Serial Drama

The Catch Up Blues

If you'll pardon the caps for just a moment: OH MY GOD, IT FEELS SO GOOD TO TYPE! AND HAVE LIGHTS, TEMPORARILY! DAMN YOU, IRENE!

As much as I wish my extended blogging hiatus were for a fun reason, it...is not: Hurricane Irene didn't do as much damage as anticipated; bitch just robbed me of power. For days. It has been--well, let me put it this way: yesterday afternoon at 3, I thought to myself wistfully, "I should be watching General Hospital right nwo!" and almost burst into a stream of legitimately sad tears. Terrifying, right?

There is still no word yet on when I'll actually have television, but ABC.com should get me caught up enough eventually. Until then: what have I missed, folks?! If you tell me that I missed an epically great week of soapdom, I will...well, I will not believe you. But after I accuse you of lying, I will cry in jealousy.

SOAPNet Caught in "Doing Something Awesome" Shocker!

My lack of All My Children posting despite a number of amazing (ZACH! ZACH IS BACK! ZACH ATTACK!) and not so amazing (...uh, that was seriously Gillian's return? I cannot call foul loudly and shrilly enough!) is not for a lack of trying!

As I confessed on Facebook recently, I am having such a hard time writing about it without, well, crying or getting lost in waves of nostalgia Do you know how many times I've been writing something about Angie and Jesse and then find myself losing huge chunks of time watching classic YouTube clips?! Its a sickness. But a post is coming, I promise!

First, though, shocking news! SOAPNet is doing something nostalgic, something that soap fans actually want. I KNOW! I was confused when I heard the news, too. "SOAPNet is doing some classic All My Children marathons? Are you sure you don't mean adding eight MORE hours of One Tree Hill to their lineup?"

But it's true, so you better set your DVR's, folks, for the "I Love Lucci" and "Last Chance [Sniff! --Ed.] For Romance" marathons.

The “I Love Lucci” marathon airs on Saturday, September 17.

7:00 PM, from 1979: Tom furiously ends his marriage to Erica when he discovers she’s secretly been taking birth control pill. Langley tries to convince Myrtle they’ve never met before.

8:00 PM, from 1996: Erica gives a shocking speech when she accepts the “Media Woman of the Year” award while high on pills. Kelsey thinks she’s going into labor after Lamaze class with Edmund. Janet panics when she learns Amanda has pneumonia.

9:00 PM, from 2000: Erica’s in denial when Bianca announces she’s gay. Ryan and Gillian spend a special Christmas together. Mateo is upset when Hayley wants to turn herself into the police for killing her mother. Tad and Dixie celebrate the holiday together despite Leslie’s efforts.

10:00 PM, from 2004: It’s a Christmas miracle when, after Erica implores her to come out of her coma, Bianca opens her eyes and Erica reunites her with baby Miranda. Plus, JR is furious with Adam for the loss of Bess and tells him he’s no longer his father.

11:00 PM, from 2005: Surrounded by their families, Erica and Jackson are married in Boca Raton.

The “All My Children: Last Chance for Romance” marathon airs Sunday, September 18.

5:00 PM, from 1980: Cliff and Nina are married in a fairy tale wedding [Cliff and Nina, OMG! PETER BERGMAN, I LOVE YOU! --Ed]. Plus, pregnant with Cliff’s baby, Sybil is not happy about his marriage to Nina. Tom and Erica fight when she has to attend a business dinner on their anniversary.

6:00 PM, from 1984: Jenny and Greg are married in front of family and friends, Palmer discovers the truth of why the Chandlers have come to Pine Valley, and Adam sets his sights on Erica.

7:00 PM, from 1993: Tad and Dixie are joyfully reunited when Tad finally convinces Dixie he’s alive and on the other side of the door. Hayley and Charlie find Brian and Junior on the run. Opal and Palmer are reunited with Junior.

8:00 PM, from 2001: Ryan and Gillian share a romantic wedding filled with surprises. Leo and Greenlee have a last minute change in plans when he remembers he has the wedding rings. On the witness stand, David admits his guilt about the drugs to Dixie.

9:00 PM, from 2002: Leo and Greenlee are married in an intimate wedding in the boathouse. Anna and David debate whether to tell Greenlee that her father’s been shot. Tad and Brooke try to find Maria.

10:00 PM, from 2005: Romance is in the air as Zach and Kendall prepare to divorce in the Caribbean. Plus, JR tries to warn Jamie about Amanda. Babe visits Josh at work and Erica kicks her out of her studio.

11:00 PM, from 2008: A stunned Angie and Jesse share an emotional reunion at the train station. Erica is arrested at the fashion show she’s hosting. Greenlee tells Aidan that Kendall may be pregnant.

BRB, stocking up on tissues!

In Which I Flail Endlessly and Scream Like a Tween

Ohmigod, you guys.

 
OHMIGOD, YOU GUYS.

 
OHMIGOD, YOU GUYS.

 
O!H!M!I!G!OD!Y!O!U!G!U!Y!S!

 
The first few drafts of this blog post basically consisted of nothing but exclamation points and straight transcriptions of dialogue, occasionally accompanied by parenthetical notations such as "I love my life!" and "At this point, I let out a giggle of delight that was less a giggle and more a jag of obnoxious, braying laughter".

I have such unconditional love for the Leo/Greenlee era of All My Children that I was going to love anything and everything about Josh Duhamel's brief return; such unconditional love that I actually--hand to God!--contemplated seeing Life as We Know It in theaters and considering my white-hot hatred of Katherine Heigl, that is saying something for ridiculous, embarrassing fangirl devotion. The braying laughter probably would have come even if their scenes were terrible, or if they didn't share scenes at all.

But THANKFULLY, it did not come to that. We got scenes. And oh, what scenes we got. Yes, it was a dream. And yes, as we totally called back when this most epic of epic returns was announced, there was a whole lot of Rylee pimping going on. But the dream itself? And the chemistry between Rebecca Budig and Josh Duhamel that has remained sparkling and unchanged after so many years? I KVELL.

Leo: God, I missed you.
Greenlee: How did this happen? How is this even possible? How long have you been here?
Leo: Shh. I just want to look at you.

Please imagine me cupping my hands over my mouth and letting forth a scream of pure glee. PERFECTION.

Best Endings In The History Of Ever?

After what was roughly my seventh time watching the last thirty second's of Friday's spectacular One Life to Live, I was reminiscing about being a less jaded young soap viewer and how it felt when the big moments happened that I wasn't expecting. For obvious reasons so many of those moments came before spoilers and the internet made it virtually impossible for there to ever be any real surprise (which is why I have to give kudos to OLTL since the Two Todds moment at the end was not a surprise, but still made my heart flutter and probably elicited a few embarrassing squeals and gasps from me... which of course proves that even in this day and age it's possible to make a big soap moment great as long as it's done well). I really felt like a little kid again, and the big giant nonsense absurd hyperbolic world of soaps should do just that.

So it's poll time! What do you guys think were the greatest big Friday moments in all of daytime soaps? I threw together a quick poll which, of course, is severely limited by both my current lack of memory (I can't believe it was so hard for me to think of things!) and my lack of knowledge of many of the soaps I haven't watched (I know some canon but it would've been kind of vague -- Victor's alive! Patch is alive! -- so I will leave the informed descriptions up to you lovely readers). So please do throw in write-in votes for any shows in the comments!

I left off deaths (or apparent deaths) because those cliffhangers are obviously far more common so we'd be here all day. Reminisce with me, y'all!

poll by twiigs.com

Crazy For You

Erica: So you still believe that I lost it, that I belong side by side with Marian and Annie and Janet from Another Planet?

Yes, Erica, I do firmly believe that you belong side by side with the aforementioned trio of zaniness. Specifically, you belong side by side with them in the credits for what would surely be a hit spinoff show called Crazy Is As Crazy Does following their nutty exploits as they do arts and crafts and therapeutic yoga and say hilarious things to each other while wearing tracksuits.

Seriously, I cannot overstate how delightful everything that took place in Oak Haven this week was. For so long, All My Children has been completely averse to whimsy and humor, so it was a surprise and a treat to see the show embrace the funny so thoroughly; that gang of involuntarily committed ladies provided me with more laughs than most sitcoms do.

Annie: You are in a mental institution. You might want to cool it with the above-it-all attitude.
Janet: I would put you both in a freezer if I could! Kidding. Ha! No, we just all need a refresher about the rules, hmm? Discussions about past transgressions are forbidden. This is a place where we move forward. So if you get angry, take it out on a hunk of clay. Although, you're probably a more macramé kind of girl, aren't you?
Erica: A macra-what?
Marian: Oh, darling, you remember. We had those hanging plants in the seventies with all those twisted knots in them?
Janet: So we would make such a good team, E-Kay, like -- like when that time we buried your pill-pushing doctor in your backyard?
Annie: And I'm the psychotic one?
Erica: He was not actually dead.
Annie: Oh. That makes it so much better.

Janet: We didn't get to do our shavasana!
Marian: Don't say "shiv" anything in front of Annie.

Annie: This is because I stabbed you, isn't it? I said I was sorry. Where's the forgiveness?

Annie: You can stay here and do all the JAZZ HANDS you want.

Annie: Is that what you told your porkchop husband before you put him in the deep freeze?
Janet: Well, of course not! He was dead already.

Plus, Opal showing up looking like...this?

  
Classic. I could have quoted and screencapped all of it on account of the amazing factor, but it is begging to be watched. If you have not seen it? You must. That is an order, not a request. Go watch. I'll wait.

AMAZING, right?

All of that PLUS! The last few seconds of Friday's episode, where a shocked Erica stumbled upon Dixie? I may have gotten goosebumps. I am so, so looking forward to seeing where this story goes, mostly because I know it will lead to "Zach and Leoville" and I want to go to there.

Oh, Dr. Feelgood

Griffin: You don't know me. I'm calling from Pine Valley Hospital. It's regarding Dr. David Hayward.
Maria (!!!) (!!!!): What has that son of a bitch done now?

First of all: MARIA! I was completely taken aback by how excited I was to see her today. It's not that I don't enjoy her, because I do. Or, at least, I do when I block out the fact that her last long-term return actually existed. But I didn't think I would practically squeal, especially since I knew it was coming. I think I might have some sort of bizarre, Pavlovian reaction to the return of any soap veteran character. When Adam and Brooke come back (WHICH, OH EM GEE, THEY ARE!), I might literally start to flail. Although...they deserve that sort of response. If I do the same for Justin Bruening and--sigh--Alexa Havins, we'll know for sure that I'm just deranged.

Secondly: you want to know what he's done, Maria? He's been hilarious.

Kendall (leaving "Erica" a voicemail): You and David. When I say it out loud, it sounds so ridiculous. I can't even believe it's true. Can you call me and tell me this is one bad dream?
David: You are awake. I can pinch you if you like.
Kendall: Get the hell away from me.
David: Now, is that any way to speak to your future stepfather?
Kendall: How do you do it, David? How do you make every woman think she can't live wihout you?
David: Well, some say it's my smile. But Ithink it's my winning personality.

David, you smarmy bastard. And I mean that as a compliment!

In the (strangely and, yes, sadly) version of AMC that plays in my head sometimes while the actual AMC bores me to the point of near brain atrophy (so maybe I should say it plays in my head always instead of sometimes), Kendall and David would have a huge story together. Not a romantic one--just something that would require them to spend a lot of time together, hating each other and throwing barbs back and forth. Because Alicia Minshew and Vincent Irizarry are crazy good together. They're crazy good with most of their scene partners, to be fair, but when they're together, they are just an antagonistic delight.

The Most Shocking Shock Of All!

Contrary to popular belief, the Rylee Wedding did not completely sap me of my will to live, watch, or blog about All My Children, although I can see why you'd assume that, since it was a total ugh. A total, horrifying, saccharine ugh.

No, my AMC hiatus came down to...well, procrastination and laziness. Perhaps Rylee-induced depression would have been a more compelling excuse after all! But really: with AMC's entertainment factor being what it is (that specific number is NONE), it was all too easy to just put off watching and writing. Because what would I write, you know? Entire walls of text consisting of the words SNORE and BORE?

HOWEVER! During yesterday's episode, something major happened. Something epic. Something that I didn't think I'd ever see before the show's demise (...or is it?): Marissa Tasker was entertaining.

Marissa: I have been running ever since I found out that all those wonderful things JR did for me came from you. No, no maybe it was even before that. When we went away with the kids and you told me how you felt. Or maybe it was even when we were trapped in that closet and we had to depend on each other to surivive I knew something was going on even then, but I just couldn't accept--I'm talking too much, aren't I?
Bianca: Yeah.

 

I KNOW! I KNOW! I didn't believe it either! The girl goes years without having a single personality trait and then all of a sudden, I'm antsily awaiting today's episode to see the follow-up to that kiss. It's a world gone mad!

The Worst Part of a Horrible Thing

We all knew it was coming. We knew that All My Children couldn't wrap up without Greenlee and Ryan having another, legal wedding filled with smugness and bitchface and smarm. We knew that there would be FLASHBACKS and unbearably CHEESY WEDDING VOWS and DOUCHEY facial expressions. We even knew--we hoped it wouldn't come to it, but deep down, we knew--that each of them would affirm their deep and true love of the other and ONLY THE OTHER, because they had never been in love with anybody else before, no matter what history and YouTube clips say.

Ryan: I do love you more now than I ever have before. Ever. And that's saying a lot, because I have loved you so much. People talk about soulmates, and I don't think until you have one you really know what that means. But I know. I know exactly what a soulmate is. Even when we've been apart, it's always been you. I've always been deeply connected to you. Just you.

Greenlee: I know how you feel. All the things that tried to keep us apart, they never really could. And no matter how I tried to stay away, I couldn't. It's always been you.I've always been deeply connected to you. Just you.

Gross, right?! I mean, even though we expected it, nothing can truly prepare you for that. "Just you...and the other loves of my life who I discarded on a whim". "Just you...and, you know, LEO, who actually WAS the love of my life".

But I at least thought, perhaps foolishly, that Emma would at least be given the opportunity to stick it to her stepmonster one more time! Perhaps hitting her father with some knowledge when it came time to speak now, or forever hold [her] peace,or cocking an eyebrow at the end of the ceremony, as if to say "This isn't over, Greens". But nothing! In the blink of an eye, one of my favorite plots in recent memory was completely erased. THANKS FOR NOTHING, AMC WRITERS!

The 2011 Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza!

Daytime's biggest night is here (pause for a second and reflect upon just how sad that sentence is!) and the three of us are here to comment in our usual hypercritical, foul-mouthed, and--hopefully!--hilarious way on what we're sure will be two hours of epic WTFery.

Click Play below to get the Live Blog started! And don't forget to leave comments here with your own hypercritical, foul-mouthed and hilarious observations.

UPDATE: After the jump, re-live the Emmys telecast, now with bonus screencaps!

Double The Fun

If anybody should ever ask--and they probably won't, because Susan Lucci's status as a national treasure is accepted and approved of by all, even people who don't watch soaps or classic Lifetime Movies. "The little lady with all the hair?" a random construction worker in Tennessee would say. "Yeah, she's all right!"--why Susan Lucci is a national treasure, I will screech "EXAMPLE 432!" and show them clips of her current All My Children storyline, clapping my hands in childlike glee all the while because really: the madcap adventures of Jane Campbell and her prisoner Erica Kane are the most compelling, entertaining and all around giddy-making things to happen on television right now.

Yes, I realize that the grandness of that grand pronouncement diminishes considerably when you give it a little thought, since most of daytime is a pit of bleakness and recycled stories, and most of primetime is in reruns. Faint praise is still praise, though! And I am really and truly enjoying this storyline and, for the first time in ages, fast-forwarding to get TO a story rather than THROUGH one, which is incredibly rare.