Serial Drama

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

General Hospital is the gift that keeps on giving to our Day's Dumbest Dialogue category.

Liz:  ...obviously, you haven't heard.
Emily: Heard what?
Liz: Jason's been arrested for the murder of Lorenzo Alcazar.
Emily: But Jason's been arrested a lot of times.  He's never been convicted.
Liz: Yeah, but Lucky says the police have a really strong case against him this time.

Well, I suspect Lucky also says two plus two equals six, but that aside . . . The really strong case of a recording of basically nothing, combined with no body, no witnesses, no physical evidence, no murder weapon, and no confession?  Yeah, it sounds airtight.

Isn't it adorable how the writers want the audience to get all angsty about whether the hitman/hero of the show will go to prison for life?  I'll be right here on the edge of my seat, debating the equally close calls of whether 1) the moon is made of cheese and 2) Paris Hilton is a virgin.

I did love how this show is so messed up that Emily's reaction was basically "Oh, my brother's been arrested for killing a guy for money?  Again?  Huh.  Do you have any Triscuits?  And can we talk about last week's So You Think You Can Dance?"

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Carly:  Where’s Jason? 
Lucky:  He’s in the interrogation room.  Whoa, where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s allowed in there except Jason’s lawyer.
Carly: Well, it’s a good thing I have a cousin that’s a cop.
Lucky: Oh, forget it, I can’t let you go in there.
Carly: What are you talking about? All you have to do is look the other way for five minutes.  Fine, I’ll pick up the phone, I’ll call Sam, I’ll bring the TV crew down here, I’ll make a loud scene out front, they’ll replay it and replay it and –
Lucky: No publicity in the world’s going to save Jason.  He is charged for [sic] murder.

Oh, show.  Why do you suck so?

1. What the hell would Sam's show about heroic...ish stuff have to do with a hitman being held by the police on a charge of murdering another mobster?  "Breaking news!  My boyfriend the hired killer has been arrested for murdering a guy for money and they won't let his harpy friend in to see him!  Community, please express your outrage!"
2. What value, exactly, does Carly add to Jason's situation?  I will give these writers a big basket of homemade cookies if they can write a single storyline -- no, a single episode! -- without involving Carly.  (This offer is not entirely genuine, as 1) I don't cook, and 2) there is absolutely no way the challenge could possibly be met.)  I do love that the first thing she did when she got in there was to try to get him to tell her all the details.  That's genius!  Good thing you're not in a place that could be bugged or has a thousand cops running around who could overhear.
3. Remember when Lucky was a smart character, all crafty and Luke 'n' Laura-esque?  Good times, those.  I don't know why Carly even bothered manipulating Lucky into letting her see Jason; she could have just distracted him with a shiny object.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Can you guess which of these honest to God lines are from The Young and the Restless and which are from One Tree Hill?

1. "God, you are such a slut! Everything about you is disgusting! Who sends out naked pictures of themselves?!"

2. "I was partially naked. At one point I had mittens on cause it was cold."

3. "...dosed us with libido enhancer"

4. "They're your breasts!"

5. "Somebody was being a full on skank diva"

6. "You've got five minutes to prove that you're all that and a bag of Kate Spade"

Answers behind the cut!

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I sometimes think soap headwriters spend the afternoon IMing each other. It's just a theory I have. And it makes more sense than some of my other theories--it's, like, practically plausible.

guzaistheman: What's up Hogan?

hogansheroes: NM, you?

guzaistheman: The usual.

hogansheroes: Violence and misogyny?

guzaistheman: LOLOL

guzaistheman: I'm working on reuniting Jason with his son.

hogansheroes: How's that going?

guzaistheman: Well, I have to ruin Sam, Liz and Lucky in order to do it, but overall it's going great. LOL.

hogansheroes: I'm trying to make Belle and Shawn a couple worth rooting for, but I have really bad writer's block

guzaistheman: You know what I do when I have writer's block?

hogansheroes: Throw darts at your Genie Francis dartboard?

guzaistheman: I do that on payday.

guzaistheman: I watch episodes of Kenan and Kel on YouTube. It's hilarious!

hogansheroes: And it helps?

guzaistheman: It does! And it gives me cool phrases to use.  Like "You go, girlfriend". LMAO.

hogansheroes: Well, it's worth a shot...

That's the only plausible explanation I have for the sudden rise of mid-90s slang on multiple soap operas.

Because there I was all set to enjoy Sami and Lucas's wedding, despite not being a huge fan of the couple, and I had to have my whole happy mellow moment RUINED by WILLOW and her STUPID FLYAWAY HAIR and her RIDICULOUS baiting of Chelsea and seemingly FORGETTING that she committed the crime she's telling everyone Chelsea did and then! THEN! To add insult to injury!

Willow: See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya.

That is not okay. Willow in and of herself is not okay, but...see ya, wouldn't want to be you? Really?  Just stop. Just...stop. 

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Oh, siiiiigh.

The Ghost of Alan: You go, girlfriend!

Is there a behind-the-scenes contest to see who can humiliate Stuart Damon the most?

"I know, let's fire him for no reason after 30 years on the show!"
"But let's kill his character off, so we're sure he can't come back."
"Can we make his death storyline all about the mafia, so we don't really have to focus on Alan or Stuart at all while we kick his ass to the curb?"
"Totally.  And then, wait, this is genius....we bring Alan back.  As a wisecracking ghost!"
"That is brilliant.  I propose we make the ghost wear a sweatsuit . . . the same one for months!"
"I say we fire him, kill off his character, make his death all about the mobsters, bring him back as a ghost, make him wear a sweatsuit, and have him spout 'funny' slang that was already uncool before Fresh Prince went off the air!"

You win, sadist #6!  Your prize is a kick in the ass with my pointiest stilettos.

Don't you dare enjoy it.

- Evil But Twinless

(Yester)Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Promising Ingénue has already brilliantly captured why Sam's "suddenly a talk show host on account of being heroic...ish during the hostage crisis" storyline is so ridiculous, so I haven't felt the need to rant about that.  But Friday it hit a new low.  A big stage light on the set of the stupid-ass talk show that nobody in real life would ever watch almost fell on Sam.  Amelia saw it about to happen (probably because it will turn out she rigged it), and she yelled at Sam to "LOOK OUT!."  Sam did.  The light did not fall on her.  Amelia said:

Amelia:  I swear, you've proved again that you are the stuff that heroes are made of.

No, she hasn't!  The natural instinct to flinch and duck is not heroic!  Someone screamed at her to look out and she did.  That's not heroism, that's basic comprehension skills.  I think we finally know why this storyline is such a cluster.  The writers don't actually know what "hero" means.  Hey, wait, this explains why mobsters are the heroes of this show!  It's suddenly so clear to me.  And now I can finally wake GH viewers from our long, national nightmare:  Here you go, writers! You're welcome.

- Evil But Twinless

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Sami:  So what, you expect me to just kiss him to death?
Celeste:  In a manner of speaking.
Sami:  What's in there?
Celeste:  Tonight lipstick, but tomorrow I'll add an ingredient.
Sami:  Poison.
Celeste:  A very effective narcotic.  Now look, before you put this lipstick on, I want you to put on as much lip balm as you possibly can.  That way, the drug will stay out of your system; it won't be absorbed into the skin.
Sami:  And he'll just die, when I kiss him?
Celeste:  Fall asleep, and stay that way.
Sami:  For how long?
Celeste:  Long enough for our purposes.
Sami:  Long enough for me to what, slit his throat?  Is that what you're thinking?  Don't even answer that.  I can't do it.  I'm sorry Celeste, but I cannot just stand there and watch someone die.  Not even E.J.
Celeste:  You won't have to watch at all, Samantha.  Neither one of us has to witness the actual moment of death to be certain that Elvis will spend all of eternity roasting.  We just want to give him a little head start.
Sami:  What do you mean?
Celeste:  By burning the cabin itself to the ground, of course, with E.J. inside.

This really doesn't need any commentary, as its abject stupidity is apparent on its face, but I don't want other people's poor writing to make our purpose here at Serial Drama obsolete, so let's dive right in, shall we?

(Friday's) Dumbest Dialogue

POP QUIZ

If you were thinking of procreating, who would be the ideal father for your child?

(a) a police officer who is committed to living a clean and healthy life and not going back to painkillers

(b) a mafia hitman who kills people in cold blood in exchange for pay

If you answered (a), you're wrong! And you also probably suffer from severe mental defects: we're sorry to hear that.

The writers' insistence that Jason is the most glorious person in the glorious history of glorious people is even more glaring than usual these days, which is saying something, since most of the dialogue over the past decade has consisted of asserting Jason's rightful place on the Top People Of All Time, Ever list, just behind Jesus, Gandhi, Queen Elizabeth and Abraham Lincoln. Word has it that Guza was pissed that Honest Abe beat out the Holy Hitman.

(Yester)Day's Dumbest Dialogue

Liz, to Jason: I feel like a hypocrite because I promised you that this child would be better off with me and Lucky because our lives are safer but now I've just realized that Lucky's job is almost as dangerous as yours.

!!!

Okay, the GH writers have just completely lost their minds now.  Jason is a MOBSTER.  In the MAFIA.  Also known as ORGANIZED CRIME.  He is a HITMAN.  He KILLS PEOPLE FOR MONEY.  His "job" is killing people and keeping other killers from killing him and the guy he works for.  I don't know what the rest of his "job" is because despite making it clear that they are mobsters these writers with their f'ed up scruples also always want us to know Sonny and Jason aren't involved in drugs, or prostitution, or pretty much anything else that by definition they would have to be involved with, but the big part of Jason's job is KILLING PEOPLE FOR MONEY.  He has been shot like seventeen times already.  He is in serious danger every single day.

On the other hand, yes, police officers are often in some danger.  But Lucky is a detective, first of all, not on patrol, and plus . . . well, I don't even need a "plus," because JASON IS A HITMAN!  For god's sake, how delusional do you have to be to think that the danger associated with being a paid mafia hitman and a detective are THE SAME?  I don't even mind if they put Liz with Jason, but this lazy writing is how they'll get there?  This show is so messed up, I can't even handle it. Oh, but the Maxie/Coop kiss was hot.

- Evil But Twinless

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue - Yes, GH Again

I couldn't decide between this and the Jax/Carly nonsense.

Nikolas, to Alexis:  I love you.  You're the only family I have, other than Spencer. 

That would be Nikolas, son of Laura, brother of Lucky and Lulu, grandson of Leslie, cousin of Sam and Kristina and Molly . . . I just give up.  Clearly the writers have.

- Evil But Twinless