Serial Drama

A Visit to TV's Beverly Hills

I don't have the faintest idea what's possessed me to do this instead of writing about today's General Hospital or The Bold & the Beautiful but... wait, I do. More Sandy coverage meant they didn't record and I have to watch them online, and can I just whine about all the pausing I have to do to take notes while watching an episode on the computer I'm using to take said notes? LIFE IS SO HARD. 

So instead, I'm sitting down to something that did record. And hey, it's a soap, so I'll write about it. I don't know how many of you watch 90210 (as in the new version, not the original decade-long parade of bad fashion and smug behavior and general awesomeness), but I admit it. I do. It was god-awful for the first two seasons and then it shifted somehow and stopped trying to be something it wasn't and embraced its ridiculousness. And then another weird shift happened where I started loving the characters I had hated (Naomi and Ivy, for instance) and loathing the characters I'd loved (Silver and Adriana, for instance). Sometimes I hate-watch, sometimes I snark-watch, and sometimes I actually find myself being genuinely entertained.

Now the embarrassing truth is out there. Monday nights don't offer much amusing television, and tonight's How I Met Your Mother decided to stop being a rough copycat of Friends but with a fun gimmick and better continuity and mythology and turn into Friends, Part II with just not even a hint of an attempt to hide it (okay, I did like the little dog). So here I am, sitting down as Naomi, Annie, Ade, and Silver sit down to some salads. Naomi's talking about how she has to get a Brazilian before hubby Max returns in two hours, which seems like not enough time to let the burning and swelling go down but whatevs. I hear waxing in Bev Hills is magic! Ade and Dixon, apparently, are going to start focusing on their careers again so at least there will be something to fast-forward soon! 

Apparently Silver's little nude photo session has gone viral and some dude sends champagne over to the girls, which by process of elimination means Annie has to be the one to go say hello to this guy. Poor guy. He didn't know!

Liam apparently has a supermodel for a professor. This supermodel is very unimpressed with him, so I wonder how long till we see some gratuitous scene of Liam dry-humping her up against a chalkboard.

Something's going on with Adriana and Dixon and their "career," which somehow involves that dude Adriana was boning when Dixon got rammed by an eighteen-wheeler, which is about as exciting as... nothing. But I think his name is Taylor?

Silver is all offended that the nude photos of her are out there, so she gets all smug and pious about it because she is Erin Silver and it's kind of her thing. Her sister went through that phase, too, but at least her sister had unfortunate haircuts and smugmeister Brandon as things to blame.

At least Silver has nice hair this season. 
Colin, the dude from the bar, uses his fancy computer skills to remove all of the nekkid photos of Silver from the worldwide web. And yet Annie still turns him down for a date!

Trial of the Century! Or, You Know, the Day.

Whichever comes first.

So first we got Jesse Vasquez, D.A., otherwise known as the man who totally ruined Andrea Zuckerman as a character on Beverly Hills, 90210. Well, okay, to be fair it might have been more that they wrote a "challenges of raising a baby when you're still just kids yourselves!" storyline for actors who looked to be in their forties at the time, but whatever. Jesse sucked and he was rude to Dylan McKay, love of my life.

There won't be forgiveness anytime soon, Vasquez! Think again!

But I digress. (Which is totally unlike me!)

Speaking of Sonny's super-exciting trial in which they'll probably totally prove that Sonny's guilty and send him to prison for the rest of his life (Right? We're all dying to see if that happens, right? Oh, the suspense!), just a quick note to the GH directing team: there are a number of GH-only viewers bristling at the introduction of the OLTL crossover characters. Eventually they'll be integrated into the show enough that they'll be taken as any other new character -- on their own merits, some will hate them and some will love them. But a hint? If you want the character of Starr Manning to win any viewers over, stop letting her make this face.

It's odd that a simple facial expression can make a character wholly unsympathetic but I assure you, it can! The perma-snarl is not doing the eldest Manning child any favors.

Fortunately they really sped through the trial since it's not really the point, as we all know Sonny didn't do it (our first clue being the fact that he was accused of it), and they did so to get to what is clearly the main event:

I Choose SOAPNet Marathons

It's rare that I am ever thankful for anything SOAPNet related, unless one counts the new and creative swearing that I get to do when confronted with one of their typically boneheaded programming moves, but this year I have two reasons to be grateful. The first, of course, is the fantastic second season of General Hospital: Night Shift and the other? Today's epic "Kelly's Leftovers" marathon of Beverly Hills 90210.

If you are not going to brave the Black Friday crowds, spend 10 hours with 90210's spoiled, daddy issue laden, boyfriend-stealing, drug-addicted, diet pill popping, rape victim, cult member, burn victim, shooting victim, stalking victim, temporary amnesiac, rapist shooting self-chooser!  The marathon starts at 11 AM with the Spring Dance episode and ends with the series finale at 8 PM and is guaranteed to be entertaining, sometimes even on purpose!

Donna Martin Hallucinates

So you may have heard that the CW is considering a 90210 spin-off that would revolve around the next generation (or, considering the ages of the actors on the original show, the next next generation) of rich Beverly Hills teens.  (BTW, please note the plethora of Mom Jeans in the photo in that link.  I've been staring at it in horror/awe for at least 15 minutes.  Oh, and while we're on this subject?  Gap has some serious explaining to do.)

I am intrigued by the involvement in this supposedly real project of the dude who was in charge of Veronica Mars, because I heard that was a good show.  And I can rarely resist a cheesy teen drama.  However, this also promises to be yet another in a line of said shows that feature guys I used to lust over when I was a teenager as the father of one of the main characters, and this time it might drive me right over the edge.  I am only barely hanging on after Paul Johansson on One Tree Hill.  Not that I watch One Tree Hill.  (OMG, bringing us right back on topic, 90210 originated my crush on Paul Johansson.  Even though his character was an asshole.  And maybe a date-rapist?  I don't remember.  Whatever, don't judge.)

But more importantly, and a concern that should be slightly more widespread than the latest threat to my vanity:  90210 kind of sucked.  You know it's true.  We loved it, but objectively speaking it's a terrible show!  And without the kids being my same age, and pining away after Kelly Taylor's wardrobe (I told you not to judge, bitches), I don't know that I'll be able to overlook the flaws this time.  So for those of you who emailed us your similar concerns, I must agree that this is a truly WTF?! proposition that is still, somehow, oddly promising.

However, I haven't even gotten to the most WTF aspect of it yet!  You won't believe it!  When asked about her opinion on the possible spin-off, Tori Spelling opined:

Tori: They should give me a call.  Every teen drama needs a MILF, right?

TORI SPELLING CALLED HERSELF A MILF.  I need to go to a happy place.  I need to go to a happy place.  I need to go to a happy place.  The "F" in  that acronym stands for something else.  Fight?  Forget?  Fingerprint?  Flee?  Flog?  Fumigate?

90210: Season 1, Episode 4

Definitely making progress; I had to pop in Disc 2 tonight. As opposed to Disc 1, which features a picture of young lovers Dylan and Brenda, Disc 2 features a picture of Kelly and Steve. Kell, of course, has just descended from heaven and her smile about melted both my heart and my laptop's DVD player. Steve, on the other hand, sports that curious blond loofah on the top of his head. In case you're wondering, the answer to your question is yes: that's the first time I've ever Googled the word loofah. Well, the first time tonight, I should say. Let's start blogging!

90210: Season 1, Episode 3

We must begin with a retraction. Reader 'Snarkgirl' has alerted us over at Blog Headquarters that our previous post included a time snafu- when discussing the trials and tribulations of the U.S. Postal Service as it relates to delivering the Walsh mail, we put Minnesota two hours behind California instead of two hours ahead. This was an egregious, and Lancer is embarassed that he has let his readership down; as such, he has banned himself from The Green Room for one week and hopes against hope that you all forgive him. Luckily, though, his TV privileges remain intact, so on we go!

90210: Season 1, Episode 2

Greetings, soap lovers! Your old friend Lancer back, with a heartfelt apology for the delay between posts. Your intrepid hero was off on a 2-week search for Andrea Zuckerman's relevance. Finding nothing (but not for lack of trying), he has returned with a renewed sense of optimism, spirit, and joie de vivre (for those who do not speak French, 'joie de vivre' roughly translates to 'James Eckhouse's bald spot'). Anyway, good to be back, and let's get right to it!

The Pilot...comes in for a landing

All good things must come to an end...even the 90210 pilot. Before we get to the final 46 minutes, a quick recap of where we last left our heroes:

Brandon: hot tub with Maryann

Brenda: hip dance club with lawyer Jason

Kelly: arguing with bouncer

DMG!: standing next to Kelly

Steve: depressed and Kelly-less, with a smashed-up car

Young David Silver: unknown

Young Scott Scanlon: dead, or alive, wearing his Lakers hat

Andrea Zuckerman: who's she?

And now, on to the thrilling conclusion!

90210: The Pilot

Hi everybody! This is Lancer, 90210 aficiondado at your service, and ready to relive the glory days of West Beverly. I'm excited to be part of the team at Serial Drama; EBT and PI have set the bar pretty high around here, so if you're expecting their level of humor and wit...go read their posts. As for us, we'll be going through every episode of Season 1: from the pilot to the Spring Dance to the almost-move back to Minnesota for the Walsh Clan- and everything in between. Some episodes we'll do in running diary style (starting at the 0:00 mark on the trusty RealPlayer DVD thingie and working our way up), some we'll do by character, some we'll do by Top 10 Best/Worst Moments; and our editors are demanding at least one entirely from the perspective of James Eckhouse's bald spot. In any event, we'll have some fun, and all comments are welcome. And now, without further ado, let's travel back to that time long ago, wayyyyy back to October 1990, when the girls wore leggings, the boys rolled up their tshirt sleeves, Lancer was in the third grade, and there was a Bush in the White House fighting a war in Iraq...

New Feature Alert!

As you may have noticed, we have no shortage of opinions around here. We truly thought we really had all the hypercritical bases covered, but then a friend proposed doing some recaps of the now-vintage, always awesome early episodes of 90210. And since said friend is male (and therefore unlikely to steal our fashion thunder and also likely to bring a slightly different perspective to those crazy rich kids' exploits) we said sure! So, welcome Lancer, whom you can get to know using the very sophisticated likes/dislikes format that we're fond of around here.

Lancer90210 got his start in life in a place quite different from everyone's favorite zip code. From a young age, he displayed an uncanny ability to get his homework done and stay in on Friday nights. Now firmly entrenched in his mid-20s, in a job men the world over can only dream about, he's young at heart yet maintains an old soul. Like Dylan McKay, he's convinced he's been here before, and when he was, Kelly Taylor was there too.

His likes include hot weather, street hockey, witty banter, long-distance drives, corned beef on rye, public parks, marathons, C. Montgomery Burns, Snapple Peach Iced Tea, white dinner jackets, Sports Illustrated, the library, clicking the refresh button, Bruce Springsteen, the Supreme Court, nostalgia, breakfast, cocker spaniels, the 1960s, weddings, and the other side of the pillow. His dislikes include rain, the alarm clock, automatic transmissions, traffic jams, slow walkers, doing the laundry, missing the previews at the movies, lost chances, cliches, parking tickets, the time it takes to deplane, 'team-building' activities, non-HD channels, standing in line, and swiss cheese.