that I was going to start looking for the good in everything, even things that I normally hate.

• Grapefruit: It has tons of Vitamin-C!
• Louis Vuitton Murakami print bags: they're eye-catching!
• Old Navy: they have JELLIES! In FLIP FLOP FORM!
• Whipped Cream: Provides an attractive garnish for desserts and frappuccinos?
• Colbie Callait's song "Realize": every time it's played on the radio means that, for a few minutes, the airwaves won't be assaulted with Katy Perry's "UR So Gay"
• Chad Michael Murray: do you know how hard it is to squint all the time without getting a headache? That's a true skill he has
• Heidi Montag: what if she was dropped on her head when she was a child? That would be sad, and it would explain a whole, whole lot 

And then I tried to look for the good on All My Children and...it's like my mind just went blank. I can't even say "The show tries hard", because it doesn't. It doesn't try hard at anything but sucking. I mean, with their cast and their history, this should be an awesome show by default. Under the layers of horrible writing, asinine casting decisions, and one note performances, there's a kind of good soap opera hanging out, waiting for a moment in the sun.

I will say this for AMC, though: it's taught me a couple of things that I never would have known if I didn't watch...

My Kingdom for a Likeable Character

I was trying to think of a way to describe the current state of All My Children, and the closest I could come up with was...okay, you know Steely Dan? I HATE Steely Dan. I know that's, like, a weird complaint for someone my age to have in the year 2008 but I have to be perfectly honest and tell you that when I hear "Rikki Don't Lose That Number", I feel like stabbing myself in the eye.

AMC circa June 2008 is what would happen if there was an all-Steely Dan radio station that was just non stop AWFULNESS. What good thing is there on this show right now? Besides Myrtle! Myrtle is the exception that proves my rule. Even Angie and Jesse, love them though I do, are having circular conversations, which give me motion sickness.

I was all set--and I am well aware of how utterly tragic this is--to look forward to Charles Pratt Jr's episodes starting to air, because surely he must realize that you can't have a soap that is just sucky people doing things suckily, but then I remembered who I was talking about, which reminds me:

Dear Charles Pratt Jr.,

Charles--can I call you Charles?--I know you probably could not care less about what I think about your skills as a writer, because I'm a lowly soap blogger and not even a Nielsen viewer, but whatever. I put up with a whole lot of crappy storylines while you were writing for General Hospital. You're lucky that I haven't filed a lawsuit on account of the PTSD I surely have from those stories. So the least you could do is listen to me for a second.

I'm actually trying to go into this whole thing with an open mind because, hello, you have to be better than Barbara Esensten and James Harmon Brown, right? I know that I said the same thing when they replaced Megan McTavish, but okay...I'm just going to come right out and say it: when you have a reputation for being the weak link in a partnership with the biggest hack writer currently polluting the daytime scene, it's probably NOT wise to create a new character and give her the same exact name as a character on your old, classic show. Unless this was all a ploy to get me to remember that you were a Melrose writer, because you knew that if I have a soft spot for anything, it's Melrose Place. If that's the case...nicely done, Charles Pratt Jr.

Sincerely,
Mallory
PS: Can you please change Spike's name? I mean, if the Buffy association wasn't problematic enough, he also shares a name with the biggest douchebag to ever appear on Top Chef, so please just do the kind thing and give this child a different name.  Thank you in advance.

The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza

Becca (8:00:35 PM): Oh no, they're opening with a sketch.  This is going nowhere good.
Mallory (8:00:46 PM): A sketch! Oh, Cameron Mathison! If only he didn't play daytime's most odious character
Mallory (8:01:21 PM): Did she just sniff Thorsten Kaye? Do you know how many people would pay for that honor?

Mallory (8:03:02 PM): This is easily the best AMC related thing to happen in months, by the way. Make of that what you will
Becca (8:03:17 PM): Is that a laugh track?  Live people aren't actually finding this amusing, right?
Mallory (8:03:52 PM): Maybe they took a cue from Bryan Dattilo and got a little sloshed
Becca (8:04:14 PM): He is a smart man.

Becca (8:04:39 PM): Hey, I just realized, why did we see like eight Days actors, yet no James Scott?
Becca (8:04:43 PM): That is unacceptable.
Mallory (8:04:48 PM): It's criminal!

Mallory (8:05:16 PM): The split second glimpse of Ellen and Portia was better than anything we saw on the entire pre-show
Becca (8:05:41 PM): I missed them!  Did Ellen dress like Col. Sanders again this year?  Because that was fun.

Becca (8:05:55 PM): Oh no, this year she's Zorro.
Mallory (8:06:44 PM): I am already sick of Ricky Paull Goldin and Beth Ehlers and she hasn't even started airing yet
Becca (8:07:13 PM): Why?  It's not like ABC has been pimping her out like she's a streetwalker tonight, or anything.

Becca (8:07:34 PM): My god, was that just a three-minute AMC commercial those three just "spontaneously" did?
Mallory (8:07:48 PM): I think it was. Brian Frons has no shame

Becca (8:08:07 PM): The Table Cam might be a worse idea than last year's viewer videos.  I didn't think that was possible.
Becca (8:08:19 PM): Laura Wright looks spectacular.
Mallory (8:08:22 PM): Laura Wright looks fab

Mallory (8:08:34 PM): But she and Sarah Brown don't look like they are supposed to be at the same event

Becca (8:08:41 PM): Sarah Brown's hair and makeup are great, but that dress is very goth prom.

Becca (8:09:00 PM): And Tony Geary does the shiny suit weird tie thing again.  Sigh.  I love him anyway.
Mallory (8:09:45 PM): I'm really glad that we didn't get to see him during the pre-show! Seeing Jordan Pruitt was way more important than being able to mock his shiny suit an hour ago
Becca (8:10:14 PM): Right.  That Frons guy sure is smart.
Becca (8:10:19 PM): Gina Tognoni wins!

Becca (8:10:32 PM): She seems awesome, so I'm happy for her.  Heather Tom does not look happy for her.

Mallory (8:10:51 PM): Heather Tom's bitchface was just a thing of beauty. Yay for Gina, though!
Becca (8:11:13 PM): Why did she have to thank God first?  I hate that.
Becca (8:11:43 PM): I think Heather Tom must be thanking God they panned away from her so fast.
Mallory (8:11:47 PM): It always makes me uncomfortable when they do that
Becca (8:12:50 PM): I want to hear one of the losers in the post-interview be like "I totally would have won, if only God hadn't been in such a pissy mood."
Mallory (8:13:30 PM): Right? "Whatever, this was rigged! I'm still being punished for stealing gum when I was six!"

The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza: Red Carpet Arrivals

And...we're off!  We will update this post and the ceremony one throughout the night, with our live blogging chat and then with screencaps/photos.  Please keep checking back for updates; you never know what fashion triumph or tragedy will greet you.

Becca (6:02:30 PM): OMG IT'S STARTING!!!
Becca (6:02:32 PM): Ahem
Mallory (6:02:45 PM): EEEEEE!!!
Mallory (6:02:58 PM): SOAPNet really ought to pay for a better voiceover person. She could not sound more bored
Mallory (6:03:13 PM): I am appalled that Sam Champion is making an appearance.
Becca (6:03:25 PM): WTF?  No, Rebecca Budig, no.

Becca (6:03:35 PM): That dress looks like she's being disemboweled.
Mallory (6:03:53 PM): This is what I don't understand: you are rich. You are famous. You look like Rebecca Budig. And that's the dress you choose?
Becca (6:04:15 PM): Seriously, that pink...thing on the red satin looks like intestines.  Why, why, why?
Becca (6:04:29 PM): On the other hand, Finola Hughes looks fantastic.

Mallory (6:04:38 PM): She really does!
Becca (6:04:48 PM): On the other other hand, Ricky Paull Goldin looks like a waiter.
Mallory (6:04:56 PM): How can you be rising at the same time as being a superstar?

Becca (6:05:15 PM): And how can you be a superstar if I've never heard your name?  Wait, don't answer that, I know I'm unhip.
Becca (6:05:21 PM): You kids and your pop stars
Mallory (6:05:35 PM): Do not blame this on my generation! Some of us have taste
Becca (6:06:03 PM): Some of you who aren't famous?
Mallory (6:06:49 PM): I don't understand the purpose of what is happening right now. Why is she singing? Why are people pretending to care?

Mallory (6:07:17 PM): And why is SOAPNet doing a small split screen for the red carpet arrivals? Are they so inept that they are capable of ruining the concept of a red carpet show?
Becca (6:07:27 PM): Did you really have to ask that?
Becca (6:07:44 PM): Is this girl Brian Frons' niece or something?
Mallory (6:08:21 PM): I am not mentally ready to start thinking about Night Shift
Mallory (6:08:47 PM): And I keep getting distracted by Rebecca Budig's HORRIBLE hair and the...organ looking ornamentation on her dress. Please make it stop.
Becca (6:08:57 PM): Rebecca Budig's dress is a crime against all that is good and right in the world [James Scott].
Becca (6:09:17 PM): I know.  But now that I found out that Tristan Rogers and Antonio Sabato Jr. are going to be on it, I'm almost...optimistic.  I can't believe I just said that.
Mallory (6:09:57 PM): I love the Shoe Cam! It appeals to me at my shallowest

Becca (6:10:21 PM): Seriously.  I want one for when I go out with friends.  "Lisa is wearing a Fendi black patent slingback..."
Mallory (6:11:19 PM): I do not like Farah Fath's necklace at all

Becca (6:11:55 PM): Yeah, she looks great except for the giant crucifix that even 1989 Madonna would be all "oh no, that's OTT"

Mallory (6:12:23 PM): Her makeup looks good, though, and it's way subtle for her
Becca (6:12:56 PM): Well, pancake is way subtle for her, but yeah, she does look great

Mallory (6:13:59 PM): Adrienne Frantz is distractingly skinny. And the hair...sorry, I can't say anything negative about her just in case she's still dating Jason Segel and can introduce me to James Franco
Becca (6:14:23 PM): You like him?  You've kept that so quiet. 
Becca (6:14:28 PM): Except for the billboard, I mean.
Becca (6:14:34 PM): And the mocked-up wedding announcements.
Mallory (6:14:56 PM): I like to plan ahead so that our wedding is all taken care of, just in case it happens
Mallory (6:19:43 PM): I know Sherri Shepherd thinks the world is flat or whatever, but her role as Angie on 30 Rock has earned her a lifetime free pass from me. She's adorable

Becca (6:20:54 PM): Oh, we are going to brawl, Mal -- she bugs the crap out of me.
Becca (6:21:05 PM): Seriously, she thinks the world is flat!
Mallory (6:21:38 PM): But she's hilarious with Tracy and Kenneth the page!
Becca (6:21:59 PM): You know I adore 30 Rock, but no.  She bugs me!
Mallory (6:22:10 PM): Whatev!
Mallory (6:22:20 PM): Finola talks like three miles a minute and I find it endlessly endearing
Becca (6:22:34 PM): She has the inflections of a 15-year-old.  It's hilarious.
Becca (6:23:07 PM): Heather Tom's makeup is fabulous, and her hair is a huge improvement over last year's terrible ponytail, but I'm not sold on the dress.  And I really liked Jack on Project Runway!

Mallory (6:23:12 PM): Could SOAPNet BE more inept? This is pathetic. The local access channel runs smoother
Becca (6:23:39 PM): The only clip they've had ready to roll was that horrible "behind the scenes" piece with Cameron and Sherri.  And I've seen more interesting driver ed films.

Mallory (6:23:55 PM): Her hair and makeup look gorgeous. I don't like the bodice of the dress, but I love the color

Becca (6:24:22 PM): The color is beautiful.  I have a feeling it will look better in still shots, too.
Becca (6:24:37 PM): It's not a disaster or anything.  I just expected to be wowed.  Wow me, people! 

Don't Forget: Live-Blogging the Emmys Tonight

We know you all must be as excited about the totally relevant and truly merit-based Daytime Emmy awards as we are, but in your giddiness please don't forget to click on over to Serial Drama this evening for our Second Annual Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza!  We'll start red carpet coverage with the SOAPNet pre-show at 6pm EST, then cover the ceremony starting at 8pm EST.  Screencaps will go up throughout the night.  Bring on the fashion disasters and unjustified winners!

(Last year's red carpet and ceremony live blogging, for those who missed it or who need an Emmy fix before tonight.)

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In our most recent Soap Opera Digest column, we were all about the Daytime Emmys. After the jump, our thoughts about the nominations, our outrage over several snubs, our fervent hope that two certain shows don't walk away with the title of Outstanding Daytime Drama and a plan to make Kirsten Storms a faux Emmy to call her own.

Serenity Now

It's really weird that when the soon to be departed Leven Rambin started to play a dual role, it was all over the soap mags, but when Thorsten Kaye took on the role of Zach's nefarious twin, there was nary a press release about it.

...what? Oh, this isn't an evil double? That was supposed to be Zach acting like a total dickwad yesterday? Really? Oh.

I know that this may sound crazy, but you know how sometimes you'll be watching a show, and a character will say or do something and you'll remark to yourself (or the room at large, depending on how vociferously you disagree with what they have just said or done), "[Insert name here] would NEVER do that" with a great amount of conviction, as if they are not only not fictional, but like you also know them well enough to determine how they would or would not act? Am I the only person who does that? I swear I'm not crazy...

The thing is: I have watched Zach Slater do his thing for four years and have realized that there are certain things Zach Slater would never say or do, no matter what (or who!) Kendall does, or who he spends time trapped in an underground bomb shelter with and this is one of them:

Zach: But you like to test me, don't you? Like to push me away to make sure that I come back. Why do you do that? You know what scares me, Kendall Hart Slater? One day, you're going to push me too far. And I'm not coming back.

Granted, this is slightly better than the time another of Kendall's lovers told her she'd push someone too far one day, because this threat didn't end with imagery of her being choked to death, but still: hell fucking no.

I just...I can't believe that Zach Slater would say something like that to Kendall, who he loves wholeheartedly and unreservedly, even taking into account the fact that paralyzing insecurity is her dominant character trait. Not to mention, Kendall has already lived through a time where she didn't feel comfortable with Greenlee's relationship with her significant other and hello, that time ended when Greenlee relentlessly pursued and then married Ryan. He saw how fucked up the entire Ryan/Greenlee/Kendall triangle was! He repeatedly called Greenlee out on being a complete toxic lunatic! But because they spent some time underground in a hole, it invalidates every instance of bad behavior Greenlee has ever exhibited and he like "How dare you voice any sort of complaint against Greenlee, The Fairest Maiden to Ever...Be Fair"? If I'm stuck in an underground bunker with Spencer Pratt, am I going to come out saying "Lauren sucks! Buy Heidi's CD! Speidi's love is for real!!!" As if.

I refuse to acknowledge that this man is Zach Slater. Until he starts acting remotely Zachish, he will be known as...AC Morris.

Our Column in the 6/17 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Be sure to pick up a copy of the June 17th issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today. In this month's My Take/My Take, Too, Becca and Mallory take on the Daytime Emmy award nominations and share their thoughts on the biggest snubs, the most outrageous nods and their fervent hope for red carpet awesomeness. This marks the offical start of our second annual Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza, so make sure to stop by over the coming days for Emmy posts, polls and predictions leading up to the show on Friday, June 20th.

Let It Bleed

There are people in the world who work best under pressure, operating under the theory that, once you limit yourself to a tiny window of time in which to get something done, you have left yourself no choice but to do it.

I am one of those people. Why do something months in advance when you can do it in a few hours the day before it is due? I find it much easier to focus that way. I have fond memories of the fall of 2004, drinking an entire case of Diet Coke with Lime in one night while I wrote a paper on British War Poetry (...yeah. Good stuff) that was due the next morning. Granted, I was physically shaking and worried that I was going to die of heart failure when I handed it in the next morning, but I got an A, so whatever. Irregular heartbeats can't keep a good woman down!

The people at All My Children, on the other hand, are not that kind of person. This is not to say that I think they'd do a good job, per se, if they had a ton of time to do something, but if they started something far enough in advance, the law of averages says it would have to be a couple of steps up from the crap they get when they rush something.

Like, for example...Tad's reunion with KathyKate. How epically has this been botched?!

The idiocy starts at the top: in the most recent issue of Soap Opera Digest, there is an article about the big reunion with a quote from Brian Frons expressing surprise that it is something that viewers really want to see. Whenever that man opens his mouth, he says something so stupid that words in the English language don't even exist to describe it. I know that he thinks "soap" is a dirty word (hee! Because...soap is clean...whatever, I'm in a mood, shut up) and can't fathom that people tuning into soap operas want to, like, watch soaps, but how is it possible that the man in charge of ABC Daytime is like, "Ohmigod, you guys, it's the weirdest thing, people liked Tad and Dixie together or whatever and they have been waiting for a couple of years to see Tad reunite with their daughter. Can you believe that? These viewers are like martians, with their need for 'emotional payoff' and 'closing open plot threads'. Zany!  Let's talk more about reality tv..."

I mean, he could not possibly care less about this. Even the SOAPNet email for this week mentioned Tad's reunion with his and Dixie's daughter LAST in their little AMC blurb:

My main question is...how on earth is Babe capable of going UNDERCOVER as a prostitute? Everything about her screams "I whore myself out to the highest bidder", from her clothes to...um, the fact that she literally does have sex with people for money, social status and to blackmail people into donating bone marrow. But my OTHER question is, shouldn't Tad realizing that his daughter with Dixie is alive and in town be kind of a big deal?

So because Frons is sick of hearing focus groups ask for it, he finally tells the AMC writers to write some sort of story that shows Tad who his daughter is.

BARBARA ESENSTEN: So we need to reunite Tad with his daughter.
JAMES HARMON BROWN: But his daughter is living with Whatshername right now.
BARBARA ESENSTEN: Damn.
JAMES HARMON BROWN: We could have Adam tell Kathy that she'd Tad's daughter and Kathy could be like "Yay! I love Tad! Whatshername sucks!"
BARBARA ESENSTEN: Or we could have Whatshername just get sick of taking care of this kid and drop her off in the park and run away and Tad and Krystal could find her.
JAMES HARMON BROWN: Or we could have aliens take over Pine Valley and transport her from Whatsherface's house to Tad's and Whatsherface could be like "Well, if the aliens want her to be with Tad, who am I to judge?"
BARBARA ESENSTEN: Or...
BARBARA ESENSTEN and JAMES HARMON BROWN: (In Unison) We should totally kill Whatsherface! HIGH FIVE!

I mean, I don't know why I am surprised. This is ABC Daytime we're talking about. You know the episode of The Simpsons where Bart and Lisa play Rock, Paper, Scissor and Lisa thinks to herself "Poor predictable Bart, always choosing rock" and Bart thinks to himself, "Good old rock. Nothing beats rock"? That's what I feel about ABC Daytime. "Poor predictable ABC Daytime, always choosing murder" and ABC Daytime is all "Murder! Woo!"

Blood lust aside...killing off Julia is really the best story here? Really?

I Love These Two More Than Chocolate

I have been in a serious state of soap related glee since last Wednesday, because Jesse and Angie's wedding was one of the most awesome hours of soap to air on television in the last decade, let alone on All My Children. This is part of the reason that I haven't blogged much since then; I loved this episode so much that I didn't want the crappiness of the rest of the daytime world to sully it (the rest of the reason is laziness). I loved it so much that this episode has made its way onto my list of Top 5 Things I Love Beyond All Reason:

1. Making lists

2. Diet Coke

3. All of James Franco's videos at funnyordie.com, but most especially the dramatic reenactment of Justin Bobby and Audrina's date on The Hills.

4. The Golden Girls

5. Jesse and Angie's wedding, edging out DiorShow Blackout mascara. Yeah, exactly. That's how much I loved this wedding. I mean business.

I really have low standards when it comes to AMC, as well I should, since I can count the number of non Kendall and Zach related things I've enjoyed in this show since 1999 on one hand, so I went into this with low expectations. Like, I knew it would be good, because it's Jesse and Angie, and nobody, not even the soon to depart Esensten and Brown, could mess them up, but I didn't think it would be better than good. But it was! It was actually a completely GLORIOUS hour of television. It had all of the components of an awesome soap episode: glamour! Humor! Musical guest! Sentimental vows! Veteran characters and references to history! A ghost!

I now present to you, a bit belated, The 15 Most Wonderful Things About Angie and Jesse's Wonderful Wedding...

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In our most recent Soap Opera Digest column, we turned our ever-critical eyes to All My Children, Days of Our Lives and The Young and the Restless. After the jump, Mallory asks why long-lost twins and ghosts have become so trendy and practically begs the powers-that-be at AMC to bring Dixie back, while Becca learns the hard lesson that, when it comes to Days, first impressions aren't always right.

This Could Go Either Way...

I've been burned a number of times in the past by announcements regarding new soap head writers. Remember my childlike excitement when Megan McTavish got the axe? "Oh, how wonderful!" I said joyously. "Now the show will get good again! Hurray and hurrah!" And then it turned out that McTavish was replaced by dream pyromaniacs who ruined everything they touched? That was quite a letdown.

So I've learned to be a little wary when I see headlines like today's "Head Writing Changes at AMC". The optimistic part of me immediately got all verklempt and was like, "Thank you for bringing my show back! Ex oh ex oh!" and then the rest of me was like, "It's totally James E. Reilly, isn't it?"

It's not, but Charles Pratt is...not so many steps above him. Remember when he wrote with Guza on GH? And was the weak link in that hellish partnership? And we were all sort of confused about how that is even possible? 

...yeah. So there's that. I mean, it's ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that I am worrying for nothing and that maybe he's learned a bit about nuance and character balance and realism and will be good. But, come on, Brian Frons was part of the hiring process here, so how likely is it that it won't suck? And seriously, shouldn't we be seeing the news one of these days that Julie Hannan Carruthers is out as AMC executive producer and Brian Frons is out at ABC Daytime and run out of Hollywood tarred and feathered? And also, how has Bob Guza managed to avoid getting a pink slip amidst all of these writing regime changes? So many questions!

Also, Hogan Sheffer is joining Maria Arena Bell as co-headwriter on Y&R. This could be really good or a total trainwreck.

It's Like a Never Ending Quest to Be Worse Than Awful

There's a commercial for Chips Ahoy where a chocolate chip cookie sings "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" to a buxom claymation woman before being eaten by a human that disturbs me on a lot of different levels (why are commercials now stooping to sexualizing chocolate chip cookies? Why would you give your edible product a face and a skeevy personality if the goal is to get people to buy and eat said product? Can you get an STD just from listening to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy"? What happened to this cookie and this woman in their respective childhoods that has led them to date outside their species). Like, to the point where I seriously can't watch it. I have no problem watching the creepy ads for The Strangers, but when that Chips Ahoy commercial comes on, I need to change the channel or watch with my hand covering my face.

Today, this commercial came on immediately before AMC and...I actually found myself wishing I could see the commercial again instead of the crap that passes for entertainment on All My Children.

Here's a smattering of what we had to put up with this week:

(1) Okay, technically this is from last week but like reader buddz pointed out, this high horse moment cannot go without a comment:

Tad: You knew, didn't you? You knew about Kendall and Aidan. I'm sorry. It took a lot of work, but Aidan finally told me the truth. He said you had promised never to tell anybody, but I guess you found out about it somehow, huh?

Kendall: Tad, we know that you're upset --

Zach: Let him talk.

Tad: Couldn't believe it. I could not believe it when he told me he was coming to Cambias to work for you. I said it was a mistake, but I guess I was right, because his first day, his first day, you send him on a suicide mission?

Kendall: No, that's not how it happened.

Tad: Oh, please. A man as powerful as Zach Slater finds out you slept with somebody. What do you think is going to happen? That's it? It's history? Well, I don't think--

Kendall: No, so would you stop it?

Tad: Congratulations, Zach. Congratulations, because if you wanted payback, you certainly got it.

Kendall: Look, Tad, I know that you're upset, and I'm so sorry. We're so sorry --

Tad: Spare me your sympathy, please. And I guess it works out nice for you, doesn't it? Because if Aidan is dead, then your betrayal dies with him, or is that the way it was supposed to turn out?

Kendall: No, I never wanted Aidan to get hurt

Tad: Excuse me. I've got to go tell my parents their son is dead

I...I just...I can see why Tad would be upset about Jake and Pine Valley's sexiest piece of driftwood being presumed dead. I can. The death of a sibling is always painful, and losing Aiden means that he's losing the person who always makes him look comparatively smart. So I sympathize. I just feel like there's a proper way to express your anger in a situation, perhaps by writing your thoughts in a letter and not sending it.

I don't think it's normal to self righteously explode at the person who (a)knows that you tortured and buried a man alive (b)stood on trial for a murder you committed (c)is better than you in every conceivable way. Tad really has no etiquette when it comes to dealing with the people he's wronged...

More (and spoilers!) after the jump...

I Don't Think These Words Mean What He Thinks They Mean

As is my wont, I've taken to doing all sorts of random things in an effort to avoid watching All My Children (this week: I've gone on a jaunt to HomeGoods to wander the aisles aimlessly; read the titles and episode descriptions of all of the ABC After School Specials--I think my favorite title might be "My Dad Can't Be Crazy...Can He?", although I also love "Just Tipsy, Honey"; rearranged my sandals; played Hearts; got annoyed when the computer beat me at Hearts) because watching AMC is painful to me on a spiritual level, and I think it also might be making me physically ill. I don't think it's allergies that are bothering me, I think it's a sickness stemming from repeated exposure to crap.

I can't even describe it. The last time I was asked about AMC, all I could say was "Ugh..vomit". Not "You know, it's pretty terrible" or "there are some bright spots, but overall the writing is poor". No. Just "Ugh...vomit".

Because there are no bright spots. I mean, of course, Jesse and Angie are fabulous and Yaya is surprisingly good (or at least not overtly terrible...it's entirely possible that this show has set the bar so low that I just think she's good in comparison to others) and I love Zach and Kendall to death in ways that probably push me over the edge into crazytown, but this week alone, I've had to sit through (1)Kendall giddily spending time with KRYSTAL, of all people, while Greenlee and Angie tried on wedding gowns in something that seemed to be a low-budget music video rather than a montage. Remember when Kendall used to hold a grudge so intensely that it was a little bit scary and you were worried that if she wasn't fictional and you happened to meet her and cross her that she'd shank you first and ask questions later? I miss that Kendall. She didn't even try to poison Krystal once during the course of the afternoon! (2) Zach and Greenlee having some sort of crazy bond because of their time spent locked in a bunker together, a bond so amazing that it actually led Zach Slater, who I previously thought was the only rational person in this town, to say the words "Greenlee's what matters. I lost sight of that", like, what the holy hell?! That's not cute, that's not funny, that is just a metric ton of WTF.

So if AMC can ruin things near and dear to my heart, it's obvious that they can wreak havoc with things that are terrible, like Tad's search for Kathy. This? Is why I can't keep food down when I watch this show!

Hazel: And I wish you luck, but there is nothing I can do. That past died with Dr. Madden [who died, remember, after Tad buried him alive and tortured him for weeks--ed.]. I have gotten on with my life.

Tad: Well, I haven't. I can't [lying liar who lies--ed.]. Because my little girl, my Kate, is still out there somewhere.

Hazel: And there's nothing I can do about it.

Tad: I don't believe that, or I wouldn't be here. Hazel, I'm begging you. By now, Kate's nearly six years old. I've been looking for her the entire time [BLATANT EFFING LIE--ed.]. Six years old. I've never seen her, I've never held her, I've never told her I love her. And she's been with me the entire time, because not a day goes by, not an hour, when I don't think about her. You want to talk about loving somebody? My wife used to buy Christmas presents, birthday presents, in hopes of one day we'd be able to give them to her ["But she never thought to, like, google the name of the doctor who delivered Kate. Weird"]. And now Dixie's never going to get that chance, because she passed away about a year and a half ago.

Hazel: I am sorry.

Tad: But when she died, I held her in my arms, and I told her, I promised her, how I'd find our daughter and I would bring her home. And that's exactly what I intend to do. Your old boss has made that very difficult. I am nowhere without you. I'll do anything. Just help me find her. You are the only person on this earth who could give my wife a little peace.

Because, see, no. None of that ever happened, no matter how heartfelt and self righteous Tad is when he talks about his long hard life. The way I remember things going down, Dixie didn't think to Google the name of the doctor who delivered Kate and traveled around Europe instead of asking Tad the PI for help, then Tad killed a man to get information on his daughter before allowing Dixie to stand trial for murder, then upon Dixie's death was like "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again" before promptly forgetting about this search for his child in favor of blackmailing Krystal into marriage and obsessing over every move Adam Chandler makes. I mean, it's possible, I guess, that I've been watching an ENTIRELY different All My Children, but I like to think that if I were going to hallucinate an entire television program that I'd at least hallucinate something high quality.

Our Column in the 5/13 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Our latest My Take/My Take, Too marks our one year anniversary of writing for Soap Opera Digest, and we could not be more thrilled about it.  To be complete cheeseballs for a moment: we are extremely grateful to Stephanie Sloane and Lynn Leahey for giving us this column and allowing us to nitpick to our hearts' content.

The column is in the May 13th issue of Soap Opera Digest, which is on newsstands now and in it, Mallory wonders why All My Children and The Young and the Restless decided that long-lost twins and ghosts were the way to go: whatever happened to just bringing people back from the dead?  Becca admits that she may have been too quick to judge the potential awesomeness of Dr. Jonas and the potential trainwreckishness of a non-dead John Black.

Catch Our Broadcast Debut Tonight! ...Or Whenever

Tonight's the night!  We are all set to make our broadcast debut at 10 PM tonight on In The Zone Radio.

We're incredibly excited to join the gracious hosts for what will surely be a fun evening of soap dishing.  We're going to try really hard not to pepper too many sentences with "dude"s (Becca) and "like"s (Mallory).

We hope that you can tune in tonight!  If you want to call in, please do!  (Remember, it's your job not to make us seem like reader-less losers!)  The number is (347) 996-5978.  Or you can IM via AIM  at InTheZoneRadio, or email questions to inthezone@sonuni.com.

If you can't listen tonight, fear not:  The interview will be available as a podcast, so you won't need to miss one hypercritical moment.

Updated 5/7: Well, we debuted.  The host and at least a couple of listeners thought we were unfunny in person as opposed to in writing, and said so, which wasn't the highlight of our lives but it mostly got better from there.  And seriously, it's not like we haven't put a lot of criticism out into the atmosphere; it was bound to boomerang on us.  Doing the show was really a fun experience and we truly appreciate the opportunity.  Thanks very much to In the Zone Radio for having us on!

If you want to check out the podcast, it's available here in the upper right corner.  (Mallory starts at the 8:42 mark, Becca joins at 13:15, and we get called unfunny at around 52:30 and several times thereafter.  There's about a 75-minute live show and then we stayed on after that for an off-air chat.)  Since clearly we are in the process of expanding our multi-media empire, next on the list is an all-shirtless touring production of Xanadu starring James Scott, Jason Thompson, Peter Bergman, and Greg Vaughn.   We'll keep you posted.

And Emmy Season Officially Begins!

There are few things in life that Becca and I enjoy more than the Daytime Emmys, as readers may remember from our 2007 Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza. It's a win-win situation for us, you know? If our favorites are nominated, we get to feel the exciting validation of "Yes! A strange body of voters who are prone to terrible mistakes agree that our favorite person to be named in the prehistoric prenom process should have a one in five chance of being called the year's best! Wooo!" and if they get snubbed, we can get our moral outrage on, all "How dare they not recognize the brilliance of [Insert Snubbed Actor Here]?! As God is my witness, I will never care about shoddily produced awards shows again!"

So between the potential for celebration AND criticism, we're on cloud nine and then if you throw in glorious or fugly fashion AND supermodels being upstaged by Muppets, it's pretty clear that this is the most wonderful time of the year.

Um...to sum these nominations up, I only have this to say: ...???...?!?!...???...

(and also: SUCK IT, BRIAN FRONS!)

(But mostly ...???...?!?!...???...)

Outstanding Younger Actor

Van Hansis (Luke, As the World Turns)
Jesse Lee Soffer (ex-Will, As The World Turns)
Darin Brooks (Max, Days of Our Lives)
Tom Pelphrey (ex-Jonathan, Guiding Light)
Bryton McClure (Devon, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Younger Actress

Jennifer Landon (ex-Gwen, As The World Turns)
Rachel Melvin (Chelsea, Days of Our Lives)
Vail Bloom (Heather, The Young and the Restless)
Emily O'Brien (Jana, The Young and the Restless)
Tammin Sursok (Colleen, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Supporting Actor

Trent Dawson (Henry, As the World Turns)
Daniel Cosgrove (Bill, Guiding Light)
Brian Kerwin (Charlie, One Life to Live)
Kristoff St. John (Neil, The Young and the Restless)
Greg Rikaart (Kevin, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Supporting Actress

Kelley Hensley (Emily, As The World Turns)
Heather Tom (Katie, The Bold and the Beautiful)
Judi Evens (ex-Adrienne, Days of Our Lives)
Gina Tognoni (Dinah, Guiding Light)
Tracey Bregman (Lauren, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Lead Actor

David Canary (Adam/Stuart, All My Children)
Thaao Penghlis (Tony/ex-Andre, Days of Our Lives)
Anthony Geary (Luke, General Hospital)
Peter Bergman (Jack, The Young and the Restless)
Christian Leblanc  (Michael, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Lead Actress

Maura West (Carly, As The World Turns)
Crystal Chappell (Olivia, Guiding Light)
Nicole Forester (Cassie, Guiding Light)
Michelle Stafford (Phyllis, The Young and the Restless)
Jeanne Cooper (Katherine, The Young and the Restless)

Outstanding Daytime Drama

General Hospital
Guiding Light
One Life to Live
The Young and the Restless

Thoughts about the nominees, after the jump! And remember--we don't watch some of the soaps nominated, so I'll only comment on the ones I know. Please feel free to share your thoughts about the nominations for As the World Turns, The Bold and the Beautiful, Guiding Light, One Life to Live and Passions in the comments.

What Kind of a World Do We Live In?

I am ages behind the times in commenting on this, I realize, but I had to briefly cut AMC out of my life following the scenes where the loathsome Babe berated JR for having the unmitigated gall to share DNA with Adam and not being grateful enough to Tad for giving him whatever humanity he has. I just...I couldn't do it. I wanted to comment on Zach and Kendall, and how overly blah Aidan and Greenlee are and marvel at Erica for being Erica, but I just couldn't acknowledge that AMC existed without going full on apoplectic. Like, Britney attacking the paparazzi with an umbrella kind of apoplectic. I know I'm irrational in my hatred of Babe but...it's one of the only constants in the ever changing world, you know?

Um, anyway, like I was saying, I am the last person in the world to mention this, but: Ambyr Childers is leaving AMC! And I am heartbroken!

For starters, Ambyr Childers and Colby have grown into one of my favorite parts of All My Children, which is way more of a compliment than it seems to be. I could not stand the character at first, and then grudgingly liked her, then thought she was adorable and grew to love her, not even wavering when she became the Careys' #1 cheerleader. That's serious love, you guys! And Ambyr Childers has really become a good actress, and she's adorable, and she has such a sweet rapport with David Canary and Jacob Young. Love her. I hope she does well in whatever she decides to do after AMC.

So they've recasted her with someone named Brianne Moncrief, who is going to be older because...I guess because they are going full throttle with pairing Colby and Frankie? I find this problematic because

(1)If there is a spark between Colby and Frankie, doesn't that have more to do with the actors than it does anything else? I ask because I'm pretty sure that Frankie has no personality to speak of,so it's not like it's the characters that mesh together well (I'm not even going to get into Frankie's oddly shifting age range. Remember when he dated Mia? Remember Mia? It's like Amelia Heinle is contractually obligated to be boring). And I'm sure that they screen tested the new girl with Frankie, but...I don't know, it's just weird that AMC doesn't let couples grow organically and just throws them together all "YOU MUST LOVE THEM!"

(2)I know I complain about this a lot, but aging Colby to early to mid 20s is bizarre, not only because she was actually born in 1999, but there is ALREADY a girl on canvas that age who gets NO STORYLINES EVER despite being gorgeous, charismatic and AWESOME. What will it take to get Chrishell Stause a role beyond being a glorified extra? She's got chemistry with pretty much every person on the show, she's Trevor and Janet's daughter and did I mention how pretty she is? Why couldn't they try her out with Frankie? Why can't they take away one of Babe's many admirers and pair them with Amanda? What does it say about the state of the world today that a gorgeous girl can't catch a break in Hollywood? It's not right, I swear.

*As always, if this whole recast thing works out well and Amanda goes front burner, I reserve the right to pretend like I had never doubted it in the first place

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

The other day, I emailed Becca and asked how wrong it would be for a hypothetical person to have a hypothetical crush on David Cook (she said that, post-haircut, it would be a 3 on the 1-10 scale of wrongness and, hello, this hypothetical crush would of course happen post-haircut because even hypothetical me is firmly committed to good hair).

And then I felt INCREDIBLY GUILTY for being ashamed of adoring David Cook because, yeah, the hair's kind of borderline and he was kind of lame on Idol Gives Back with the "give back" written on his palm but SERIOUSLY, you guys, I am open with the fact that I watch All My Children and here I am, feeling embarrassed to have a crush on David Cook. That's so cruel of me.

Because AMC is pretty wretched. Sure, there are some good moments that I fully intend to post about in depth: Kendall and Zach being deliciously soapy and heartbreaking; Michael E. Knight struggling valiantly to act opposite Aiden Turner, which I imagine is like talking to an inanimate object; Debbi Morgan looking twenty years younger than she actually is. But in between those few good moments is crap:

Ryan: So, what was the most romantic thing that I ever said to you?

Annie: We were standing on the terrace -- the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars.

Ryan: Wow. Sounds like love to me.

Annie: It did to me, too. It made me relax and believe.

Ryan: Believe?

Annie: That you might be ready for a different kind of woman, not a spitfire like Kendall and Greenlee. I'm kind of the opposite of that in a way.

"..."

(1) The last time it was interesting to watch women fight over Ryan and/or grapple with not feeling good enough for the awesomeness of Ryan, Clinton was president, Geri hadn't yet left The Spice Girls and Gretchen Mol was the next big thing.

(2) Who, in the history of the world, has ever started a conversation with the words "what was the most romantic thing I ever said to you"? That's like saying, "I know there is a long list of times when I was awesome, but if you had to pick the time that I was most awesome, what would it be?"

(3) The fact that somebody wrote down the sentiment "the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars" and forced poor Melissa Claire Egan to speak it seems needlessly cruel. That's disgustingly cheesy, even for Ryan. Precious Moments cheesy. Clay Aiken soundtrack to an Ashley Judd romcom cheesy. Hearing a line like that made Annie relax? Laugh out loud and wonder if Ryan is using power ballads for inspiration, sure, but "relax and believe"? How does this woman share any sort of genetic material with Richie? He may be a psychopath, but at least he's not a doofus.

(4) At least Annie is self aware and knows she's not anything like Kendall and Greenlee. Although in my opinion, the fact that she isn't a spitfire isn't the problem. The fact that she is a charisma vacuum is.

(5) Cameron Mathison and Melissa Claire Egan cannot make this dialogue work, but it's not their fault. Peter Bergman and Nancy Lee Grahn couldn't make this dialogue work, although I'd pay cash money to see the two of them playing a couple on a show worthy of their talents. So, um, a show in my imagination, I guess.

I mean, seriously, if you can't be bothered to write good plots or engage in any sort of character development, can't you at least make sure that your day-to-day dialogue isn't shit?

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In our latest column, we pulled no punches when it came to All My Children and General Hospital. After the jump, Becca feels alone as she wonders what's so special about GH's special effects and why the powers-that-be have chosen sets as the one thing on the show they want to be realistic, while Mallory feels like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, trapped in a life of endlessly repeating AMC and GH storylines.

Respeito!

Back before Tyra Banks had completely turned into a lunatic who could cause harm to herself and others, when the CW was still UPN and the WB and Jay Manuel was just super tan as compared to radioactive orange, America's Next Top Model ruled. And not just ruled for a competitive reality show broadcast on the redheaded stepchild of networks, but it ruled in general, and I wasn't ashamed to tell people I watched it. Uh, now is a different story, but back in the day of Cycles 2 and 3, the show was awesome. Remember? With Camille's signature walk that was going to make her famous? And Eva's "First of all, I didn't even know you were a bitch" and Kelle's denial over her snout? Good times.

A large part of Cycle 3's brilliantness is due to the epic bitchiness of Yaya, who went to Brown and thought she was better than every person to ever exist. She was self righteous and bratty, and spit out umeboshi and wore a shirt asserting the importance of Respeito after Ann mutilated Cassie's brownies and had no sense of humor ("Some people think it's funny to kill people. That doesn't make it funny") and I kind of loved her. She was endlessly entertaining and now Pine Valley gets to enjoy her!

Yaya Dacosta from America's Next Top Model is coming to All My Children! The model-actress hyphenate has been cast as Cassandra Foster, the daughter of Dr. Angie Hubbard (Debbi Morgan). She first airs on April 25. Many will remember Yaya as the runner-up of Season 3 of America's Next Top Model. Despite not taking the prize, she's enjoyed a successful modeling career, including campaigns for Sephora, Garnier Fructis and Olay. Acting gigs followed, such as a starring role in the film Take the Lead with Antonio Banderas.

Yaya's character, Cassandra, was adopted by Angie and her ex-husband, Jacob. Cassandra made her debut on ABC's The City. In that soap's final episode, Angie and Jacob (played by Darnell Williams, who currently plays Jesse on AMC) found an abandoned Cassandra and brought her home with them.

Cassandra's all grown up now, and she arrives in Pine Valley to meet her mother's first (and current) husband, Jesse. Don't expect the family reunion to be all roses, though: Cassandra will be pulled into the sinister plan Rob (David Rasche) has for Jesse.

I am just going to put all my cards on the table and admit to being excited about this. I blame my all encompassing love of Jesse and Angie for my excitement and I know that, since this is the dream ruining AMC, it will wind up horrible, but for now, I will "Eeeee!!"

Our Column in the 4/8 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

If you're so inclined, check out our column on pages 44 and 45 of the issue of Soap Opera Digest that's in your mailbox or on newsstands now.  In it, Becca wonders whether she is the only soap fan/critic who thinks GH's special effects are garbage, and why anyone thinks it's important that soap sets be realistic.  Mallory, meanwhile, provides compelling evidence that All My Children and General Hospital are just reusing storylines from a few years ago -- and not even ones that were good TV the first time around.

Also in the issue are lots of updates about Days, and more celebration of GH's 45th anniversary than the damned show did itself, plus a pretty interesting article about the financial realities for soaps.

So...Much...Hatred...Can't...Speak...Coherently

A few years ago, I was embroiled in a one-sided feud with Horatio Sanz. Like all Saturday Night Live viewers, I was offended by the fact that he continued to have a job despite breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever. The feud consisted mainly of me saying to others, "Can you believe this shmuck still has a job after breaking character in every sketch and never making me laugh, ever?" It was a non-violent battle that I eventually won after eight long years. Luckily, my commitment to complaining is never hampered by fatigue, illness or a short attention span.

It's becoming more and more apparent that I need to protest Brian Frons just...existing, except that I am running out of ways to describe my disgust with the fact that he continues to be employed. I don't think a combination of words in the English language could properly convey my angst, except, like, "He's...just...ugh...!!!...worst...???...ugh...hate", but that's not an actual sentence.

I really thought that someone, at some point, would realize that, since all of the ABC Daytime shows have bled viewers since he took over, he's not even competent at his job, let alone good at it. No dice. I thought that the SNM Fiasco would make some take notice and say, "Um, isn't this the channel for soap operas?" But, again, nothing. And now, more dumbassedness.

In addition to bolstering daytime with such ad deals, the company is broadening its plan for Soapnet, moving it from being a home for soap opera reruns to one for original content, as well as more acquired primetime soaps and movie dramas. The network has bought a packet of small to midsize movies to add to its Sunday night movie franchise: Romy and Michelle: In the Beginning; I Do, They Don't; Face on the Milk Carton; Relative Chaos; and I Want to Marry Ryan Banks.

Soapnet is also moving forward with Relative Madness, six hour-long specials this summer on the most over-the-top TV and celebrity families, with commentary from talent including comedian Joy Behar, dancer Chris Judd, and mother/daughter socialites Lisa and Britney Gastineau.

There is so much wrong embedded in those 124 words.

(1)Brian Frons PAID MONEY for the chance to broadcast:

• The terrible prequel to a guilty pleasure movie
• A wacky movie starring Josie "Jane" Bissett and Rob "Kyle" Estes
• The cheesy TV movie adaptation of a book that freaked me out when I was younger, starring Kellie Martin, who I cannot stand
• A movie starring, among others, Charisma Carpenter, Nick Brendon and Terry Bradshaw, about siblings named Dil, Gil and Lil fighting for something that I am sure is wacky and hilarious. Maybe it's just me, but no rhyming sibling names will ever top Huey, Dewey and Louie Duck and I have to tell you, I'm 99% sure that broadcasting DuckTales would be more profitable than this movie
• Some crappy movie about starring Brandon Walsh, Anya and