Serial Drama

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Becca Thomas

Another Daytime Emmys ceremony has come and gone, and I'm thrilled, confused, and irritated all at once. Thrilled because there was some seriously, seriously bad fashion on display, and it was oodles of fun to mock. And confused or irritated by...well, by virtually everything else.

First, the things that irritated me least. DAYS's Ava was written almost incomprehensibly (still irritating these many months later), but Tamara Braun worked wonders with what she was given, so I was happy for her Supporting Actress win (and she looked absolutely gorgeous--bonus!). Also on the DAYS front, I am always happy to see someone from my two shows win something, particularly if the show is DAYS, which, let's face it, rarely gets nominated, much less wins anything. So congrats to Darin Brooks (Max) on his Younger Actor win, though I remain a bit puzzled by his nomination. (And by his suit at the ceremony, but that is a discussion for a different day.)

GH's Julie Marie Berman should have won the Outstanding Younger Actress award last year, so while I didn't think she had the same level of material or performances this year, I'm happy for her make-up win. Perhaps the same logic will bring Kirsten Storms the award next year. She didn't even get a nomination last year when by all rights she should have won for her performance as Maxie mourning Georgie, but at least we're moving in the right direction.

Whining Semi-Professionally For Three Whole Years

Somehow we both managed to forget our three-year blogiversary last week.  Obviously, as would be the case in a traditional relationship, this has caused us to reexamine our connection and enter counseling.  While we work through our myriad issues and contemplate whether this whole co-blogging thing is really right for us, or whether instead our twins and sextuplets would be better off with us on separate blogs, we invite you to peruse the most popular entries of our third year, based on your comments and visits.  We ask for privacy during this difficult time.  (Except for the regular interviews we will provide about our progress, the personal diaries we will post as blog entries, and the reality show that a crappy cable network -- or the CW! -- will be picking up momentarily.  Other than that, like we said, PRIVATE.)

We wrapped up the second season of Night Shift on a high note and vowed to write Sri Rao love notes until the end of time or until he becomes head writer on another soap (and given the decision-making skills of most soap showrunners, the former may come before the latter).

We lamented the sad state of General Hospital repeatedly, loudly, bitchily, and hopefully -- on occasion -- somewhat amusingly.  We were reduced to examining it by the numbers, as an instructive lesson in how to be terrible, and were sometimes just left with our lists.  The only solidly good constant throughout our third year, upon closer review, appears to be baby Emma.  Love you, boo.  Try to stay out of snow-covered trees this next year, 'kay?

We reviewed 2008 and struggled for entries on the “best” side of the list.

We relived some of General Hospital’s golden years, which then made us even more bitter about the shitpile the show has become.

We weathered the firing and somehow even shoddier subsequent treatment of big stars.  (Ones that we didn’t really like, but still…)

We said goodbye to a daytime legend.

We suffered through The Thong Incident.

We shuddered through inappropriate groping.

We peeked into Robin’s Diary.

We marveled over All My Children’s awfulness, and Ryan Lavery’s inability to fail at failing.

We rolled our eyes through product placement nonsense.

We begged a heroine to choose herself.

We had to adjust to an uneasy feeling: Hating Luke Spencer and even – gasp! – disliking his portrayer.

We wondered how Charles Pratt remains employed, but then we remembered that Bob Guza does too, at the same network, and it made more sense.  Well…”sense.”

We wondered who they’re trying to kid with the whole “she’s Liza!” thing.

We watched some new-to-us shows (and Mallory jinxed Guiding Light and got it canceled).

We watched Y&R actually get good and therefore difficult to mock, but then rejoiced with the whole Colleen’s murder thing that allowed the bitching to perk up.

We watch Gossip Girl so were luckily able to track down the Daytime Emmys on the tiny lil’ CW and say a few things about the whole shebang.  (“Shebang” is actually far too generous, but soaps are supposed to be overdramatic so we’re trying to stick with a theme.)

We welcomed an awesome guest blogger.

We had conflicting thoughts about the re-re-recasting of Lucky Spencer.

And finally, we have no link for this one, but we continued to be completed flattered, baffled, and delighted by the fact that you read and comment on our blog, and looked forward to three more years and beyond!

Our Column in the 10/6 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

For our latest My Take/My Take, Too column, our editors asked us to share our thoughts about the Daytime Emmys. You may remember that we had thoughts--lots of them. After a substantial amount of time turning sentiments like "RAAAAAAGE" and "What is she weari--OH MY GOD, MY EYES" into actual sentences, excising curses and cutting our marathon list of complaints down to 500 words, our latest columns appear in the October 6th issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today.

GH Wins Outstanding Writing; People Run To Dictionaries To Confirm Definition of "Outstanding"

We woke up yesterday morning with vague, hazy memories of what could be the most bizarre, poorly produced Daytime Emmy telecast ever. Some of the memories were so strange (Fashion Show?!?!) that we wondered, hopefully, if we had hallucinated the whole thing, but then the tragic details came rushing back to us. Like General Hospital's writing staff being named the best at writing in all of daytime!

The closing credits of Sunday night's allegedly-real-and-not-an-elaborate-practical-joke ceremony informed us that the voting panels are “made up of people with outstanding accomplishments in their respective fields.”  We are forced to conclude, therefore, that said fields for the people who vote on writing are 1) being terrible, 2) enjoying watching a beloved genre circle the drain, and 3) exercising exceptionally poor judgment.

Yes, after a year that included

• Undead Diego being revealed as the Text Message Killer
• Michael being shot in the head as punishment for using a gun
• Limo sex
• The bungling of daytime's first HIV+ pregnancy
• Nikolas having sex with a tumor (okay, with a figment of his tumor-addled brain, but STILL!)
• The introduction of Claudia Zacchara
• Logan's murder/the debut of Ghost Logan
• Involving two distinguished physicians in an effing blog war
• Sonny breaking up with Jason and leaving the mob but not really because the mob is wonderful and great and where he's meant to be

in addition to the usual

• Mafia overload
• Endless violence
• Rampant misogyny

the writers were named the best in daytime. At writing, not sucking!  Does not compute.

poll by twiigs.com

P.S. To the person who found Serial Drama yesterday with the Google search "why was general hospital not nominated for 2009 emmy for best drama":  You should really probably not read this blog.  Maybe you should spend your time instead on a lengthy research project of what "best" means...or even just "good"...or "not aggressively horrible."

The Daytime Emmy Award Winners: Our Take

The 36th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards have come and gone, and were a blend of bizarre, awkward, and terrible, with a few fleeting glimpses of quality. We found ourselves this year in the unfamiliar position of being familiar with nearly all of the winners. Thoughts? Yes, we have some.

Outstanding Supporting Actor: TIE! Vincent Irizarry (David, AMC) and Jeff Branson (Shayne, GL)

What's with the Daytime Emmys and their ties? It seems wrong! We're not sure what the most viable tiebreaker option would be (Our minds always go to dance-offs, but that seems impractical and doesn't, strictly speaking, have anything to do with soaps. Then again, most of this inane broadcast had nothing to do with soaps, either, so it's perhaps more plausible than we originally thought.), but we shouldn't complain too much, since two very good actors were rewarded for their performances this year. Jeff Branson's reel was Mallory's favorite, and Vincent Irizarry's win led to his adorable speech...

(Fun fact: Jeff Branson was the overwhelming pick by Serial Drama voters for who should win the Emmy and was the only one of your picks to actually do so.)

Outstanding Supporting Actress: Tamara Braun (ex-Ava, DAYS)

We're equally surprised and happy that Tamara Braun won this year, because she was simply so much FUN as Ava, and her shock upon winning was adorable. Plus, she looked gorge.

Okay, so according to most of you Bree Williamson probably should have won (we'd ask Louise for comment, but she's currently in the fetal position, weeping), but we can't deny the entertaining power of Braun's reel, plus, we like to think of this award as a big "We're so sorry that you were saddled with the worst character in the worst soap storyline in the history of the world" statement. 

The Serial Drama Daytime Emmy Awards Awards

From:  Mallory
To:  Becca
Date:  Sun, Aug 30, 2009 at 8:06 PM

Subject:  Oh...my god

Oh...my god.

When a show inspires that reaction in its first six minutes, you can be sure that it's going to be a rough two hours.  We survived, barely, and decided to give back to the Emmys, if you will, by giving out our own dubious awards to the 36th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards.  It's the least one can do.  Well, no, the least one could do is what the people in charge of the ceremony's production last night did, but this is the least we personally can do.

We have already bestowed our Best and Worst awards on last night's fashion choices. In case you missed them: our Best Dressed and Worst Dressed lists. 

MOST CREATIVE USE OF THE WORD "INFORMATIVE"
Tyra Banks winning "Outstanding Informative Talk Show"

She informs people about what, exactly?  How to wear fake hair?  How to make everything about you? How to shriek for no real reason? We can't help but feel like being in this category and deemed informative is going to make her smugger than ever.

"Yeah, that's right, I educate people. I teach people, I mold young minds, I am an inspiration!"

MOST UNCOMFORTABLE THREE MINUTES OF THE TELECAST
The Fashion Show

First of all, it started with Tyra's introduction, informing us that "Daytime has always been on the cutting edge of fashion."  Which proved yet again that Tyra can't stop lying.  But then, it got worse!  Watching random pairs of cast members from each of the soaps preen, vamp and shake their groove thangs for a fake photographer was...

...well, it ended, is the good news.

MOST DISTURBING SEGUE TO SHOWCASING THE GOOD DEEDS OF A CHARITY
Susan Lucci Stalks From The Fashion Show To A Speech About Feed The Children

La Lucci weirdly pranced and catwalked her way over from the above fashion show right to the microphone, where she launched into a solemn tale about the importance of the Feed The Children charity.

The clip package that followed, showcasing her trip with Tony Geary and Kelly Monaco, to Africa for the charity was amazing and emotional, but, really, they couldn't have put a commercial break in between the cheesy "fashion show" and the legitimate charity? Well, we guess that they actually literally couldn't, since they quite nearly ran out of time as it is, but still!

MOST HEARTBREAKING
Feed The Children

Mallory: I'm crying.
Becca: I am ashamed to have been totally moved by something these manipulative producers specifically designed to move me, but come on, I have a functioning heart.  I totally teared up when Tony Geary and Kelly Monaco did!
Mallory: I think my heart just broke into a million pieces at the sight of those children. Especially when they were in their little uniforms!

MOST HILARIOUS HEIGHT DIFFERENCE
James Scott and Jay Kenneth Johnson

It's funny because JKJ is wee!

P.S. James Scott is a sex god.

Daytime Emmys Recap: The Night's Worst Moment

We know that you're probably asking yourselves, "How is it possible to pick ONE moment that stands out as the show's worst?" And you're right, it's a tough decision, because virtually everything about the 2009 Daytime Emmys (save anything to do with muppets), from the awful red carpet to some undeserving winners to the truly shitty production, can be summed up as terrible. But which of these horrors was the most horrible?

poll by twiigs.com

Daytime Emmys Recap: The Most Awesome Moments

The 2009 Daytime Emmys were an even bigger mess than we had anticipated but, over the three hours of pure badness, there were some nice moments. Yes, this is one of those times in which "some" is really an overstatement because what you really mean is "two, maybe three", but nobody ever said overstatement was a bad thing.  Just ask Stacy Haiduk, who wore a taxidermy cat to the ceremony!  That's right, the best moments of this year's Emmys were much like a dead cat.  Wait, this whole comparison has kind of gone off the rails.  What we meant to say is that we'd like you to pick your favorite of the handful of good things that happened last night (keeping in mind we are assuming you have very tiny hands).

poll by twiigs.com

Daytime Emmys Recap: Worst Dressed

If you've been reading us long enough, you know that what we like even more than pretty ensembles are baffling ones, not only because it allows us the chance to broaden our vocabularies and learn new words to put in our mocking arsenal, but also because our reaction to them is usually totally reasonable and not at all OTT dramatic and hypercritical.  Well, one of those things is probably true.

As they do every year, the Daytime Emmys brought us a boatload of fug that went from run-of-the-mill visually unappealing (of the "you have money and access to tons of stuff -- though admittedly to a lesser extent than people at Real Grown-Up Network-Based awards show -- so why do you look so meh?"), to the "HOLY GOD MY EYES! MY EYES!" sartorial travesties.  Our picks for Worst Dressed of the 2009 Emmy Awards are below.

Rachel Melvin

RACHEL! You are young, thin and gorgeous. You chose the one dress in the universe that could possibly make you look bad.  Not just bad: insane. The ginormous flower, the tulle bustle, the beaded tulle in random places, the earrings, the fact that it appeared on camera to be both the color and texture of mold...we could go on, but we don't have the bandwidth to list every single fashion don't in this ensemble.

Gina Tognoni

The color is beautiful on her, but that bow, and that hair, and those earrings! Dreadful.  Becca actually yelped when she saw the hair, and it launched junior high flashbacks that lasted throughout the evening.  They were somewhat counterbalanced by her mother's 65-year-old boyfriend walking through the living room, catching a glimpse of Gina's coif, and exclaiming "Last of the Mohicans"!  So hilarity ensued, but so did mid-80s flashbacks, Ms. Tognoni, and those are rarely good.

Ashley Jones

From the print, which is surely a favorite of kindly old ladies who play canasta and/or the cushions on rattan couches in Florida, to the random beading and ugly back, this was wrong, wrong, wrong.

Daytime Emmys Recap: Best Dressed

You are all probably observant enough to learn a few things about us over the years, dear readers. We're both bitter, for example. We have foul mouths. And we also have a deep and abiding love for things that are pretty.

The Daytime Emmys, for all of its faults, did give us a whole lot of pretty last night. Below, the Serial Drama Best Dressed List for the 2009 Daytime Emmys.

Tyra Banks

Do you know how strange it feels to be complimentary of a Tyra Banks outfit, let alone put her at the very top of our Best Dressed list? It feels VERY FOREIGN, let's just say that. Just a short year ago, we deemed her "just the worst" and she was the overwhelming pick for worst dressed. So to see her looking so chic and gorgeous is unsettling, to say the least, but we have to give it to her: she looks spectacular.  (Fortunately, later in the evening Emmy voters once again encouraged Tyra's delusion that she is both informative and the next Oprah by giving her another damn award, so overall we had a night of love-hate balance with Ty-Ty.)

Marcy Rylan

Mallory: Maternity adorability!

Becca: She looks adorable, but like she's due yesterday, and possibly with a human/giant hybrid.  I worry about her center of gravity.  And OMG, the poor thing in that heat! Let's give her an award just for showing up, let alone looking so cute.

She looks cute and comfortable, and the hair and makeup are impeccable.

Tamara Braun

Gorgeous!  She looked like a million bucks from head to toe, and the contrasting earrings were an especially fabulous touch.