Serial Drama

Wholly Unexpected Silver Linings

I've spent the past few post-announcement days doing a lot of lamenting (and also, raging: mostly about Brian Frons and The Chew. I don't think I will ever be over that, frankly. Cancelling AMC was bad enough in and of itself, but replacing it with The Chew, which sounds like a SNL skit come to life--and not even a good SNL skit. More like a skit heavily featuring Chris Kattan and Horatio Sanz--is needlessly cruel. THE CHEW!). Louise and I have been commiserating about how difficult it could be to write about All My Children and One Life to Live in the coming weeks; I'm normally quick to criticize and mocking is basically a reflex, but it felt wrong, somehow, to be honest about AMC's bad writing knowing that there are only a few months left.

Tellingly, neither of us said anything like "The show could surprise us and be, like, good!" which says a lot about the show's current state, AND YET: that's exactly what I came away from today's episode saying. That it was, like, good. Now, I could be viewing the show with overly sentimental rose-colored glasses and seeing quality entertainment where none exists or...it could have actually been good. 

The majority of my positivity, as it so often has over the past few years in Pine Valley, came from Alicia Minshew, whose last scene in today's episode was just staggering. Kendall finally (FINALLY!) realized that there was something not quite right about Ricky when he hugged her and called her sweetheart. She realized, in fact, that he is EVIL and probably a MURDERER.

Ricky: I'm here, Kendall. It's going to be okay, sweetheart. It's going to be okay.
Kendall: (Pauses, raises her eyebrow and then realizes that nothing about this is all right)
Ricky: You don't look okay at all.
Kendall: (Jumping away from him like he was on fire, or diseased, or Brian Frons) Uh, um, I will be. I just, uh, I just need to be alone right now. I appreciate everything that you've done, I just need to be alone. I hope you understand.
Ricky: Of course. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
Kendall (Trying not to be physically ill): Okay.

All My...Sadness. And Anger.

I've lost count of how many times I've received a comment with some variation of the phrase "If you hate the show so much, why don't you just stop watching?" (not that I was actually keeping count, although such a bizarre tally is up my alley) and it always baffled me and Becca during our days as fledgling soap bloggers.

"They think we HATE soaps."
"We don't hate them at all! Where on earth would they get that impression?"
"I don't know. Maybe because we post obsessively detailed screeds about what we don't like."
"Yeah, on a daily basis."
"And we've actually said 'I hate this effing show'."
"I guess, but still...people are really reading into things!"

Because I don't hate soaps. Obviously, I hate some (many) (most?) (I'm not helping my own case here, am I?) soap storylines, and characters, and decisions writers and producers have made over the years; I'm only human. And yes, I mock...and rant...and get angry (again with digging myself deeper. Remind me not to take the witness stand, should I ever find myself on trial!) but it's less out of hate and more out of...disappointment. You know? I feel like a stern teacher watching a bright student fail because they didn't do the homework. Or Tyra Banks, when she sees that her favorite wannabe model can't take a decent picture to save her life. "You're better than this [failing grade] [dead-eyed photo] [ridiculous and implausible plot twist]!"

And the thought of not watching never crossed my mind. Not just because it's my job, but because I can't imagine not knowing what's happening with Robin Scorpio, or Sami Brady, or Erica Kane!

Unfortunately, what's happening with Erica Kane is cancellation: in one fell swoop, ABC Daytime axed All My Children and One Life to Live to make room for two new lifestyle shows. I'm not usually at a loss for words, but I don't really even know what to say. I've been trying to write for a while, about when I first started watching and loving AMC. Or make a list of a handful of my favorite AMC moments and couples, either that I got to watch as they happened or discovered years after the fact and still love. But the words are just not coming. I can't imagine that, in just a few months, we won't have Erica and Kendall, and Tad and Angie, and other characters that I've grown to love over the years and characters that I've...never liked, but have still gotten used to seeing five times a week! I like my routine, okay? And part of my daily routine is creating new turns of phrase to describe the horror that is Ryan Lavery.

It's truly the end of an era and I am just...so sad.  

And it's doubly sad and also fucking enraging that Brian Frons still has a job.

Check In With Me Later, Weeping In A Corner

So a lot of the entertainment media folks are now reporting that both One Life to Live and All My Children have officially been canceled, with AMC finishing in September and OLTL finishing in January.

It's bad. It's not a rumor anymore. I'm going to wait until I've had time to collect my thoughts before completely freaking out but, you guys, I am completely freaking out. And heartbroken. And angry.

More later, but right now my heart just hurts for the hundreds and hundreds of people who work for those two shows.

Also? Suck it, ABC.

Lennie Briscoe Would Not Stand For This!

I know that murder investigations in Pine Valley are so common that they've lost their mystique and have taken on sort of a casual air, but seriously, I feel like the police should be conducting their conversations with murder suspects in interrogation rooms, not in the middle of the police station joined by a group of pals!

 
Are we solving a murder mystery or trying to come to an agreement on where to order takeout? Somewhere, S. Epatha Merkerson (if she took her Law & Order role even half as seriously as I did) is shaking her head in disgust and she doesn't know why.

I especially like how Griffin could just have private chats with everyone.

 
"Oh, you and Kendall need to talk? Okay. Here, we'll turn our backs and give you some privacy".

Shoddy police work, PVPD! Not that this is breaking news or anything, since every investigation this police force conducts can be described as hopelessly inept, but still!

Oh, they also just let a random reverend hang out at the crime scene. Oh, sure, they objected for a whole half a second, but then shrugged their shoulders as if to say, "Can you add a line about taking back the contamination of this evidence when you're done with your prayer, Rev?"

 
And they didn't even notice how glaringly EVIL said reverend was, but more on that in a minute.

I guess I should back up: Griffin, like every person who has ever stepped foot in Pine Valley, is suspected of murder.

Specifically, the murder of the evil Diana, who was killed by the equally evil Ricky, who did a pretty impressive job of framing Griffin.  
Although, considering the police force he's dealing with, maybe it's not so impressive after all.

The Kid Is All Right

Perhaps it's because I have younger brothers, years of babysitting experience and the bad luck to almost always wind up in line at Target behind toddlers in the midst of a meltdown, but I never considered a child having a prolonged temper tantrum to be the very definition of a good time.

Boy, was I wrong! It turns out that temper tantrums can be hilarious, especially when the child in question is Emma Lavery and the meltdown is spurred by her complete and utter disgust with Ryan and Greenlee's "great romance".

 
Emma: Get out of my way!
Greenlee: Listen, listen. We're gonna have a great time together today. I have that lemonade that you like, and I have tons of Fusion samples--body lotion and that lip gloss you like.
Emma: I don't want your stupid makeup. I want Mommy!
Greenlee: Ok. You can't see her. Emma, Emma, don't do that. Emma, stop.
Emma: Let go of me.
Greenlee: Ok. Listen. Take it easy, ok? Just take it easy. It's ok.
Emma: You don't want me to see Mommy.
Greenlee: That's not true.
Emma: Yes, it is. She said you broke up our family.
Greenlee: What? No.
Emma: You took Daddy away from her, and now you're trying to take me.
Greenlee: Listen. I would never, ever try to come between you and your mommy. You love her, and she loves you.
Emma: I hope Daddy finds out what a horrible person you are and leaves you forever.

Emma: I don't want you here.

This is the epitome of Must-See TV! I know I am getting ahead of myself here, but I can't help but imagine how amazing it would be if the great Rylee villain were vanquished once and for all by an elementary schooler.

I'm sure this won't last for long and that Emma will eventually be subdued, and she and Ryan and Greenlee and Madison's baby (because you know at some point Madison will do something to irk Ryan and he'll retaliate by taking custody) will be one big happy family, wearing matching t-shirts and frolicking around Pine Valley, blinding the rest of the town with their smugness, but for now? Capital L L-O-V-E.

As Subtle As a Sledgehammer

All My Children has never been known for its grasp on subtlety; whenever there's a situation where the audience knows a secret while a character is in the dark, the writing goes absurdly over-the-top marveling at their own cleverness. Like with Ricky: whenever he's onscreen, you can hear the writers elbowing you. "HAHAHA! Watch this--he's SO BAD, but people think he's GOOD! Oh, my, are we a bunch of cards or what?"

The writers are treating Angie and Jesse's baby-switch with similar amounts of nuance (like...none). For the most part, I do have to say that this story has had me glued to the past couple of episodes. I was appalled when I first heard about it and I think it's very dark and depressing, but I can't deny that it's compelling. And Darnell Williams has just been a revelation, with the terror and the desperation and the crushing pressure of bearing this big secret and knowing what will happen if the truth is uncovered. If the Emmys meant anything, I'd start campaigning for him now!

But. BUT!

• Ellie? Ellie? Jesse, I heard our daughter. I heard her crying. Mommy's here.
• But I know God would've never taken her away from us. Never, because he knew how much we needed her, how much we wanted her. Right? Right, my precious? Oh, it's ok. It's ok, sweetheart. Mommy's here. Oh, Mommy's here. Mommy's here, sweetheart.
• Please, Ellie, it's Mommy. It's Mommy.
• Ellie, it's ok! It's ok! Mommy's right here!
• Baby's got strength. Our baby. Shh. Mommy's here. Mommy's here.
• Can I tell you a secret? Mommy was scared, so scared.
• Is someone calling for Mommy? Does she know I'm right here?
• But I know God would've never taken her away from us. Never, because he knew how much we needed her, how much we wanted her. Right? Right, my precious? Oh, it's ok. It's ok, sweetheart. Mommy's here. Oh, Mommy's here. Mommy's here, sweetheart.
• Jesse? Jesse, the baby. Mommy's coming. Hold on, sweet pea. Mommy's coming. Hold on, baby. Mommy's coming. See? Mommy found you all by herself. Yes, she did! Yes, she did. Mommy got you. It's ok.
• Mommy loves you.

Good lord. I don't know how much more I can take of the "Mommy's here" and the vision of the writers saying "GET IT? Because that's not Angie's baby!" and giving each other gleeful high-fives before I just lose it.

Also? Did you know that Griffin SAVES LIVES?!?!?! I'm sure you did, since you remembered that he's a doctor and that's what doctors do, but the writers clearly have no faith that you're able to retain that information.

• Cara: Griff -- he saved Kendall's life.
• Kendall: Is there anything you wouldn't do to save lives?
• Kendall: You are a globetrotting doctor who saves lives.
• Kendall: You've pulled people out of trenches. You save lives.

On the bright side, at least the actors don't have to learn many lines...

Then there is some BIG news, courtesy ABC Soaps In Depth: All My Children is not being canceled (for now, at any rate, which is maybe a Debbie Downer thing to note in the midst of what was intended to be a celebratory opening sentence) and. AND! Lorraine Broderick is going to be the new headwriter! That's exciting, right? Her stint as interim headwriter showed us that she is an innovative thinker, willing to try bizarre things like "drawing on history" and "writing true to character", so it's possible that we could soon see a sorely needed uptick in quality. Let's all flail our hands excitedly to celebrate and ignore the fact that the past few writing regimes were even worse than their predecessors (well, almost always--nothing and nobody could ever be worse than Charles Pratt)!

Fascinating. Morbidly, But Still: Fascinating

If Angie hadn't delivered her baby today, marking the start of a story that could wind up being the slowest motion trainwreck All My Children has seen in weeks, I probably would have deleted this episode from my DVR sight unseen because really:

Caleb learns from Erica's maid that Erica has gone off to get married; Jesse delivers his baby; JR, AJ and Marissa reconnect.

People can't really be wondering why the ratings are so terrible, right? Because the four-letter long answer is staring them in the face: D-U-L-L (although S-H-I-T would be another acceptable answer). Much like he was with her twin sister, JR and Marissa are completely toxic together. Or at least, I experience the symptoms of a deadly toxin whenever they are onscreen, in that I instantly become listless, lethargic and find myself praying for death. Caleb? Please. I just cannot. I don't know what he said or did during his seemingly interminable airtime today, but I know that it was boring and delivered by Michael Nouri with the passion and inflection of a man reciting his grocery list.

But I just had to see the start of the Jesse and Angie story unfold, just to gauge exactly how much of a trainwreck it is going to be. And maybe I am grading on one hell of a curve, because compared to the rest of the show it was some downright Emmy-worthy writing, but it doesn't seem as heinous as I assumed. Sure, it's preposterous. And it's only JUST started, and could very well go down the drain tomorrow with Darnell Williams moving from heartbroken to "manic and also, crazy". And it might have felt more organic if the writers had just left Williams and Debbi Morgan go offscreen and get a few minutes of screentime each week just acting out random DRAMATIC scenarios for their Emmy reels.

For now, though? The performances were definitely worth watching.

Jesse: No. NO! I did everything I could. I begged you to open your eyes. I begged you to take a breath. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh my god, we loved you so much. We loved you!

Angie: Ellie? Ellie? Jesse, I heard our daughter. I heard her crying. Mommy's here, Ellie. Don't worry.

I mean, Jesse's look of horror and shock at the episode's end was amazing. And it's probably the same look I will have on my face during tomorrow's episode, so...

Putting On A Happy Face. For Now.

I spent the better part of this week with my nerves completely frayed, worried that the rumors would be confirmed and that All My Children would be officially canceled. The show's grisly possible fate had been discussed everywhere from Deadline to The Wall Street Journal to People.com to the conversation between two women in line in front of me at Starbucks and I was starting to bug. I refreshed soap news websites about [REDACTED because it's just...embarrassing. I don't think even the cast was as into it as I was yesterday] times and found myself seriously worried! I mock it a lot--perhaps a more honest statement would be "I mock it always"--but the prospect of not having All My Children to watch (and, yes, complain about in increasingly wordy and increasingly vulgar ways) left me depressed and dejected and despairing and other painful adjectives that begin with D. 

When the official word came that AMC had (temporarily?) been spared, I decided to do something to show my appreciation. "As God is my witness," I cried, because I love grand gestures and Scarlett O'Hara impressions, "I will say something positive about All My Children EVERY DAY!"

Then I watched Wednesday's show and immediately amended that to "...starting tomorrow" because yesterday's episode was a quagmire of just boring awfulness. There is literally--literally!--nothing in the world more boring than watching Caleb navel-gazing about who even knows what, while Michael Nouri looks off-screen at something he enjoys more than being on this show. And liberal doses of Krystal and Marissa? I was in a stupor, from boredom.

But then today came and it was...a lot of the same, but also: A BACHELOR CHARITY AUCTION. It's so old school soapy and ridiculous that I can't help but love it already. It's more than a little bit silly, but in the way that basically guarantees at least a few minutes of delight.

But then a few minutes ago came and several people gave me a heads up about an upcoming story. After the jump a SPOILER. It spoils the story AND your appetite.

In Which Emma Lavery Captures The Hearts of Millions

Okay, so anyone who pays even slight attention to daytime ratings knows that title is hugely hyperbolic, but "Emma Lavery Captures The Hearts of Tens" just didn't have the same ring to it and regardless of just how many worshippers this adorable little moppet has, the point remains: the girl is all kinds of amazing.

Emma: If Mommy's at the hospital, I want to go, too.
Greenlee: Emma, that's not possible.
Emma: Fine, I'll go by myself. I know how to get there.
Ryan: Hey, Mommy's not at Pine Valley hospital, sweetie.
Emma: Where is she?
Ryan: She's at a hospital called Oak Haven.
Emma: I've heard of that place. Mommy was scared of it. She said she'd die if she went back.
Ryan: That's not going to happen, I promise you. That's not going to happen.
Emma: I don't believe you, Daddy. I hate you. I HATE YOU.

 
I hate you. I HATE YOU.

I hate you. I HATE YOU.

I hate you. I HATE YOU.

I am not going to tell you the number of times I rewound that scene just to drink in those beautiful words again and again, because you'd judge me (or you'd share your own absurd number of re-watches and then we'd get into a "Who Hates Ryan Lavery More?" contest), but let's just say it was a lot.

And Ryan's baffled reaction was just the icing on the cake.

"Nobody's ever said those words to me in that order. Emma, are you sure you weren't trying to say "I hate your awesomeness?" because you're slightly jealous of me?"

My Heart Is Melting, Just a Tad (Pun!)

I know that when I look back on this post someday, I am going to cringe for my mid-March self and how hopelessly naive I was, getting swept up in the awesome potential of Tad and Cara, even though it will all likely be shot to hell in character-assassinating ways in as little as three weeks, but really. Look at them. LOOK AT THEM!

 
THEY ARE ADORABLE!

If the headwriters have even half a working brain between them (ha, I made a joke), they'd do a slowburn story with Tad and Cara falling in love for real (and then they can have another wedding, like Jake and Amanda did, and that wedding will probably also be ADORABLE) because Michael E. Knight and Lindsay Hartley are just SO good together, and I would do a whole lot of swooning and squealing, and I'm not saying that the writing staff should make storyline decisions based on whether or not I'd enjoy them; I'm just saying that it would be nice, considering some of what I have sat through.

But since history has a habit of repeating itself, mostly because the writers seem to do little more than photocopy old scripts, that probably won't happen, so I might as well enjoy the squealing while I can.

During the wedding itself, Tad and Cara were trying their hardest to put on big smiles and speak in the chirpiest of voices to send a message to Agent Trumbull and the various naysayers that this isn't a terrible mistake, so their best moments came after the ceremony. Specifically, way after the ceremony, when they were cleaning up from the festivities...can I just say that this hastily put together marriage of convenience seemed to have a better turnout than the elaborate wedding of Sonny and Brenda?

 
Because really.

Anyway, as they tidied, Tad realized that immigration officials were lurking outside spying on them.

Tad: No, that's what I mean. It doesn't exactly scream "crazy in love wedding night," you and me hanging around, cleaning up.
Cara: Ok. Fair enough. So, what, you want to crack the window, and I can fake a Meg Ryan?

Tad giggled in response. Seriously, he actually giggled and it was genuinely adorable.

Instead of faking orgasms for Immigration's benefit, Tad suggested that they check into a luxurious honeymoon suite at a hotel where they shared a sweet, goofy first dance.

 

 
So much cuteness!