Serial Drama

(Yester)Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Nikolas:  All I can say is she’s trying, and maybe you’re just too angry for it to register.  But at some point you just need to put it down, Lucky.
Lucky:  I did.  Last night with Sam.  She made me remember who I am.  Lucky Spencer.  I’m not perfect.  But I am a good guy, after all.

Yeah, nothing says "good guy" like cheating on your wife with her worst enemy in a hot tub.

I had thought that the writers were intentionally writing Lucky as both moronic and assholish, to pave the way for a Liz and Jason reunion.  But is it possible they actually think Lucky is bright and a good guy?  Why am I even remotely surprised?

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Oh, Jett.  It's a shame about the whole dumber-than-a-bag-of-hair thing.

Jett: Listen, ah, I think I might have blown my cover.
Abe: Jeremy's onto you?
Jett:  No.  Chelsea Brady.  She knows I'm an undercover ISA agent because I, um, I told her.

But you only think you've blown your cover?  Uh, good luck with all that crime-solving there, Kojak.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Sometimes I wonder if Awesome Writer writes silly lines just to have a laugh at the expense of the other, unawesome writers. Because the alternative is that these lines are meant to be serious, and that is just too tragic for me to think about right now.

LUCKY: Sam, I'm a cop. You know, I've questioned a lot of people, and I've learned when somebody isn't telling the whole truth

Oh, dear. Why do I get the feeling that the only questioning Lucky does is asking the police dogs "Which way did he go?"

SAM: [To Nikolas] Look, your brother's not stupid

I guess she's right in that "stupid" probably isn't the PC term for whatever it is that Lucky is, but still: really, Sam? That's like saying "Look, the character of Scotty Baldwin hasn't been bastardized beyond all recognition" or "Look, the actress who plays Alice can clearly act without reading cue cards".

I have to digress for a moment and mention that Laura Wright was separated at birth from Chelsea Handler. Or they are at least distant cousins of some sort. They have the exact same smirk and shriek action going on. I'm also beginning to think that if Kelly Monaco keeps tanning at this alarming rate, she will be able to pass for Magda from There's Something About Mary.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I don't like Jason, but man, it was hard not to side with him as Sam -- who stood by and let his son be kidnapped -- listed off the myriad ways in which Jason had screwed her over.  "You were wrong" blah blah blah times forty, and even though most of the things were accurate, hello, you let his infant son get stolen by a crazy person basically because you are cripplingly insecure and jealous.  But then the writers had to cap off her self-righteous rant with this:

Sam: You can't love me and support me and believe in me.  You won't put me first.  And I won't accept anything less.

Haaaaaaa!  No really, it ended there.  Cut to commercial.  There was no "anymore" or "other than all the times when I have accepted way, way less."

People/things Sam has accepted Jason putting first, or at least ahead of her (since I'm unwilling to concede she's even been second most of the time):

• Sonny
• his "job," killing people for money
• Sonny
• Carly
• Sonny
• Emily

Sorry, but when it comes to portraying Sam McCall as a strong, independent woman who won't put up with anyone's crap, you are about 14 baby-napping days late and a million mafia/blood-money dollars short.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Seriously, John? Seriously?

I know your brain is probably COMPLETELY fucked up from years of brainwashing, but when you're gathered around a table at the Brady pub with Hope ("died" during the Cruise of Deception storyline, brainwashed), Roman ("died" in the mid-80s, "died" in 1997, "died" in 2004), Marlena ("died" in the late 80s, "died" in 2004, possessed by the devil), and Kayla (whose husband was "killed" and brainwashed) and you say

Is anybody listening here? The man is dead. He's been dead for years.

it makes me want to bash my head against the wall. Or maybe yours, since you obviously have no brain cells for me to damage with my act of violence.

Incidentally, why is it that any time this show needs a SHOCKING TWIST, they turn to Tony? Seriously! If you keep using the same twist, that makes it not a twist anymore. It's...untwisty.

Also: do I need to start referring to the greatest moment of all time as ANDRE ON A HORSE? I wonder.

(Yesterday's) Dumbest Dialogue

During Cane and Katherine's awkward "I think I may have married a skank ho, grandmother. Do you find that Amber is sleazy? What do you think of her?" conversation at Indigo, Katherine said the usual "Vivacious...energetic..." and then:

KATHERINE: She's a throwback to Marilyn Monroe

O...kay. "A throwback" to the dark days of 1985, sure. "A throwback" to the groupies on tour with Motley Crue, sure. But Marilyn Monroe, Kay? WTF?

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I am actually optimistic about this whole Eli Love storyline on GH, especially if it results in Rick Springfield singing Jessie's Girl (which it must, right?).  And my affection for the character of Robin and her portrayer is not hidden around here.  All that said, this was tres stupid:

Random doctor guy who will be on Night Shift: The Eli Love concert? 
Robin:  Yeah.
Random: How did you score such great seats to a sold-out concert?
Robin (sarcastically): Well, you know, I have connections.
Random:  Okay, that's great.  You willing to share that?
Robin: Well, you know Stan, Epiphany's son?
Random: Yeah, the agitator.
Robin:  He's a wiz on the computer.  He's hooked in to all these online ticket sales.  They're a little bit more, but the seats are definitely worth it.

Online ticket sales?  The hell you say!  Next you'll be telling me that some of those, what are they called, "hackers"?, have figured out a way to buy clothes on the internets, and maybe gamble or search for porn!  Those computer wizards, by golly, they are incredible.

Are the writers 80 years old? 

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Belle:  We are old enough that we don’t need to be relying on our parents.

Say what? You don’t have a job. You’ve never had a job. Your babydaddy doesn’t have a job (although his promising lead for a traveling auto parts salesman gig is sure to bring in the big bucks). Your soon-to-be ex-husband doesn’t have a job (though he has the advantage of having gotten a ton of money the old fashioned way, being born into it). You are a Maury episode waiting to happen, except it totally won't because your "Phil, you are NOT the father" moment was last year. Ideally you shouldn't be, but you totally need to be relying on your parents. You also need to, how should I put this, become interesting.

Really, at some point will the Days writers catch on that even people under 25 should have jobs (other than driving race cars or being flight attendants)?  Also, if Belle and Shawn were to borrow money from anyone, wouldn’t it be her parents, not his, since her dad John is a multi-whateveraire?  Never mind, I totally don't care. 

This stupidity is balanced out by the fact that nearly everything else on this show remains awesome.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

This show is effed up.

Watching Erica and Jack's divorce reality show (aka "This show is effed up, exhibit A") led Lily to reminisce about her marriage to Jonathan with heretofore unknown half sister Ava.

Ava: So he didn't cheat on you, or steal from you? His big and only lie was just pretending to be like you?

Lily: Yes.

Ava: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

The "big and only lie" this grown man told was faking a mental defect in order to stay married to an autistic teenager. That's a pretty big freaking lie.

Incidentally, this grown man had previously kidnapped said autistic teenager and her two sisters. He also killed three men.

But he takes the pimento out of olives because he knows Lily doesn't like red and I'm supposed to swoon? As if!

Oh, and incidentally, Ava and the writers of this godforsaken show: it is not adorable and worthy of the twinkly music of "awww" that a grown man/murderer faking mental defects put a divider down the middle bed so he could sleep in the same bed as his autistic teenaged bride without them touching, because she doesn't like to be touched. That is not cute. That is not sweet. That just serves to remind us all that you wrote a story wherein a GROWN MAN/MURDERER FAKES MENTAL DEFECTS TO STAY MARRIED TO AN AUTISTIC TEENAGER.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue: GH on a Roll

This is what happens when stupid people try to write a "smart" character:

Spinelli: Stone Cold, uh, look, I just came by to check to see if the mighty ten laid down by the old wise dudes was properly being adhered to?

Cop: The what?  [Ed. note:  Dude, WORD.]

Spinelli: See, uh, Stone Cold here was guaranteed certain unalienable rights by our founding fathers. You know number four protects against cruel and unusual punishment, so if you or any of your brothers in arms violate that rule, the Jackal will rain down terror on you like the goth god of zune (?). 

That's the eighth amendment, not the fourth, dipshit writers.

Also, NO HUMAN BEING TALKS LIKE THIS.  God.  I think if I have to listen to even error-free Spinelli-speak for another week, I'm going to have a mini-breakdown and my mind is going to do awful things to compensate for the trauma I've been through.  I worry that if I'm even able to emerge from my fetal position in the corner, you'll have to suffer through post after post about what a good man Sonny is and how I covet Carly's wardrobe.