Serial Drama

The Role of Lucky Spencer Is Now Being Played by Jonathan Jackson

Mallory really wanted to post about Jonathan Jackson's return as Lucky Spencer after today's airing of his first episode back, but she and her therapist were wary of her venturing back into multiple-personality land (it's never as fun as they make it seem on soaps!).  So you are stuck with me, and -- Debbie Downer alert! -- while I enjoyed Jackson's Lucky very much back in the day, I was far too old to have a crush on him and therefore my assessment of his return is likely to have far less "eeeee!"ing than Mal's.  I'm sure she will balance the scales at a future date.  I have it on good authority that screencaps with animated exploding hearts are well underway.

So, first day back.  "Remember me?" was a terribly cheesy opener, but Jackson had the decency to look chagrined by that, so kudos. 

And then we cut to the credits, which readers have emailed to point out still include Greg Vaughan.  How grossly cheap is this show?!  It is bad enough that the credits have at least four dead characters in them, but really, you somewhat brutally fire a longtime cast member and then leave him in the credits even after his replacement has started?  This show is to class what Lindsay Lohan is to sobriety.  (Related note:  You look fab for 56, Lindz!  Don't let anyone tell you differently!)

Side note:  The Beard must be eliminated.  A strategic razor could get in and out without causing any collateral damage.  I say we let it try.  For the good of the country.  Or at least for the couple hundred of us still watching General Hospital.

Whining Semi-Professionally For Three Whole Years

Somehow we both managed to forget our three-year blogiversary last week.  Obviously, as would be the case in a traditional relationship, this has caused us to reexamine our connection and enter counseling.  While we work through our myriad issues and contemplate whether this whole co-blogging thing is really right for us, or whether instead our twins and sextuplets would be better off with us on separate blogs, we invite you to peruse the most popular entries of our third year, based on your comments and visits.  We ask for privacy during this difficult time.  (Except for the regular interviews we will provide about our progress, the personal diaries we will post as blog entries, and the reality show that a crappy cable network -- or the CW! -- will be picking up momentarily.  Other than that, like we said, PRIVATE.)

We wrapped up the second season of Night Shift on a high note and vowed to write Sri Rao love notes until the end of time or until he becomes head writer on another soap (and given the decision-making skills of most soap showrunners, the former may come before the latter).

We lamented the sad state of General Hospital repeatedly, loudly, bitchily, and hopefully -- on occasion -- somewhat amusingly.  We were reduced to examining it by the numbers, as an instructive lesson in how to be terrible, and were sometimes just left with our lists.  The only solidly good constant throughout our third year, upon closer review, appears to be baby Emma.  Love you, boo.  Try to stay out of snow-covered trees this next year, 'kay?

We reviewed 2008 and struggled for entries on the “best” side of the list.

We relived some of General Hospital’s golden years, which then made us even more bitter about the shitpile the show has become.

We weathered the firing and somehow even shoddier subsequent treatment of big stars.  (Ones that we didn’t really like, but still…)

We said goodbye to a daytime legend.

We suffered through The Thong Incident.

We shuddered through inappropriate groping.

We peeked into Robin’s Diary.

We marveled over All My Children’s awfulness, and Ryan Lavery’s inability to fail at failing.

We rolled our eyes through product placement nonsense.

We begged a heroine to choose herself.

We had to adjust to an uneasy feeling: Hating Luke Spencer and even – gasp! – disliking his portrayer.

We wondered how Charles Pratt remains employed, but then we remembered that Bob Guza does too, at the same network, and it made more sense.  Well…”sense.”

We wondered who they’re trying to kid with the whole “she’s Liza!” thing.

We watched some new-to-us shows (and Mallory jinxed Guiding Light and got it canceled).

We watched Y&R actually get good and therefore difficult to mock, but then rejoiced with the whole Colleen’s murder thing that allowed the bitching to perk up.

We watch Gossip Girl so were luckily able to track down the Daytime Emmys on the tiny lil’ CW and say a few things about the whole shebang.  (“Shebang” is actually far too generous, but soaps are supposed to be overdramatic so we’re trying to stick with a theme.)

We welcomed an awesome guest blogger.

We had conflicting thoughts about the re-re-recasting of Lucky Spencer.

And finally, we have no link for this one, but we continued to be completed flattered, baffled, and delighted by the fact that you read and comment on our blog, and looked forward to three more years and beyond!

Watch Out Victor: Vivian Is Back In Town

According to our lovely part-time employers:

Another Alamain Back To DAYS!
It's official: Soap Opera Digest can confirm that Louise Sorel (Vivian) is returning to Salem in the fall. Look for her to hit town in late September. As previously reported, Crystal Chappell (Carly) is also coming back to the show.

Mallory could not report this news because she said "eeeeeeee!!!!!" so loud she popped a blood vessel.

As for me, I think Louise Sorel is awesome, but Vivian is from an era of Days that isn't my favorite. Though at this point they could bring back every character who ever irritated me, all at once, if it meant a little forward story movement and less screentime for all these snooze-worthy couples.  We shall see.

Just The 10 Of Us. And By "Us", I Mean "Viewers"

Jamie Luner, alumnus of such quality television programming as Melrose Place, the Lifetime movie Stranger in My Bed and Just the Ten Of Us--and I am not at all being sarcastic when I say that. I hold a deep and abiding love for all of those programs! Just the Ten of Us is delightfully cheesy and Melrose is brilliant. Perhaps even brilliant squared--is coming to Pine Valley as a recast Liza Colby.

She’s 200 kinds o’ crazy, and she’s heading back to Pine Valley! Former Melrose Placesensation Jamie Luner has been cast as the new Liza Colby on All My Childrenand will hit the air by late April/early May. The notorious man-snatching trouble-maker — played for many years by suds icon Marcy Walker — has “reinvented herself as an attorney and will come back to town to reclaim her daughter Colby [Brianne Moncreif],” exec producer Julie Hanan Carruthers tells TV Guide Magazine. “We also find out Liza is secretly working for someone in Pine Valley.” Look for more scoop from Carruthers and an exclusive interview with Luner in an upcoming issue of TV Guide Magazine.

I would be looking forward to this if she were anything remotely like Liza (can you buy Jamie Luner as Brianne Moncrief's mother? Or as Michael E. Knight, Darnell Williams and Debbi Morgan's classmate?). 

I would also probably be more excited if we had a writing staff remotely capable of handling Liza and Liza's history. Or capable of continuity. Or originality. Or writing dialogue that sounds like sentences humans would actually use....

I'm Sorry To Bother You, But Are You Aware That Your Show Sucks?

Well, by now you've probably heard the big Days of Our Lives news:

Soap Opera Digest has learned exclusively that the super popular Mary Beth Evans (Kayla) and Stephen Nichols (Steve), who returned to the show in 2006, have been let go. "It's like they're getting rid of everyone over 40," sighs a setside source.

Yes, it is like that.  But that makes total sense, because younger viewers are tuning in in DROVES (what with there being no other forms of media to attract them) and women in their 30s through 60s hate soap operas and never watch them!

I refuse to be all "Sob!  When Steve and Kayla are gone I will be too!  There is almost no reason not to boycott television, end my life, and/or start watching Guiding Light!" Because 1) I mocked people who did that about John and Marlena, 2) I get paid to watch this show, so my threats would be empty, and 3) come on, there is no reason on earth to watch Guiding Light.  But . . . without getting all uber-dramatic about it, this could very possibly signal the end of Salem, you guys.  Because what's left is either terrible or is tainted by what's terrible, and I see no signs of anything improving.

GH Wishes You an Allegedly Happy New Year

This promo is actually pretty good.  (I mean, if you don't really watch the show and know what's actually going on with most of those couples.)  It also shows that someone, somewhere at ABC Daytime knows what soaps are all about, because notice there's not a mob plot or shooting montage to be found in the entire minute.

Now, about that last bit at the end.  This is the first chance we've had to discuss this development.  I...just...why?  Could someone please explain to Bob Guza -- remembering to speak slowly and use small words -- that there is a very simple way to continue writing for characters you like.  And that is, to sum up:  STOP BRUTALLY MURDERING THEM.  Emily could have gotten a kicky haircut and splurged on a truckload of eye makeup upon her return in the new year from some volunteer effort in Africa (with Georgie).  We would have been spared her strangling (or maybe the whole Black and White Ball disaster altogether) and those disturbing few Weekend at Bernie's-esque days with people hanging out with her corpse, not to mention her return as a really happy tumor.  But noooo.  Now we have Natalia back as some other character that, due to her possession of breasts and ovaries, this writing team will inevitably either ignore or subject to disturbing levels of mistreatment and violence.  Or can we just skip ahead to the part where NewNotEmily gets murdered?  Because that would save me a lot of time and stress.  And vodka.

Gasp! Moan! Oh My!

Most of you have probably seen this by now, but just in case, there is big [un-]casting news on Days of Our Lives, according to Soap Opera Digest:

Huge DAYS Casting News!
It's hard to believe, but it's true: Superstars Deidre Hall (Marlena) and Drake Hogestyn (John) are the first two casualties of DAYS's massive budget cuts. In an exclusive interview with Soap Opera Digest, Executive Producer Ken Corday says, "The couple will be happily reunited after a long period of angst and separation and will be off-screen after January for an unknown period of time. It was a very tough decision to make." To see what else the exec has to say about the popular duo — and the show’s recent pickup by NBC — be sure to pick up the next issue of Digest.

I must admit, this doesn't upset me.  I liked them in the 80s and 90s (yes, even together -- I have not always been a hater), but Marlena in particular hasn't been an interesting character in about a decade.  I've liked the latest incarnation of John Black a lot, but if these two bring in huge salaries and had to be cut to give the show one last shot at continuing, it's fine by me.

In case you're a little weepy over this news, let's remember how annoying Marlena and John have been together over the last couple of years, shall we?  And while we're at it, I guess we can humor your nostalgia by remembering some of the better times.  (Which pretty much involve John dying or behaving like a totally different person.)

• Oh god, remember the coma months of early 2007?  "Gag me with a spoon" still seems to sum them up well.
• The brain-scarring "oooh, mama!" incident -- in words, then video -- brought on multiple guffudders.  Gasp!  Moan!  Oh my!
• Aloha!
  
• Remember when John went splat on a car, and I still couldn't be nice about Marlena?  Oh my!  And then I stupidly thought they actually did kill John off?  Gasp!  But they totally didn't?  Moan!
• I was bummed about the resurrection and the absurd daily focus on Marlena (Moan!), but then, well, The Door Incident happened, and I was nothing but gleeful.  Gasp!  Oh my!
• I even found one of their sex scenes entertaining ("Brace yourself!"), and ultimately it was that kind of romance that made me fall madly in love with the new John Black.  Gasp!  Oh my!

Okay, maybe I'll miss them a little bit.  Their departure will significantly decrease Days' mocking opportunities.  Gasp!  Moan!  Oh my!

Good ("Good"?) News and Bad News

So Days of Our Lives finally got renewed, though only for 18 months.  If the writing doesn't significantly improve, that will be the longest year and a half of my life.  Lord, beer me strength.

The truly bad news is that in order to meet the budget cuts that were apparently part of the renewal package, a ton of actors may be on the way out. 

Soap Opera Digest reports:

DAYS Casting Shocker!
Hot on the heels of the news that DAYS got a pickup (at an extremely reduced fee from NBC), Digest has learned that negotiations between the show and Jay Kenneth Johnson (Philip) have broken down and the actor cleared out his dressing room yesterday. Money is said to be the main issue. "Everyone is being asked to take a paycut," reports an insider. Sources say the show is looking for a potential recast and actors are being brought into the studio today to read. A DAYS spokesperson says, "No comment."

That will decrease the younger male prettiness on that show by at least 33%!  Unacceptable!

And the rumors about who the additional cuts will be are not encouraging.  I swear, if they renewed this thing just to jam Marlena down our throats five days a week, I reserve the right to have all my Days posts be a series of moans and gasps.  (Assuming I could stay awake, and not have a smugness-induced stroke.)

poll by twiigs.com

P.S. Yes, a real Days post is coming soon.  The things I suffer through for you people.

Must Everybody Have Their ABC-Daytime Related Something?

I'm sure you've all heard by now that next month, General Hospital will be adding Vincent Pastore to its ranks.  Because, as is patently obvious to anyone who pays attention, what GH needed was an actual Sopranos cast member, to play another Port Charles mobster.  And the family that needed more attention on the canvas was that longstanding, nuanced, layered, entertaining, diverse clan: The Giambettis.  Max and Milo have a daddy, you guys.  And we need to learn ALL about him.  What if there is fascinating familial background to the two mostly random dudes who guard Sonny and Jason that we don't know?  That would be horribly shoddy storytelling!

ANYWAY.  Pastore is the latest on a growing list of celebrities who are inexplicably claiming that GH and All My Children are awesome, must-see television, in this "Everybody Has Their Something" campaign.  (I'm leaving OLTL out of this, because, you know....you OLTL fans kind of scare me.  Plus A Martinez just started a gig there, so the show must truly be, or is about to become, totally awesome.) 

I'm sorry, but the power of this campaign is lost on me.  I mean, Scary Spice Mel B was awesome on -- and totally should have won -- Dancing With the Stars (Maks!!!!), but hearing her say she adores All My Children doesn't make me want to watch AMC, it makes me want to sit down and have a long talk with Mel B about what makes something bad (along those same lines we will also chat about much of her wardrobe, and that thing that she did that rhymes with "joob bob").  It also makes me want to double-check that Mallory's apartment is soundproofed so her screams of frustration don't disturb her neighbors.  (As a big Spice Girls fan, I'm sure Mel's endorsement of AMC is extremely traumatic for Mal.  She won't talk about it, but there are certain things friends just know in their souls.)

ANYWAY (part two).  In one of Pastore's ads, he says that Sonny is his favorite character on GH.  This is totally shocking information!  I totally thought he was going to say Alexis or Tracy.

If you can't bring yourself to watch Vinnie extol the virtues of the mobster who ate Port Charles, perhaps you'd prefer this promo shot, from one of those effing annoying emails from SOAPNet which contain approximately 12% soap-related content:

Oh, Vinnie.  I've got my General Hospital, too.  Mine aired during the Clinton administration, though. 

Catch Our Broadcast Debut Tonight! ...Or Whenever

Tonight's the night!  We are all set to make our broadcast debut at 10 PM tonight on In The Zone Radio.

We're incredibly excited to join the gracious hosts for what will surely be a fun evening of soap dishing.  We're going to try really hard not to pepper too many sentences with "dude"s (Becca) and "like"s (Mallory).

We hope that you can tune in tonight!  If you want to call in, please do!  (Remember, it's your job not to make us seem like reader-less losers!)  The number is (347) 996-5978.  Or you can IM via AIM  at InTheZoneRadio, or email questions to inthezone@sonuni.com.

If you can't listen tonight, fear not:  The interview will be available as a podcast, so you won't need to miss one hypercritical moment.

Updated 5/7: Well, we debuted.  The host and at least a couple of listeners thought we were unfunny in person as opposed to in writing, and said so, which wasn't the highlight of our lives but it mostly got better from there.  And seriously, it's not like we haven't put a lot of criticism out into the atmosphere; it was bound to boomerang on us.  Doing the show was really a fun experience and we truly appreciate the opportunity.  Thanks very much to In the Zone Radio for having us on!

If you want to check out the podcast, it's available here in the upper right corner.  (Mallory starts at the 8:42 mark, Becca joins at 13:15, and we get called unfunny at around 52:30 and several times thereafter.  There's about a 75-minute live show and then we stayed on after that for an off-air chat.)  Since clearly we are in the process of expanding our multi-media empire, next on the list is an all-shirtless touring production of Xanadu starring James Scott, Jason Thompson, Peter Bergman, and Greg Vaughn.   We'll keep you posted.