Serial Drama

Non-Mysterious Mysteries and the Joys of 1983

As always for those of us committed to our life sentence in Llanview, there are ups and there are downs.  Maybe it's that there are only downs, and I deliriously impose "ups" onto things that are actually "downs" because... well, all I see here are these shadows and the cave is no longer just an allegory.  It's possible. 

But any day we can get 80s hair and 80s shoulder pads is a good day in my book.

 

You see, there are joys to be had!  I had mixed feelings about Kim Zimmer joining the cast, but I confess I now (foolishly) have high hopes for this story.  It means we see the vets!  It means we get flashbacks to 1983 (and this from the show that routinely brings us flashbacks from the day prior or even earlier in the very same episode)!

And of course, it means we get the Return of the Queen (Victoria, that is).

Kickin' it old school.  'Cause really, the 1983 and the 2010 expression is virtually identical in its awesome imperiousness.

This really does have the potential to be fun.  Which is why I'm sure they'll soon find a way to incorporate Dani or the Fords into this storyline.  Because why let us have fun?

The rest of the show so far this week has given us scene after scene of a hysterical Tea (and not the fabulous version of hysterical Tea), scene after scene of an overly sympathetic Blair.  Something about Ross.  And Dani.  And blah blah blah.  Oh and a handful of characters whose lives did not heretofore revolve around Dani... well, their lives now revolve around Dani.  Ford made good points, which was disturbing to say the least (that was nice of Dani and Nate to turn multiple people into criminals on their behalf).  And in general, everyone acted as if Dani being in Tahiti for a year and a half until she turns eighteen and can be wherever the hell she wants since her biological father has more money than God is THE END OF THE WORLD.  As if they can't talk to her every day on MyFace.  Tahiti is not a Moroccan prison the last time I checked.  I understand that to a teenager, a year and a half feels like forever, but the adults around her really need to provide some perspective.  And her big sister needs to learn to give more helpful advice.

Marching On (to the Inevitable)

Okay, so now Greg is in on all of Evil Eli's Dastardly Deeds?  And the Deeds involve Tea?  Or does Eli just have something on Greg?  Does Greg know who Eli is?  I don't get it and I don't want to get it.  And I have a headache.

However, I maintain that Tea and Greg still have some serious chemistry.  Meanwhile, I could've done without the whole Tea-watches-the-same-meteor-shower-as-Todd-and-Dani business.  Laying it on a little thick there, One Life!  All we needed was a little Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram duet swelling underneath the images.  ("And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome... lullaby...")

Also, it's become unbearably obvious that she's not actually going to die.  I am spoiler-free, but please.  So they can cool it with the sap since it'll turn out completely unearned.

Shaun appearance!  I do so adore him.  But somehow even though he's been in back-to-back episodes in a major way and having a big ethical dilemma, I doubt we'll get to see much more of him.

I just love that teddy bear.  He'll be heartbroken when he learns his brother is in cahoots with the Most Evil Living Human.

Oh yeah, speaking of He Who Evils The Hardest, more and more people are finding out, John has had his suspicions confirmed by Hannah and is taking action, and even Blair is starting to have a doubt or two.  This perhaps means this story will be wrapping up soon?  I think September has a little mini-sweeps, but really the next one that seriously counts is November, so I imagine they'll find more ways to make this snowball (I'm guessing a fugitive complication?) for a while longer.  Um, yay.  Because really?  Why wouldn't they want to ruin this?

The Happy Return...Or Is It?

I say the following with equal parts EXCITEMENT and DREAD and WONDER: Vanessa Marcil is returning to General Hospital in August.

EXCITEMENT because, as I have mentioned before, my love for Brenda Barrett is unparalleled. I'm talking hand-flailing love and adoration. She is my favorite General Hospital character of all time, and is responsible for some of my very favorite GH memories, from my favorite GH era. If you thought my near-hysterical fangirlishness for Jonathan Jackson's Lucky was bad, well, all I am going to say is that it's a good thing the internet wasn't around when I was in middle school, because...it would have been embarrassing to have the fawning my friends and I did in online archives for all eternity. So, really, there was never any chance that I'd be less than super giddy about this development. Brenda! Back in Port Charles! With a secret! A secret that I am guessing will be a secret child, which could be either...oh, who am I kidding, why I am even floating the idea that it could be good out into the world? Is it so that I will be able to look back at this post and laugh derisively at myself for being so foolish?

DREAD because this is still General Hospital as written by Bob Guza and produced by Jill Farren Phelps, which means that it makes me cry on a daily basis, and the tears are filled with rage and shame. Do I even want to see what kind of horrible stories they will saddle Brenda with this time around? Is there any way they will draw upon her history with Jax and Sonny without setting that history on fire in a horrifying, memory-ruining way? The answer to both of those questions is "no" and what's even worse is that I know that whatever demented idea I come up with for how they will try to ruin her will pale in comparison to the SHEER HORROR they will unleash, because even my most horrible and pessimistic of ideas cannot compete with the lunacy that happens behind-the-scenes at this show.

WONDER because...what will ABC Soaps In Depth put on its cover every week now?! For years, they have devoted a corner of their cover to wondering whether Vanessa Marcil will return or trying to mislead readers into thinking that she will return. I hope they can manage to keep going on!

David Hasselhoff Fan(s?): Rejoice!

David Hasselhoff and Snapper Foster are headed back to Genoa City!

EW.com has learned that David Hasselhoff will briefly reprise his role as Dr. William "Snapper" Foster, Jr. on "The Young and the Restless." He'll return to the show's Los Angeles set in May for an arc that will start airing in mid-June.

I had three reactions at once, which kind of gave me a headache:

1.

2. I guess this is one way to compete with General Hospital's stunt-casting...

3. I cannot even wait for Joel McHale's take. He will have material for The Soup all summer!

Why Can't I Have Nice Things?

When I am accused of being an angry, bitter, rage-filled person who has a wholly irrational hatred for everything she encounters in life, which happens quite often, I always try to point out that there are some things that I DO like, and that I am vocal about my like for those things, and that those things make me happy, and my utter joy at SORASing Michael and casting Drew Garrett in the role is one of those things. I have mentioned it, like, a lot, both here and in our Soap Opera Digest column.

(Um, listing it that way makes me feel creepy and ashamed of myself...)

Well, at any rate, General Hospital just went ahead and made my list of happy-making soap things shrink down to three, because Drew Garrett is out, and someone named Chad Duell is in, and I am left staring quizzically at my computer screen. It's all so confusing, especially because it seems to have happened so damn fast! Perhaps because of the aforementioned bitterness and all, my mind immediately jumps to a gossipy place that I know nothing about, so I won't even hazard a guess about what happened and will simply say: What the WHAT?

How to Sink a Precarious Ship in a Few Easy Steps (or, Rip Out My Heart and Step On It, Why Don't You?)

I imagine this is hardly news to anyone who keeps up with soap press, but we One Life to Live fans have been dealt the following blows in the last couple of weeks:

 

1. Daphnee Duplaix (Rachel) was let go.

2. Amanda Setton (Kim) put in her notice.

3. Scott Clifton (Schuyler) was let go.

4. Scott Evans (Fish) and Brett Claywell (Kyle) are being let go, or at least their storyline is being written off the show (some reports indicate that Evans will be kept around for an occasional appearance in police-related storylines).

My reaction to News #1 was confusion and sadness -- this is a legacy character with ties to tons of the canvas and the daughter of Nora Buchanan!  I don't get it.  If they felt like her love story had flopped, why get rid of her and not him?

My reaction to News #2 was a little messier because there was no confusion, just despair.  Kim has been one of the most refreshing and hilarious characters we've had since we met Roxy, and I found the chemistry between Kim and Clint to be surprisingly awesome.  This was the decision of the actress, though, and I don't think this is an appropriate case for a recast.  But I will miss that stripper bitch, and I hate having to watch Clint get let down yet again to accommodate her departure!

I Find Trigonometry Less Confusing Than This Interview

Oh, so much to talk about with this little gem of an interview, dear readers.  So much.  So much that is...utterly confusing and nonsensical.  But this is General Hospital and this is a day that ends with "-day," so I guess that is about right.

[GH] is bringing back Skye Quartermaine, the lusciously wicked divorcee played by Robin Christopher

We adore Robin Christopher, but the writing for Skye was consistently terrible (as was the wardrobing), she suffered from Invisible Quartermaine disease more often than not, and main tie to the canvas -- her father -- is dead, so the fact that this is the character the GH writers have decided to bring back is a bit puzzling.

“It’s hard to write GH without the Qs,” says the soap’s multi Emmy-winning head writer Bob Guza.

(I greyed-out the portion that makes me most uncomfortable.)

It's hard to write GH without the Qs?  So his job has been exceedingly difficult for the last decade or so?  Or perhaps he should have been more specific:  "It's hard to write GH without killing off at least one Q per sweeps period, so I'm going to start bringing back ones I previously treated as particularly useless so that when I ruin and/or slaughter them, I get less flack from the fans, or at the very least don't have to figure out a way to bring them back as ghosts or talking tumors six months later."

“Every time we drift away from the family, even though we’ve diluted them a bit over the years, it just feels wrong. So we’re looking to build them up again.”

Are we having another penultimate cosmic guffaw moment?  "Diluted them a bit"?!  Is that what you call the twisted game of "Kill, Write Off, Marginalize" that you've been kicking ass at since Clinton was president, you egomaniacal, myopic dolt?  And if it feels wrong, you know what you can do?  STOP DOING IT.  This is where having a sense of shame comes in handy.  Shame needs to make a comeback.

And I will believe Bob Guza is dedicated to building up the Quartermaines just as soon as I become convinced that Lindsay Lohan is really committed to her sobriety and skincare.

I Wonder How They'll Screw This One Up

Cady McClain is on her way back to All My Children for a brief stint.

AMC's parade of returning faves continues! ABC confirms to Digest that Cady McClain, fresh off her most recent stint as ATWT's Rosanna, will be reprising the role of Dixie, last seen as a ghost in 2008, for a short-term story arc that will reteam her with leading man Michael E. Knight (Tad). The network's lips were sealed on all other details (the timing of her return, the length of her contract, and whether Dixie will appear in angel or human form). Stay tuned for more info!

When I first read that, I forgot all about how ABC Daytime has burned me before with bringing characters back...like the time they brought this exact character back, and instead of bringing her back from the poisoned pancake dead, they made her a ghost. And I was a little excited! And then just a few words later, I saw the phrase "short-term story arc" and I knew it wasn't worth even the most mild excitement, because--well, this show has demonstrated a profound inability to do long-term stories, so why would I have faith in them to execute a good short-term story between a dead/maybe not dead character and the other half of a popular couple?

I am genuinely interested in seeing how they bring her back. I feel like these are the options:

• ghost. Still dead, still the victim of poisoned pancakes, still in possession of a distracting push-up bra.
• alive. This is the least appealing of the options, because if Dixie is truly alive, I'd need an actual story, rather than a short arc, because how lame would that be. "So, I wasn't dead, really, but I'm also not going to stick around Pine Valley, either. Laters!" In other words, this is probably what is going to happen.
• alive. And then, after a happy reunion with Tad and JR and Kathy, gets hit by a car or poisoned by another breakfast food and winds up comatose, because this show likes nothing more than giving its viewers the finger.
• fake flashbacks.
• doppelganger. Most likely a doppelganger with a bad attitude, because that worked out so well this year on General Hospital.
• robot. Who would have a Dixie robot, and for what purpose? I don't know. But it's possible.

The Role of Lucky Spencer Is Now Being Played by Jonathan Jackson

Mallory really wanted to post about Jonathan Jackson's return as Lucky Spencer after today's airing of his first episode back, but she and her therapist were wary of her venturing back into multiple-personality land (it's never as fun as they make it seem on soaps!).  So you are stuck with me, and -- Debbie Downer alert! -- while I enjoyed Jackson's Lucky very much back in the day, I was far too old to have a crush on him and therefore my assessment of his return is likely to have far less "eeeee!"ing than Mal's.  I'm sure she will balance the scales at a future date.  I have it on good authority that screencaps with animated exploding hearts are well underway.

So, first day back.  "Remember me?" was a terribly cheesy opener, but Jackson had the decency to look chagrined by that, so kudos. 

And then we cut to the credits, which readers have emailed to point out still include Greg Vaughan.  How grossly cheap is this show?!  It is bad enough that the credits have at least four dead characters in them, but really, you somewhat brutally fire a longtime cast member and then leave him in the credits even after his replacement has started?  This show is to class what Lindsay Lohan is to sobriety.  (Related note:  You look fab for 56, Lindz!  Don't let anyone tell you differently!)

Side note:  The Beard must be eliminated.  A strategic razor could get in and out without causing any collateral damage.  I say we let it try.  For the good of the country.  Or at least for the couple hundred of us still watching General Hospital.

Whining Semi-Professionally For Three Whole Years

Somehow we both managed to forget our three-year blogiversary last week.  Obviously, as would be the case in a traditional relationship, this has caused us to reexamine our connection and enter counseling.  While we work through our myriad issues and contemplate whether this whole co-blogging thing is really right for us, or whether instead our twins and sextuplets would be better off with us on separate blogs, we invite you to peruse the most popular entries of our third year, based on your comments and visits.  We ask for privacy during this difficult time.  (Except for the regular interviews we will provide about our progress, the personal diaries we will post as blog entries, and the reality show that a crappy cable network -- or the CW! -- will be picking up momentarily.  Other than that, like we said, PRIVATE.)

We wrapped up the second season of Night Shift on a high note and vowed to write Sri Rao love notes until the end of time or until he becomes head writer on another soap (and given the decision-making skills of most soap showrunners, the former may come before the latter).

We lamented the sad state of General Hospital repeatedly, loudly, bitchily, and hopefully -- on occasion -- somewhat amusingly.  We were reduced to examining it by the numbers, as an instructive lesson in how to be terrible, and were sometimes just left with our lists.  The only solidly good constant throughout our third year, upon closer review, appears to be baby Emma.  Love you, boo.  Try to stay out of snow-covered trees this next year, 'kay?

We reviewed 2008 and struggled for entries on the “best” side of the list.

We relived some of General Hospital’s golden years, which then made us even more bitter about the shitpile the show has become.

We weathered the firing and somehow even shoddier subsequent treatment of big stars.  (Ones that we didn’t really like, but still…)

We said goodbye to a daytime legend.

We suffered through The Thong Incident.

We shuddered through inappropriate groping.

We peeked into Robin’s Diary.

We marveled over All My Children’s awfulness, and Ryan Lavery’s inability to fail at failing.

We rolled our eyes through product placement nonsense.

We begged a heroine to choose herself.

We had to adjust to an uneasy feeling: Hating Luke Spencer and even – gasp! – disliking his portrayer.

We wondered how Charles Pratt remains employed, but then we remembered that Bob Guza does too, at the same network, and it made more sense.  Well…”sense.”

We wondered who they’re trying to kid with the whole “she’s Liza!” thing.

We watched some new-to-us shows (and Mallory jinxed Guiding Light and got it canceled).

We watched Y&R actually get good and therefore difficult to mock, but then rejoiced with the whole Colleen’s murder thing that allowed the bitching to perk up.

We watch Gossip Girl so were luckily able to track down the Daytime Emmys on the tiny lil’ CW and say a few things about the whole shebang.  (“Shebang” is actually far too generous, but soaps are supposed to be overdramatic so we’re trying to stick with a theme.)

We welcomed an awesome guest blogger.

We had conflicting thoughts about the re-re-recasting of Lucky Spencer.

And finally, we have no link for this one, but we continued to be completed flattered, baffled, and delighted by the fact that you read and comment on our blog, and looked forward to three more years and beyond!