Serial Drama

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I have no familiarity with estate law, and everything I know about legitimacy comes from soap operas and Tudor History, so I may be wrong, but...

John: As if you care. Look...I'm not of the mind to argue with you about this right now. Besides, there's nothing to discuss when it comes to the empire as you put it. I win, you lose.
Stefano: I beg to differ.
John: Any judge in the land would agree that part, if not all, of everything DiMera belongs to me.

John: I'm your half brother. And the seed money to start our empire came from DiMera shipping, our father, Santo's, company.
Stefano: Hmm. So what? DiMera shipping -- it's nothing compared to what I am worth today, all right? It was my business talent that made Santo's company thrive. I was the one who showed them the way to make it grow, huh? To make investments that would pay off even more so? And I made it work.
John: Well, the way I see it, half of everything my father owned should have come to me, but it didn't...so, legally, I'm at least half owner of everything you managed to build. And seeing as how you were already more than halfway home to losing everything, that seems to put me in...pole position.

I don't think that's how it works.

1. Santo didn't know John existed, so unless he had a clause in his will leaving money to any possible spawn he may have roaming around without his knowledge, John's out of luck. Too bad, so sad.

2. Even if John had a point, which he does not (that statement works on several levels...), wouldn't he only be entitled to half of his father's money? And not the money that Stefano made? Why would he get any part of the DiMera empire? And can I say how hilarious it is that they just casually refer to it in conversation as the empire? But really, is that how it works? Do you just get to swoop in and take your sibling's money? I am seriously rethinking my career path here. I don't want to become a famous blogger/handbag designer only to have one of my brothers try to lay claim to it!

3. Didn't this exact story happen when John was all of a sudden an Alamain?

4. How many backstories is this character going to have before it becomes so mind-bogglingly stupid that the collective viewing audience loses their mind in unison one afternoon? Do you think Drake Hogestyn gets confused by all the backstories? Because I would. I would need to carry a crib sheet around with me. "Pawn Roman John Forrest Priest Ryan Brady"

5. I'm pretty sure I just put more thought into this storyline than Dena Higley has.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

...

I...

...

...just.

...ew.

I was trying to think of a way to best describe my continued horror at the Victor/Sabrina coupling because, "ew....ewewewewEW", while apt, isn't the most eloquent way to express my revulsion and I don't exactly know how to convey dry heaving through typing.

The best I can do is admit, without hesitation, that I'd rather watch an endless loop of John and Marlena makeout scenes whilst eating Dale Talde's butterscotch scallops than have to sit through the awkward grossness of Victor and Sabrina being lovey dovey. That may seem like a disproportionate response, but it's the truth!

It's bad enough that they paired a senior citizen with a possible transvestite young enough to be his daughter, but...who on earth is writing this dialogue? It reminds me of what a sixth grader would write in her Harry Potter fanfic, except it's more cloying and unlike anything human beings would ever say.

Victor: Yeah? You know that every time I drive home, I think of your beautiful face. I think of how lucky I am to have found you, and that you make me feel more alive than I have in a long time.

Sabrina: Your Marinara Sauce was the best sauce in the world.

Victor: Are you serious?

Sabrina: Mm-hmm.

Victor: Was there too much basil or oregano? Whatever the hell you call it.

Sabrina: There was too much of both, but no, I'm joking. I loved it. It was perfect.  [What the hell? Victor is so omnipotent that not even his FICTIONAL MARINARA SAUCE is anything but perfect?--Ed.]

Victor: I'm sure there was too much of both. You know what I love the most?

Sabrina: What?

Victor: That you and I can have fun together.

Sabrina: Yes.

Victor: It's so easy to have fun with you.

Victor: Mm. So glad you're back.

Sabrina: Oh, me, too. Mm. [Note: they have this exact conversation whenever they enter the same room or realize that they haven't said hello and made out in six minutes--Ed.]

Victor: But you tried to mend fences... and that's a wonderful thing.

Sabrina: Mm.

Victor: You know who taught me that? You. [Bullfuckingshit. He's like 90 and a professional dick. I'm sure he's learned about fence mending, or at least pretending to mend fences, at some point in time before this--Ed.]

And the constant kissing! What IS this? It's so over the top that, on an actual soap with good writing and sense of storytelling, it would mean that they are both overcompensating and trying to convince themselves that this relationship is totally worth hurting their friends and family. But Y&R hasn't seen good writing and a sense of storytelling for a few years now, so that's obviously not the case.

The only way this story would even be partially redeemed would be if it turned out that Sabrina was completely playing Victor but since I've seen this show before, I know that story will never happen, because nothing happens on Y&R unless it involves giving Victor a tongue bath. I'm pretty sure Eric Braeden would storm off set if it turned out that Victor liked Sabrina more than she cared for him, so a story about Victor full on getting snowed isn't going to happen.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

The other day, I emailed Becca and asked how wrong it would be for a hypothetical person to have a hypothetical crush on David Cook (she said that, post-haircut, it would be a 3 on the 1-10 scale of wrongness and, hello, this hypothetical crush would of course happen post-haircut because even hypothetical me is firmly committed to good hair).

And then I felt INCREDIBLY GUILTY for being ashamed of adoring David Cook because, yeah, the hair's kind of borderline and he was kind of lame on Idol Gives Back with the "give back" written on his palm but SERIOUSLY, you guys, I am open with the fact that I watch All My Children and here I am, feeling embarrassed to have a crush on David Cook. That's so cruel of me.

Because AMC is pretty wretched. Sure, there are some good moments that I fully intend to post about in depth: Kendall and Zach being deliciously soapy and heartbreaking; Michael E. Knight struggling valiantly to act opposite Aiden Turner, which I imagine is like talking to an inanimate object; Debbi Morgan looking twenty years younger than she actually is. But in between those few good moments is crap:

Ryan: So, what was the most romantic thing that I ever said to you?

Annie: We were standing on the terrace -- the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars.

Ryan: Wow. Sounds like love to me.

Annie: It did to me, too. It made me relax and believe.

Ryan: Believe?

Annie: That you might be ready for a different kind of woman, not a spitfire like Kendall and Greenlee. I'm kind of the opposite of that in a way.

"..."

(1) The last time it was interesting to watch women fight over Ryan and/or grapple with not feeling good enough for the awesomeness of Ryan, Clinton was president, Geri hadn't yet left The Spice Girls and Gretchen Mol was the next big thing.

(2) Who, in the history of the world, has ever started a conversation with the words "what was the most romantic thing I ever said to you"? That's like saying, "I know there is a long list of times when I was awesome, but if you had to pick the time that I was most awesome, what would it be?"

(3) The fact that somebody wrote down the sentiment "the sun had just come up and you said that I was even more beautiful in the morning sun than I was under the moon and the stars" and forced poor Melissa Claire Egan to speak it seems needlessly cruel. That's disgustingly cheesy, even for Ryan. Precious Moments cheesy. Clay Aiken soundtrack to an Ashley Judd romcom cheesy. Hearing a line like that made Annie relax? Laugh out loud and wonder if Ryan is using power ballads for inspiration, sure, but "relax and believe"? How does this woman share any sort of genetic material with Richie? He may be a psychopath, but at least he's not a doofus.

(4) At least Annie is self aware and knows she's not anything like Kendall and Greenlee. Although in my opinion, the fact that she isn't a spitfire isn't the problem. The fact that she is a charisma vacuum is.

(5) Cameron Mathison and Melissa Claire Egan cannot make this dialogue work, but it's not their fault. Peter Bergman and Nancy Lee Grahn couldn't make this dialogue work, although I'd pay cash money to see the two of them playing a couple on a show worthy of their talents. So, um, a show in my imagination, I guess.

I mean, seriously, if you can't be bothered to write good plots or engage in any sort of character development, can't you at least make sure that your day-to-day dialogue isn't shit?

[Yester]Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I "love" it when this show tries to be all Grey's Anatomy.  (You know, like we loved it when Night Shift did that?)

Ian: They had to ventilate him after the second seizure during transport.
Patrick:  We need to stabilize him.  I don't want to prep him for surgery until we know his body can handle the stress. 
Ian: Agreed.  Let's monitor him closely in case he starts to go south on us.

Yes, you should monitor him closely to prevent his death!  As opposed to all the other ventilated, unconscious, multiple-seizure-suffering patients that you just roll into a dark room and hope for the best?  (He and Leyla truly are perfect for each other.)

Also, "ventilate"?  Is that the right verb?  I thought it was "intubate"?  Wait, I forgot!:  I don't care. 

Oh yeah, and Ian is actually the evil criminal who's been working with Jerry, and Emily finally "died" for real.  Yadda yadda snore.  I am far more interested in those oven mitts of gauze poor Steve Burton has been saddled with.  He looks a bit like he tried to be the Pillsbury Dough Boy for Halloween but made the critical mistake of putting the gloves on first.

[Tuesday]'s Dumbest Dialogue

I had been pleasantly surprised by the interim writers and their willingness to ignore the things that Bob Guza holds dear (like incoherent storytelling, insipid dialogue and a paralyzing hatred of Lucky Spencer). There are days when the show feels almost Awesome Writerish, though I am sure that Awesome Writer is not the type to cross a picket line, but there are other days when it's apparent that there is a Guza In Training (GIT) in the crop of interim writers.

Because, seriously, what the hell was this scene?

Carly: We're going to keep going over it until I convince Jason to go after custody of his son.
Elizabeth: I told you -- Jason, Lucky, and I all came to an agreement.
Carly: That's because you talked them into doing what you wanted them to do.
Elizabeth: To keep Jake safe from Jason's enemies.
Carly: I'm sorry, but how is he safe with you, given that he almost died in a fire? How did that happen on your watch?
Elizabeth: Does it really matter, Carly?
Carly: Yeah, it does. See, I've done some checking. Turns out that your first bastard son obviously likes to play with matches, and given you got yourself stuck outside, while Jason's son was stuck upstairs in the crib while the house was catching on fire.

(1) Can soap operas really throw the term "bastard son" around? Aren't three quarters of the kids born on soaps born out of wedlock?

(2) Did the writers just learn what the word bastard means? Was it one of the December entries in their "Racist, Misogynistic and Plain Old Offensive Word-A-Day" calendar? First Robin uses the word (which I still find shocking and completely un-Robin, especially since she loved Michael with her whole heart back in the day. Luckily, she got out before he evolved into the Michael that we know and fear to day) and now Carly, which is INCREDIBLY PERPLEXING, as Carly

...is the daughter of an unwed hooker and one of her johns

...is the mother of a child born out of wedlock

...is fighting for the rights of a brain-damaged mobster who is the son of a married man and his mistress

(3) Did that acid-tongued ho really just step to Cam? I hope he sets her entire polyester and sequined wardrobe on fire.

My Hatred Is Reaching a Fever Pitch

It's nice to know, no matter who's writing The Young and the Restless, whether it be Lynn Marie Latham and Co. or the scab writers, that Brad Carlton will always irritate me to such a degree that I find myself having temper tantrums at my television set. It's oddly comforting to know that, no matter how the world around me changes, I'll have at least that one constant in my life.

Because, seriously. I hate him more than Amber. And Pepsi. And the color orange.

Brad: So you're staying with Jack? Well, there it is.
Sharon: You know, I thought about this for a really long time.
Brad: Maybe you should've thought about it a little longer.
Sharon: Um, I know how you feel about him. I know how a lot of people feel about him.
Brad: That he's a manipulating egomaniac? With some terrific bonus qualities like lying and cheating?
Sharon: That's my husband. And we're going to build a life together. You should see him with Noah.
Brad: Ugh, Sharon. We just talked about this. You're doing this for Noah, and I'm telling you, it's not a good reason. You're gonna be in a miserable marriage. You don't think Noah's going to pick up on that?
Sharon: He needs stability. And you know what? I'm--I'm not perfect. I'm really not. Who am I to hold Jack in judgment? So I'm giving us another shot.
Brad: The problem is it won't work.
Sharon: No, the problem is that I shouldn't be coming to you to discuss this. So if we are going to be friends, Brad, in the future, this subject is closed. Permanently.

He is just...he is just the worst. I think we need to dissect this scene line by line.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Apparently, insanity isn't the only thing that runs in the Montgomery family, as both father and daughter have demonstrated an enormous capacity for drama-queenosity.

Jack: They finally succeeded. They finally succeeded in running my daughter out of town. J.R. And Zach, Kendall, even -- all of them. I can never forgive them for that.

What's this "finally"? I don't think that word means what Jackson thinks it means. Greenlee's only been back in Pine Valley since the end of April. That's hardly, like, years worth of persecution at the hands of the evil people in town. Especially when one considers that, since she's been back in town, Greenlee has attempted to break up Ryan's marriage and had him arrested for bigamy (not like I care, but still...); tried to sue for custody of Spike; kidnapped Spike; caused Spike to go deaf; repeatedly got all up in the business of the Hart/Slater/Lavery/Novak amalgamated family even when they insisted they wanted her to stay far away, lest she maim any more of their kin; etc. She's lucky she wasn't run out of town with a pitchfork in the middle of June, or, you know, beaten to death by one of the Kane women who, despite their diminutive stature, obviously know how to throw down.

And "they finally succeeded in running my daughter out of town"? Your daughter is currently ON THE LAM after ESCAPING DURING HER ARRAIGNMENT. That's not being run out of town by an angry mob! That's running away just because her foxy yet increasingly obnoxious boyfriend thought it's better than being punished for something that she actually did*!

Ugh. Suck it, Jack. Just...suck it.

*Granted, it's not what she was currently being accused of, but still! She did it before!

The Day's Most Infuriating Dialogue

You guys, Guza has got to stop with the Laura bashing, or I will not be responsible for my actions.

Luke: Tracy, I'm serious.  This marriage has changed me.  It's kicked me out of the rut I've been in for so long.  And now, no matter where I go, or how long I'm gone, you've given me something I never had before:  a reason to come back.

"Never"?  Really?  Look, I love Luke and Tracy together, I do.  And I otherwise loved their scenes together today.  But this "you're so much better than my other wife" stuff has got to stop.  Since the people who produce and write GH apparently hate Genie Francis, I've tried to stop bitching about how they have to bring Laura back, and have really just enjoyed the hell out of watching Jane Elliot and Anthony Geary together.  But I seriously cannot sit through one more goddamned speech from Luke about how Tracy is so much better than Laura.  Among others, remember this gem from last year?

Luke: Ok. Ok. I like being Mr. Tracy. First time in my life there's a woman in it who pushes to the edge of my experience, who challenges me. I am your husband, you're my wife, and it will remain that way until you decide otherwise.

I hope Bob Guza has as good a security system at his office as the one on the closet where he keeps Awesome Writer, because otherwise one of these days I'm heading over there with a few cases of eggs and a dream.

P.S.  Between saying that line and playing a heart attack like it was straight out of a cartoon, I'm not having an "I heart Tony Geary" kind of day.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Carly: I mean, there's obviously no comparison between Sonny and Anthony Zacchara.
Jason: You're right, there's not.

Dear Writers,

Yes, there is.  In that they are basically the same.

No matter how many times you have some character say it, it will never be true that Sonny is better than all other mobsters and at his core is truly a good person.  He's a gangster who has people killed if they interfere with his "work."  He's bad. 

Hope this helps,
Becca

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Marlena: At least it feels like we're doing something now.

Yes, Doc, your helpfulness was completely overwhelming. Please make sure to take a break today and rest up from the energy you used to read letters aloud in a pub while the father of your children is missing and your daughter is running around town in peril looking for her kidnapped husband and kidnapped enemy while, incidentally, being pregnant with elephant babies.

It's not like they even did shadow puppets! I'd be more inclined to think they were doing something useful if their pow wow involved shadow puppets, because shadow puppets rule, but as it stands now this is just another reason I am happy that the Brady family is fictional and also not related to me.