Serial Drama

Watch Out Victor: Vivian Is Back In Town

According to our lovely part-time employers:

Another Alamain Back To DAYS!
It's official: Soap Opera Digest can confirm that Louise Sorel (Vivian) is returning to Salem in the fall. Look for her to hit town in late September. As previously reported, Crystal Chappell (Carly) is also coming back to the show.

Mallory could not report this news because she said "eeeeeeee!!!!!" so loud she popped a blood vessel.

As for me, I think Louise Sorel is awesome, but Vivian is from an era of Days that isn't my favorite. Though at this point they could bring back every character who ever irritated me, all at once, if it meant a little forward story movement and less screentime for all these snooze-worthy couples.  We shall see.

Just The 10 Of Us. And By "Us", I Mean "Viewers"

Jamie Luner, alumnus of such quality television programming as Melrose Place, the Lifetime movie Stranger in My Bed and Just the Ten Of Us--and I am not at all being sarcastic when I say that. I hold a deep and abiding love for all of those programs! Just the Ten of Us is delightfully cheesy and Melrose is brilliant. Perhaps even brilliant squared--is coming to Pine Valley as a recast Liza Colby.

She’s 200 kinds o’ crazy, and she’s heading back to Pine Valley! Former Melrose Placesensation Jamie Luner has been cast as the new Liza Colby on All My Childrenand will hit the air by late April/early May. The notorious man-snatching trouble-maker — played for many years by suds icon Marcy Walker — has “reinvented herself as an attorney and will come back to town to reclaim her daughter Colby [Brianne Moncreif],” exec producer Julie Hanan Carruthers tells TV Guide Magazine. “We also find out Liza is secretly working for someone in Pine Valley.” Look for more scoop from Carruthers and an exclusive interview with Luner in an upcoming issue of TV Guide Magazine.

I would be looking forward to this if she were anything remotely like Liza (can you buy Jamie Luner as Brianne Moncrief's mother? Or as Michael E. Knight, Darnell Williams and Debbi Morgan's classmate?). 

I would also probably be more excited if we had a writing staff remotely capable of handling Liza and Liza's history. Or capable of continuity. Or originality. Or writing dialogue that sounds like sentences humans would actually use....

I'm Sorry To Bother You, But Are You Aware That Your Show Sucks?

Well, by now you've probably heard the big Days of Our Lives news:

Soap Opera Digest has learned exclusively that the super popular Mary Beth Evans (Kayla) and Stephen Nichols (Steve), who returned to the show in 2006, have been let go. "It's like they're getting rid of everyone over 40," sighs a setside source.

Yes, it is like that.  But that makes total sense, because younger viewers are tuning in in DROVES (what with there being no other forms of media to attract them) and women in their 30s through 60s hate soap operas and never watch them!

I refuse to be all "Sob!  When Steve and Kayla are gone I will be too!  There is almost no reason not to boycott television, end my life, and/or start watching Guiding Light!" Because 1) I mocked people who did that about John and Marlena, 2) I get paid to watch this show, so my threats would be empty, and 3) come on, there is no reason on earth to watch Guiding Light.  But . . . without getting all uber-dramatic about it, this could very possibly signal the end of Salem, you guys.  Because what's left is either terrible or is tainted by what's terrible, and I see no signs of anything improving.

GH Wishes You an Allegedly Happy New Year

This promo is actually pretty good.  (I mean, if you don't really watch the show and know what's actually going on with most of those couples.)  It also shows that someone, somewhere at ABC Daytime knows what soaps are all about, because notice there's not a mob plot or shooting montage to be found in the entire minute.

Now, about that last bit at the end.  This is the first chance we've had to discuss this development.  I...just...why?  Could someone please explain to Bob Guza -- remembering to speak slowly and use small words -- that there is a very simple way to continue writing for characters you like.  And that is, to sum up:  STOP BRUTALLY MURDERING THEM.  Emily could have gotten a kicky haircut and splurged on a truckload of eye makeup upon her return in the new year from some volunteer effort in Africa (with Georgie).  We would have been spared her strangling (or maybe the whole Black and White Ball disaster altogether) and those disturbing few Weekend at Bernie's-esque days with people hanging out with her corpse, not to mention her return as a really happy tumor.  But noooo.  Now we have Natalia back as some other character that, due to her possession of breasts and ovaries, this writing team will inevitably either ignore or subject to disturbing levels of mistreatment and violence.  Or can we just skip ahead to the part where NewNotEmily gets murdered?  Because that would save me a lot of time and stress.  And vodka.

Gasp! Moan! Oh My!

Most of you have probably seen this by now, but just in case, there is big [un-]casting news on Days of Our Lives, according to Soap Opera Digest:

Huge DAYS Casting News!
It's hard to believe, but it's true: Superstars Deidre Hall (Marlena) and Drake Hogestyn (John) are the first two casualties of DAYS's massive budget cuts. In an exclusive interview with Soap Opera Digest, Executive Producer Ken Corday says, "The couple will be happily reunited after a long period of angst and separation and will be off-screen after January for an unknown period of time. It was a very tough decision to make." To see what else the exec has to say about the popular duo — and the show’s recent pickup by NBC — be sure to pick up the next issue of Digest.

I must admit, this doesn't upset me.  I liked them in the 80s and 90s (yes, even together -- I have not always been a hater), but Marlena in particular hasn't been an interesting character in about a decade.  I've liked the latest incarnation of John Black a lot, but if these two bring in huge salaries and had to be cut to give the show one last shot at continuing, it's fine by me.

In case you're a little weepy over this news, let's remember how annoying Marlena and John have been together over the last couple of years, shall we?  And while we're at it, I guess we can humor your nostalgia by remembering some of the better times.  (Which pretty much involve John dying or behaving like a totally different person.)

• Oh god, remember the coma months of early 2007?  "Gag me with a spoon" still seems to sum them up well.
• The brain-scarring "oooh, mama!" incident -- in words, then video -- brought on multiple guffudders.  Gasp!  Moan!  Oh my!
• Aloha!
  
• Remember when John went splat on a car, and I still couldn't be nice about Marlena?  Oh my!  And then I stupidly thought they actually did kill John off?  Gasp!  But they totally didn't?  Moan!
• I was bummed about the resurrection and the absurd daily focus on Marlena (Moan!), but then, well, The Door Incident happened, and I was nothing but gleeful.  Gasp!  Oh my!
• I even found one of their sex scenes entertaining ("Brace yourself!"), and ultimately it was that kind of romance that made me fall madly in love with the new John Black.  Gasp!  Oh my!

Okay, maybe I'll miss them a little bit.  Their departure will significantly decrease Days' mocking opportunities.  Gasp!  Moan!  Oh my!

Good ("Good"?) News and Bad News

So Days of Our Lives finally got renewed, though only for 18 months.  If the writing doesn't significantly improve, that will be the longest year and a half of my life.  Lord, beer me strength.

The truly bad news is that in order to meet the budget cuts that were apparently part of the renewal package, a ton of actors may be on the way out. 

Soap Opera Digest reports:

DAYS Casting Shocker!
Hot on the heels of the news that DAYS got a pickup (at an extremely reduced fee from NBC), Digest has learned that negotiations between the show and Jay Kenneth Johnson (Philip) have broken down and the actor cleared out his dressing room yesterday. Money is said to be the main issue. "Everyone is being asked to take a paycut," reports an insider. Sources say the show is looking for a potential recast and actors are being brought into the studio today to read. A DAYS spokesperson says, "No comment."

That will decrease the younger male prettiness on that show by at least 33%!  Unacceptable!

And the rumors about who the additional cuts will be are not encouraging.  I swear, if they renewed this thing just to jam Marlena down our throats five days a week, I reserve the right to have all my Days posts be a series of moans and gasps.  (Assuming I could stay awake, and not have a smugness-induced stroke.)

poll by twiigs.com

P.S. Yes, a real Days post is coming soon.  The things I suffer through for you people.

Must Everybody Have Their ABC-Daytime Related Something?

I'm sure you've all heard by now that next month, General Hospital will be adding Vincent Pastore to its ranks.  Because, as is patently obvious to anyone who pays attention, what GH needed was an actual Sopranos cast member, to play another Port Charles mobster.  And the family that needed more attention on the canvas was that longstanding, nuanced, layered, entertaining, diverse clan: The Giambettis.  Max and Milo have a daddy, you guys.  And we need to learn ALL about him.  What if there is fascinating familial background to the two mostly random dudes who guard Sonny and Jason that we don't know?  That would be horribly shoddy storytelling!

ANYWAY.  Pastore is the latest on a growing list of celebrities who are inexplicably claiming that GH and All My Children are awesome, must-see television, in this "Everybody Has Their Something" campaign.  (I'm leaving OLTL out of this, because, you know....you OLTL fans kind of scare me.  Plus A Martinez just started a gig there, so the show must truly be, or is about to become, totally awesome.) 

I'm sorry, but the power of this campaign is lost on me.  I mean, Scary Spice Mel B was awesome on -- and totally should have won -- Dancing With the Stars (Maks!!!!), but hearing her say she adores All My Children doesn't make me want to watch AMC, it makes me want to sit down and have a long talk with Mel B about what makes something bad (along those same lines we will also chat about much of her wardrobe, and that thing that she did that rhymes with "joob bob").  It also makes me want to double-check that Mallory's apartment is soundproofed so her screams of frustration don't disturb her neighbors.  (As a big Spice Girls fan, I'm sure Mel's endorsement of AMC is extremely traumatic for Mal.  She won't talk about it, but there are certain things friends just know in their souls.)

ANYWAY (part two).  In one of Pastore's ads, he says that Sonny is his favorite character on GH.  This is totally shocking information!  I totally thought he was going to say Alexis or Tracy.

If you can't bring yourself to watch Vinnie extol the virtues of the mobster who ate Port Charles, perhaps you'd prefer this promo shot, from one of those effing annoying emails from SOAPNet which contain approximately 12% soap-related content:

Oh, Vinnie.  I've got my General Hospital, too.  Mine aired during the Clinton administration, though. 

Catch Our Broadcast Debut Tonight! ...Or Whenever

Tonight's the night!  We are all set to make our broadcast debut at 10 PM tonight on In The Zone Radio.

We're incredibly excited to join the gracious hosts for what will surely be a fun evening of soap dishing.  We're going to try really hard not to pepper too many sentences with "dude"s (Becca) and "like"s (Mallory).

We hope that you can tune in tonight!  If you want to call in, please do!  (Remember, it's your job not to make us seem like reader-less losers!)  The number is (347) 996-5978.  Or you can IM via AIM  at InTheZoneRadio, or email questions to inthezone@sonuni.com.

If you can't listen tonight, fear not:  The interview will be available as a podcast, so you won't need to miss one hypercritical moment.

Updated 5/7: Well, we debuted.  The host and at least a couple of listeners thought we were unfunny in person as opposed to in writing, and said so, which wasn't the highlight of our lives but it mostly got better from there.  And seriously, it's not like we haven't put a lot of criticism out into the atmosphere; it was bound to boomerang on us.  Doing the show was really a fun experience and we truly appreciate the opportunity.  Thanks very much to In the Zone Radio for having us on!

If you want to check out the podcast, it's available here in the upper right corner.  (Mallory starts at the 8:42 mark, Becca joins at 13:15, and we get called unfunny at around 52:30 and several times thereafter.  There's about a 75-minute live show and then we stayed on after that for an off-air chat.)  Since clearly we are in the process of expanding our multi-media empire, next on the list is an all-shirtless touring production of Xanadu starring James Scott, Jason Thompson, Peter Bergman, and Greg Vaughn.   We'll keep you posted.

General Hospital Couple of Weeks in Review

Let's start with the biggest General Hospital news of late, the Daytime Emmy nominations.  Mallory covered the high and low points brilliantly already, so I won't take up much of your time with this.  (Mostly because knowing our readership, if I spend much space discussing GH being held up as one of the four best soaps on the air, there will be widespread cardiac episodes and rage blackouts.  And we need to save those up for when they announce a second season of Night Shift.)

I can actually deal, at least conceptually, with GH being nominated for best show and writing, if they submitted episodes from the Metro Court hostage situation.  Granted, I thought 75% of that storyline sucked, but it was better than almost everything else GH put out the rest of the year, and from what other people say it's better than what lots of other shows aired as well.  So I can get to an okay place with the nominations.  As long as they lose, of course.  If they win, I'll go postal.  But let's cross that horrifying bridge when we get there (and when we have lots of alcohol).

What really bugs me about the GH nominations is that they give the impression that the cast is the problem.  "The show has exceptional writing, directing, and showrunning -- shame about that shitty cast that can't muster more than Tony Geary's [Deserved But Let's Face It Guaranteed Until He Retires Even If He's Onscreen for Ten Minutes a Year] nomination, huh?"  Which is unfortunate because I think GH has a great cast, one that frequently makes terribly written material bearable, even entertaining.  So to sum up, Daytime Emmy voters are even more inept than the people who run ABC Daytime.  Who knew such a thing was possible?

But on with the recappery . . .

Respeito!

Back before Tyra Banks had completely turned into a lunatic who could cause harm to herself and others, when the CW was still UPN and the WB and Jay Manuel was just super tan as compared to radioactive orange, America's Next Top Model ruled. And not just ruled for a competitive reality show broadcast on the redheaded stepchild of networks, but it ruled in general, and I wasn't ashamed to tell people I watched it. Uh, now is a different story, but back in the day of Cycles 2 and 3, the show was awesome. Remember? With Camille's signature walk that was going to make her famous? And Eva's "First of all, I didn't even know you were a bitch" and Kelle's denial over her snout? Good times.

A large part of Cycle 3's brilliantness is due to the epic bitchiness of Yaya, who went to Brown and thought she was better than every person to ever exist. She was self righteous and bratty, and spit out umeboshi and wore a shirt asserting the importance of Respeito after Ann mutilated Cassie's brownies and had no sense of humor ("Some people think it's funny to kill people. That doesn't make it funny") and I kind of loved her. She was endlessly entertaining and now Pine Valley gets to enjoy her!

Yaya Dacosta from America's Next Top Model is coming to All My Children! The model-actress hyphenate has been cast as Cassandra Foster, the daughter of Dr. Angie Hubbard (Debbi Morgan). She first airs on April 25. Many will remember Yaya as the runner-up of Season 3 of America's Next Top Model. Despite not taking the prize, she's enjoyed a successful modeling career, including campaigns for Sephora, Garnier Fructis and Olay. Acting gigs followed, such as a starring role in the film Take the Lead with Antonio Banderas.

Yaya's character, Cassandra, was adopted by Angie and her ex-husband, Jacob. Cassandra made her debut on ABC's The City. In that soap's final episode, Angie and Jacob (played by Darnell Williams, who currently plays Jesse on AMC) found an abandoned Cassandra and brought her home with them.

Cassandra's all grown up now, and she arrives in Pine Valley to meet her mother's first (and current) husband, Jesse. Don't expect the family reunion to be all roses, though: Cassandra will be pulled into the sinister plan Rob (David Rasche) has for Jesse.

I am just going to put all my cards on the table and admit to being excited about this. I blame my all encompassing love of Jesse and Angie for my excitement and I know that, since this is the dream ruining AMC, it will wind up horrible, but for now, I will "Eeeee!!"