You guys. You guys! Run, don't walk, to watch today's episode of Days of Our Lives.
I mean, yes, it features Clay Aiken being...the way Clay Aiken is. I find him creepy. And really, troublingly, relentlessly cheesy. Like, I am embarrassed by his total lack of self consciousness. He should be self conscious! That crooning is just not right and never will be! And I'm supposed to believe Kayla is a big fan? Kayla has better things to listen to. Like pets being slaughtered.
But overall, it was awesomely awesome. Let me count the ways:
1. Doug and Julie. Heart them! Susan Seaforth-Hayes is awesome on Y&R right now as Lauren's mom and she is so often neglected here, so it was a nice surprise to see them. I had to laugh at her calling herself Claire's great grandmother. I mean, sure, she is, but I wonder how they will explain to Claire that she is also Hope's sister...
2. Alice Horton and all of the ornaments. Especially the sweet moment with Hope and Chelsea. It's hard to believe that the Chelsea of January 2006 is the same character we see now. I love you, Hogan Sheffer!
3. You knew this was coming: Steve's Christmas story. I just--I have no words. I'll let the transcript speak for itself
Okay, so, Mary was this young lady back in the olden days. She was a nice young lady, and the big dude -- God -- wanted Mary to give birth to his child, his son, right here on earth. Now, this was a big deal. So, god did some magic, and all of a sudden, Mary was gonna have a baby. Now, there's this dude named Joseph. He's a carpenter. He steps up and marries her. And they take off to a burgh called Bethlehem 'cause that's where god wanted the baby Jesus to be born. The trouble was, when they got to Bethlehem, they had no place to stay. It was late at night. It was cold. And the baby was coming. So, they met this one dude, and he said, "hey, you guys can stay in my barn." Joseph -- phew! -- He was happy about that. So he took Mary to the barn. He put her down in the hay, got her nice and cozy. Hey, you know what? It's a good thing to remember. Hay keeps you warm. If you're ever stuck in a barn at night, it'll keep you warm. Okay? So, now, word was getting around that the baby Jesus was coming. God sent his head angel out there to start the buzz, spread the word. Everybody was excited. Shepherds were hitching donkey rides. You got these three wise dudes. They're following the north star, hauling camel to get to see the baby Jesus so they can give him all these fancy things, you know, all kinds of presents, the kind of thing you give a king. So...what was the point of all this? You wonder what the point was? Well, I'll tell you. God sent his son to be born on earth to mix it up with us regular folks so that he could spread the word that peace and love is what it's all about. Yeah. God blessed the world with his child, just like you guys blessed your moms' and dads' lives when you were born. Now, I am looking at you guys, at your faces...and I can tell that each one of you is loved, just like I love my daughter... my little sweetness. You know, to most people, Christmas is about presents and toys and candy and cookies and all that stuff. And that's all good. We all like that stuff. But I got a secret for you. The best gift you can get and the best gift you can give is love. Yeah. So, feel the love in your hearts, share it with everybody around you, and we can have Christmas every day. Right?
Nothing, ever, in the world, will top that.
So, I have 90210 on right now, and it's a Christmas episode (Donna Martin's Birthday!) featuring Faux Roman as Dylan's dad who is in jail and hilariously, a prison Santa asks Dylan why he's there and then calls him "son", as if Dylan couldn't pass for 34, and it also features Brenda being hated by her parents in a totally outright fashion (I like to think that if I should ever hate one of my children that I will never let them know it) and! Steve Sanders on a spiritual quest for his birth mother. But it just clicked that the actress who plays his mom is the actress who played the heinous Kirsten on The Golden Girls. Worlds colliding! Um, Steve just told his mom that she's his real mom and I might have started crying. Is life worth living knowing that Ian Zeiring, who looks to be wearing a hairpiece, made me cry? It isn't, is it?
Urban Outfitters has a selection of awesome 90210 t-shirts, in case you happen to be interested. I would totally get the Donna Martin Graduates shirt if it didn't feature Tori's...um, Tori-like face on it. Similarly, the Senioritis shirt would be great except for the fact that you just know people would ask, "Who's the old lady on the top? Is that Estelle Getty?" (In the episode on now, Andrea is wearing the highest waisted pair of grandma pants that I have ever seen). So it looks like I might get the logo shirt. Trés cute!
Random fact: I heart getting mail. So I am seriously deciding what magazine I should subscribe to next (since, you know, it's a guaranteed piece of mail every week or month) and I considered a soap magazine. But then I took a look at their covers and I started to wonder if I could live with the shame of the mailman seeing this...
Natalia Livingston is a very pretty girl, but they sure went out of their way to fug her up on the cover of ABC Soaps in Depth. She looks like she could be Nikolas's mother, except she's not as pretty and young as Genie Francis. What the hell? I also like how they advertise a GH MURDER, as if it's shocking. There is a casualty on this show practically every episode. Then there's Soap Opera Weekly
"HOPE GIVES BIRTH: AND LEARNS BO IS THE FATHER". Firstly, I want to see how they will rewrite the fact that Bo and Hope hadn't had sex. Can it be worse than the mime reveal when Zach was born? Secondly, I thought Hope was having the baby in captivity after being taken by Patrick. Does Patrick's lair have access to paternity tests? That's so high tech.
Then: "JOHN IS SHOT". Great. We know he's not going to die, so all this will do is give Marlena another reason to gasp and moan and wail and preen in the mirror like a preteen, and gasp some more.
"SAMI SLEEPS WITH EJ". Who wouldn't? Oh, right, murderer. Whatever!
And then my favorite: "FIRED STAR: 'I'M SAD'". As if that's some sort of shocking reaction to have to being fired. Sure, it doesn't compare to the deep thought process of the similarly pink slipped Austin Peck, but what could?
And then Soap Opera Digest.
The Sheila/Phyllis picture cracks me up. SheilaPhyllis so clearly looks like she's just come out of a women's prison. See the subtle difference in their hair? Evil makes your hair lack volume. Keep that in mind should you decide to choose a life of crime.
I am horrified by the picture of Tad Martin. That's the best they could do? Michael E. Knight should sue. He hasn't been looking so puffy lately and yet here he is all Stay Puft on the cover of a national magazine.
I don't even have the energy to comment on the "HIV CRISIS" Patrick and Robin will be going through. Note to GH show runners: you have an incredibly hot actor, a crazy talented actress and chemistry that has the world convinced that they are doing it offscreen. Pleasepleaseplease stop with the depressing stories that cause the characters to say HIV and AIDS every other word. Please. I beg of you.
The single most horrifying thing, though, is the picture of the former DOOL Brady who, I guess, is going to The Bold and the Beautiful. You should only feature a scary man with thick eyebrows atop dead eyes with greasy hair and the world's biggest forehead if you want readers to run screaming.